So I've always liked being dominant and rough. Just choking , slapping and spanking . I stated dating a 20 year old,I'm 26. . She's Muslim. Very goodgirl. Only ha had sex with other guy. She dosent really get wet when we have sex so I asked her why. She said she has fantasies and is thinking about other stuff when we have sex. This was shocking. Basically she dosent know what bdsm or s sub is but she's a major sub.she wants me to tie her up. Make her walk like a dog. I'm into it. But can you have a relationship and also be into this stuff. I feel like some stuff that I want to do to her. I won't be able to look at her the same. Anyone with any advice would be great. also what's good toys to start with. She's really into getting her nipples clamped she said she fantasizes about that.
New, need advice for my girlfriend and I
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SpunThings
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1 The presence or lack of "wetness" is not a reliable indicator of arousal. It doesn't necessarily mean anything if she's not wet.
2 I do this stuff within my monogamous marriage, so yeah you can absolutely do this in a relationship.
3 Women worthy of love and status as committed partners aren't some pure sexless breed. Women are women, and have just as much or little sex drive as men. Women have just as much or little desire for BDSM. Some do, and sone don't. Get rid of this notion that women have some kind of purity different from men.
CutieMouse
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Everyone is allowed their boundaries, yourself included, so even if there are things that she is curious about, interested in, or wants... if you don't want to do those things, you don't have to.
As for the "OMG I won't be able to look at her the same evar againz" stuff...
Dude. I promise you there are things going through most women's heads, that are sexually darker than you can even begin to comprehend. Does she think you're a sick disgusting fuck for getting off on the idea of walking her around like a dog on a leash? No? Then why are you worried about finding someone with whom you may be sexually compatible?
Discuss stuff. Try things out. Realize it may not always go as smoothly in real life, as it does in your head
And remember to have fun.
Lord_Steve
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you get off on choking, slapping, and spanking women and you are worried that you won't respect her if you indulge your kinks?
full disclosure: i also enjoy those things in a fun and consenting context, but you need to seriously examine the double standard that you're applying here.
do you only think that she's a "goodgirl" because she's only had sex with one other guy? how many women have you had sex with?
What do you mean? There's no double standard. I'm saying If I do some of these things to her, my head is different, maybe it won't look at her the way it did. It's nothing about a double standard. Yes that's the main reason I think so, also she's Muslim, that's another fantasy all together, dosent party or drink, comes from a vey conservative wealthy family. This is why I say "good girl". She just has that look as well.
This is really super advice. Thank you for not jumping down my throat when I come here for help. This forum isn't the nicest to new comers. Thanks for understanding my confusion and I'm sorry if I didn't word things perfect.
SpunThings
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The double standard is you get to be a man participating in these acts and that doesn't cast doubt on your worthiness as a long term partner, but if your female partner does or is on the receiving end of these acts, somehow she'll be less worthy of being your partner. I've seen this referred to as the Madonna/whore complex. There's no such thing as a "good girl". Women who like to have lots of sex or do what some like to call "dirty" acts are just as "good" as women who don't.
IrisAlthea
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Do you feel that you need to look at her as the good girl or could the relationship work just as well or better anyway?
Can you allow her to be both and can you be able to put away the "dogwalking view" of her when it's not in use?
L
La damnee elle la licorne
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Primalex
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Yes, this happens. And all mental BDSM activities require a regular reality check. The idea that you can constantly degrade and humiliate someone without it creeping into other areas of your life is a romantic fantasy. The "power corrupts" saying is not without merit.
Your question shows a healthy level of introspection though, so I'm not that concerned. Verify whether your thoughts and actions come from your kink mind or your rationale mind and you are good to go.
Then - change. Change always happens. How we view someone today might be different than how we view someone the next day, depending on what happened. This is a natural process - and this is why it's a bad idea to marry someone after 3 months. The question is, whether you like the result of the change or not.
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Primalex
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HMS Agincourt was a dreadnought battleship built in the United Kingdom in the early 1910s. Originally part of Brazil's role in a South American naval arms race, she held the distinction of mounting more heavy guns (fourteen) and more turrets (seven) than any other dreadnought battleship, in keeping with the Brazilians' requirement for an especially impressive design.
Brazil ordered the ship as Rio de Janeiro from the British Armstrong Whitworth shipyard, but the collapse of the rubber boom and a warming in relations with the country's chief rival, Argentina, led to the ship's sale while under construction to the Ottoman Empire.
My 20 year old girlfriend and me liked to watch porn together. She thought it was cool.
You're wrong. If I was gay and I was doing some of these things we want to do another man I would have the same feelings I'm thinking I might have after the acts are done. Nothing to do with gender here.
