Sanctioned extra-marital fooling around?

[KimGordon67]

Not even sure I'm on the right board for this, but let's see how it goes.

I find myself in an interesting position in that, after being together for 15 years, and pretty much faithful during that time, my husband and I have decided that we don't necessarily need to be monogamous. This was instigated by me, not because I'm 'unhappy' with my marriage - I'm very happy, and absolutely do not want us to break up. However, 15 years is a long time to spend with one person (especially for someone with my track record), and there's a certain 'something' that I miss ... I guess the excitement of something new, someone different. There's also sexual aspects that I'm interested in exploring, which are definitely in a direction that my husband isn't wired for. None of these things are 'needs', but rather nice-to-haves, things that might make a bit happier with life in general.

So ... my question is, has anyone done this successfully, and to what would you attribute that success?

What I don't want is people telling me I'm 'breaking my vows' (because, in fact, 'forsaking all others' wasn't something either of us actually said), or tell me tales of woe about how this DIDN'T work for them, and now they're living in their sister's basement. The potential pitfalls and issues are painfully obvious, and I'm a big enough girl to work those out for myself.

 

[KimGordon67]

I should also point out ...

... that I'm not looking for offers. Thanks, but in 99.9% of cases that would be geographically impossible. And also isn't needed.

Just thoughts about what has resulted in this sort of thing actually working, with everyone being happy about the situation.

 

[peterthelicker]

Not even sure I'm on the right board for this, but let's see how it goes.

I find myself in an interesting position in that, after being together for 15 years, and pretty much faithful during that time, my husband and I have decided that we don't necessarily need to be monogamous. This was instigated by me, not because I'm 'unhappy' with my marriage - I'm very happy, and absolutely do not want us to break up. However, 15 years is a long time to spend with one person (especially for someone with my track record), and there's a certain 'something' that I miss ... I guess the excitement of something new, someone different. There's also sexual aspects that I'm interested in exploring, which are definitely in a direction that my husband isn't wired for. None of these things are 'needs', but rather nice-to-haves, things that might make a bit happier with life in general.

So ... my question is, has anyone done this successfully, and to what would you attribute that success?

What I don't want is people telling me I'm 'breaking my vows' (because, in fact, 'forsaking all others' wasn't something either of us actually said), or tell me tales of woe about how this DIDN'T work for them, and now they're living in their sister's basement. The potential pitfalls and issues are painfully obvious, and I'm a big enough girl to work those out for myself.

Hi Kim... Sorry I don't have experience in what you are asking so I can't give advice. I am curious about what you may be wanting to explore? Will your husband also explore outside delights? Is swinging a possibility?

I have been around swinging couples (and gotten to partake). I find many of them to have some of the strongest marriages I have ever witnessed.

Good luck!

 

[Rockstarkings]

... that I'm not looking for offers. Thanks, but in 99.9% of cases that would be geographically impossible. And also isn't needed.

Just thoughts about what has resulted in this sort of thing actually working, with everyone being happy about the situation.

Hi Kim, not really sure myself...married 23 years, very happily. I am fairly certain I am the only one in the relationship who is looking for something "more", which I have found here and there. However, I am married to a wonderful, mature and logical woman who has always maintained (as I have myself) that whatever you do as far as messing around goes, for god's sake don't make the mistake of telling your partner about it. That's about all I know on the subject, best of luck to you both ;-)

 

[KimGordon67]

.....

 

[KimGordon67]

Hi Kim, not really sure myself...married 23 years, very happily. I am fairly certain I am the only one in the relationship who is looking for something "more", which I have found here and there. However, I am married to a wonderful, mature and logical woman who has always maintained (as I have myself) that whatever you do as far as messing around goes, for god's sake don't make the mistake of telling your partner about it. That's about all I know on the subject, best of luck to you both ;-)

That seems like an imminently reasonable approach on the part of your wife, and is pretty much where we've gotten with our discussions. There's a good possibility that I'm the only one of us who'll act on this, as he's just not really that way inclined (although obviously it's a possibility, and I'm OK with that). Not being in the other person's face about it seems only respectful. I pretty much said 'I won't tell you anything unless you ask, but if there's anything you do want to know, I will answer any questions'.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hi Kim... Sorry I don't have experience in what you are asking so I can't give advice. I am curious about what you may be wanting to explore? Will your husband also explore outside delights? Is swinging a possibility?

I have been around swinging couples (and gotten to partake). I find many of them to have some of the strongest marriages I have ever witnessed.

Good luck!

Sorry, forgot to answer your other question - of course he can. Goose, gander, sauce, etc. It would be a bit hypocritical otherwise.

