A Subs weight

[anondom123]

Hello all,

I have a question and would appreciate some advice from the kink community. A few months ago I began a D/S relationship with a woman my age (40). She is completely new to D/S and is enjoying it very much, as am I. We seem to be very compatible sexually and also IRL as a couple. The problem is that I'm not super attracted to her because of her weight.

I did see pics of her before we met so she wasn't hiding anything. And there was obviously enough interest for me (mentally) to meet her and then we really hit it off. I wouldn't label her as obese, although the BMI charts probably do. I certainly don't expect a woman of 40 who's had children to be 120 anymore, and I know that I myself could/should lose 10-15 lbs, but I'm sure she weighs quite a bit more than me and I'm 8" taller than her. On the good side, she is going to a gym a few times a wk and is on a high protein/low carb diet since I've known her. We haven't discussed this at all.

So, I WANT & WISH to be physically attracted to her more than I am, but :

- am I just being an asshole because I knew what she looked like before meeting?
- as her Dom should I use that influence (rules and goals) to encourage her to lose more?
- or as simply her BF or just friend should I encourage her?
- just ignore it all together?

I know weight is usually a sensitive topic for most women and would like some input.

Thx

 

[twister947]

She already knows she's fat. If you mention it, that's a direct attack on her self-esteem and sense of well-being. If you must do something, lose your own excess weight...lead by example.

 

[lydia_kitty]

Don't say anything. Women face so much societal pressure to be thin as it is that her inner dialogue is probably already very negative. From what you said, it sounds like she is already aware but more importantly taking steps to change her unhealthy habits. What you can do to help is suggest active dates - instead of going to a movie, explore a park, go hiking, check out botanical gardens, go to the zoo, something where you're up and walking around. Cook something healthy for her when you get together instead of going out. Be supportive and positive, weight loss takes time.

 

[Raingirl85]

Don't say anything. Women face so much societal pressure to be thin as it is that her inner dialogue is probably already very negative. From what you said, it sounds like she is already aware but more importantly taking steps to change her unhealthy habits. What you can do to help is suggest active dates - instead of going to a movie, explore a park, go hiking, check out botanical gardens, go to the zoo, something where you're up and walking around. Cook something healthy for her when you get together instead of going out. Be supportive and positive, weight loss takes time.

great advice.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It sounds like she is doing things that could help her loose weight.
Encouragement, cheering on and doing everything to help make it easier is probably going to be welcome. It's a good friend and partner thing, I think.

Joining in and building on the healthy lifestyle thing together is probably a good idea. Then you could perhaps discuss goals and how to best support each other. She's the only one who can say if she wants to make it part of d/s.

You are the only person who can decide if you are attracted enough to stay in the relationship.
That doesn't have anything to do with being an asshole, in my opinion. Making it some kind of hoop for her to jump through, would be less than frienly though.

 

[lydia_kitty]

You are the only person who can decide if you are attracted enough to stay in the relationship.
That doesn't have anything to do with being an asshole, in my opinion. Making it some kind of hoop for her to jump through, would be less than frienly though.

Agree with this. She did show you an honest representation of herself before you met in person, based on your post. Making it part of your Ds dynamic will either be just the right amount of extra motivation she needs or could go sideways on you. And what if she loses weight and you're still not physically attracted to her?

I can relate a bit as I briefly dated a guy who I had great chemistry with, but was not attracted to physically partially bc of how heavy he was. We're talking clearly morbidly obese, not just a little chunky, as I know that I am. But we only went on a handful of dates, I really enjoyed his company but I didn't want to pick up any worse habits than I already have by myself and we weren't very attached yet so it wasn't much of a conflict for me. It sounds like you're in deeper than that and need to be honest with her and yourself if you'd rather just be friends for now.

 

[wicked woman]

If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. Be honest with yourself and her. Make sure you take ownership that it's your issue and not hers. Yes, you'll probably come off as a jerk...you knew her size and knew you weren't attracted but took her for a ride regardless...but she deserves to be in a relationship with someone that takes her as she is.

