Desperate and married

[Zvikk]

Need your help! Where to begin? I'm in a pretty vanilla marriage and want so much more. I was very honest about my interests at the beginning of our relationship, and we played a bit early on. But one thing led to another and I fell in love. It's been 10 years, and we now have a young son. It's a struggle to just find time for sex, let alone anything remotely kinky. I don't want to fuck it up. I love her. I love our son. She is very monogamous. The sex we have is good, if limited in frequency and function. But I have this insatiable desire to have someone take control, to test my limits, to push. She's not against it- she'll tie me up occasionally, or give a swat or two, but dominance is not her nature. Control is not her nature. She is hesitant, scared, nervous-- due largely to past trauma. How do you beg for dominance when you're married (and committed to the relationship) and your partner is just not that person?

It's not the dreaded "lesbian bed death"-- it's a mismatch in interests, ultimately. I don't want to leave, but I feel like some innate part of me is missing or unfulfilled. But, I can't say that without making it sound like she's inadequate, which is definitely not true.

Torn.
N

 

[desertslave]

First off, munchkins take up a lot of time and energy. I promise, though, that part will get better. (Mine have survived to 26 and 23, miracle of miracles!) Find a reliable babysitter and set yourselves some date nights. Go out, enjoy yourselves and reconnect as a couple instead of parents (it's amazing how easily that identity can get lost).

Next, just plain talk to her. Write her a letter, give her some erotic poetry, put together a mix of songs that get your message across. I she is a reader, I cannot recommend this book enough. It is full of sexy stories that could get her thinking about possibilities. But above all try to talk with her in a calm, quiet moment. Hugs!

 

[Zvikk]

First off, munchkins take up a lot of time and energy. I promise, though, that part will get better. (Mine have survived to 26 and 23, miracle of miracles!) Find a reliable babysitter and set yourselves some date nights. Go out, enjoy yourselves and reconnect as a couple instead of parents (it's amazing how easily that identity can get lost).

Next, just plain talk to her. Write her a letter, give her some erotic poetry, put together a mix of songs that get your message across. I she is a reader, I cannot recommend this book enough. It is full of sexy stories that could get her thinking about possibilities. But above all try to talk with her in a calm, quiet moment. Hugs!

Thank you. Our son is 3, so it is getting better. I just don't know how to broach the subject without it sounding like I'm saying she's not good enough. I've tried before and it hasn't gone well. She's the type to blame herself for everything (when there is nothing to be blamed for!). I try to send her stories from this site to get an idea of what I want, but she just doesn't... I don't know... want to? Doesn't know what to do? Isn't comfortable with it? I can't put a finger on it.

 

[wicked woman]

Use a lot of "I" versus "you". You expressed it well to us, try the same with her. But basically be prepared that in the end this just not be in the cards for the two of you. I know if my partner expressed the same wishes that I would be unable to fulfill them. Then again, if he'd expressed the interest before we married, we'd have had a long conversation about how to deal with this before we married...and fulfilling the need with someone else would be discussed too. Sounds like neither of these options are available to you.

 

[Willieceedee]

All the advice above is good advice. You need time to reconnect. You need to rediscover each other. Kids take over lives, so carve some "us" time to be alone again.

I can't say you will ever get your wife to take control or be dominant. But when you are making love, to ask her to take control. Ask her what she wants, then do it. Ask her to take your hands and make them her own. Ask her to use your body to satisfy hers. Put her on top and ask her to guide you through a night of love making. Start with little things that make her feel comfortable being in control, telling you what she wants and desires. Then you can do the same.

But like the post from WW, it might not be. But in the end you may find new ways to explore and be intimate.

 

[IanXEss]

Like others have said, you both really need a date night to reconnect as couple. Nights that are just for the two of you are important. For my wife and I, all of our kids are grown and out of the house, but we still have a once a month date night

But it also sounds like you are having trouble communicating with your spouse about your wants needs and desires. Until someone seeks to penetrate the silence that is bothering you, nothing can be started. It takes both to communicate, but only one to initiate the process. You can’t make her communicate but you can seek communication with her. If your spouse refuses, you have lost nothing. It is worth the effort.

I would recommend you two copies of The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman (they also have a website with more info), one for both of you (WARNING: 5LL does is heavily Christian, but is well worth the read). The reason for two copies, is you are BOTH going to want to make your own notes and marks in the book.

5LL will give the ability to talk to your spouse in a love language they understand, know how to speak their love language will provide you with the opening you need.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Perhaps introduce dominance just as temporary role play for her, letting her in a way -try it on for size- knowing it is not a commitment to being dominant in your relationship.

I have 3 relationships- my husband, my dominant and then my submissive. When I first met my submissive we started out without the power exchange. She is naturally submissive and had ended a male dominated relationship a year or so prior.

It was the first bi relationship for both of us where we were very attracted to each other outside of any male involvement.

As we progressed we both felt the need for a power exchange of some sort. I have always had an inner sadistic self and a desire to control but I was hesitant. I was worried that being dominant in one relationship and submissive in another would be too difficult, or that if I changed my mind about being dominant because it didn't fit...that it would ruin this new beautiful relationship.

So we decided to do it on a trial basis with an end date. Knowing that I could change my mind without repercussions allowed me to fully go into dominant mind-set.

That end date has long passed. She is now my collared submissive and our relationship is getting deeper and better every day. I originally didn't think I could be dominant, but with the stress of expectation I was able to do it my way. I am probably not as dominant as she would wish but it works for both of us.

 

[Anonymaso]

Maybe try a different tack and ask her what she fantasises about, what her most taboo daydreams are. She obviously knows you like being tied up and teased but only she can know whether she can ever take things from playful to dominant. She maybe feels embarrassed so make sure you give her loads of positive reinforcement when she makes an effort.

One of the things that brought my partner out of his shell was that I kind of groomed him into taking the lead. When he initiated sex I responded passionately. When he tried being a little more forceful about it I all but swooned in his arms. I did everything I could subtly do to make him feel like the alpha and to convey my joy and gratitude whenever he pushed the envelope. I think he also needed reassurance that I wanted him to be rough and could take what he dished out. My responses and arousal levels when he took control of sex and got violent were the catalyst. He loved being able to make me frenzied, those were his first power trips before he got up the confidence to be sexually and emotionally sadistic. Everything else kind of grew from there.

I don't know how useful this is to you but it looks to me that if your partner is going to be willing to give this more of a shot, she's going to need a great deal of reassurance and positive feedback.

Maybe try a BDSM checklist. Fill out what you're interested in and see where her tolerances lie at this stage in the game.

 

[NoJo]

I had the same issue as you, also at around ten years of marriage. I really know what you're going through. I really do, and feel for you.


I'm now fifteen years on from where you are -- and only now really starting to work things out.

The only advice I can really give you is that the stuff you're not getting from your partner seems SO big -- in your case the need to be dominated, that you might be forgetting that there's a lot more to you than just that side. If you were to get that out of your system, you'd see that, although it seems like an almost irresistable urge, it still isn't what you ultimately need to be happy.

The urge to be dominated is, in large part, I think, the urge to relinquish responsibility. And maybe just giving her the confidence to feel more in control, will turn her more into the domme you crave, and allow you to be more submissive, without having to seek that outside of your relationship.