Newbie in a D/s MMF thing looking for ideas/advice

[Ambro1409]

Greetings!

First post. So far I've been reading a lot of threads here and you guys seem stellar. Looking for some advice/ideas/general discussion/anything at all relating to my situation. I'm 26 and very new at this.

I've just gotten into an MMF thing with a buddy of mine and his girlfriend. They have a Dom/sub relationship and they're into the whole BSDM thing. I've discovered after doing this a few times that so am I! I love it. She's very submissive, and I'm learning that I'm very dominant, so we're meshing well, but I'm not very confident yet. It's weird for me because she isn't "mine". I guess that'll just be another learning curve. I'm also learning that I love bondage, spanking, rape play, the voyeur/exhibitionist thing, asphyxiation, and cuckolding. It's all so much fun! But to be clear there is no male on male action. It's just all about her. That's a road I may cross one day, but for the foreseeable future, I have zero desire for that.

I'd really just like to hear from those of you who are more experienced with this kind of thing. What are some interesting things I could bring to the table to surprise them and it make it better for everyone? Have any of you been in an MMF relationship where both M's were dominant? Is it going to be a recipe for disaster, or is it going to be okay? As a newbie, what are some things I should be researching or looking into so that I can just get better at this whole thing? Are there any questions I should be asking you guys but haven't a clue what to ask?

I'm also interested to know what kind of products I should acquire. I'm planning on getting some eye hooks so I can hang her from my ceiling joists.. and I already have a magic wand and some dildos which have come in very handy. But those aren't really exclusive to the whole BDSM thing. They're just regular fun.

Anyway. Enough words. I'm just so excited about this lol I had no idea how much fun this world was. I'm just gonna go away and keep reading all the threads in this subforum.

 

[MeekMe]

What are some interesting things I could bring to the table to surprise them and it make it better for everyone?

It's probably better to not surprise them. Unless you know them really well I think you should ask them first.

As a newbie, what are some things I should be researching or looking into so that I can just get better at this whole thing?

These things: "I love bondage, spanking, rape play, the voyeur/exhibitionist thing, asphyxiation, and cuckolding."
Look into how to do these things safely.

I think talking to the couple would be a great place to get some info. At least for playing with them. Just realize that however they do things is not how everyone else does things.

 

[CutieMouse]

IMO the best thing you could bring to the table, would be excellent communication skills, and the ability to "own your own shit".

What's your plan if/when there is a miscommunication? What if feelings develop? Jealousy? What happens when something goes wrong or a trigger is hit? Have you built in "down time" to just hang out as friends? Does anyone want/need that? Is everyone on the same page re: open or closed triad? Fluid bonding? STD screening? How will you explain the arrangement, if/when people ask you if you're seeing someone? What's your worst case scenario, and what is your Plan B if chaos, drama and zombies attack?

Lots of men think they can handle sharing a lover... The ones who actually can are fewer and farther between.

 

[Litforclit]

Interesting topic! I have no advice. Sorry for chiming in anyway. In my experience. There may be two dominant men but one is more alpha. anyway. Good luck, sounds like a lot fun. Hopefully someone else can give good advice.

 

[ktgirl18]

MeekMe and CutieMouse have really hit the nail on the head. Look into being able to do things with them safely, and that means physically, emotionally, mentally, and health-wise.

Buying eye hooks is all well and good, but definitely make sure you look into the physiology of rope, so you know where to not place it to avoid nerve damage. Have safety scissors on hand (the ones EMS people use, ideally, but anything is better than nothing). Have a frank discussion about limits, safewords, and possible triggers.

Once all that is out of the way, and back to your question, I highly suggest a flogger. I personally love them. But definitely look into using them properly. Which you should do for any toy/object you purchase, or any play you plan on engaging in.

Have fun!! =]

 

[midwestyankee]

Just my two cents, but this sounds like a 17 year old who just got his license asking about driving in a Formula 1 race. Slow down, dude.

 

[Ambro1409]

IMO the best thing you could bring to the table, would be excellent communication skills, and the ability to "own your own shit".

What's your plan if/when there is a miscommunication? What if feelings develop? Jealousy? What happens when something goes wrong or a trigger is hit? Have you built in "down time" to just hang out as friends? Does anyone want/need that? Is everyone on the same page re: open or closed triad? Fluid bonding? STD screening? How will you explain the arrangement, if/when people ask you if you're seeing someone? What's your worst case scenario, and what is your Plan B if chaos, drama and zombies attack?

Lots of men think they can handle sharing a lover... The ones who actually can are fewer and farther between.

Yeah, this has been an asset so far. We've been doing this a little while now and we've had some issues/drama but communication has been key. We just discuss everything and talk about where everyone stands and get over it. For example; he's not comfortable with me alone with her. We figured that out the first night when he got really jealous after listening to her moaning and screaming through the wall/door and made a huge deal about it. That's fine. Now we set up a webcam and whenever her and I have alone time.. he watches the whole thing on video from the other room. With the freedom we discussed where he can join in at any time. It's their relationship and I'm simply a fuck-toy. That makes all of us happy. And that kind of thing isn't the norm. Usually we work together on her, but in the case of her rape fantasy for example.. he only wanted one person for that. Send me in to rape her while he watches on camera.