Trust me, I've been there. Was building a relationship with a man, who admitted no one had ever made him as happy/ feel as good as I did. But he knew he was only attracted to petite women (in height and size) and I am neither. He had the guts to, as tactfully as possible, tell me that he had an issue. He was sorry but he was only attracted to petite women and he couldn't take our relationship any further romantically. Trust me, I wasn't very happy with him. Thought he was pretty shallow. Didn't he realize what he was throwing away? But deep down, I had to appreciate that he knew what he needed/wanted and had the courage to tell me. We were a mismatch that's all. And he thought enough of me to know I deserved better than he could give me. FYI We're still friends today and he's very happy with his petite girlfriend as I'm happy with my boyfriend who loves my height and size.

 

[midwestyankee]

Hello all,

I have a question and would appreciate some advice from the kink community.

[snip]

So, I WANT & WISH to be physically attracted to her more than I am, but :

- am I just being an asshole because I knew what she looked like before meeting?
- as her Dom should I use that influence (rules and goals) to encourage her to lose more?
- or as simply her BF or just friend should I encourage her?
- just ignore it all together?

I know weight is usually a sensitive topic for most women and would like some input.

Thx

Let's look at these one at a time.

1. Unless you've already brought up to her your ambivalence about her weight, you haven't yet been an asshole. Meeting someone you met online because you thought the two of you had a connection is not an asshole act. Meeting her solely to get laid, on the other hand, would qualify.
2. I am very leery of the idea of making self-improvement a part of the dominance/submission arrangement because it usually causes more problems than it fixes. It might be possible for you to help her meet personal goals in a fully established relationship, but I would argue long and hard against setting up any kind of punishment system connected with this help.
3. If exercise has become important to her, of course it would be goods to encourage her. But I wouldn't give it too much special attention unless she asks for it in some way.
4. Your last question is unclear, but it seems like you're asking if you should ignore the mismatch between her reality and your apparent body-type preference. No, as wicked woman said, it's your issue and not hers. If you own it fully, you won't ignore it.

Now, where do you go from here? I think it's worth doing some reflection about this body-type preference. Is it truly fundamental to you or is it just a default starting place for your fantasy life? What is it about body types that really matters to you? I'm somewhat short and I always found it a bit unnerving to date women who were taller than me. I preferred to feel physically larger.

When she smiles at you, how do you respond? Do you find yourself avoiding her over her body type or are you drawn to her regardless? As Obi-Wan would say, search your feelings.

I came to maturity feeling a preference for somewhat petite women, but I have loved women deeply who were not petite. I wondered how this could be and I came to the conclusion that my preference was more about my fantasy life than reality. In the end, I came to understand that the very best thing about my lover's body was that it was attached to her. You see, if a 200 pound woman loses eighty pounds, she does not become a different woman. Neither does the little petite 120-pounder become someone different if she packs on some pounds.

Search your feelings, Luke.

 

[ChoiceSupremusOBEAH]

And You say that You are a Dominant?

Firstly, at the very outset, it is so very difficult to acquire a slave Or submissive. But, here You come with this simple minded shiiii ...and discrediting your sub by debasing her based on her looks. It is ALL about serve and NOT appearance and the ridiculous views and particulars of Vanilla Life.

 

[Freya_Gin]

Despite being a domme, I'm generally a very nice person. I'm actually more of a sensual domme, far from the stereotypical super-bitch vanilla folks are likely to think of when they hear "dominatrix." I'm polite and I try to be considerate. So-- with that in mind, try to realize how badly you've fucked over this poor woman to piss me off like this.

My apologies to everyone else, but why is this dude being given a free pass? Man, you KNEW what she looked like before you met and you went ahead with the relationship anyway. I guess you're thinking was, "I don't think she's attractive but maybe it can work anyway?" Well, getting emotionally involved was a mistake, wasn't it, because since then you finally realized that she's a person with feelings who doesn't deserve to be hurt the way you're hurting her.

That's right, I said you're hurting her now; you think she doesn't know that you're not attracted to her? Believe me, she knows, especially if you're talking about her weight like that. And she almost certainly blames herself. But she is not to blame-- you are. You're the one who chose to involve yourself with someone you didn't want. She did nothing to deceive you into a relationship with her. If anything you deceived her into thinking that you could have feelings for her despite her "physical flaws," as I'm sure you think of her weight.

