Why are you submissive?

[M_SNashCouple]

I like to please. It's who I am. It's not necessarily a sexual thing. In my everyday life I'm not a bossy person. I can lead, yes. But I don't enjoy it.

I do have my own things I control. Because they are things my Husband is not good at or doesn't have time for, bills and the kitchen is my domain. Though my Husband cooks most of the time. But these were given to me, as my responsibility.

In the bedroom, it's not that I like being dominated as much as it's I love not having to think. I like not having to worry about what to do, how to move. He tells me what to do so all I get is pleasure. All I do is to please him, which pleases me.

~JJ

 

[sterculius]

I'm really turned on by the intoxicating feeling of vulnerability. That I'm willing to cede control and permit someone to place me in humiliating situations where I have no choice but to do as I'm told. I'm a cocksucker and my main feeder likes "passing me around" to his friends. I love the way this makes me feel!

 

[CoercedAnon]

I'm not so much sub as I like to be controlled.

this resonates somewhat. thank you.
i would add: i'm not so much sub as i like to be controlled, though sometimes i enjoy being made to accept control. not always. not all ways, either. but...it fucks with my process of self identification.
sort of sub. sometimes.
i envy the simplicity in some of your answers.
i also really envy that not many of you seem put out by this.
it drives me crazy sometimes.
but thanks to this forum, i reckon maybe i can do something about acceptance.

 

[CoercedAnon]

I’m the primary mover in our kink relationship. While my SO enjoys what we do, his focus is on delivering what I want, rather than fulfilling a personal need to dominate. Left to his own devices he’d probably be happy with vanilla sex. If it weren’t for my continued pushing I doubt we'd engage in D/s at all.

Hence, dominant bottom.

I identify as bratty, though in an upfront sort of way, and principally because my SO looooves the behavior. If I didn’t find discussing my sexual needs with a partner deeply humiliating (a weird part of my kink) I might easily be a “do me bitch”.

Still, all the above is situational. I desire more: roughness, force, deeper submission. All fantasies I find wildly erotic. A desire to serve, not so much, though I do have strong caretaker tendencies. It could be that I would be fully submissive with a different partner. I just really don’t have enough experience in the BDSM arena to know for certain.

As I have a deep resentment towards my submissive needs being topped has been a good way to ease into kink. I’d likely revolt under the hand of an actual Domly type.

Down the road, once I've settled in a bit, I'll probably explore a bit more.

yes. this.

 

[CoercedAnon]

I never really thought of myself as submissive, until I met 'R' and then my life changed. I work in a world full of men, I am literally the only woman on my crew. I am so use to having to be dominant and proving myself at work that I find it can be exhausting sometimes. Honestly, I am a very strong-willed woman, but I like to please people in my personal life. I go out of my way to make others happy. Then you add in my absolutely terrible anxiety, depression and control issues.

And then there is 'R' this man who walked into my life and opened my world to another planet. Thankfully, he is a very patient man with me and my naughty tendencies when I don't want to listen and just do whatever. Now mind you for the most part the bdsm part of our relationship stays in our living spaces. But there is just something so right, when he teaches me how he wants me to act. Or when we are in the middle of a scene, and my mind is clear. I am thinking nothing but of him and how I can't wait to hear the words "You are such a beautiful good girl." It's still a new feeling, I am exploring. I enjoy all that we do, the tease, the pain, and pleasure.

I wonder sometimes, would I be submissive if this was another man....

this also is key, i guess? "would i be submissive if this was another man..." i have had this reaction with a man. i took the chicken exit though.
lordy, is this thread ever timely for me and what i am going through right now.

i would like to know if genetics play a part in any of this? hard wiring, maybe???

 

[CoercedAnon]

honestly, until i found my this man who's become such a part of my life, i had no idea i had this kind of submissive streak in me. like most of you, i exercise lots of control in my regular life. when i consider that objectively, it's exhausting and pretty unnecessary in lots of ways, yet that's just how my life is. what i am i going to do? just wait for someone else to pay the bills? hope someone else folds the laundry? obviously not. i've made this world that i run, so i've got to run it. yet all along, there was this parallel contrary need under the surface that was just waiting to explored: i feel like i have all this lava in me. he recognized that exactly for what it was, and knows exactly what to do with it. the truth is, i love letting him call the shots. i love knowing i can trust him. i love that grit in his voice when he tells me to cum. nobody else has that power over me. nobody ever has. it frees me from myself. in being his so completely, it's like i'm reborn. every single time.

what fascinates me is that there is a whole BDSM culture, there are terms, there are practices--i knew nothing about any of that until i met him. for me, it's simply a *need* that he recognized and took control over, like a fucking stallion.

and this, too.
i hope i am not high jacking by quoting so much. i am going to reread all these and then mull it all over. grateful for the honesty and open way you are all contributing here. bless.