 

[peterthelicker]

My most important question you haven't answered yet.
What sexual aspects are you interested in exploring? Is it just something new or do you a special kink you want to try?

Again, not really what you are looking for but you seem good natured enough to humor me.

 

[KimGordon67]

My most important question you haven't answered yet.
What sexual aspects are you interested in exploring? Is it just something new or do you a special kink you want to try?

Again, not really what you are looking for but you seem good natured enough to humor me.

Yeah ... I was kind of avoiding that one, as it's not exactly pertinent to the post. I guess there's an element of just wanting something/one 'different'... but there's other things too. I don't really want to go down that road, because it tends to result in people making a raft of assumptions, and also too easily becomes a discussion about whether my 'needs' are being met, which is not how I frame the situation.

 

[KimGordon67]

my wife and i have that arrangement, she has her friends and i have mine, sometimes they stay over and we take it in turns as to who has the main or spare bedroom... sometimes both have a friend to stay but its seperate times not mixed, although i'd be happy to mix with other couples my wife prefers it this way - she can't do it with me in the same room.

we make sure that whatever happens those friends don't impact on family or work and that both honest about what / who we are seeing, chatting online / sexting doesn't count - providing it doesn't interfere with family / work as above.

so we both have times almost as though we are single, but meeting with folks is not always for sex but meeting socially as friends too

Interesting ... I don't think either of us could handle have 'others' in our home, but luckily I'm in a position where that's fairly easy to avoid. (Less so him, although I'm away a lot, so I guess he as option of going elsewhere ... and to some extent, that's not actually my problem anyway.) For us, I suspect keeping out of each others' faces about things is important, but obviously people have different ways of going about things.

 

[KimGordon67]

yes the bringing home didn't happen for a few years that sort of developed from it, we started back in 2003 and it's not for everyone, some folks are jealous of their partner or the attention they get compared to themselves, hasn't happened between us but has with some we've spent time with

Obviously jealousy is the biggest potential problem ... and I don't think I could handle actually SEEING my husband with someone else for that reason, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. I suspect part of the trick is ensuring that it's not detracting from your relationship with your actual partner in any way, so they have no real reason to feel that they're missing out on anything they'd have otherwise ... a useful thing I've only realised.

 

[mikendel]

Hubby wanted to watch me have sex with another man about 20 years ago. That has now turned into me having sex with who I want. I am open with hubby about when and where and with who. There may be months in between sex with another man and sometime I might have 2-3 men over 2 weeks. We were married at 19 and now we are both 50. It has really spiced up our marriage and I have no negatives to say about it.

 

[RawHumor]

Some people have opened their marriage up and become polygamous. Sometimes it works. Other times, not.

The tough part is that it's a lot easier for a married woman to find a guy to play with than it is for a married man to find a girl to play with. Communication is huge. Make sure nobody feels left out or like their needs aren't being met.

 

[malefica]

I've got a friend in an open marriage. And most of my friends are in various polyamorous and open relationship dynamics. I personally have given my Master full 'okay' to flirt with intent and to potentially establish other relationships. Each to their own.

 

[Teenathlete]

I have been with a few wives while their husbands watched. They tell me it really helped their relationship and their sex life. I was south younger than them, the husbands didn't have to worry about any personal feelings or any threat to their relationship.

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, statistically speaking, if the girls and the guys are playing around in equal measure, there shouldn't be a gender divide ... and in all honesty, if my husband were inclined to, I don't think he'd have any problem. He's an extremely good looking and lovely guy.

And yes, I get that sometime it works and other times not ... I guess what I'm wondering is what makes it work (as opposed to what makes it not work - that's pretty obvious). It's a bit of a dead end in terms of cultural representations, as obviously in the movies etc, this ALWAYS ends in disaster.

Some people have opened their marriage up and become polygamous. Sometimes it works. Other times, not.

The tough part is that it's a lot easier for a married woman to find a guy to play with than it is for a married man to find a girl to play with. Communication is huge. Make sure nobody feels left out or like their needs aren't being met.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hubby wanted to watch me have sex with another man about 20 years ago. That has now turned into me having sex with who I want. I am open with hubby about when and where and with who. There may be months in between sex with another man and sometime I might have 2-3 men over 2 weeks. We were married at 19 and now we are both 50. It has really spiced up our marriage and I have no negatives to say about it.

Interesting ... I wonder if that was the outcome he was expecting. We didn't get together until I was just over 30, and I got around a LOT before then, so I'm definitely not 'making up for lost ground' ... but at the same, I obviously like a bit of variety.

