A dom or a cry baby.....

[MaryanneB]

Have I been meeting odd personalities or are they fakes? Is a dom supposed to get whiny when I admit that the reason I didn't answer a message immediately was that I was taking a shower?
Yes, I understand that one or two posers may be possible but a dozen? I think my exploration of the dom/sub thing is almost comical!

 

[cryingalien]

Have I been meeting odd personalities or are they fakes? Is a dom supposed to get whiny when I admit that the reason I didn't answer a message immediately was that I was taking a shower?
Yes, I understand that one or two posers may be possible but a dozen? I think my exploration of the dom/sub thing is almost comical!

That sounds like you have not found the correct person and/or there a few posers out there.

 

[Sweetemmygirl]

Have I been meeting odd personalities or are they fakes? Is a dom supposed to get whiny when I admit that the reason I didn't answer a message immediately was that I was taking a shower?
Yes, I understand that one or two posers may be possible but a dozen? I think my exploration of the dom/sub thing is almost comical!

I agree. My search has not come to fruition either. I'm almost ready to give up.

 

[MeekMe]

Have I been meeting odd personalities or are they fakes?

Are you an odd personality or are you a fake? What makes a "real" PYL/pyl?

Is a dom supposed to get whiny when I admit that the reason I didn't answer a message immediately was that I was taking a shower?

Are you letting them know you're walking away? Or won't be able to answer immediately? D-types are people. It's rude of you to leave in the middle of a conversation without at least a "brb" or "away" or something. Would you like it if you were conversing with someone and they just stopped responding?

Yes, I understand that one or two posers may be possible but a dozen? I think my exploration of the dom/sub thing is almost comical!

If it's happening that much I think you need to look at what's common about these interactions. Hint: It's you.

 

[MaryanneB]

Are you an odd personality or are you a fake? What makes a "real" PYL/pyl?



Are you letting them know you're walking away? Or won't be able to answer immediately? D-types are people. It's rude of you to leave in the middle of a conversation without at least a "brb" or "away" or something. Would you like it if you were conversing with someone and they just stopped responding?



If it's happening that much I think you need to look at what's common about these interactions. Hint: It's you.

Oh please. I always state if I have to leave a conversation, I even give the reason. I also seem to be intelligent enough to know that SHIT HAPPENS and no one has the ability to wait by the phone. Maybe this isn't the type of thing I even want to explore if I have to give up everything I am as a person.
I understood the dom/sub relationship should benefit both sides and fill needs on several levels.

 

[lilly5742]

There are many whiners and posers out there. It can be a challenge to find a mature true dom. When people start getting whiny or desperately flooding my inbox it is an immediate red flag to me. Best wishes to you!

 

[Blue]

I'm not a fan of this No True Dom fallacy, nobody is "supposed" to do anything, but it sounds from that small description like you're meeting the obsessive and attention seeking types who want to be constantly paid attention to and told they're the greatest person to have ever graced this cosmic backwater with their divine presence. You know, the stereotypical pop-culture dom who wants to constantly be the centre of attention and never inconvenienced in the slightest.

I have trouble differentiating these insipid people with PYL material and just petty narcissists.
The secretary had the same problem.

I suggest perusing different websites at the same time and just keep trying.

 

[MeekMe]

Oh please. I always state if I have to leave a conversation, I even give the reason.

"Is a dom supposed to get whiny when I admit that the reason I didn't answer a message immediately was that I was taking a shower?"
Ok, but why would you have to admit it was because of a shower after the fact? If you're telling them before hand and they still get upset, block and move on.

I also seem to be intelligent enough to know that SHIT HAPPENS and no one has the ability to wait by the phone. Maybe this isn't the type of thing I even want to explore if I have to give up everything I am as a person.

Sure, shit happens and you can't always be there. But we're talking about a shower. I dunno about you, but I've never had a surprise shower before. I usually make the decision to take one and I do it. That typically means I have time to say I'll be away for some time.

I understood the dom/sub relationship should benefit both sides and fill needs on several levels.