As far as STDs go we're all clean. He and I are both sticklers for that so we got tested before starting anything lol and yes, it is a closed situation. They're in a monogamous relationship and like I said I'm just a fuck-toy for them to spice things up with.

As far as hanging out as friends.. we still do that often. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week, and usually have one night for hanging out as friends and the rest is for fun. It's a great relationship.. and it's actually made he and I better friends too because there's a huge trust factor. ie; Don't take my girlfriend away.

It's probably better to not surprise them. Unless you know them really well I think you should ask them first.

I don't mean just spring shit on them right in the act. We have a sort of arrangement where he and I discuss things ahead of time so we're both on the same page and then try and make things great for her. We plan out "scenarios" together. I'm just looking for ideas I can bring to the table.. or things I can bring up with him ahead of time because he knows her well enough that he doesn't need to run anything by her. He's pretty confident what she likes/doesn't. Besides, we have an open dialogue anyways if something isn't good.

I think talking to the couple would be a great place to get some info. At least for playing with them. Just realize that however they do things is not how everyone else does things.

Yeah, I've been doing that thus far. Just following their lead and we all talk about what's good and how they do it and how they like it. But I've brought my own stuff to the table and they've both loved it. So I know they're open to it, and I'm pretty sure this would be a good place to get some better ideas. I've been reading a lot of the erotica novels/short stories on this site and it's been some top drawer stuff. I know them both well enough that I can make a judgment one way or the other on what's good for us and what's not.

Just my two cents, but this sounds like a 17 year old who just got his license asking about driving in a Formula 1 race. Slow down, dude.

Why do you say that? I mean, I asked for a discussion so maybe if you could elaborate instead of just giving me derision I could address your concerns.

 

[Ambro1409]

MeekMe and CutieMouse have really hit the nail on the head. Look into being able to do things with them safely, and that means physically, emotionally, mentally, and health-wise.

Buying eye hooks is all well and good, but definitely make sure you look into the physiology of rope, so you know where to not place it to avoid nerve damage. Have safety scissors on hand (the ones EMS people use, ideally, but anything is better than nothing). Have a frank discussion about limits, safewords, and possible triggers.

Once all that is out of the way, and back to your question, I highly suggest a flogger. I personally love them. But definitely look into using them properly. Which you should do for any toy/object you purchase, or any play you plan on engaging in.

Have fun!! =]

I agree with the safety. I actually have done a lot of reading on this before posting here. I've been practicing the knots and she and I talk together about what's comfortable and what's not and I've found some good resources online about making the proper knots not to cut off circulation or cause any damage.

We did discuss safe words and limits and that ahead of time. We've been very responsible in that. Everyone wants to be able to have fun.. and she likes me to be a lot rougher than I am normally comfortable being.. so when I have to do that.. I need to actually feel out her limit myself. And the safe words are how we do that. It's been pretty easy for me to tell when she's nearing her limit though so I think that's good thing.

I would like a flogger. There's a sex shop nearby I'd like to just go fill a cart with stuff lol

 

[midwestyankee]

Why do you say that? You've literally provided nothing of value. Just derision. And you haven't explained the reason for that. Maybe if you'd elaborate I could address your concerns.. or if you're just a prick trolling I'll just ignore you and move on.

In your own words, you just got started, you're just discovering that you enjoy being the dominant partner in a sexual relationship, and already you're thinking of doing suspension, which is one of the more dangerous activities in the BDSM playbook. If this doesn't strike you as a little bit too fast, then sure I'm just a prick and you're already a genius who can't possibly seriously injure another person by mistake. For your sake, I hope she has good medical coverage and a lousy lawyer.

 

[Ambro1409]

In your own words, you just got started, you're just discovering that you enjoy being the dominant partner in a sexual relationship, and already you're thinking of doing suspension, which is one of the more dangerous activities in the BDSM playbook. If this doesn't strike you as a little bit too fast, then sure I'm just a prick and you're already a genius who can't possibly seriously injure another person by mistake. For your sake, I hope she has good medical coverage and a lousy lawyer.

Yeah, sorry, no. I didn't mean suspension. I meant hands bound and hung from the ceiling with her kneeling on the bed. Baby steps. No actual suspension. That legitimately scares me because I'm not ready for that yet.

I did edit my post because I came off like a prick, but yeah.

I understand what you mean. I didn't explain myself clearly enough. Sorry for coming off like a prick. I came here looking for advice and I didn't expect to be attacked. Especially with something that's serious like this.. I appreciate all the actual advice everyone else provided but I was taken aback by your lack of I dunno. Giving a shit? I apologize either way.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yeah, sorry, no. I didn't mean suspension. I meant hands bound and hung from the ceiling with her kneeling on the bed. Baby steps. No actual suspension. That legitimately scares me because I'm not ready for that yet.

