You deserve a break form this shit, Floi-duh!

[JackLuis]

Here It Is, The Most Florida Headline To Ever Florida: Your Florida Roundup


Remember last summer,the Sun warm on your bare ass, in Flori-duh?

http://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/5252362cfa06bee304d289beb00ea195.jpg​

We will begin this week’s roundup with a headline that is too perfect, too resplendent, too quintessentially Floridian, for words:

Gunshot victim dropped off at Walmart instead of hospital

But because Yr Wonkette pays Yr Florida Correspondent to do words, let us break this thing down nice and slow.

Police say a shooting victim was apparently taken by a friend to a South Florida Wal-Mart instead of a hospital and left outside the store.

"Several residents of Duval County, Florida, are protesting the inclusion of two children’s books set in Afghanistan and Iraq in the third-grade curriculum of the county’s public schools, the Florida Times-Union reports. They argue that “The Librarian of Basra” and “Nasreen’s Secret School” contain subject matter too heavy for children, and promote “prayer to someone other than God.”

That Someone Who Is Not God is, yes, Allah, who actually is God to about one-fifth of the world’s population, but never mind that. What’s important here is that children are being exposed to other cultures, and that is a bad thing.

So let’s say you have a yappy-ass Chihuahua, and let’s say your yappy-ass Chihuahua craps in the house, and let’s say your teenage step-grandson scolds said Chihuahua in a manner of which you do not approve. How would you respond?

OK. How would you respond … in Florida?

One Florida man decided that the best tool to reprimand an 18-year-old who disciplined his dog was a machete.

WKMG reported that Robert Kronz grew upset when his stepgrandson disciplined his Chihuahua after it defecated in the house. In response, Kronz grabbed a machete and began to swing it at the teenager.

For some weird reason, that is a crime.

Okay, Breaks over, Back on your heads!

 

[phrodeau]

http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/cut_off_florida.gif

 

[KingOrfeo]

It's Florida. We all have machetes, and most of us have swung them in anger at one time or another.

 

[JackLuis]

Gun-loving Florida mom shot by 4-year-old son hours after bragging he ‘gets jacked up’ to shoot

gun-loving social media activist was shot and wounded Tuesday by her 4-year-old son while driving.

Investigators said Jamie Gilt was driving a four-door pickup truck hauling a horse trailer about 3 p.m. when the boy somehow managed to gain access to a .45-caliber handgun and shoot her from the back seat, reported the Florida Times-Union.

The shooting remains under investigation, and deputies said Gilt could potentially face charges in the incident.

“Those questions center around how is the fire arm secured? Where was it carried in the vehicle? And exactly how did the young boy come in possession of the firearm?” said Capt. Joseph Wells, of the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office.

 

[JackLuis]

Florida governor booted from ‘Morning Joe’ after refusing to say whether all Muslims hate America

“Would you tell your friend Donald Trump that he should walk back his statements that Muslims — that Islam hates America and Islam hates us,” Scarborough asked.

Scott only said that after the terrorist attacks in Paris, he asked for the federal government to halt “certain refugees,” adding he’s still “fairly certain that the U.S. government’s not vetting them.”

Scarborough then pushed further and asked whether Scott thinks generally, if Muslims hate Americans.

Scott refused to answer, instead talking vaguely about Florida “heading in the right direction.”

“I want to know what’s going on in your head, governor,” Scarborough said. “We’re friends. Do you personally think that Islam is a religion that hates America?”

When Scott again side-stepped the question, Scarborough’s co-host, Mika Brzezinski could be heard saying, “wrap it.” She then added, “No, no. That’s not answering any questions.”

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Florida governor booted from ‘Morning Joe’ after refusing to say whether all Muslims hate America

Duh, of course rag heads hate America. Theyre Muslims with vices who come here to drink and fuck each other in the ass but still love Allah.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Den

Of course the guy was dropped off at Wal-Mart instead of the hospital. Their ER is not full of Muslims without insurance and the cashiers took better care of him. Now git offin my lawn before I wack ya with my machete.

By the way where'd y'al git that pitcure of me and momma?

The rest of that shit is all made up...except the true parts.

 

[Hypoxia]

USA should have given Florida to Castro decades ago. They deserve it.

Global warming melting icecaps will submerge Florida. They deserve it.

GW will also drown DC, NYC, LA, SF, NOLA, etc. Do they deserve it?

Sailors used to mistake Florida manatees for mermaids. They must have drunk too much rum. Or cheap WalMart 54-proof mouthwash, three buck a jug. Sure, it's medicinal, but still...

I have never been there. I learned what I know of Florida from John McDonald, Jimmy Buffett, and Carl Hiaasen. Have I missed anything important?

 

[NOIRTRASH]

USA should have given Florida to Castro decades ago. They deserve it.

Global warming melting icecaps will submerge Florida. They deserve it.

GW will also drown DC, NYC, LA, SF, NOLA, etc. Do they deserve it?

Sailors used to mistake Florida manatees for mermaids. They must have drunk too much rum. Or cheap WalMart 54-proof mouthwash, three buck a jug. Sure, it's medicinal, but still...

I have never been there. I learned what I know of Florida from John McDonald, Jimmy Buffett, and Carl Hiaasen. Have I missed anything important?

They confused manatees with lesbians vacationing in Florida.

 

[JackLuis]

They confused manatees with lesbians vacationing in Florida.

Did you mean they thought manatees were lesbians, or that the lesbians were manatees?

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Did you mean they thought manatees were lesbians, or that the lesbians were manatees?

Lesbians are indistinguishable from manatees.