Yup, it's an exchange of power. A relationship that still needs communication. :shrugs: You do you. If they make demands that do not suit you it means you're incompatible, not that one or both of you are fake.

 

[midwestyankee]

I've looked at a number of your posts and even a few of the threads that you've started. You appear to be a perfectly reasonable person so it's hard to believe that you're causing these potential partners to misbehave in ways that they wouldn't all on their own.

It's possible that you're attracting mostly posers who are much younger than you for some reason that's not obvious. It could be that they're simply not prepared to relate as a peer with someone whose relationship skills were developed over the course of a successful long-term marriage.

Truth is, this site and others that cater to the BDSM crowd tend to attract a great number of horny net geeks who Just don't have a clue how to relate to a woman who is comfortable enough with her own sexuality to actually discuss it in a public forum. You may have to sift out a whole lot of chaff in your search.

 

[CutieMouse]

If you're meeting guys online, and especially if it's staying online/focusing in any way on kink/sex... Odds are good you'll end up dealing with a HNG (Horny Net Geek), who sees you as a free alternative to the $2.98/minute cam-girls and/or phone sex operators. That entitled "I'm paying for this" attitude will cross over, even though you are doing them a favor [by dealing with them at all].

If you don't want to deal with indignant, entitled men, lock down some boundaries that will increase the odds of dealing with fewer HNGs.

Work towards real-life meetings.
Don't engage in explicit conversations online.
Make 90% of your interactions about life, not kink.
Etc.

If those "rules" = HNGs telling you that you aren't submissive? Awesome. Those guys just took themselves out of your kinky-gene pool. Next!

If you're simply wanting a bit of cyber, and the above doesn't apply... HBGs are the price of admission, for playing online.

 

[MaryanneB]

I've looked at a number of your posts and even a few of the threads that you've started. You appear to be a perfectly reasonable person so it's hard to believe that you're causing these potential partners to misbehave in ways that they wouldn't all on their own.

It's possible that you're attracting mostly posers who are much younger than you for some reason that's not obvious. It could be that they're simply not prepared to relate as a peer with someone whose relationship skills were developed over the course of a successful long-term marriage.

Truth is, this site and others that cater to the BDSM crowd tend to attract a great number of horny net geeks who Just don't have a clue how to relate to a woman who is comfortable enough with her own sexuality to actually discuss it in a public forum. You may have to sift out a whole lot of chaff in your search.

I've heard some men say that 50 Shades brought out women who wanted to explore the life style but
want it to be the movie. I agree and will take it a step further. It is also bringing out males who want to play the role of the movie heart throb. It's very disconcerting.
The other thing I'm finding is the fact that many of these men have issues with their own sexuality and think that being dominant will cover up their inadequacies.
Thank you for your remark concerning my ability to be reasonable. I think of myself as exactly that. What I would really appreciate is a clear idea of what the roles are. If I'm being unreasonable or if I have an incorrect idea of roles, then I'll pack up my tent and move on.

 

[MaryanneB]

If you're meeting guys online, and especially if it's staying online/focusing in any way on kink/sex... Odds are good you'll end up dealing with a HNG (Horny Net Geek), who sees you as a free alternative to the $2.98/minute cam-girls and/or phone sex operators. That entitled "I'm paying for this" attitude will cross over, even though you are doing them a favor [by dealing with them at all].

If you don't want to deal with indignant, entitled men, lock down some boundaries that will increase the odds of dealing with fewer HNGs.

Work towards real-life meetings.
Don't engage in explicit conversations online.
Make 90% of your interactions about life, not kink.
Etc.

If those "rules" = HNGs telling you that you aren't submissive? Awesome. Those guys just took themselves out of your kinky-gene pool. Next!

If you're simply wanting a bit of cyber, and the above doesn't apply... HBGs are the price of admission, for playing online.

Thank you. Everything you're saying makes sense and I appreciate it.