 

[KimGordon67]

I don't think polyamory is quite where we're headed ... I'm pretty clear that this is our marriage; anything else is just a 'nice to have'. (Though we have joked in the past about how much easier life would be if there was another wife in the family ... and there's really an element of truth to that. For both us - I need a wife nearly more than he needs another one.)

I think younger people are far easier, as a general rule, with this sort of thing - we're still suffering from the legacy of generations of very specific ideas of what marriage 'should' be like, instead of thinking about what it could be like.

I've got a friend in an open marriage. And most of my friends are in various polyamorous and open relationship dynamics. I personally have given my Master full 'okay' to flirt with intent and to potentially establish other relationships. Each to their own.

 

[KimGordon67]

I have been with a few wives while their husbands watched. They tell me it really helped their relationship and their sex life. I was south younger than them, the husbands didn't have to worry about any personal feelings or any threat to their relationship.

REALLY not what we've got in mind at ALL ... I couldn't imagine anything more uncomfortable for all concerned. Not that I'm judging - great, if that's what you're into. Just not really the thing for either of us.

 

[RawHumor]

I think you have misconceptions about polyamory. That is what you're looking for.

Polyamory doesn't require true equality among everyone (or sister wives). It just means that it's not strictly monogamy. You could (and would, it seems) still be each other's alpha and still be chiefly devoted to your marriage - just with freedom to explore with other people.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think you have misconceptions about polyamory. That is what you're looking for.

Polyamory doesn't require true equality among everyone (or sister wives). It just means that it's not strictly monogamy. You could (and would, it seems) still be each other's alpha and still be chiefly devoted to your marriage - just with freedom to explore with other people.

I think I do understand what it means - the 'amory' component would imply a little more than just sex outside one's marriage.
I also think I don't like sticking labels on things unnecessarily. There's too much potential for misunderstanding.

 

[policywank]

A few random thoughts and observations.

Make sure your husband is clear on the reality that your desire for sexual variety is normal and typical for women. The difference between you and other women is that you are being honest about it and inclined to act upon it. And the difference between him and other men is that he is not deluding himself that when women fall in love they could never want another.

Likewise ensure that he knows that being sexually active doesn't mean you are less discerning or prudent in your choice of partners. I know it sounds stupid but guys are conditioned to believe that a "promiscuous" woman is one who will fuck anyone who asks.

Expect that equal opportunity will not mean equal outcomes. I know you said that he is an attractive man who would not have trouble finding women. I would characterize my husband the same way. But the reality is that guys are more open to the possibility of a casual sexual encounter with a married person than women are so you will naturally have more opportunities than your husband (whether he pursues them or not). My husband found he could attract other women and they weren't prudish or insistent on a longterm relationship before having sex but they were not ready to accept our situation, whereas I found men anxious to fuck a married woman.

Set the parameters that ensure your commitment to one another but don't try to set so many rules as to pre-ordain outcomes. You don't know how you will feel in a given situation and it isn't reasonable to expect otherwise.

Expect that you will generate some degree of relationship with other men. It may not compete with the love you have for your husband but you will have affection for and a connection with them - know this in advance and don't confuse it with more.

Don't hold your husband to an unreasonable standard of strength and manliness. It is far easier for the "other" man to fit the stereotype than your husband because your husband is the one in a position of vulnerability and that is a direct result of your actions. All those other guys who talk a big game would lose their shit and come across as insecure babies if it was their wife who was having sex with other men.

Consciously avoid the evasion that we as women have been conditioned to utilize. Yes that guy at the bar was hitting on you and everyone knows it - claiming otherwise isn't fooling anyone. Your husband has already accepted that potential reality and knows he can't control other men. The question in his mind is how do you deal with it. Even the slightest evasion will be interpreted as hiding something and your husband's mind will immediately go to the worst possible scenario. The only productive choice is to face it head on and honestly - for instance, yes he was hitting on me but he doesn't appeal to me and even if he did I would never treat you so bad as to be flirting with other men when I am with you.

You indicated that you two are contemplating a "don't ask, don't tell" sort of arrangement. Just make sure you realize that he may eventually ask a question anyways.....in which case see the paragraph above this one. If he asks you a question give the honest answer or maybe lie if you must but don't evade. I have actually known women who say something like "I don't want to tell you because it will hurt your feelings." Seriously? As soon as she said that he is imagining her banging 10 men including his best friends and relatives while his co-workers take video footage of the wife moaning in ecstasy followed by a dissertation on her husband's inadequacy. Ok maybe that is extreme but you get the idea.