- Are you being an asshole? Hell yeah. Not because you're not attracted to her but for getting involved with her in the first place since you didn't want her. Seriously, wtf were you doing?
- What you mean is, should I stick with her and apply pressure on her to lose enough weight to suit me? (And at what point will she finally be good enough for you?) That's up to the two of you, but if I were her, I'd be telling you to fuck off. Maybe you should try being honest and upfront about all this to her like you should have been in the first place.
- Be her friend and encourage her? You mean, because she'll never be good enough for anyone unless she loses as much weight as you think she should? Newsflash: She's probably good enough at her current weight for plenty of people, myself included. But not for you. You make that apparent repeatedly here. She just has to lose the weight! I can't be attracted to her until she's skinny! Her weight is YOUR problem more than hers.
- No, don't ignore it. You've probably done enough damage with your attitude about her weight. Get out, find some woman who's skinny enough for you (and willing to do whatever she must to remain thin in order to please you or else you won't want her anymore). Give her the chance to find someone who appreciates her the way she is and is SUPPORTIVE of her desire to lose weight, not demanding it. Hell, I wonder if she will even care if you're out of the picture.

And to top it all off, you admit that you need to lose some weight too? Good God. But I'm sure it's okay, since you don't mention any women being as critical of your body as you are of your sub's, so your weight isn't an issue.

Another note. I found out that I have type 2 diabetes last summer. I've lost 40 pounds since then. I'm also 45. I've lost weight from my face, my arms, my ass, my lower abdomen, my vulva, my hips, my thighs and even my feet. I'm sure that I must have lost a little weight off my stomach, though I can hardly tell that I have. It sticks out just about as far as ever. People aren't kidding when they say that bulge on the midriff just won't go away. I'd have it liposuctioned off if I had the money for anything like that. But I don't so I may have to live with more of a stomach paunch than I'd like. Unless you have the money for surgical weight-removal, you can expect similar results with her. That's part of why I'm telling to get out; if her weight loss is what can be commonly expected, she's never going to thin enough to suit you. And she shouldn't have to live with someone who has that attitude about her body. She deserves better.

 

[paulthewetcd]

Despite being a domme, I'm generally a very nice person. I'm actually more of a sensual domme, far from the stereotypical super-bitch vanilla folks are likely to think of when they hear "dominatrix." I'm polite and I try to be considerate. So-- with that in mind, try to realize how badly you've fucked over this poor woman to piss me off like this.

My apologies to everyone else, but why is this dude being given a free pass? Man, you KNEW what she looked like before you met and you went ahead with the relationship anyway. I guess you're thinking was, "I don't think she's attractive but maybe it can work anyway?" Well, getting emotionally involved was a mistake, wasn't it, because since then you finally realized that she's a person with feelings who doesn't deserve to be hurt the way you're hurting her.

That's right, I said you're hurting her now; you think she doesn't know that you're not attracted to her? Believe me, she knows, especially if you're talking about her weight like that. And she almost certainly blames herself. But she is not to blame-- you are. You're the one who chose to involve yourself with someone you didn't want. She did nothing to deceive you into a relationship with her. If anything you deceived her into thinking that you could have feelings for her despite her "physical flaws," as I'm sure you think of her weight.

- Are you being an asshole? Hell yeah. Not because you're not attracted to her but for getting involved with her in the first place since you didn't want her. Seriously, wtf were you doing?
- What you mean is, should I stick with her and apply pressure on her to lose enough weight to suit me? (And at what point will she finally be good enough for you?) That's up to the two of you, but if I were her, I'd be telling you to fuck off. Maybe you should try being honest and upfront about all this to her like you should have been in the first place.
- Be her friend and encourage her? You mean, because she'll never be good enough for anyone unless she loses as much weight as you think she should? Newsflash: She's probably good enough at her current weight for plenty of people, myself included. But not for you. You make that apparent repeatedly here. She just has to lose the weight! I can't be attracted to her until she's skinny! Her weight is YOUR problem more than hers.
- No, don't ignore it. You've probably done enough damage with your attitude about her weight. Get out, find some woman who's skinny enough for you (and willing to do whatever she must to remain thin in order to please you or else you won't want her anymore). Give her the chance to find someone who appreciates her the way she is and is SUPPORTIVE of her desire to lose weight, not demanding it. Hell, I wonder if she will even care if you're out of the picture.

And to top it all off, you admit that you need to lose some weight too? Good God. But I'm sure it's okay, since you don't mention any women being as critical of your body as you are of your sub's, so your weight isn't an issue.