 

[CoercedAnon]

I have a lot of anxiety. When I have to make all of the decisions and handle a lot of responsibility I get anxious. I'm an adult so, of course, there are a lot of responsibilities to handle. A full on "session" with my very dominant husband takes that away. I sleep through the night. I am happy the next day and feel 100 lbs lighter. It is a huge release for me. We actually have a set evening every week just for this purpose. I know it doesn't really explain why I am this way-its more of just what it does for me. Some people meditate-I get tied up and whipped with a belt. It gives me the same stillness in my mind that I get with a really intense yoga session-but even more intense and long lasting-plus sex is more fun than yoga.

well, that is interesting. i often tell myself "take up meditation. yoga. run. something.", yet my shadow self says that there is release and relief and peace to be found through bdsm. then i think it must be laziness or whatever. yet, here it is in someone else's head.

how many of you who identify as subs find that it is about stress or anxiety release?

while i appreciate, and somewhat envy, the idea of submissiveness as a gift...as a manifestation of trust...it doesn't match my concept of submissiveness. then i read this above and it resonates more. yet, that isn't really submissiveness is it?

grr...does it matter what it is called? (sorry, my head is reeling right now and i want to ask five million things and say five million things. lol.)

 

[CoercedAnon]

i've read this thread through, hoping to help find something that would assist me in articulating what it is i want, or think i want.
now i am more confused.
i read stella's intro and though it helped sort through labelling what i am and what i am not, i can't find anything that will help me get rid or or accept bdsm shadowing me through life.
could i please ask to be directed to a thread about this, or anyone who has successfully found a way to refute OR accept this in themselves to pm me?
i really struggle with what i fantasize about. i am still trying to logic it all away.
thank you again, every single one of you, who weighed in on this thread.

 

[serve4her]

At least for me...

I struggle to truly submit, but there is a part of me that wants to give up control. I get pleasure from making others happy, and this makes me feel good about myself. So serving someone provides pleasure of that type, and once I am truly helpless, the feeling of loss of control is incredibly arousing. While I play with a safe and sane partner and know that there is still an agreement it allows me to surrender all control and responsibility for a moment. I suggest that the thought of truly submitting whether bound or not is a similar release. It absolves you of all responsibility for your actions, you are only doing what is required. I don't know that I could submit that fully, but when restrained I come close. As for why you desire this...there are many possible reasons including one I read several times in this thread. Because its who you are. While I don't personally think there is anything wrong with expressing this in a safe and sane manner with two or more consenting adults, if it is causing you to question your worth and self, you might seek a professional instead of a forum for answers. There may be issues in your past you need to deal with that make you feel this way, and dealing with them could be a wonderful gift to yourself allowing you to enjoy your life (and your sexlife) more and better.

 

[NoJo]

well, that is interesting. i often tell myself "take up meditation. yoga. run. something.", yet my shadow self says that there is release and relief and peace to be found through bdsm. then i think it must be laziness or whatever. yet, here it is in someone else's head.

how many of you who identify as subs find that it is about stress or anxiety release?

while i appreciate, and somewhat envy, the idea of submissiveness as a gift...as a manifestation of trust...it doesn't match my concept of submissiveness. then i read this above and it resonates more. yet, that isn't really submissiveness is it?

grr...does it matter what it is called? (sorry, my head is reeling right now and i want to ask five million things and say five million things. lol.)

I do meditation, yoga, and I run... And yes, it's definitely all about stress relief. I'v e PMed you

It's good that you're seeing the positives in your character. A need to serve, generosity, a willingness to trust, a dislike of violence, these are all positive attributes of submissiveness.

The real problem is when you have to hide stuff from your loved ones, because they wouldn't get it. Or when you take it to extremes.

Take a look at your "bad habits" and try to replace them with good ones. It's up to you to decide whether your fetish counts as a bad habit or not -- I'd say if nobody, including you, is getting their lives messed up by it, then it's okay. It isn't okay in my case, and I have to change things.

 

[Jewdles]

Why am I submissive?

Quite Simple - because I can't not be.

So I just enjoy it with the right partner who understands what I am.

J

 

[cuckolddaddy]

turn over control

I'm not so much sub as I like to be controlled.

Having a high paying high pressure job making decisions worth thousands to millions of dollars daily I do not want to make decisions when I get home. Turn over decisions to my Mistress like what to eat when to eat etc. She rules.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Dominance and submission are natural states that exist apart from struggle and intimidation. Too many come to BDSM wanting struggle and intimidation. In the real world all of us collide with events and people, each exhibiting behaviors that foster leaders and followers. Leaders and followers make the world work. The struggle and intimidation come along where leaders and followers don't exist.

 

[EllieUK97]

Maybe it's a thing to feel wanted, I don't know. All I know is that submission really gets me going. I'd never do it, but the thought of being surrounded by guys, being made to take them in every way possible, maybe with a camera, and being told what an absolute slut I am, that's just my ultimate fantasy! It gets me off every time.

I don't know why being told I'm a slut does it but it just does. Wearing kinky outfits, and seeing guys looking at me, that's more understandable I guess :/ Who knows?

 

[NoJo]

It's probably because you actually are a slut

 

[EllieUK97]

It's probably because you actually are a slut

Don't get me going It's true though aha

 

[NoJo]

Don't get me going It's true though aha

I assume that "aha" was short for "ahahaha"

 

[EllieUK97]

I assume that "aha" was short for "ahahaha"

Yes

 

[seamus221]

Don't get me going It's true though aha

Whats life without a slut around to have fun with?

