My sub has changed, help?

[bicurnow]

Three years ago or so, my sub was comoletely in my corner. We clicked in all things, sex and otherwise. Now I am with her full time, and have been for over two years, and things are changed. Little interest in sex, no bdsm except if you count including a vibrator for her.
She claims having sex hurts!
Add to that she is trying to run the household and relationship. I think I was duped by a sub topping from the bottom.
Thoughts?
Frankly I have had enough.

 

[Blue]

_____

 

[SpunThings]

Three years ago or so, my sub was comoletely in my corner. We clicked in all things, sex and otherwise. Now I am with her full time, and have been for over two years, and things are changed. Little interest in sex, no bdsm except if you count including a vibrator for her.
She claims having sex hurts!
Add to that she is trying to run the household and relationship. I think I was duped by a sub topping from the bottom.
Thoughts?
Frankly I have had enough.

If someone says something hurts, believe them.

You really need to talk to her.

 

[cookiecat]

You say something's changed. You were duped.

Could it be that you're suddenly bi-curious and that wasn't part of her plan??

Also agree with SpunThings about the sex hurting. You say she "claims" it hurts. Do you doubt it??

There's something about the way you worded your post that makes me think you should do both of you a favor and just be done with it.

 

[EvenStarr1029]

It's Possible She's Not Tricking You...

Sometimes, and I don't know your situation but, in the beginning, the wild stuff can be fun. Then it can get too wild and it turns her off all together.

I agree with the above, if she says it hurts, believe her. Sometimes in the beginning, and especially if she isn't accustomed to it and is a naturally submissive woman, they'll say it's okay waiting for things to get or feel better, assuming it will. If you have a relationship based on more than sex, I think you should work on it. If that's all your relationship is based on, then you have a different set of issues to take into consideration. Two years says more than a casual hookup to me, but I don't know your personal situation.

Best of luck

 

[Farawyn]

You say something's changed. You were duped.

Could it be that you're suddenly bi-curious and that wasn't part of her plan??

Also agree with SpunThings about the sex hurting. You say she "claims" it hurts. Do you doubt it??

There's something about the way you worded your post that makes me think you should do both of you a favor and just be done with it.

This. So much ick.
Maybe she's had enough.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

Afraid I'm inclined to echo cookiecat and Farawyn's sentiments. Since you've seemingly " had enough ", I think you decided on your course of action before posting this.

To add my own two cents. Frankly, I don't give a shit what you're doing, sex should never " hurt ".

 

[bicurnow]

Replies

Thanks for the heart felt advice. Unfortunately years of experience can not be contained in a post.
We have been together in various forms for much longer than two years. I certainly believe her when she says it hurts, so thanks to all,of you who assume that I don't care about her. The fact is she has been checked out by an me and there is nothing wrong.
Oh and btw, she told me she had the same issue its her ex before he became an ex. Maybe, just maybe, there is more here than surface issues.
Oh and I am bicurious on here for fun.
So many conversations have been had it isn't funny. And everything comes down to my doing something wrong that makes her behave the way she does.

 

[bicurnow]

I'm afraid I may sound like a broken record here, but I am going to concur with what all of the above posters have said. If you care about her at all 1) you need to believe her and 2) be concerned that perhaps something medical is going on. Especially if sex did not hurt in the past and does now. She should be evaluated by a medical professional to see if there is something wrong and if she can be helped.

The tone of exasperation in your post is a bit off-putting and I suspect may be why you are not getting more sympathy for your situation.

cb

The tone is exasperating because that's how I feel. I am tired physically and emotionally. How would you feel if your partner spot all of their time telling you that your efforts aren't enough? Exasperated?

 

[Farawyn]

The tone is exasperating because that's how I feel. I am tired physically and emotionally. How would you feel if your partner spot all of their time telling you that your efforts aren't enough? Exasperated?

Yes. I would. Especially if I knew I was trying. It's a crappy feeling.

If she says she's in pain, she needs to get checked out. Then take it from there.
Yes?

 

[CutieMouse]

The tone is exasperating because that's how I feel. I am tired physically and emotionally. How would you feel if your partner spot all of their time telling you that your efforts aren't enough? Exasperated?

I'm guessing there are a couple of issues here...

Pain - if she's experiencing pain during sex, she needs to see her GYN and rule out any medical issues.

Efforts not good enough - any chance she's comparing you to the fantasy BDSM story she's got running through her head? Comparing you to erotica she reads, etc?

A lot of people get into BDSM, then discover this thing called real life. They think 24/7 is going to be all naked and kneeling and sex, and get disappointed when they discover everyone still has bad days, work stress, bills to pay, kids to raise, and house/car repairs to deal with.

Curious question - you say she's changed - any chance she might say the same about you?

