Help me figure myself out

[Sarahbby]

Its 2016 and I want this year to be different. I've always been most aroused by being dominated. I had a chance a couple of years ago to visit a man who would make me his sub for the night but i always wanted more.

Sometimes i find myself watching things online that are brutal and say to myself i could never. Then i realize im soaking wet.

On the other side of it my dream is to be in a relationship where the domination only happens at home but im still loved and cared for.

I have fetishes that id love to play out like daddy's little girl and for that reason i like men older than me. But that role play is not something i need. I know a lot aren't into that.

Far from that ive recently seen something like facial abuse being face fucked so hard.. well those who know... at first i thought it was gross but again i was wet in the end.

And far far from those i just want to please a man.

My problem is ive not had much luck because if something were to happen i want it completely private eg...no cameras. And the other major thing is im not your average barbie figure. I am bigger. I have big thighs and a tummy that hangs i hold my weight well, or so im told. I hate it but it doesn't stop me wanting to fulfill my desires.


So can i ask your opinion? I mean honest. Good and bad opinions.

 

[Anonymaso]

You sound like you know what you want, which is always a good start. There are plenty of guys who like BBWs, have a browse on Fetlife.com (kinky facebook) because there are lots of BBW appreciation groups. Obviously start gentle and work up to the rougher stuff, learning your tolerances as you go. I don't think you should have a problem with the no cameras rule, so long as you're willing instead to meet for a coffee or something within a few weeks of chatting. There are also local events called 'munches' where kinky people can get together somewhere safe and neutral like a coffee shop to make new friends and support one another in the lifestyle.

I hate it but it doesn't stop me wanting to fulfill my desires.

If you're in a 'new year, new you' kind of mood, the possibility of kinky sex could be a good motivator for going on a diet and joining a gym class. Moderate changes to your diet and how much exercise you do in general will yield positive results. You shouldn't hate your body, it's the most incredible thing you'll ever own.

 

[Sarahbby]

Thank you x nice to know im not just crazy .... well

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

There are actually a lot of things that can turn you on mentally but not physically. What I mean by this is that are things that can excite your mind, but if they happened in real life they could be traumatic and damaging. It's not unusual for your mind to range much further than your body can trot. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach, etc etc.

The main take away is that things excite you. You see a woman getting anally gang raped by a herd of rhinos and you end up wet? You probably would enjoy a tentative fingering of your ass Listen to your instincts and go for what excites you, just take baby steps to determine where your limits are

 

[Sarahbby]

j Understand that. It's all so complex. When i was having time with a dom i was so scared but i loved it. The pain seems less when there is someone taking care of you.

 

[bustindustin82]

Sent you a dm

 

[richard_daily]

Its 2016 and I want this year to be different. I've always been most aroused by being dominated. I had a chance a couple of years ago to visit a man who would make me his sub for the night but i always wanted more.

Sometimes i find myself watching things online that are brutal and say to myself i could never. Then i realize im soaking wet.

On the other side of it my dream is to be in a relationship where the domination only happens at home but im still loved and cared for.

I have fetishes that id love to play out like daddy's little girl and for that reason i like men older than me. But that role play is not something i need. I know a lot aren't into that.

Far from that ive recently seen something like facial abuse being face fucked so hard.. well those who know... at first i thought it was gross but again i was wet in the end.

And far far from those i just want to please a man.

My problem is ive not had much luck because if something were to happen i want it completely private eg...no cameras. And the other major thing is im not your average barbie figure. I am bigger. I have big thighs and a tummy that hangs i hold my weight well, or so im told. I hate it but it doesn't stop me wanting to fulfill my desires.


So can i ask your opinion? I mean honest. Good and bad opinions.

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with what you're desiring, and it sounds like you have a fairly clear picture of what it is you like. I think that taboos can be hard to process, so make sure you're setting up situations where you have any aftercare that you need, if not from the person doing things to you, from other friends, or partners.

Other than that, make sure you have fun.

 

[LostBabygirl3489]

You sound like me. And your body is lovely the way it is...every guy is different and likes different body types in women. Some guys only like thin girls while others prefer curvy or plus size. I felt ashamed for a long time about what I liked and craved but it took a lot to accept myself and tell myself that my likes are not bad or wrong. I am here if you ever want to chat or need support.

xo

 

[SpunThings]

I think that porn is perhaps coloring your views in negative ways. You know people who do BDSM have the same bodies with the same variety that you find on the street? I'm an average curvy build short woman with a belly that has very obviously held three babies. Most people don't produce professional photographs of what they do, and I would bet the vast majority that do like to take pictures keep them for private use. Also the photographs you see are generally posed, and not always of actual scenes.

