Stacy Lancaster: Critique and Encourage

[Boondocker42]

I've posted some stories in the last week or so that seem fairly well received votes wise but I'd like more feedback if anyone's interested.

I actually wrote these stories several years ago. They've been posted before on other sites but there seems to be more activity here.

So Stacy is an ordinary young woman with an ordinary husband. Except sometimes she's a horny little fuck bunny and needs it bad ;-)

So far I've posted a single-chapter story and 2 of 3 chapters from another. In them, Stacy and her husband are on their own but I have other stories where they branch out that I'll be posting in due time.

Any opinions on how these feel and how well they read would be much appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/stacy-lancaster-saturday-night-scene

https://www.literotica.com/s/stacy-lancaster-san-diego-pt-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/stacy-lancaster-san-diego-pt-02

 

[Boondocker42]

Bump

The third and final chapter of the San diego story has been posted and approved.

https://www.literotica.com/s/stacy-lancaster-san-diego-pt-03


Thanks,
Boondocker

 

[DreamCloud]

You need to write more confidently and avoid redundancy for no purpose. Problems I also suffer with.

Example:

He loved his new TV. They'd had it for months now and he still thought it was just awesome.

The forty-inch flat-panel fit in perfectly in their cozy little house. He was almost infatuated with it. So infatuated in fact that he had begun watching it even when there was nothing on.

They'd should be They.

The words in red are useless and will only tire the reader.

You used: loved, awesome, and infatuated (twice). All of these weakened instead of strengthened the idea. The first sentence followed by the example is all that is needed.

There is redundancy in the word "new" and the following sentence about how long they owned it. Use one or the other unless it's a plot point (warranty running out, etc.)

Nitpick: "nothing on" can refer to the TV being off.

Example rewrite:
Jared loved his new TV. The forty-inch flat-panel fit perfectly in their cozy little home, hung on the wall and perfectly aligned with the couch. The picture and sound were so pleasing, he would watch lousy programs for the sensual experience alone.


If you want more examples, look at my early stories. They are embarrassingly full of them.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You need to write more confidently and avoid redundancy for no purpose. Problems I also suffer with.

Example:


They'd should be They.

I disagree on this one; "they'd had it" (i.e. "they had had it") is grammatical and makes sense in context.

But I agree with the rest of DreamCloud's comments about superfluous words here; it's something that I struggle with in my own work.

 

[DreamCloud]

I disagree on this one; "they'd had it" (i.e. "they had had it") is grammatical and makes sense in context.

But I agree with the rest of DreamCloud's comments about superfluous words here; it's something that I struggle with in my own work.

I learn something new everyday.

Thanks.