Wanting some feedback on my first story!

[fresha_love]

I wrote this story on a whim, I was dirty talking to a guy on an anonymous chat forum (also on a total whim, not something I had ever done before) and he suggested I try to write an erotica. So I actually took that conversation and turned it into an erotica.

Now that I've realized how fun this is I'm working on something new that's longer and has a bit more romance and character development, but while that's in the works I'd like to get feedback on this first piece:
https://www.literotica.com/s/an-erotic-night-turned-threesome

Along with any advice you may have on how to develop characters, or how to write erotica in general. I'm totally new to this whole world!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Short and to the point, nothing wrong with that. Except it's all over in a minute...

Here in Oz, if your writing was a long distance road journey, we'd call that one a "one blink town".

Sex isn't that quick in your real world, surely? Slow down, take your time, describe what you see, feel, smell, touch, taste.

To find your own way - keep reading, keep writing, and you'll figure out what stories to tell. Don't take yourself too seriously, have fun.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I scored it 5 stars. Its not a perfect story, like Duesenberg was a perfect car, but your effort is better than most others. Do something with your talent. I say, you have talent already, learn from the best, and trust your instincts. Plenty will teach you to be mediocre, resist it.

 

[HushHushCrush]

Sexy! It's quick and to the point, but I think it mostly works. I'd love to read something this direct that had more inventive descriptions of what all of this feels like for the characters. "She reached down and fingered my wet clit, I moaned and came again" is fine, but doesn't flesh out the image very much. What's unique about this finger, this clit, or this orgasm? Looking forward to reading your next one.

 

[fresha_love]

Thanks for the insights all of you!

 

[Iceprincess12]

This is less a story and more of a scene that you would write for someone specific. No background, no story, no characters. It works for the person you wrote it for, you don't need to describe him when he is reading it, but for the general public it just jumps into sex. I won't go into detail, it's the same criticism I have of most stories. I don't identify with her because there is nothing to identify with.

There is one line spoken and it's very cliche, straight from a bad porn

"What next, big boy?"

There is no answer, so why have this line spoken at all?

Stories can be both a good story and wank material, but this is just a scene. Give them some character, a little bit of location, take the details you see when you wrote this for him and let us see them as well.

 

[fresha_love]

@Iceprincess I guess I wrote it that way because I don't like all the fluff when I'm trying to get off. I've read some erotica, and I enjoy it when things are fairly anonymous and get straight to the point. If there is very minimal description of a character or a place, I can let my imagination run with it. I can imagine it being anyone I want from real life, or invent a character in my mind. Essentially, I can flesh out the fantasy in my own head filling it in however I like.

I guess that isn't how most people work, judging from the comments on the post and the feedback here. I wanted to work on my writing skills and character development skills anyways, so I'm writing a new story to see if I can improve those skills and possibly cater to what others seem to expect from a piece on this site.

 

[Iceprincess12]

@Iceprincess I guess I wrote it that way because I don't like all the fluff when I'm trying to get off. I've read some erotica, and I enjoy it when things are fairly anonymous and get straight to the point. If there is very minimal description of a character or a place, I can let my imagination run with it. I can imagine it being anyone I want from real life, or invent a character in my mind. Essentially, I can flesh out the fantasy in my own head filling it in however I like.

I guess that isn't how most people work, judging from the comments on the post and the feedback here. I wanted to work on my writing skills and character development skills anyways, so I'm writing a new story to see if I can improve those skills and possibly cater to what others seem to expect from a piece on this site.

I can understand the desire to do that but then you just have sex, not a story. Even porn tries to tell a story, badly, but they try to give more than just sex.

People can still use their imagination but it's good to give a frame to work within. A little description of him, light eyes, dark eyes, full hair...people can fill in the specifics of eye color, hair color, the small details but it makes him more tangible when he is described. Same for the others.

Don't feel you need to cater to the masses. If there is an audience for your scenes, then write for that audience. When you write just a sex piece like this, let people know that it's just sex and ask for specific feedback. I saw first story and I was expecting an actual story. Setting expectations for what people can expect will help narrow down your readers to those looking for what you are writing. It's up to you, but I would encourage you to always write what you want to write. Take criticism with salt as well, it's an opinion .

Good luck!

 

[sr71plt]

I wanted to work on my writing skills and character development skills

Since you mention this, I don't see that your piece has any character development at all, so I don't think you went anywhere with it in developing characterization skills. Beyond providing two females and one male in gender, I don't see anything presenting character at all. The writing skills were fine.