Make sure you are of a mindset to see things for what they are. For your husband there is a gigantic difference between your having sex with other men coming from a position of strength and being used by other men. The former is just sex. The latter comes across as you and your husband being suckers and disrespected. Regardless of his attitude towards your sexual activity no man wants to be seen as being taken for a fool. There is no room for naivete or ignoring the aspects of male sexuality that women don't like to acknowledge. There WILL be men who want to fuck you primarily due to the conquest of having another man's wife and they WILL be very adept at getting past your defences and convincing you otherwise.

Whatever happens you must own it. Unless someone physically forces you to do something there are no excuses ever......least of all one thing led to another and he turned out to be a jerk, boo hoo poor me.

Resist the urge to ever be dismissive of your husband's concerns. If you ever find yourself thinking or saying "oh you are just being silly" you are probably in the wrong - remember he is agreeing to let you fuck other men so maybe give him the benefit of the doubt no matter how seemingly silly or inconvenient for you his issue may be.

Ultimately your husband must know that he is first among equals not a man being replaced.

Finally make it worthwhile for him. As women we are conditioned to expect men to do most of the work even in the current more equal and enlightened environment. Take "I am not in the mood" out of your vocabulary - hubby probably isn't in the mood to contemplate you fucking other men but he is doing it. When you are out of town for the weekend (and possibly fucking another guy) think about how you are going to show your husband how happy you are to be home rather than expecting him to show you how happy he is that you are home. Be the strong sexually dynamic woman that knows she has a good thing and is unequivocal in her demonstration of appreciation.

Remember no matter how you wrap it up (reciprocal right etc.) you are asking of him the one thing that every man on earth knows casts him (far more than you) in a negative light. I know of no female equivalent. He is putting you first in the most extreme way in spite of the negative opinions of others. Make sure you do the same for him.

 

[screwher]

Not even sure I'm on the right board for this, but let's see how it goes.

I find myself in an interesting position in that, after being together for 15 years, and pretty much faithful during that time, my husband and I have decided that we don't necessarily need to be monogamous. This was instigated by me, not because I'm 'unhappy' with my marriage - I'm very happy, and absolutely do not want us to break up. However, 15 years is a long time to spend with one person (especially for someone with my track record), and there's a certain 'something' that I miss ... I guess the excitement of something new, someone different. There's also sexual aspects that I'm interested in exploring, which are definitely in a direction that my husband isn't wired for. None of these things are 'needs', but rather nice-to-haves, things that might make a bit happier with life in general.

So ... my question is, has anyone done this successfully, and to what would you attribute that success?

What I don't want is people telling me I'm 'breaking my vows' (because, in fact, 'forsaking all others' wasn't something either of us actually said), or tell me tales of woe about how this DIDN'T work for them, and now they're living in their sister's basement. The potential pitfalls and issues are painfully obvious, and I'm a big enough girl to work those out for myself.

Hmm from my perspective, your husband is a lucky man and he doesn't even know it. I'd love it if my wife had your same attitude and willingness to have have sex with another man. Right now after years of monogany she seems to be getting sexually restless and curious of other men again. But not quite ready to take that plunge again.

If it's any consolation if you were my wife you be fulfilling all of your other man desires.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thanks for this. Some of these points have already been part of discussions. Others are maybe less relevant because I don't think that, at least in some respects, we necessarily reflect all of the masculine/feminine traits that you've mentioned - probably why we ended up together. Also, I obviously mis-phrased something if it sounded like we were proposing a 'don't ask, don't tell' arrangement - it's more like 'don't tell UNLESS asked', which is somewhat different.
I think probably the most important thing is that it's a process, not a fixed state. And also, I kind of like my earlier point about not getting too wrapped up in what marriage 'should' be, according to various social standards, but rather what it 'could' be if we did what actually works for us (in the general sense) as a couple.
You make some interesting observations though - for me the bottom line is caring for the people I care about, which I suspect is really what you're getting at too.

A few random thoughts and observations.

Make sure your husband is clear on the reality that your desire for sexual variety is normal and typical for women. The difference between you and other women is that you are being honest about it and inclined to act upon it. And the difference between him and other men is that he is not deluding himself that when women fall in love they could never want another.

Likewise ensure that he knows that being sexually active doesn't mean you are less discerning or prudent in your choice of partners. I know it sounds stupid but guys are conditioned to believe that a "promiscuous" woman is one who will fuck anyone who asks.