Answer kinda boring!

 

[draig_OMalley2]

ironic twist

I like to please. It's who I am. It's not necessarily a sexual thing. In my everyday life I'm not a bossy person. I can lead, yes. But I don't enjoy it.

I do have my own things I control. Because they are things my Husband is not good at or doesn't have time for, bills and the kitchen is my domain. Though my Husband cooks most of the time. But these were given to me, as my responsibility.

In the bedroom, it's not that I like being dominated as much as it's I love not having to think. I like not having to worry about what to do, how to move. He tells me what to do so all I get is pleasure. All I do is to please him, which pleases me.

~JJ

I very much understand this sentiment. It ishow I feel when we play. She is in charge, telling me what to do. Ironically, I too am a good leader of others in non-erotic situations, and I too don't enjoy being a leader, but have always found myself placed in leadership roles. Right now, I run a large industrial facility -- if only they knew...

 

[sterculius]

When my best friend Larry and I first began masturbating together, and eventually exchanging hand jobs and blowjobs, there was initially an atmosphere of equivalence and reciprocity about our activities. We were just two friends pleasuring one another. But as it became increasingly obvious from my apparent enthusiasm that I derived as much if not more satisfaction and enjoyment from sucking his cock and swallowing his orgasms than I did when he would do the same to me, Larry became less and less willing to reciprocate when it became his turn to do so, noting that my enthusiasm suggested that my reward was simply being allowed to "service" him. He soon decided that he no longer wanted to suck my cock. I didn't object but continued giving blowjobs to him the same as before whenever we met. This was when the dynamic of our relationship started to change. He began addressing me as "cocksucker" when we were by ourselves and I would answer to my new name and exclusive role. Thankfully, he never called me that in front of anyone else but I was always afraid that one day he would slip. His behavior began to assume a more dominant and aggressive tone. He would talk to me while I was blowing him and tell me how he wanted me to suck his cock. He would ask me how much I liked it and I would I moan and nod my head in response. He began holding onto my head as I was blowing him, forcing his cock deeper into my mouth and holding me down as he came, not releasing me until I had swallowed all his semen. I never told him it was okay to do this, but I never complained when he did, By acquiescing to his dominant behavior I was giving him permission to control me and the truth was that I really liked being treated this way. It was demeaning and humiliating but I liked that too!! I still like it

 

[Nurse_Athena]

I am born to please. I enjoy worshiping my dominant's body at all times. I am actually very dominant outside of the bedroom but when it comes to behind closed doors, I enjoy being of service to him. There is nothing more exciting and intoxicating when you both connect sexually, have the perfect chemistry and aren't afraid to let loose and get freaky and nasty.

I don't have many limits, I am very willing, eager and open minded so there is a lot I am willing to do for him. Oh and to hear 'good girl' being whispered in your ear after a pleasurable and exhausting fuck sesh... makes my pussy drip even more.

 

[GreyWhispers]

I am born to please. I enjoy worshiping my dominant's body at all times. I am actually very dominant outside of the bedroom but when it comes to behind closed doors, I enjoy being of service to him. There is nothing more exciting and intoxicating when you both connect sexually, have the perfect chemistry and aren't afraid to let loose and get freaky and nasty.

I don't have many limits, I am very willing, eager and open minded so there is a lot I am willing to do for him. Oh and to hear 'good girl' being whispered in your ear after a pleasurable and exhausting fuck sesh... makes my pussy drip even more.

Damn !!

 

[bifemchrissy]

i have recently ended my second marriage...first was abusive. The second was sweet but unable to be faithful. In between i met a wonderful woman who helped me through the rough end to the first marriage. We started in just a vanilla relationship but she started introducing a few more things and after many hours of talking...yes talking We decided to explore the D/s route. I knew that she had been Dominant in many relationships and in the place i was in there was no way i could be. After two years of a 24/7 D/s lifestyle...while being a single mom to two under 5 year olds. We ended it but she taught me that i could be submissive without being abused. I believe that i had been submissive my whole life always deferring decisions to others, preferring to be presented with plans rather than making them. She showed me that i can be strong minded, have opinions, be protective of my children and also be content being told what to do. The years of the second marriage were rough, he was too kind hearted to Dominate me, so i had to go against my nature and be a bit more aggressive and assertive in the daily relationship. Now that that is over I have reconnected with a friend of ours (ex-husband and I) and are working on building a D/s relationship. We are going slowly, working at it a bit at a time as i am not used to a male Dominant. Sir is kind, generous and a long distance truck driver so much of our "relationship" is LD at this time Talking about limits, wants desires. Many people wonder why if i was abused do i submit and quite simply when there is trust and honesty a person's true nature is allowed to blossom. I can be submissive to my Sir and still be a strong Mother and Grandmother.

 

[DropBear91]

I am more sub just because of my upringing, i find more security in being controlled and being told what to do, helps my anxiety levels. Plus it gives me the maximum sexual satisfaction when the person is telling me what to do to please them, i love pleasing.