Lesbian scene feedback

[Dingus Guy]

I just wrote my first story since 2006 specifically for my favorite Halloween contest, but because I am typing with 1 arm because of thumb surgery and the NY Mets taking up much writing time, my story did not get in before the deadline. Frankly, I submitted it wrong, but I caught it after the deadline. Anyway, I wrote this Halloween story with no intention of including a lesbian scene, since I have never gone down that route before. Yet here I was making it the only sex scene outside of a little female masturbation. Being a male and only having the experience from watching lesbian scenes on porn or limited love scenes in romantic tales, I knew I was handicapped. In this rationale I thought of keeping the 2 female characters as inexperienced as their author. I kept away from the actual intercourse on purpose because I do not think these ladies would go there the first time.

Basically, I'm looking to get some feedback from ladies with experience to let me know whether I pulled it off or missed completely. It is okay to be completely honest with me. I have another story I wrote a while back that people been asking for more of and I could go in that direction, but only if I truly believe that I can make a believable scene. Thanks for any feedback you might provide. I added the story in my signature below.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I just wrote my first story since 2006 specifically for my favorite Halloween contest, but because I am typing with 1 arm because of thumb surgery and the NY Mets taking up much writing time, my story did not get in before the deadline. Frankly, I submitted it wrong, but I caught it after the deadline. Anyway, I wrote this Halloween story with no intention of including a lesbian scene, since I have never gone down that route before. Yet here I was making it the only sex scene outside of a little female masturbation. Being a male and only having the experience from watching lesbian scenes on porn or limited love scenes in romantic tales, I knew I was handicapped. In this rationale I thought of keeping the 2 female characters as inexperienced as their author. I kept away from the actual intercourse on purpose because I do not think these ladies would go there the first time.

Basically, I'm looking to get some feedback from ladies with experience to let me know whether I pulled it off or missed completely. It is okay to be completely honest with me. I have another story I wrote a while back that people been asking for more of and I could go in that direction, but only if I truly believe that I can make a believable scene. Thanks for any feedback you might provide. I added the story in my signature below.

My sigs are disabled, can you provide a link please.

 

[Dingus Guy]

https://www.literotica.com/s/hypno-ween

 

[Iceprincess12]

Thank you for the link.

An interesting concept for a game, I wasn't sure if it was quest based, multiplayer, fps or something else. I ask because you spend a lot of time talking about the game but just call it interactive.

When you introduce Logan, "she came across the beautiful visage" and I thought she was the lesbian, but then she becomes a he and I realize it's a typo. That threw me a bit.

The question and answering "yes" was too long. I was just as annoyed as she was. I understood you were conditioning her to respond with yes without having to beat it into me with 16 questions...more time could have been spent on how she was feeling.

This is a general comment. I am not a lesbian and have no interest in women but I don't think 18 year old cheerleaders who define perfect, have never had an orgasm, sex or have an education beyond high school would be my type. That is the perfect type for every horror movie monster and the girl who gets killed first. You need to think of your audience. It's not your perfect type, it's the perfect type for your reader. Also it's such a cliche, I didn't bother to read her description. If your readers want perfection, then you have satisfied them, if they want more...give it to them.

You use the word curvy so many times...assume that readers understand the descriptions you have provided and don't repeat them just to fill a sentence. Is there a reason we need to be reminded she is curvy? We already know it, so describe her differently.

She is standing for the picture but then writhing against the chair for her orgasm. Did I miss it when she went back to her desk and sat down?

Here is where you lose me.

"Becky became lost in the fever of her wanton desires."
"she could no longer be satisfied to fall short of her orgasmic pleasure."
"craved the release that had thwarted her in previous efforts"
"Her fingers encircled around the swollen and sensitive clitoris, and like a maestro guiding a symphony, the perfection in the art of her playing drove her deeply into new erotic heights."
"digits"
"break her hymen herself

Please read that and tell me where you have prepared me for this huge change in tone and wording. We have been talking about a gamer girl who doesn't know how to do a striptease. Keep your words consistent with your character. Also no woman is thinking about her digits breaking her hymen when she is having her first orgasm.

Page 2, the perfect verbal assault of just how perfectly amazing these ladies are and how perfectly perfect the amazing curvy b, c, d, e, f...STOP BEATING ME WITH SO MANY ADJECTIVES OF PERFECTION! It isn't needed. You have described them already as perfect and amazing. Again, assume the reader has read that, he or she believes you, remembers it when you reference the character again and find something else to talk about.

This sums up page 2 for me
"Becky's hands found their way back to Laurel's perfect orbs"

So, I tried to get to the sex but the overload of repetitous adjectives was too much. Also the word choices were making my mind implode. What exactly are orbs? The nipples? Full breast? Half a breast? Mouthful...get more women friends and listen to how they speak, what they think, how they comment on other women.

Finally, I wanted to not mention it but as my brain is leaking precious fluid anyway...

"She turned around slowly showing off one amazing ass before wiggling her jeans down."

I don't need to explain that do I?

You may think I hated this but I didn't. I found it easy to read, I was curious about the game and the mind control angle. I liked how you gave a simple, concise explanation of how he overcame getting people to do something they are against. I didn't see the word "cum" anywhere and had hopes that the sex description would be at an adult level, but alas I could not continue. I also think your flow from one paragraph to another was smooth. This was a short story and you didn't do a lot on personality descriptions but I didn't feel distant from the characters. We were not going to be besties any time soon, but a much better job of development than I have read and critiqued in a while.

I really didn't hate it. Your writing is easy to read but for goodness sake get a thesaurus

 

[Dingus Guy]

Thank you very much for the feedback Princess o' Ice. I really appreciate you taken the time to fully breakdown my story. I am sure I was influenced by the Howard Stern sow fir the word, "orbs". I really found that extremely helpful and it will rattle around in my head in all my future tales.

The reason I made the induction so long is that I do hypnosis on the side, and I wanted it to be real in that aspect for one reason. Words can have a subtle affect on the reader if fashioned a certain way. Since it has a large element of real hypnosis in it, the reader can in a small way become the character, get increasingly more focused on the induction and feel what the character feels. This is where the story was headed for me when I decided to go a different direction. I have written some script stories like the Chocoholic one where the reader has a good chance to enter a light trance. I decided to leave the induction elements in rather than rewrite it a different way.

Again, thank you for the deep feedback as well kind words.

 

[Iceprincess12]

Thank you very much for the feedback Princess o' Ice. I really appreciate you taken the time to fully breakdown my story. I am sure I was influenced by the Howard Stern sow fir the word, "orbs". I really found that extremely helpful and it will rattle around in my head in all my future tales.

The reason I made the induction so long is that I do hypnosis on the side, and I wanted it to be real in that aspect for one reason. Words can have a subtle affect on the reader if fashioned a certain way. Since it has a large element of real hypnosis in it, the reader can in a small way become the character, get increasingly more focused on the induction and feel what the character feels. This is where the story was headed for me when I decided to go a different direction. I have written some script stories like the Chocoholic one where the reader has a good chance to enter a light trance. I decided to leave the induction elements in rather than rewrite it a different way.

Again, thank you for the deep feedback as well kind words.

You are very welcome, I enjoyed it!

 

[Dingus Guy]

You are very welcome, I enjoyed it!

That gets another flower.