emotions

[jocklover]

Hi .first of all not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes.i am currently started to b my wife's dom which is something she approached me I have had a few play sessions which she said was great biggest thing is ,and this isn't easy as I am normally a strong minded male and classed as a big strong lad due to my love for the gym Hehe but .i have found myself gettin very upset to the point of tears after is have done something with my wife a want to do it at the time but it may even b hours after I feel very emotional is this normal .oh I have been married to my wife for 16 yrs and have been together for nearly 18 we married young as I am only 34 ar present thank you for any help or advice I have spoke to my wife about this just looking for any extras

 

[Raingirl85]

It can be hard to reconcile sex play that involves components which you have (rightly) been raised to revile. For example, actual rape and actual domestic violence are despicable acts. Consensual nonconsent play, impact play, and other BDSM play is totally different-- but it can be hard for your brain to fully accept and reconcile that it is okay to explore in a safe, supportive environment in which both parties are fully consenting.

I'm not a Dom, but it sounds very reasonable for you to have these emotions, and I think it's healthy to slowly work through them. What kind of aftercare do you and your wife do after a scene? I think that's going to be very important for you. If your wife is not as interested in the aftercare side of things, let her know that it is something YOU need in order to be safe and respected in your relationship. After a rough scene do plenty of cuddling, sensual kissing, massage, talk about the scene- I imagine it'd be helpful to hear your wife say "I loved it when you..." as a way to reaffirm that what you are doing is not hurting her. Watch a movie cuddled up on the couch with snacks-- or just whatever would feel comfortable, loving, and intimate to you both.

And keep in mind that it's okay for you to have limits too. Just because you are the Dom doesn't mean you don't have feelings and limits. If something feels completely wrong to you, even if she loves it, it's okay to say "I'm sorry, but right now this particular thing is a hard limit for me."

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LallyH]

Some years ago, there was a thread on here discussing sub-drop - the severe emotional dip that subs can feel after a scene and what responsible Doms and tops should do to deal with it during aftercare, as Raingirl has already described.

During the thread, one of our elder statesmen who is sadly no longer with us said that he had occasionally suffered from top-drop with symptoms that the subs in the thread were describing - very emotional and shaky. He believed it was the result of feeling excessive stress during certain scenes where the responsibility for alleviating risk to his sub was higher due to the particular circumstances eg if he felt he didn't know her or her limits well and was therefore on 'high alert'.

I wonder if this is what may be happening with you? Perhaps you are so conscious (and rightly so) about ensuring that your wife is happy and safe with what you are doing, that when it is over and you relax, it shows itself in the way you describe and that both of you need aftercare?

 

[richard_daily]

During the thread, one of our elder statesmen who is sadly no longer with us said that he had occasionally suffered from top-drop with symptoms that the subs in the thread were describing - very emotional and shaky. He believed it was the result of feeling excessive stress during certain scenes where the responsibility for alleviating risk to his sub was higher due to the particular circumstances eg if he felt he didn't know her or her limits well and was therefore on 'high alert'.

I don't believe that it's about stress... it's raw emotion. When you're in a primal state and inflicting pain, it's can also be a cathartic and emotional outpouring.

I've experienced feelings like this on occasion, and I definitely wouldn't categorize it as "stressful".

You're connecting dots, and sometimes that can be hard, but the experience itself isn't one of stress or anxiety for me based on my experiences.

 

[jocklover]

Well thanks for all of your Info I have talked to my wife and and I have told her before she does practice after very well in my opinion I have complete trust in her and what she is askin and wanting me to do I asked her to switch last nite so I could possibly understand what this is she truly seeks and I understand more now of the state of mind it puts her in but for me it's a no go I didn't get hard and had to stop we swapped over and I was fine it has helped a great deal along with all your comments and I am looking forward to our next play date this week

 

[jocklover]

A do believe you are right it's a very primal thing for me as I said I am a muscular man by my own choosing, and my wife calls me her big bear and has done before we done this but until last nite a have never truly let that side out my wife has expressed very deeply about the fact that she needs and wants me to b happy at all times and she trusts me fully we have a very strong understanding of our relationship . So that side of it is good

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

There's a popular myth that's been going around since god was a boy that, in order to be masculine, men need to internalize emotions to the point of seeming to not have any outside of anger and lust. This is complete nonsense and has resulted in many guys that have emotional problems or just don't know how to deal with them.

Nothing you're feeling is wrong or needs to stop. It's natural to go through something like this when you take a longstanding relationship to a place you are unfamiliar with. You just need to take it slow and trust your wife, she is there alongside you and will help you. The only thing needed now is to forget whatever preconceived/preprogrammed feelings or insecurities you have about your masculinity, and be attentive and natural.

If you can manage that, you'll be fine.

 

[SquishyBits]

Would someone be willing to post a link to the thread about sub-drop or aftercare? I have not heard of these terms but I think they might help me. Thank you much and I am glad the op has found some peace of mind. This community can be so supportive and helpful.

Love you Litsters!

 

[SquishyBits]

Look in the BDSM library sticky at the top of the thread under "aftercare"
There is a ton of stuff there.
If you need more come back and let us know.

Thank you cascadiabound. There is so much to read wish I had found this at the start of the weekend! *deep breath* Ok here I go, diving in!