 

[SpunThings]

When I'm not aroused sex can hurt in a bad way. Did you know the vagina elongates with arousal much like the inverse of a penis?

Sometimes when people don't feel connected to their partner, or there are built up resentments, it can be hard to be attracted to them. I think this is especially true for women.

So the answer is still to talk to her. Perhaps consider a couples counselor who can help you two with effective communication techniques that foster openness and compassion towards each other.

 

[SpunThings]

Oh, and see if you can find kink friendly practitioners who you can be explicit about your dynamic with, and they'll be more likely to understand.

 

[SaddleRider]

Nothing curious about the answer...

I'm guessing there are a couple of issues here...

Pain - if she's experiencing pain during sex, she needs to see her GYN and rule out any medical issues.

Efforts not good enough - any chance she's comparing you to the fantasy BDSM story she's got running through her head? Comparing you to erotica she reads, etc?

A lot of people get into BDSM, then discover this thing called real life. They think 24/7 is going to be all naked and kneeling and sex, and get disappointed when they discover everyone still has bad days, work stress, bills to pay, kids to raise, and house/car repairs to deal with.

Curious question - you say she's changed - any chance she might say the same about you?

Yes...yes he has.

 

[Farawyn]

Yes...yes he has.

Oooooooooh!
Interesting.

 

[Cumference]

Oooooooooh!
Interesting.

I would even say:"oh my!"

 

[cookiecat]

The tone is exasperating because that's how I feel. I am tired physically and emotionally. How would you feel if your partner spot all of their time telling you that your efforts aren't enough? Exasperated?

Yes...yes he has.

I'm curious about the bicurnow name. Is that a change in the relationship?

Did things change recently or a slow progression over the last two years?

Maybe her topping from the bottom is trying to get you to hear her.

For me, once I'm in that exasperated place, it's hard to get talked off the ledge.

Good luck.

 

[bicurnow]

Yes. I would. Especially if I knew I was trying. It's a crappy feeling.

If she says she's in pain, she needs to get checked out. Then take it from there.
Yes?

Of course, that was done by an md more than a year ago. There are no physical problems

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Farawyn]

did the doctor borrow her pain receptors to check? I'm sorry to be glib, but doctors have told me in the past 'how' I should or should not be experiencing symptoms and they are not always accurate in how my body is feeling. I listen to my body about pain, because it feels it. I listen to the doctor about what might be causing it, becUse they have studied that. Just because a doctor says 'nothing wrong' does not mean there is no pain.

Yes, yes, yes.
Pain is subjective.

 

[cookiecat]

I don't think we are giving you the right answers?

 

[desertslave]

More information on "it hurts" could be helpful for her to describe. It could be vaginal dryness, which isn't going to show up on a medical exam like fibroids or a tilted uterus would. Using a generous amount of lube can help with that. And, as you've implied, it could be avoidance, which becomes something you both need to talk about.

Do you both work outside the home? Is she expected to do all of the housework? Is raising kids involved? How much other social activity do you each have? All of these things could contribute to stress for her, which she might or might not be processing. Same goes for you. Sometimes "outside forces" stress gets misdirected to our partners.

What does she say you are doing wrong? And what have you done (or not) in response?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Yes...yes he has.

Well, that's an interesting development.

 

[bicurnow]

I don't think we are giving you the right answers?

I am thinking you may be correct. My impression is that there is an impression out there that you are all dealing with a neophyte in sexual and personal matters. If someone tells you it is raining, do you have to go outside and get soaked before you believe it?

The fact is that there is no shortage of lubrication, there is no shortage in use of toys including a vibrator that sorry to say is larger than me.

Yes both of us have lots of stress from various sources that does get misdirected on both of our cases. We get that.

Thanks to all of you for your efforts anyway.

 

[cookiecat]

I am thinking you may be correct. My impression is that there is an impression out there that you are all dealing with a neophyte in sexual and personal matters. If someone tells you it is raining, do you have to go outside and get soaked before you believe it?

The fact is that there is no shortage of lubrication, there is no shortage in use of toys including a vibrator that sorry to say is larger than me.

Yes both of us have lots of stress from various sources that does get misdirected on both of our cases. We get that.

Thanks to all of you for your efforts anyway.

Well, it's kinda hard to glean a lot from a pretty short post.

Other questions have been asked besides the pain factor....

Has the fact your bi curious now affected anything or is that a Lit exploration thing?

You say it's been two years full-time. Did the topping from the bottom start right away or was it gradual?

Why do YOU think she feels the need to control the relationship?

We can't grasp on to anything other than what you tell us. You're exasperated. You're tired. You feel duped. You've had enough. That's what I heard.

I don't think any of us are going to tell you to kick her to the curb or agree that your'e right - she's a complete monster for duping you without more info. And that wasn't forthcoming.

I wish you the best - feeling like you do sucks.