Find someone you are compatible with, who you want to spend time with, and who compliments your desires. Also, maybe take a break from the porn. If you were to see what people really get up to behind closed doors, it would look a lot more mundane than porn. The thing is with oorn you don't have the personal connection, so they have to make up for that to make it exciting enough.

Also there are things that make me wet that I find very wrong, and that disgusts me. I have no desire to act them out. A physiological response to something doesn't mean you necessarily enjoy it or want to pursue it.

 

[SpunThings]

I recommend you read this thread through. It might take a few sessions. Set aside some time and a cup of coffee: What's Your Relationship?

 

[Primalex]

Its 2016 and I want this year to be different.

The year doesn't even know you exist, why would it change something for you?

My problem is ive not had much luck

Your problem is that you believe in luck.

So can i ask your opinion? I mean honest.

That's what they all say before I start to write my opinion.

You want this year to be different? Then write down what you want, what stops you from getting what you want and your plan to get rid of what stops you from getting what you want.

 

[Issaquah]

Just be you - you are amazing just being you

Saw your post - you are truly amazing, from your thighs to your kinky mind. As social creatures we want to fit into our group - to be accepted. Unfortunately, the Media has exploited that desire by imprinting the idea of the "PERFECT" person that no one can truly achieve to be which makes us feel unworthy.

Places like Literotica, which unfortunately has some trolls, is a great place where we can openly explore ourselves. Fantasies, fetishes, curiosities, whatever the case maybe. Read stories, read the forums, chat with people. There will be people here who will come and go. They may share some of your fantasies but not others. They are on their own journeys...but it is great when like paths cross and connect, even if it is for just a little while.

I applaud your looking for answers here and hope that you have been able to get the support you need to safely explore your needs, desires, fantasies, fetishes, and curiosities. Just allow yourself to be the wonderful amazing person you are. Don't let that negative little voice in the back of your mind get the best of you. It thrives on self doubt.

May have gone off in a few wild directions there, but I hope you accept that you are an amazing person with desires just like the rest of us.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I find it interesting to explore why it is that something that you initially find gross makes you wet.

A couple posters have made the valid point that because something stimulates a base desire doesn't mean it is something that you necessarily want to experience (I especially like the rhino gang bang analogy). But I would also explore the converse implication. Maybe the reason your initial reaction is "gross" is because that is what you have been conditioned to believe and your visceral physical reaction (wetness) is more in tune with your real feelings.

There is no right answer of course. But I think there are at least two areas that require consideration.

First, virtually all of us have been raised and conditioned to believe certain things at least some of which are not the absolute truths that they are represented to be. In my observation the less certain people are the more likely they are to enforce their views with aggressive dogma. And just because those voices are the loudest doesn't mean they are universal. You aren't alone.

Second, as others have noted porn is a ridiculous portrayal completed disconnected from reality. Enjoy the stimulation but otherwise take nothing from it.

So to use your example being face fucked is not inherently wrong or automatically a reflection of the man's lack of respect as some would have you believe. Meanwhile it is painful and intrusive and therefore not all that likely to be a physically enjoyable experience.

But then not all pleasures are physical. And for me psychological stimulation has always been the point of my own fetishes. It is natural to be stimulated by the dynamics of control, dominance and taboo. Maybe you like the idea of a man controlling you. Or maybe you like the idea of doing things you have been repeatedly told you shouldn't do. Or both. Or neither. So be it. Enjoy it. Don't let others tell you what you should enjoy (it won't work anyway).

But if you want a Dom to face fuck you, I respectfully suggest that you find one who understands that it is at least partially about your psychological pleasure. Arrogant assholes who want to treat you like dirt or think being a Dom is all about being completely selfish and ignorant of your needs are a dime a dozen. You don't have to settle for that. IMO the good ones know what you need and bring you right to the edge of your bliss before wrapping you in a warm embrace. They enjoy doing it without being oblivious to your needs.

 

[DrHappy]

I wouldn’t over think it. I’ve read some books that try to give psychological reasons why certain people are turned on by “odd” things. I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are simply turned on by these things without any deep psychological reason at all. Emotions like fear, disgust, humiliation, etc… seem to trigger arousal in some people without any meaningful reason for it. Just accept that some of these things turn you on. Have some fun with it, and just play it safe. I’m certain that there are others that will find this to be an exciting quality about you.

