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Dear Clowns

Dear Clowns (and ladies),

Thanks to your informative discussion which prompted some further research I am now rather boned up ... *crosses out* ... far more knowledgeable upon this subject and thoroughly traumatised.
One phrase - 'Vac-o-vag'. That is all.

Signed,

Disturbed
 
37_ttej said:
Dear Clowns (and ladies),

Thanks to your informative discussion which prompted some further research I am now rather boned up ... *crosses out* ... far more knowledgeable upon this subject and thoroughly traumatised.
One phrase - 'Vac-o-vag'. That is all.

Signed,

Disturbed
Click to expand...
I have even less of a desire to stick it in her blood pool after seeing that invention.
 
Dear Clowns,

Got any new sex moves I can try out? I'm herniating discs doing The Butter Churner day in and day out.


Fondly,
Ready to Rupture
 
Suz_anne said:
Dear Clowns,

Got any new sex moves I can try out? I'm herniating discs doing The Butter Churner day in and day out.


Fondly,
Ready to Rupture
Click to expand...

Dear Churner,


Have you ever tried missionary? That's a good one. It's when you lay on your back and your partner gets on top of you. He then enters you while wearing khakis and a white, shirt sleeve button down. It's pretty hot, especially when he starts witnessing to you.

Signed,

I love missionary was originally said by Joseph Smith
 
Dear Clowns,

When I'm doing my laundry at the laundromat, and washing all my bras, is it ok to be bra-less?

Signed,
Out of options
 
Trekka said:
Dear Clowns,

When I'm doing my laundry at the laundromat, and washing all my bras, is it ok to be bra-less?

Signed,
Out of options
Click to expand...

Dear Coat Hangars,

It's usually how I go when I have already turned my underwear inside out and have run out of options. I did make a mistake of wearing umbro soccer shorts as underwear once. My ass teeth couldn't gobble them up fast enough.

Signed,

You gotta do you
 
Dear Clowns,

If someone says that they have a "broken dick", is that a euphemism for something? Or is that person just trying to let you down easy?


Sincerely,
Boner Breaker
 
Suz_anne said:
Dear Clowns,

If someone says that they have a "broken dick", is that a euphemism for something? Or is that person just trying to let you down easy?


Sincerely,
Boner Breaker
Click to expand...

You mean like broke it in half? Or it just doesn't work anymore??? :eek::eek:

Dear Clowns,

Please help this woman....quickly!!

Sincerely,

Offering Some Gorilla Glue If It Helps
 
Suz_anne said:
Dear Clowns,

If someone says that they have a "broken dick", is that a euphemism for something? Or is that person just trying to let you down easy?


Sincerely,
Boner Breaker
Click to expand...

Dear Boner Breaker,

If this gentleman can stick his dick out the drivers side window and make a signal for a right hand turn, then it is broken. If he stick it out the window and it acts as a curb protector then it's just fine. If he sticks it out the wondow and it just looks like Gary Coleman with a nose job, get back to looking on Craigslist.

Signed,

Ain't no holler back guy
 
Dear Clowns,

Who inspires you in the bedroom? I used to look up to John Holmes and Ron Jeremy, but I think I should try to emulate you....any pointers?

Signed,
Porn star in training
 
DarkSimian said:
Dear Clowns,

Who inspires you in the bedroom? I used to look up to John Holmes and Ron Jeremy, but I think I should try to emulate you....any pointers?

Signed,
Porn star in training
Click to expand...

Dear Trainee,

The last person you want to be training you in the art of sex is certainly not me. I get inspired by the guys answers from the show "The Dating Game" hosted by that sexual deviant Chuck Woolery.

When those ladies ask questions like, "If you were an ice cream cone...." I just take the answers those gentlemen give and implement it into my sexy life. If that doesn't work, then I buy a lot of batteries and let her take care of herself, while I pinch a nipple and deep tongue her ear. Women love that shit.

Signed,

I'll be back in two and two
 
IhateClowns said:
When those ladies ask questions like, "If you were an ice cream cone...."
Click to expand...

Dear Clowns,

I was never good at those questions. I think it's a trap. The answer that springs to mind is probably not the one they want and the one they're after is something totally unrelated to the question.
So, for the benefit of all us other poor guys, can you help us out please?
Am I even close with any of these answers?

a) I'd like you to lick the drips from my soggy bottom.
b) I'd love to hear you crunch my nuts.
c) I'd ooze all over your fingers.
d) I'd be a Magnum mini - much smaller than the packet suggests.

*sigh*

Signed,

Vanilla
 
I fear our kinky sex games on Lit may go too far and spill over into our real life. What is a Litster's to do?

Signed
Smacks Her On The Ass
 
Dear Clowns,

Earlier this evening, there was an unfortunate "I dare you to let me stuff these firecrackers in your butthole and light 'em up" incident at my house. Let's just say that my promises that it wouldn't lead to a scorched earth situation were a big 'ol lie.

Now my husband screams like a baby when I walk into the room with a spray bottle of Bactine. How can I get him to stop crying about his blistered taint?

Sincerely,
Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em
 
37_ttej said:
Dear Clowns,

I was never good at those questions. I think it's a trap. The answer that springs to mind is probably not the one they want and the one they're after is something totally unrelated to the question.
So, for the benefit of all us other poor guys, can you help us out please?
Am I even close with any of these answers?

a) I'd like you to lick the drips from my soggy bottom.
b) I'd love to hear you crunch my nuts.
c) I'd ooze all over your fingers.
d) I'd be a Magnum mini - much smaller than the packet suggests.

*sigh*

Signed,

Vanilla
Click to expand...

Dear Ben and Jerry's Illigitimate Son,

That's pretty much it. If you can incorporate sexual innuendo into your answers then you're guaranteed to get laid. Just buy her some cotton candy and a dildo.
 
Suz_anne said:
Dear Clowns,

Earlier this evening, there was an unfortunate "I dare you to let me stuff these firecrackers in your butthole and light 'em up" incident at my house. Let's just say that my promises that it wouldn't lead to a scorched earth situation were a big 'ol lie.

Now my husband screams like a baby when I walk into the room with a spray bottle of Bactine. How can I get him to stop crying about his blistered taint?

Sincerely,
Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em
Click to expand...

Dear Smoke Em,


He has to sleep on his stomach now. That's never good. There is no coming back from scorched taint. Scorched taint is as bad as it gets. There's nothing to scoff at when scorched taint is involved. That's why I don't shave mine. I grow as much of a barrier down there as possible. My taint looks like a corsage.
 
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