I think there's a legitimate place in the file for works that concentrate on the sex act(s) and leave character entirely open, and this is fine for that. But, since you define development character as a goal, I think you missed it entirely on that criterion.

 

[NotWise]

Along with any advice you may have on how to develop characters, or how to write erotica in general. I'm totally new to this whole world!

What you have is quite readable and enough to get a rise, but I would call it a vignette rather than a story. There are a lot of vignettes posted here and like pilot said, there's a place for them.

A story (as opposed to a vignette) has certain components.

Characters
Setting
Plot
Conflict
Resolution (or theme, depending on where you get this list).

It's possible to minimize some of these components and still have a story. Lot's of stories on Lit have little in the way of a conflict and the common plot ending is lots of fucking. Characters can be anonymous, but they usually aren't.

I think it might be hard to call something a story if it doesn't have at least two of the components pretty well-developed.

 

[fresha_love]

I just referred to it as a story since the forum section is titled story feedback, I am aware it doesn't have character development, or other aspects of a story. When I referred to working on those skills I was referring to a new piece I am currently working on that I have not yet posted.

Thanks again for all your feedback!

 

[lovecraft68]

Scene-

Mary is on the couch naked beneath her skimpy robe, she's horny as hell, she's teasing her pussy, she's thinking of masturbating yet again.

Doorbell rings, hunky UPS guy with a big package (yeah, I went there) he carries it in for her, turns around, she's naked on her knees, sucks him, they get naked, go around the world, he blows a load where ever you want him to and he then leaves

Mary is satisfied among the quickie sex and myriad bad jokes about packages and deliveries in the rear.

Okay why is that a scene and not a story? because we know shit about Mary. Who is she why is she horny, why is she so horny she just fucks a total stranger? Who is the UPS guy? The regular guy, he's had a thing for her? Why would he just fuck her?

Story...simply insert details. Mary is on the couch and horny and frustrated, why? Her husband was supposed to come hime from his trip and is now staying longer, she had a great night planned and instead it ended as it always does, her alone, frustrated, pissed and playing with herself

She also is thinking he is cheating on her (a maybe) ar at the least fed up with being ignored.

UPS guy...Rick, yup we call him Rick. He's been delivering packages(again with the damn package pun) to that neighborhood for years, knows Mary somewhat, in a the hey how are you, hows it going way. Thinks she's hot, thinks, man if she were my wife...

Mary has caught him looking and has flirted and teased him answering the door in skimpy clothing

He shows up at the height of her frustration and she decides, nice guy, good looking, I've seen him checking me out, seen his package(yeah baby!) and says fuck you hubby, I'm getting some.

Not much of a story, but something, we get to know something about Mary(now a movie joke LC is rolling) her frustration, her motivation and we know Rick's been into her and has had some fantasies of his own

That scenario could be LW or just EC and if you make her 45 and Rick 25 you have a nice mature cougar cub story

So again its not War and peace, its not intricate, its not quite story driven, but it is some character development some conflict-Mary has the should I shouldn't I, maybe Rick hesitates "what about your husband"

So now you have a story, not just two cardboard characters fucking for no apparent reason

 

[sr71plt]

I just referred to it as a story since the forum section is titled story feedback, I am aware it doesn't have character development, or other aspects of a story. When I referred to working on those skills I was referring to a new piece I am currently working on that I have not yet posted.

Thanks again for all your feedback!

This is the story you brought here for feedback. So, in direct answer to your question in the original post on providing help in character development, I guess the guidance is for you to realize that you haven't shown any character development in what you've provided so far, so the suggestion is to provide some in your work, if characterization is important to you. The referred work went a few paragraphs before establishing that the protagonist was female rather than male (with the word "clit"). How you weave in characterization also has a direct impact on whether the piece is well written. A data dump off the top isn't good writing.

 

[NotWise]

UPS guy...Rick, yup we call him Rick. He's been delivering packages(again with the damn package pun) to that neighborhood for years, knows Mary somewhat, in a the hey how are you, hows it going way. Thinks she's hot, thinks, man if she were my wife...

Given the story line, I might have gone for Rod.

 

[lovecraft68]

Given the story line, I might have gone for Rod.

I was already going with too many package jokes, Rod would have pushed it over the top.

Years ago there was a guy running for city council and his name was "Rod Driver" a little old man with a big time porno name. Hilarious.