 

[SpunThings]

I wouldn’t over think it. I’ve read some books that try to give psychological reasons why certain people are turned on by “odd” things. I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are simply turned on by these things without any deep psychological reason at all. Emotions like fear, disgust, humiliation, etc… seem to trigger arousal in some people without any meaningful reason for it. Just accept that some of these things turn you on. Have some fun with it, and just play it safe. I’m certain that there are others that will find this to be an exciting quality about you.

I agree. I think I'm just wired this way. For example, two people lacking trauma with heights, and one is terrified of heights and the other loves it. Why? They're different people.

 

[Anonymaso]

But if you want a Dom to face fuck you, I respectfully suggest that you find one who understands that it is at least partially about your psychological pleasure. Arrogant assholes who want to treat you like dirt or think being a Dom is all about being completely selfish and ignorant of your needs are a dime a dozen. You don't have to settle for that. IMO the good ones know what you need and bring you right to the edge of your bliss before wrapping you in a warm embrace. They enjoy doing it without being oblivious to your needs.

This is excellent advice and something I wish I'd realised when I was younger and more stupid.

You want this year to be different? Then write down what you want, what stops you from getting what you want and your plan to get rid of what stops you from getting what you want.

This is also something to think about. As someone who does not believe at all in luck or fate, it baffles me how people effectively hamstring themselves by deciding 'it's not the right time' or that 'the right partner will come along' in a way that requires no effort from them, because it's meant to be. This line of thinking can result in an abdication of the kind of responsibility for your life that motivates you to be proactive about it.

I met my ex via a kink dating site and we were together for 7 years. Sometimes we can be sat waiting for a lottery win without realising we'd have more chance if we went out and bought a few tickets.

I agree. I think I'm just wired this way. For example, two people lacking trauma with heights, and one is terrified of heights and the other loves it. Why? They're different people.

I think people can get too bogged down in the 'why' of these things. Do what you want to do and enjoy it. It's a commonly held misconception within the vanilla community that only emotionally damaged people engage in kink. There is nothing 'wrong' with you or what you're into.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

In my opinion luck is just how you see the world. Lucky people tend to be the type to notice the goid and let the bad pass by. Unlucky people tend to lend more weight to the bad that happens to them, while not seeing what good they really have.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Kinky_babygirl]

When I walked into a BDSM club for the first time I remember being struck by how NORMAL everyone was. You know, they looked just like average people you'd see in the grocery store or something. I saw all shapes and sizes...people playing at all shapes and sizes...and I felt so free. Like I could finally breathe and be me in this place where the only requirement to be who you wanted was simply your desires.

So embrace those desires! As long as they don't (non-consensually) hurt someone...have at it!

 

[IrisAlthea]

I believe we most often make our own 'luck' or at the very least shape it. My husband has often been the hardest working 'lucky' person I know and we are well practiced at making situations work for us for the best, so they seem very positive, where in fact when they arrived at our feet they felt not so much.

But I don't think everything is of own hard work.

For example, the hardest working person can be walking down a street and have a car veer into them....this is not ( bad) luck of their own making. Nor is illness.....of course you can contribute through life style, but some things happen to those who live well....there is only a certain amount that we can avoid or work for. I choose to concentrate my efforts on what is in my power, because .....what else does one do, but I try not to carry blame for the times when 'luck' failed me, or to carry false pride for the times I was 'lucky' and just was in a good place and a good time, or struck by inspiration. While we shape our lives with No doubt in our action and inaction....so do other people, events and things beyond our control and prediction. For me this is 'luck'.

Oh, I totally agree - shit does happen through no fault of our own.
There is no point in blaming it on what year it is or thinking that a new year will change it though.
We can only plan and act as best we can and then hope for the best.

And getting through said shit or handling it, adjusting to it or whatever may be necessary is still going to be up to us.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes, this is what I think,

Also though, good 'luck' happens, our successes are not always our hard work...not just our own making but right place, right time.

As I say, G is the hardest working lucky person I know . I used to be a very hard working lucky person. But....I also have some real 'luck' . Maybe because I was out there doing stuff meant I was right place right time often, . But, it wasn't just the 'Elle-ness' of me that got me all adventures and breaks, other people could have got them just as well. I was fortunate. And I am grateful.

Yes, I agree though, whatever 'luck' might be it doesn't do to sit and wait for some, good or bad.....one forges through life making it work for us. 'Fortune favours the brave'. Or which ever saying suits at the time.


Iris, I am so pleased to see you,

Great to see you too!

 

[subjennydanger]

I completely get the being wildly turned on by something that you consider gross, for me that's where this place and online in general comes in, we can let our minds wander to our hearts content