 

[SpunThings]

I've heard some men say that 50 Shades brought out women who wanted to explore the life style but
want it to be the movie. I agree and will take it a step further. It is also bringing out males who want to play the role of the movie heart throb. It's very disconcerting.
The other thing I'm finding is the fact that many of these men have issues with their own sexuality and think that being dominant will cover up their inadequacies.
Thank you for your remark concerning my ability to be reasonable. I think of myself as exactly that. What I would really appreciate is a clear idea of what the roles are. If I'm being unreasonable or if I have an incorrect idea of roles, then I'll pack up my tent and move on.

There is no clear idea of the roles as decided by anyone but you and your partner. There is no BDSM authority. So if you find your idea of how this plays out clashes so much with what your partner expects, as MeekMe said you're incompatible. Move on to someone else. We all do this a little differently. Just like not everyone who someday wants a wife matches well with everyone who someday wants a husband.

If all the people you're encountering are like that, you need to look in different places, or different ways.

 

[Blue]

- Thank you for your remark concerning my ability to be reasonable. I think of myself as exactly that. What I would really appreciate is a clear idea of what the roles are. If I'm being unreasonable or if I have an incorrect idea of roles, then I'll pack up my tent and move on.

There's no such thing as a predefined 'role' in BDSM. You're not required to act nor engage in any practices that personally disagrees with you or you're not comfortable with just to appease a partner. Compromise or follow through if you wish, but nothing is mandatory nor an expectation. And if somebody you meet is adamant that you should be behaving in a certain manner which you disagree with because that's what you're "supposed to do", block, move on.

Although, I suppose the best 'role' anybody could take is just to be SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and mutually respectful.
Compatibility, yay.
(Just wait for cutiemouse to upstage this in a spectacular manner.)

 

[midwestyankee]

I've heard some men say that 50 Shades brought out women who wanted to explore the life style but
want it to be the movie. I agree and will take it a step further. It is also bringing out males who want to play the role of the movie heart throb. It's very disconcerting.
The other thing I'm finding is the fact that many of these men have issues with their own sexuality and think that being dominant will cover up their inadequacies.
Thank you for your remark concerning my ability to be reasonable. I think of myself as exactly that. What I would really appreciate is a clear idea of what the roles are. If I'm being unreasonable or if I have an incorrect idea of roles, then I'll pack up my tent and move on.

The roles and practices vary from one relationship to the next so it's impossible to make a useful generalization. What helps one couple achieve a harmonious power exchange might drive another couple out of their minds. My usual advice is to find a compatible partner first and then work out the rules and practices that help the two of you enjoy your sexy kinky fun times. You could start by reflecting, to the extent that you can from your own life experience, on what kinds of things you believe will trip your submissive trigger. Do you like (or think you might like) providing service? Is your interest mostly sexual or do you think you might enjoy ceding some control of your daily life as well? The more you understand about your own needs and desires, the easier it will be to weed out the guys who are poor fits and keep looking for a good fit without getting down on yourself.

 

[Endless_Night]

I had a rather similar experience, though I seemed to attract the type that wanted immediate sexual submission.

PYL/pyl can cover a lot of ground, but it’s too often used an excuse to present yourself as something you’re not. Or hide something you are, like a predator on the hunt for noobs.

A whiny Dom? Possible, I suppose. Unattractive, certainly. Not a big fan of the whine.

HNGs are certainly on the menu. As are men looking to explore a Dom fantasy. Or perhaps your are just attracting a whiny personality type at the moment.

Honestly, it just takes time to weed through possible matches. It is way more miss than hit.

(Just wait for cutiemouse to upstage this in a spectacular manner.)

So often the case.

 

[MaryanneB]

Thank you all. I'm beginning to think that what I want is a man who is secure in his sexuality and wants a woman who wants to be satisfied. Maybe I'm not looking for a dom as much as I want a man who is happy with who he is and what he has to offer.
That and a guy with a great big dick.....

 

[barefootgirl69]

an online Dom?

I think what you are trying to say is that he seems clingy and needy, instead of more upfront and demanding, assuming a leadership role, if you will. "Why don't you pay more attention to me?" Not so much the words, as the attitude. "I messaged, and you didn't message back in 2 seconds." Once again, not the words so much as the way they are presented; no confidence, seems to need more of your attention and all of your time, never considering that you have RL things to do?