I did edit my post because I came off like a prick, but yeah.

I understand what you mean. I didn't explain myself clearly enough. Sorry for coming off like a prick. I came here looking for advice and I didn't expect to be attacked. Especially with something that's serious like this.. I appreciate all the actual advice everyone else provided but I was taken aback by your lack of I dunno. Giving a shit? I apologize either way.

Truth is, most people around here do give a shit, especially about people wo could be on the wrong end of a beginner's untrained violence. I'm one of them. Also, as you have found, we take this seriously enough that we take people at their word. So if you screw up and write something that isn't exactly what you mean, that's all we have to go by. We're not mind readers. Writing exactly what you mean matters a lot.

What you don't know is that for every person who replies to you here, there might be a dozen or more who merely read the posts. When we respond with what feels to you like excessive caution it's because we want those other readers to get the point, too.

 

[Ambro1409]

Truth is, most people around here do give a shit, especially about people wo could be on the wrong end of a beginner's untrained violence. I'm one of them. Also, as you have found, we take this seriously enough that we take people at their word. So if you screw up and write something that isn't exactly what you mean, that's all we have to go by. We're not mind readers. Writing exactly what you mean matters a lot.

What you don't know is that for every person who replies to you here, there might be a dozen or more who merely read the posts. When we respond with what feels to you like excessive caution it's because we want those other readers to get the point, too.

I understand, and I appreciate that. There are only so many words I can put in a post and I hate making walls of text, so that's probably why I was more vague than I intended to be.

I appreciate your caution too. I am new, and I'm not trying to go too far too fast. I spend a lot of time reading and watching videos trying to expand my knowledge in this area. There honestly isn't a lot I'm comfortable with yet, but I'm trying to broaden my knowledge so that I can actually see a clear path of progression for myself. Everyone always wants more, and if I know what comes next, I know what to add to the relationship at the right time. That's it. I'm sorry for being short with you.

 

[Ambro1409]

IMO the best thing you could bring to the table, would be excellent communication skills, and the ability to "own your own shit".

What's your plan if/when there is a miscommunication? What if feelings develop? Jealousy? What happens when something goes wrong or a trigger is hit? Have you built in "down time" to just hang out as friends? Does anyone want/need that? Is everyone on the same page re: open or closed triad? Fluid bonding? STD screening? How will you explain the arrangement, if/when people ask you if you're seeing someone? What's your worst case scenario, and what is your Plan B if chaos, drama and zombies attack?

Lots of men think they can handle sharing a lover... The ones who actually can are fewer and farther between.

You do raise a lot of good points.. and a lot of these are things I've considered but haven't been able to find a good answer for.

Like I said above, communication has been key. There have been many miscommunications. Usually between him and us. We assume one thing but he had intended another thing, and then it becomes an issue. But we've just been able to discuss the issues and move past them, so it hasn't been a problem yet. There's a bigger issue there, though. Whenever this stuff comes up, it's like it's her and I against him. And that's not okay. It's not like we're ganging up on him or anything, but when the discussion happens and we all talk about our feelings, she and I line up perfectly with each other and he's the outlier with the problem and we don't get it. That's definitely an emotional thing that needs addressing but it's going to take time. He gets very jealous too, but he's been getting better about it. The more open he and I are with each other I've noticed the less jealous he gets. The less I talk, the more problems happen. I've just been talking to him about shit that doesn't mean anything to me so that I just give him a "state of the union address" type thing and it seems to make him much more comfortable. It's a learning curve for all of us.

We're all on the same page about the situation here in that I'm free to see whomever I want (provided I use protection or make sure I know they're clean), and they're monogamous. I'm not seeing anybody though so we're pretty much a closed triad.

Fluid bonding? We don't use protection. She's on birth control and I pull out, so it hasn't been a thing beyond that. One of our "rules" is I am not allowed to cum inside her. So that's about it. We've all been tested recently for STDs. He and I are both adamant about that, so it worked out well. I've been really promiscuous in the past so I totally get why he wanted that too.

The "arrangement" will never be explained to anyone. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, I'm single and they're monogamous. If I ever get into a relationship with someone else I'll explain that I have an arrangement with another couple and we'll talk about it and see if that's a dealbreaker for her or not. That's a road I'll cross when I get there. I'd never lie about that, though.

My worst case scenario would be if feelings develop. Right now, I say I'd just end the sexual relationship and we go back to being friends. But it isn't always that simple, is it? Feelings complicate things and impair judgment. I'm not sure what I'd do if that happened. I have a great splitting axe I'd use for zombies, but feelings? That's another beast entirely. I feel pretty confident that wouldn't happen, though. She's 7 years younger than me, and while I fetishize younger women, I seek relationships with older women. So I don't see that dynamic changing anytime soon.

 

[ValeriioN]

The "arrangement" will never be explained to anyone.

Is it stressful for you writing, or no? I enjoyed the discussion.

 

[Freya_Gin]

She's luckier than I ever was back in my subbie days. Sigh...