You seem to have a wealth of knowledge, and good advice at that. I guess we're going to start slow. I'm nervous. I bought handcuffs and a collar and basic things.ive never dealt with a girl who's into this so I'll be learning as I go as well. She also says she wants me to hurt and degrade her to the point where she's crying. Is this "normal " in this world
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CutieMouse
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It might be "normal", for her.
Has she experienced sex with pain & degradation to the point of tears before, or is it one of those things that she gets off on [when fantasizing/masturbating]?
No she has had one other boyfriend and she said the sex was horrible. Like he just got her got naked and had sex for 5 minutes he was a Virginin too. She had never even done oral or received it.i grabbed her throat when we first started hooking up and made her open her mouth and spit into it and she said it was the biggest turn on. Then she tells me these other fantasies. It's only something she fantasies about and we text about when she's turned on. Is that good or bad ?
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SpunThings
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Why would it be bad? Why would two adults enjoying eachother in consensual ways that doesn't harm others be bad? There are people who would judge that for sure, but it's not likely to be in this group, and they aren't going to be in the bedroom with you so what they think doesn't mean much.
CutieMouse
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Neither.
I asked, because there are a lot of things that sound hot... but aren't so much so in reality.
If she's turned on and fantasizing about things like hitting/humiliation to the point of tears, she might just soak that stuff up like sugar and beg for more [in real life]*.
But if she's never done it before, she might also discover that a belt on her ass [in her head] and a belt on the ass [in reality] are totally different things. Crazier stuff has happened.
That doesn't mean don't go down that path; it means go down that path with an open mind.
*That spitting in her mouth pushed a button in a good way, means she probably has a pretty good grip on her pain/humiliation happy triggers.
Lord_Steve
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dude, can you not recognize that are just as complicit in these sexual acts as she is?
she: enjoys being spanked.
you: enjoy spanking her.
why is the former something that troubles you, while the latter does not? she seems to respect you despite your proclivities, so why can't you respect her despite hers? maybe gender has nothing to do with it, but whatever your internalized disdain for submissives is, you need to let it go.
doms like to control other people, which is a little fucked up (but in a fun way). subs like to be controlled, which is also a little fucked up (but in a fun way). there's a reason that we use the word "play" when talking about these situations. they are fantasies. my partner is one of the most admirable and intelligent people i know, and the fact that she likes to get tied up from time to time has no bearing on that.
richard_daily
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If you won't be able to look at her the same after doing something to/with her, that's an issue with you, not an issue with her.
Yes I already established this on a previous post. My mind is different. It has nothing To do with her gender or anything like that. It's my mind.
Lord_Steve
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so, you acknowledge that it's on you? you are fixating on the wrong thing here. her gender, if you insist, is irrelevant, but:
it is not her responsibility to compensate for your issues. if you can't respect her as a partner after you (i'm assuming without much warning) chose to spit in her mouth early in your relationship, that is your responsibility. you willingly chose to introduce BDSM into your relationship, and now you're blaming her for enjoying the same things that you do.
get therapy, get educated, get whatever help it is that you need to acknowledge your partner as an equal.
jomar
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How can you respect someone you degrade? Fair enough question.
You're young and fairly I experienced. Do some research and read up. Different Loving, other stuff.
Her needs dovetail with your wants, which is good. But realize you are playing a role with her at these times, meeting her sexual desires, and you should be able to find a way to accept her needs and respect her as a whole person, which should allow you to look lovingly in her eyes. Like others have said, just because she has this submissive kink doesn't make her less than...nor you more than. She accepts you and is giving you a huge gift of trust as you both explore this.
You're young and fairly I experienced. Do some research and read up. Different Loving, other stuff.
Her needs dovetail with your wants, which is good. But realize you are playing a role with her at these times, meeting her sexual desires, and you should be able to find a way to accept her needs and respect her as a whole person, which should allow you to look lovingly in her eyes. Like others have said, just because she has this submissive kink doesn't make her less than...nor you more than. She accepts you and is giving you a huge gift of trust as you both explore this.
Very nice response I needed. Lovely. I'll update tomorrow after I see her. Planning to duct tape her arms and mouth shut. Keep it simple see what happens
MeekMe
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I know that sounds simple, but please at least look through the library for safety tips. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656
Make sure she has a safe signal so she can communicate that she needs to stop. Remember that duct tape can damage skin. Have safety shears available so you can cut her out in an emergency. And please be aware that bondage can cause nerve and circulation damage. I've never used duct tape for bondage, so my suggestions are merely a general precaution. Stay safe.
Edited to add this link. There was a good suggestion to put plastic wrap down wherever you're using the duct tape to protect the skin.
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