Another note. I found out that I have type 2 diabetes last summer. I've lost 40 pounds since then. I'm also 45. I've lost weight from my face, my arms, my ass, my lower abdomen, my vulva, my hips, my thighs and even my feet. I'm sure that I must have lost a little weight off my stomach, though I can hardly tell that I have. It sticks out just about as far as ever. People aren't kidding when they say that bulge on the midriff just won't go away. I'd have it liposuctioned off if I had the money for anything like that. But I don't so I may have to live with more of a stomach paunch than I'd like. Unless you have the money for surgical weight-removal, you can expect similar results with her. That's part of why I'm telling to get out; if her weight loss is what can be commonly expected, she's never going to thin enough to suit you. And she shouldn't have to live with someone who has that attitude about her body. She deserves better.

I agree. He took advantage of her.

 

[christinecuddlewell]

Indulge me. Imagine for a few moments that the women in question told you, "don't get me wrong, you've nice hair and a lovely personality and all that and you're not completely hopeless in the sack or anything like that. But... Well its just that all my previous lovers had much much bigger dicks than you have and... Well... You do understand don't you?" Now you might be fine with this and have a nice mature conversation about how you could work together to overcome this. On the other hand it is possible that you might not.

 

[anondom123]

OK, well, thank you for your replies and opinions. You've definitely given me something to think about. But I do have a few (yes defensive) comments for Freya.

- I have not talked about her weight at all with her. When she mentions the gym I just encourage and tell her that it's great to go. And we have gone on walks together and don't eat out - she prefers eating at home with this low-carb diet.

- I mentioned the 10-15 lbs I could lose to say that I am not a super-buff perfect body guy. And I'd never expect that from my partner either. But 10-15 lbs extra on a 6' guys frame is a lot different than 70-80 on a 5'4" womans frame.

- I DO have feelings for her and we are in an exclusive relationship. We txt all day long (not just D/S) and see each other whenever possible. We seem very compatible, and not just D/S wise. I could easily see her joining in with my family and vise-versa (no opportunity yet). She is a very strong person IRL, but just really craves to be completely submissive in our relationship.

- You mentioned me wanting 'thin', 'skinny' a number of times and that's not true. I'm not unrealistic. I'm not perfect looking, and I would never expect a partner to be either. A woman doesn't have to be a model for me to be attracted to her physically.

- And ChristineCuddlewell - no, dick-size is NOT the same as weight. You cannot change dick size... but you can change your body size.

I was thinking of going along the lines of this advice:

It sounds like she is doing things that could help her loose weight. Encouragement, cheering on and doing everything to help make it easier is probably going to be welcome. It's a good friend and partner thing, I think.

Joining in and building on the healthy lifestyle thing together is probably a good idea. Then you could perhaps discuss goals and how to best support each other. She's the only one who can say if she wants to make it part of d/s.

IE talking to her about the gym and what program she's on, and seeing how I could help/join in. But NOT in a D/S way, just in a BF, SO way. I think she gained due to the last 10 yrs of an unhappy marriage, turning to food as a pacifier.

Thanks again for the replies and to anyone else who wants to chime in.

 

[IvyMarquis]

Leave it alone.

Seriously leave it alone. I am not fucking around, I am not being cute. Unless you've had a frank discussion about her with this and know where her headspace is at regarding food and her weight, any commentary can hurt her way worse than you realize.

She's aware of her weight (I assure you) and it sounds like she's made the decision to make changes in her life. That's great. Don't bring it up until she leads a conversation in that direction, especially if you guys have not talked about how comfortable she is with you popping in your two cents and even more so if she's said anything (either implicitly or explicitly) about not wanting your opinion on her weight and/or diet. Encouraging her when she brings up that she's going to the gym or found this bomb ass new recipe is one thing. Striking up a conversation on your own is another matter entirely.

I'm not particularly overweight (145 at 5'4), but women are conditioned from the media from basically age 12 on that your value is tied to a number on the scale. I don't have an E.D. but I'm extremely insecure about food and someone (especially someone who is supposed to care about me regardless of my weight) making commentary on food intake/my weight makes it even worse. There are many women who are like this, and it doesn't go away once you reach your "goal weight". Then, instead of fixating on losing the weight, you fixate on maintaining it and it is an ugly cycle.