Yes, I've met a few of them here. One especially comes to mind. I liken it to their never having been a Dom IRL, and this is their first experience with it. They've 'read the books', searched online, and they know 'how it's done'.

When you tell him that you think it 'just isn't working and you aren't compatible', he gets offended and starts begging, acting more like a brat than you are (okay, I'm talking about myself, here).

But, there are other men here who are completely confident and comfortable within themselves that don't have issues like that. Every Dom needs assurance that he is meeting your needs, but the attitude will be completely different. It was a long hard struggle, but I found someone I adore, and we simply started as friends, not "I want to be your Dom" which is so much better in the long run.

 

[MaryanneB]

I think what you are trying to say is that he seems clingy and needy, instead of more upfront and demanding, assuming a leadership role, if you will. "Why don't you pay more attention to me?" Not so much the words, as the attitude. "I messaged, and you didn't message back in 2 seconds." Once again, not the words so much as the way they are presented; no confidence, seems to need more of your attention and all of your time, never considering that you have RL things to do?

Yes, I've met a few of them here. One especially comes to mind. I liken it to their never having been a Dom IRL, and this is their first experience with it. They've 'read the books', searched online, and they know 'how it's done'.

When you tell him that you think it 'just isn't working and you aren't compatible', he gets offended and starts begging, acting more like a brat than you are (okay, I'm talking about myself, here).

But, there are other men here who are completely confident and comfortable within themselves that don't have issues like that. Every Dom needs assurance that he is meeting your needs, but the attitude will be completely different. It was a long hard struggle, but I found someone I adore, and we simply started as friends, not "I want to be your Dom" which is so much better in the long run.

Thank you. That explains a lot to me.
I guess I often believe that the people I deal with will keep their personal agenda out of the mix. That I realize is never going to be the case.

 

[CutieMouse]

What I would really appreciate is a clear idea of what the roles are. If I'm being unreasonable or if I have an incorrect idea of roles, then I'll pack up my tent and move on.

When you sit down and think about what "submission" and "dominance" looks like in your ideal world... How do those two perspectives manifest themselves? When you think about what makes a partner "compatible", what does that look like? That's the starting point for finding a good relationship, D/s and/or kink "fit".

For example, my current relationship would probably confuse 90% of people who are "active in the community". To the point that he's trying to talk me into going to a munch, just to watch the confusion on people's faces as they try to figure out which one of us is running the show. lol

I could care less if I, he or we fit traditional "roles" in dominance and submission. I like having a huge, artistic, intellectual, arrogant, primal beast of a lover... Who happens to enjoy bringing me coffee in bed, doesn't mind having final say/control, and is perfectly comfortable doing the dishes. He likes having a nerdy, submissive, intellectual, sexually kinky woman in his life... Who is frequently mistaken for dominant and perfectly independent (thank you very much).

Is he any less dominant because he enjoys making me coffee? Am I any less submissive because I set the schedule whe he's in town? At the end of the day, we are both committed to giving what the other needs, and getting what we each want. That matters far more than "roles".

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Porkwarrior]

If you're meeting guys online, and especially if it's staying online/focusing in any way on kink/sex... Odds are good you'll end up dealing with a HNG (Horny Net Geek), who sees you as a free alternative to the $2.98/minute cam-girls and/or phone sex operators. That entitled "I'm paying for this" attitude will cross over, even though you are doing them a favor [by dealing with them at all].

If you don't want to deal with indignant, entitled men, lock down some boundaries that will increase the odds of dealing with fewer HNGs.

Work towards real-life meetings.
Don't engage in explicit conversations online.
Make 90% of your interactions about life, not kink.
Etc.

If those "rules" = HNGs telling you that you aren't submissive? Awesome. Those guys just took themselves out of your kinky-gene pool. Next!

If you're simply wanting a bit of cyber, and the above doesn't apply... HBGs are the price of admission, for playing online.

EXCELLENT post, and voice of experience.
When I was younger I figured out fairly quickly that men (boys?) view sexual relationships as math equations. A+B=Blowjob. The problems start when sexually immature men(boys?) go through the motions...then end up frustratingly unsatisfied.
They never see a woman, just an equatic solution to a problem.