Expect that equal opportunity will not mean equal outcomes. I know you said that he is an attractive man who would not have trouble finding women. I would characterize my husband the same way. But the reality is that guys are more open to the possibility of a casual sexual encounter with a married person than women are so you will naturally have more opportunities than your husband (whether he pursues them or not). My husband found he could attract other women and they weren't prudish or insistent on a longterm relationship before having sex but they were not ready to accept our situation, whereas I found men anxious to fuck a married woman.

Set the parameters that ensure your commitment to one another but don't try to set so many rules as to pre-ordain outcomes. You don't know how you will feel in a given situation and it isn't reasonable to expect otherwise.

Expect that you will generate some degree of relationship with other men. It may not compete with the love you have for your husband but you will have affection for and a connection with them - know this in advance and don't confuse it with more.

Don't hold your husband to an unreasonable standard of strength and manliness. It is far easier for the "other" man to fit the stereotype than your husband because your husband is the one in a position of vulnerability and that is a direct result of your actions. All those other guys who talk a big game would lose their shit and come across as insecure babies if it was their wife who was having sex with other men.

Consciously avoid the evasion that we as women have been conditioned to utilize. Yes that guy at the bar was hitting on you and everyone knows it - claiming otherwise isn't fooling anyone. Your husband has already accepted that potential reality and knows he can't control other men. The question in his mind is how do you deal with it. Even the slightest evasion will be interpreted as hiding something and your husband's mind will immediately go to the worst possible scenario. The only productive choice is to face it head on and honestly - for instance, yes he was hitting on me but he doesn't appeal to me and even if he did I would never treat you so bad as to be flirting with other men when I am with you.

You indicated that you two are contemplating a "don't ask, don't tell" sort of arrangement. Just make sure you realize that he may eventually ask a question anyways.....in which case see the paragraph above this one. If he asks you a question give the honest answer or maybe lie if you must but don't evade. I have actually known women who say something like "I don't want to tell you because it will hurt your feelings." Seriously? As soon as she said that he is imagining her banging 10 men including his best friends and relatives while his co-workers take video footage of the wife moaning in ecstasy followed by a dissertation on her husband's inadequacy. Ok maybe that is extreme but you get the idea.

Make sure you are of a mindset to see things for what they are. For your husband there is a gigantic difference between your having sex with other men coming from a position of strength and being used by other men. The former is just sex. The latter comes across as you and your husband being suckers and disrespected. Regardless of his attitude towards your sexual activity no man wants to be seen as being taken for a fool. There is no room for naivete or ignoring the aspects of male sexuality that women don't like to acknowledge. There WILL be men who want to fuck you primarily due to the conquest of having another man's wife and they WILL be very adept at getting past your defences and convincing you otherwise.

Whatever happens you must own it. Unless someone physically forces you to do something there are no excuses ever......least of all one thing led to another and he turned out to be a jerk, boo hoo poor me.

Resist the urge to ever be dismissive of your husband's concerns. If you ever find yourself thinking or saying "oh you are just being silly" you are probably in the wrong - remember he is agreeing to let you fuck other men so maybe give him the benefit of the doubt no matter how seemingly silly or inconvenient for you his issue may be.

Ultimately your husband must know that he is first among equals not a man being replaced.

Finally make it worthwhile for him. As women we are conditioned to expect men to do most of the work even in the current more equal and enlightened environment. Take "I am not in the mood" out of your vocabulary - hubby probably isn't in the mood to contemplate you fucking other men but he is doing it. When you are out of town for the weekend (and possibly fucking another guy) think about how you are going to show your husband how happy you are to be home rather than expecting him to show you how happy he is that you are home. Be the strong sexually dynamic woman that knows she has a good thing and is unequivocal in her demonstration of appreciation.

Remember no matter how you wrap it up (reciprocal right etc.) you are asking of him the one thing that every man on earth knows casts him (far more than you) in a negative light. I know of no female equivalent. He is putting you first in the most extreme way in spite of the negative opinions of others. Make sure you do the same for him.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hmm from my perspective, your husband is a lucky man and he doesn't even know it. I'd love it if my wife had your same attitude and willingness to have have sex with another man. Right now after years of monogany she seems to be getting sexually restless and curious of other men again. But not quite ready to take that plunge again.

If it's any consolation if you were my wife you be fulfilling all of your other man desires.

Yeah ... I see what you're getting at, but this is really quite a different kettle of fish. I'm pretty confident that neither of us have 'fantasies' about the other person screwing other people - it's more a 'I'm not wildly crazy about the idea, but if it makes you happy, let's see how it works out' kind of scenario. I get that a lot of people DO have that fantasy, and more power to them, but this isn't that sort of thing.