The last thing she needs is to worry that the number on the scale dictates how much you may possibly be able to find her attractive. It will (justifiably and unfairly) make her beyond anxious and insecure anytime there's even the slightest set back if she's dedicated to losing x number of pounds, rather than just consistently incorporating healthy eating and exercise into her routine.

If you don't know exactly how she responds to those kinds of comments, keep them to yourself. And for the love of fuck do not say anything along the lines of 'I'm just concerned about your health'. You're not a medical professional, you've got exactly zero reasons to be making judgments on her health based on weight alone.

It's her body, her journey and not your concern. You of course can stick along for the ride if you so choose. However, if you can't love/be sexually attracted/whatever to her as she is, you sure as shit don't deserve her and she's better suited finding someone who can.

 

[SpunThings]

OK, well, thank you for your replies and opinions. You've definitely given me something to think about. But I do have a few (yes defensive) comments for Freya.

- I have not talked about her weight at all with her. When she mentions the gym I just encourage and tell her that it's great to go. And we have gone on walks together and don't eat out - she prefers eating at home with this low-carb diet.

- I mentioned the 10-15 lbs I could lose to say that I am not a super-buff perfect body guy. And I'd never expect that from my partner either. But 10-15 lbs extra on a 6' guys frame is a lot different than 70-80 on a 5'4" womans frame.

- I DO have feelings for her and we are in an exclusive relationship. We txt all day long (not just D/S) and see each other whenever possible. We seem very compatible, and not just D/S wise. I could easily see her joining in with my family and vise-versa (no opportunity yet). She is a very strong person IRL, but just really craves to be completely submissive in our relationship.

- You mentioned me wanting 'thin', 'skinny' a number of times and that's not true. I'm not unrealistic. I'm not perfect looking, and I would never expect a partner to be either. A woman doesn't have to be a model for me to be attracted to her physically.

- And ChristineCuddlewell - no, dick-size is NOT the same as weight. You cannot change dick size... but you can change your body size.

I was thinking of going along the lines of this advice:



IE talking to her about the gym and what program she's on, and seeing how I could help/join in. But NOT in a D/S way, just in a BF, SO way. I think she gained due to the last 10 yrs of an unhappy marriage, turning to food as a pacifier.

Thanks again for the replies and to anyone else who wants to chime in.

I think the best indicator of whether or not you should keep building this relationship is how you feel about the very real possibility that she doesn't lose any weight, or an even more likely possibility that she gains it back. Can you stick with her without resentment in either case? If not, it's not fair of you to continue this relationship.

 

[SpunThings]

Also, it's much harder for women to lose weight than it is for men. The older we are, the more weight we have to lose, the harder it is.

 

[MistressBlaze]

if she's not already perfect to you the way she is now she knows it. Even if she loses the weight so YOU can be more attracted to her she will always stress over not being good enough for you. Been there done that and believe me that's no way for anyone to live She deserves someone who loves all of her just the way she is, as we all do. Losing weight is her choice, her struggle if she chooses it. She needs a man who will love her, make her feel special, be there for her when she stumbles and will never be critical of her. If you can't be that man leave now before you damage her even more.

 

[timmyid2]

I don't think this is about your sub as much as much as it is about your girlfriend.

If you love her, you have to find ways to be supportive. As part of that, you should figure out how you can make your love life exciting even if neither are excited by the looks of the other.

Sexuality is about touching, caring, tastes and sensations. It's about emotions and stimulation. If your visual stimulation is lacking, then you need to make up for it with other senses to make it work. Suckling the breast of a 60 year old can be as satisfying as one of a 20 year old.

Learn to cherish the person, and you will find that the sexuality will follow.

timmy

 

[Que]

Leave it alone.

Seriously leave it alone. I am not fucking around, I am not being cute. Unless you've had a frank discussion about her with this and know where her headspace is at regarding food and her weight, any commentary can hurt her way worse than you realize.

She's aware of her weight (I assure you) and it sounds like she's made the decision to make changes in her life. That's great. Don't bring it up until she leads a conversation in that direction, especially if you guys have not talked about how comfortable she is with you popping in your two cents and even more so if she's said an*ything (either implicitly or explicitly) about not wanting your opinion on her weight and/or diet. Encouraging her when she brings up that she's going to the gym or found this bomb ass new recipe is one thing. Striking up a conversation on your own is another matter entirely.