It used to be somewhat cliched "romantic" maneuvers, but nowadays it has translated to "Tell slut to get on her knees+Whatever I saw on Fetlife today=Wet dripping pussy begging for me".
Times may have changed, but I still think my hypothesis is pretty spot on.

Or am I totally off base?

I've heard some men say that 50 Shades brought out women who wanted to explore the life style but
want it to be the movie. I agree and will take it a step further. It is also bringing out males who want to play the role of the movie heart throb. It's very disconcerting.
The other thing I'm finding is the fact that many of these men have issues with their own sexuality and think that being dominant will cover up their inadequacies.
Thank you for your remark concerning my ability to be reasonable. I think of myself as exactly that. What I would really appreciate is a clear idea of what the roles are. If I'm being unreasonable or if I have an incorrect idea of roles, then I'll pack up my tent and move on.

I've always found you be reasonable, sane, and gloriously upfront about what you're after. I like to think I'm the same way as well. Ofcourse I keep running into the entitled, bitchy, whiney, women who want to "top from the bottom"...so what does that say about both of us?

Thank you all. I'm beginning to think that what I want is a man who is secure in his sexuality and wants a woman who wants to be satisfied. Maybe I'm not looking for a dom as much as I want a man who is happy with who he is and what he has to offer.
That and a guy with a great big dick.....

Hey baby, how youse doin' ?





(Seriously, why does there need to be these defined roles when naked these days, doesn't anybody just like to be bent over a piece of furniture or pinned against the wall with their arms above the head and just fuck anymore?)

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Always eloquent, CutieMouse.

Getting caught up on definitions and the right way to do BDSM (which doesn't exist, by the way) is a mistake. Communicate, communicate, communicate and find your path, which will likely be different with every partner. Enjoy it.

 

[FelicityJohns]

When you sit down and think about what "submission" and "dominance" looks like in your ideal world... How do those two perspectives manifest themselves? When you think about what makes a partner "compatible", what does that look like? That's the starting point for finding a good relationship, D/s and/or kink "fit".

For example, my current relationship would probably confuse 90% of people who are "active in the community". To the point that he's trying to talk me into going to a munch, just to watch the confusion on people's faces as they try to figure out which one of us is running the show. lol

I could care less if I, he or we fit traditional "roles" in dominance and submission. I like having a huge, artistic, intellectual, arrogant, primal beast of a lover... Who happens to enjoy bringing me coffee in bed, doesn't mind having final say/control, and is perfectly comfortable doing the dishes. He likes having a nerdy, submissive, intellectual, sexually kinky woman in his life... Who is frequently mistaken for dominant and perfectly independent (thank you very much).

Is he any less dominant because he enjoys making me coffee? Am I any less submissive because I set the schedule whe he's in town? At the end of the day, we are both committed to giving what the other needs, and getting what we each want. That matters far more than "roles".

I love this. So well stated.

As was BFG!

 

[Paul_Chance]

When you sit down and think about what "submission" and "dominance" looks like in your ideal world... How do those two perspectives manifest themselves? When you think about what makes a partner "compatible", what does that look like? That's the starting point for finding a good relationship, D/s and/or kink "fit".

For example, my current relationship would probably confuse 90% of people who are "active in the community". To the point that he's trying to talk me into going to a munch, just to watch the confusion on people's faces as they try to figure out which one of us is running the show. lol

I could care less if I, he or we fit traditional "roles" in dominance and submission. I like having a huge, artistic, intellectual, arrogant, primal beast of a lover... Who happens to enjoy bringing me coffee in bed, doesn't mind having final say/control, and is perfectly comfortable doing the dishes. He likes having a nerdy, submissive, intellectual, sexually kinky woman in his life... Who is frequently mistaken for dominant and perfectly independent (thank you very much).

Is he any less dominant because he enjoys making me coffee? Am I any less submissive because I set the schedule whe he's in town? At the end of the day, we are both committed to giving what the other needs, and getting what we each want. That matters far more than "roles".

This is very well said. Thanks for sharing it.