Vanilla sex aficionado; total newbie to BDSM. Help!

[purring_faerie]

Hello kinky people.

I'm 36 and in a loving relationship for over a year with a gentle, very sexual man who is very open minded. Recently got interested in this lifestyle. I feel like I've only experienced 1/10th of what sex can be. Still very wary of BDSM, due to media's portrayal of it. It comes across as scary. I'm trying to do research, but can't find some answers to my questions.

How should BDSM be viewed instead?
What is the best website for BDSM newbies, without scaring them off?

Important note: I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have PTSD, which in sex comes out only if my partner does something harsh or unexpected. However, I was choked once and had my hair pulled, while I was high, and I enjoyed it.

What should I consider with this in mind? Could I still enjoy BDSM?

Thank you so so much!

 

[Witchybug]

http://kinktoychest.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=63&Itemid=63
The Castlerealm folks used to be a favorite of mine, this link will take you to an archived collection of their articles, fantastic info, some of the best I'd say

 

[SpunThings]

Hello kinky people.

I'm 36 and in a loving relationship for over a year with a gentle, very sexual man who is very open minded. Recently got interested in this lifestyle. I feel like I've only experienced 1/10th of what sex can be. Still very wary of BDSM, due to media's portrayal of it. It comes across as scary. I'm trying to do research, but can't find some answers to my questions.

How should BDSM be viewed instead?
What is the best website for BDSM newbies, without scaring them off?

Important note: I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have PTSD, which in sex comes out only if my partner does something harsh or unexpected. However, I was choked once and had my hair pulled, while I was high, and I enjoyed it.

What should I consider with this in mind? Could I still enjoy BDSM?

Thank you so so much!

First, a lot of what the media portrays is influenced by porn. If you're at all familiar with vanilla porn you know it's nothing like actually having sex.

Second, informed consent is really important in BDSM. Don't like what you see? Don't do that thing.

Third, and to piggyback off my last point, BDSM is an umbrella term to include a large number of activities and desires and relationship styles. Think of it like a buffet. Just because you paid to get in, doesn't mean you have to eat that deep fried calamari if you don't want. Pick something else.

Remember if you see things that bother you, just because you can't imagine feeling fulfilled from such an act, doesn't mean the participants aren't very satisfied.

 

[Raingirl85]

I just want to reply to the childhood sexual abuse piece. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual trauma. This may sound odd, but being a sub has allowed me to overcome so much of that trauma. What happened to me as a child.. I had no choice in the matter. I was powerless. Exploring fantasies of control has allowed me to make the choice and to take the power back. I voluntarily choose to surrender to someone who cares about me and who I trust completely. When I explore non-consent and pain in sex, I am making a choice to claim those things, turn them into something totally different than my childhood experience, and that is very, very freeing. The result then is not me broken and traumatized, but me so whole, alive, so mentally/emotionally liberated, having orgasm after orgasm. It allows me to conquer my hang ups one by one until there are none left.

 

[cascadiabound]

I'd like to add to the intersection of prior sexual abuse or experiences of rape regarding sexuality in general and BDSM in particular.
I believe that it is important to keep in mind that abuse/ rape is about actual violence and exertion of power against someone's will and is a crime. It is NOT about sex. Sex is used as a weapon of violence and as a means to violate and dehumanize the victim/ survivor.
BDSM is entirely about consent. And it can be a powerful way to regain a sense of control and power over your own sexuality that was unfairly and cruelly used against a person. If you are able to establish a relationship of trust with another person, be it vanilla or BDSM, it can be a profound way to heal the trauma of being abused or violated against your will.

 

[CutieMouse]

http://kinktoychest.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=63&Itemid=63
The Castlerealm folks used to be a favorite of mine, this link will take you to an archived collection of their articles, fantastic info, some of the best I'd say

And I think Castle Realm perpetuated a dangerously over-romanticized version of BDSM, that increases the odds of ending up in an unhealthy dynamic.

Ultimately, OP, healthy relationships are healthy relationships - even when they include unequal power dynamics.

If you are a research-nerd, there are plenty of books available on Amazon -

The New Bottoming Book
The New Topping Book
The Loving Dominant
Etc

FetLife.com is an online community similar to Lit, but larger, more active, and with a much larger collection of forums. Novices & Newbies is usually a good starting point.

You mentioned being attracted to BDSM... IMO a good starting point is focusing on the things that you find attractive. Is it the idea of kinky sex? (However you define that) making your lover a perfect cup of coffee? Giving up the hard parts of Adulting, and letting someone else make those decisions?

What is it about BDSM that's so scary? And is that scary stuff influenced by crime dramas, porn, or real life? Because I swear, my partner and I are about the most boring looking couple you'll ever meet. And even though I'm the pyl in the relationship, he still brings me coffee in bed, and does the dishes if I'm busy, and asks my opinion on things - just like any other healthy relationship.

PYL = dominant, top, master
pyl = submissive, bottom, slave