I'm not particularly overweight (145 at 5'4), but women are conditioned from the media from basically age 12 on that your value is tied to a number on the scale. I don't have an E.D. but I'm extremely insecure about food and someone (especially someone who is supposed to care about me regardless of my weight) making commentary on food intake/my weight makes it even worse. There are many women who are like this, and it doesn't go away once you reach your "goal weight". Then, instead of fixating on losing the weight, you fixate on maintaining it and it is an ugly cycle.

The last thing she needs is to worry that the number on the scale dictates how much you may possibly be able to find her attractive. It will (justifiably and unfairly) make her beyond anxious and insecure anytime there's even the slightest set back if she's dedicated to losing x number of pounds, rather than just consistently incorporating healthy eating and exercise into her routine.

If you don't know exactly how she responds to those kinds of comments, keep them to yourself. And for the love of fuck do not say anything along the lines of 'I'm just concerned about your health'. You're not a medical professional, you've got exactly zero reasons to be making judgments on her health based on weight alone.

It's her body, her journey and not your concern. You of course can stick along for the ride if you so choose. However, if you can't love/be sexually attracted/whatever to her as she is, you sure as shit don't deserve her and she's better suited finding someone who can.

This is apt.

It is unlikely that weight issues are not emotionally based, at least in part. Trained professionals have very little sucess with patients that seek them out for help. When food is your drug, total sobriety is not feasible.

Anything you initiate is likely to do more harm then good. Know what you have involved yourself with be prepared to be supportive if and only if she asks for support with the strides she is attempting.

Best hope is to help her with non-weight-related, esteem-building activities.

 

[DaddyAsh]

Indulge me. Imagine for a few moments that the women in question told you, "don't get me wrong, you've nice hair and a lovely personality and all that and you're not completely hopeless in the sack or anything like that. But... Well its just that all my previous lovers had much much bigger dicks than you have and... Well... You do understand don't you?" Now you might be fine with this and have a nice mature conversation about how you could work together to overcome this. On the other hand it is possible that you might not.

My soon to be ex wife said that to me, almost word for word...

 

[J_R_Ashunwhy]

I think the best indicator of whether or not you should keep building this relationship is how you feel about the very real possibility that she doesn't lose any weight, or an even more likely possibility that she gains it back. Can you stick with her without resentment in either case? If not, it's not fair of you to continue this relationship.

Also, it's much harder for women to lose weight than it is for men. The older we are, the more weight we have to lose, the harder it is.

All of this. Otherwise...

- am I just being an asshole because I knew what she looked like before meeting?

Yes.

 

[swansfield07]

Don't say anything. Women undergo constant societal pressure about their appearances, especially their weight. She knows what size she is-she doesn't need you to tell her.

I'm a woman in my 20s, and I'm overweight based on BMI charts. You wouldn't guess by looking at me because of my weight, but I struggled with eating disorders for years, and I was very thin because of it. Gaining weight through recovery has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Every day, I am constantly reminded of my weight. Upholding a positive body image is incredibly difficult. So many things remind me that I'm not as skinny as society says I should be, and when I get comments about my weight, although they are rare, it makes me feel even worse.

My point is that you never know what a woman has been through regarding weight. Commenting on her weight is just going to make her feel more self conscious than she probably already does. In addition, it sounds like she leads a really healthy lifestyle. If she's healthy, her weight doesn't matter. Weight and health are personal, and it isn't your place to comment.

Also, if she has to be a certain weight for you to be attracted to her, perhaps you should move on or seriously reconsider your values. Beauty is so much more than weight or size.

I hope this helped.

 

[cascadiabound]

There is a whole thread on the playground called "You're Beautiful..."
It was started by a lovely Litster who has an understanding of just how difficult beauty is for so many (if not all) women to see within ourselves.
It is a thread where we are able to remind ourselves and each other that in fact we are beautiful.
There is a remarkable utube video on the OP of that thread that I would recommend everyone view as way to get some insight into how twisted women's self perceptions are of their own looks. How unable they are to "see" themselves clearly.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=862861

This does not speak particularly to weight, but to the general issue of self esteem, self worth and the fact that criticism of weight and looks cut very very deeply especially when these come from someone who purports to care for us. These words never leave our heads. The tapes run forever. I can still hear my mom "encouraging" me to lose weight in highschool (when I was 36 x 26 x 38 in my measurements... By no means overweight!!!! Just not the same lithe body type she was so lucky to have) by telling me she would not buy me the designer jeans I wanted in the size that fit... But in one size smaller... and I could have them when they fit me.
I am still infuriated by this small cruelty.

