First first person story

[tomlitilia]

I recently posted my first story written in first person. It would be interesting to get some feedback on it, primarily from that perspective. I.e. are there mistakes or annoying patterns related to the narrative? Things that can be improved?

It's an exhibitionist & voyeur story, with spanking as a central theme.
Here's the link: https://www.literotica.com/s/unusual-dinner-party

 

[Bramblethorn]

I thought it was very good. I don't often see a group story that takes the time to make the scenario believable, but you developed this well.

No major mistakes that I noticed. A few minor ones e.g. peek/peak, and there was an unfinished sentence somewhere in there, but nothing that distracted me. The first-person worked fine.

Only a very mild criticism - you fleshed out the female characters well, but maybe not quite so strongly for the guys?

 

[hadruprider]

The first person style is fine, natural and well written.
The downside of this style is that you can't describe how the others feel, for example the guy who watches his wife's attractive friend get spanked, strip off, masturbate and then suck him!
Writing realistic dialogue is very difficult. I think there are a few places where it doesn't sound convincing - a bit too formal for the way in which real people would speak in such a situation.
The story is good. I was going to say that it was all a bit predictable, but then there was the good twist at the end which I didn't guess!

 

[tomlitilia]

I thought it was very good. I don't often see a group story that takes the time to make the scenario believable, but you developed this well.

No major mistakes that I noticed. A few minor ones e.g. peek/peak, and there was an unfinished sentence somewhere in there, but nothing that distracted me. The first-person worked fine.

Only a very mild criticism - you fleshed out the female characters well, but maybe not quite so strongly for the guys?

Thanks for reading! And for the feedback. Mistakes are annoying, and I can only hope to to make fewer of them over time. English isn't my first language, so homophones tend to be among my "favorite" mistakes.

The lacking character description for the males... Yes, I know what you mean. I tend to write stories where the action is driven primarily by females, so the description of their characters is more important for the story. Is it worth adding personality traits to the characters that aren't important for the story line? Not saying it isn't, but it's a bit of tough call in some instances, especially when there are many characters. Sometimes a cock is just a cock.

Glad to hear the narrative worked.

 

[tomlitilia]

The first person style is fine, natural and well written.
The downside of this style is that you can't describe how the others feel, for example the guy who watches his wife's attractive friend get spanked, strip off, masturbate and then suck him!
Writing realistic dialogue is very difficult. I think there are a few places where it doesn't sound convincing - a bit too formal for the way in which real people would speak in such a situation.
The story is good. I was going to say that it was all a bit predictable, but then there was the good twist at the end which I didn't guess!

Yes, you are right in that the 1st person narrative is limiting, with the readers only getting to experience what one person is thinking/feeling/perceiving. But that limitation need not be a bad thing. Here it was necessary in order to hide the twist (and I'm glad to hear it worked!), which is what made me try the 1st person.

The other character's emotions are depicted as they are perceived by the narrator. Thing like "...from the crimson patches on her face, I could tell she wasn't unmoved," or "she didn't let it go, holding it against her chest as if holding on to her dignity." I was worried that overuse of such description might get annoying, but nice if it didn't.

 

[Connie39f]

very entertaining read

 

[tomlitilia]

very entertaining read

Thanks, glad you liked it.

 

[Ezrollin]

I recently posted my first story written in first person. It would be interesting to get some feedback on it, primarily from that perspective. I.e. are there mistakes or annoying patterns related to the narrative? Things that can be improved?

It's an exhibitionist & voyeur story, with spanking as a central theme.
Here's the link: https://www.literotica.com/s/unusual-dinner-party

Great story and style...check my comments.

 

[JenniBean]

I really enjoyed that story. Five Stars!

 

[tomlitilia]

I really enjoyed that story. Five Stars!

Great story and style...check my comments.

Thanks both of you!