I echo the advice you have been given. Leave it the hell alone.

cb

 

[the captians wench]

Let's look at these one at a time.

1. Unless you've already brought up to her your ambivalence about her weight, you haven't yet been an asshole. Meeting someone you met online because you thought the two of you had a connection is not an asshole act. Meeting her solely to get laid, on the other hand, would qualify.
   [*]I am very leery of the idea of making self-improvement a part of the dominance/submission arrangement because it usually causes more problems than it fixes. It might be possible for you to help her meet personal goals in a fully established relationship, but I would argue long and hard against setting up any kind of punishment system connected with this help.
   [*]If exercise has become important to her, of course it would be goods to encourage her. But I wouldn't give it too much special attention unless she asks for it in some way.
2. Your last question is unclear, but it seems like you're asking if you should ignore the mismatch between her reality and your apparent body-type preference. No, as wicked woman said, it's your issue and not hers. If you own it fully, you won't ignore it.

*snip*
Search your feelings, Luke.

I have used Jounar to help keep me on track with weight. I'm not very active, I don't enjoy many active, um, activities, and I can't stand the idea of going to a gym. Every once and again I'll get in my head that I want to slim down and that I need to be more active. Knowing that my tendency would be to not exercise, but I am very eager to please and complete tasks (and be praised in general), I ask Jounar to help me. He has me define my goal, define how I want it measured, and then define exactly how I want him to help.

Now I'm very comfortable in my own skin, and pretty confident, but my weight is a very sensitive area. And I can go to a dark place very quickly. He knows this, and when I am in this mode gives me extra praise.

Having said all of that, 1 I usually just don't stick with it long and my desire to loose weight fades (and he lets it happen naturally) 2 it's something started by me, including asking his help to keep on track, and lead by me. And 3 I am very self aware, confident, and comfortable in my own skin. (I also have medical issues that make it very difficult for me to loose weight, even when I am very active and eating well.)

Jounar likes to see me squirm, and there's not much that makes me squirmy these days, so he will use weighing me as one of those thing to make me uncomfortable. He's very selective about it, it doesn't happen often, I consented to it, and after 10 years I know he loves my whole me, even the little fat rolls that I hate.

As to being an asshole. I met a guy, online, who I connected with. Had a good deal in common. He sent me pictures and I just wasn't attracted to him. Not just slightly, I was not physically attracted to him at all. But we had enough in common that I agreed to meet with him. I told him my hang up before hand, he wasn't the type I was attracted to, but he's a good guy, we have a lot in common, can we meet on friendly terms, no pressure, no expectations. So we did. And I wanted to be attracted to him. This was a guy who would take really good care of me, I could tell. But after 1 beer, 2 ciders, and a whiskey, I still had no attraction to him. And I'm a very friendly drunk. At this point I'm usually hitting on tables and chairs. I was up front and told him all of this. Sex is very important to me, and if I'm not physically attracted to you, it is just not going to work for me. My mom called me a shallow bitch, and I questioned it for a while. But no, he just didn't do anything for me. He couldn't handle just being friends and eventually started a huge fight over him thinking that we were going some where and me saying I can't see myself fucking you. Very ugly.

I am a very physical girl. Sex is very important to me, and if I am not attracted to you, it's just not going to work. That's just how it is.

Bottom line: It's not your place to change her. If she asks you to help, then do so, but you probably shouldn't directly offer (though I do like the idea of doing more active dates). If you're not attracted to her, that's okay, as long as you're not leading her on. But really think on it, are you really not attracted at all? Is what attraction you feel enough for you? And do not get attracted to the idea of her being thinner. Not going to work.

 

[Currahee_Gent]

The more you see her, the more she is going to get attached, especially with sex involved. What happens when another woman is available who is 60 pounds lighter and working on losing her extra twenty? Is woman #1 going to get kicked to the curb?