Living a lie

[RoyceConnors]

So to answer one question I was asked.

I have been married seven years.

Another question I was a virgin when we married an he was a divorcee.

My husband is twelve years older than me and had sown his wild oats.

He used to bee quite wild and had a raunchy sex life in his youth but now is content with pain old plain.

I was raised by pious people never given a chance to explore. I was married at twenty and had only dated two guys before meeting my husband.

I didn't know what I wanted then because I never had the chance to explore my wants.

But deep inside I have always known I liked the idea of wilder sex.

I just pushed it down for my raising.

I have spent seven years doing it his way and asking to try this out that.

He may try it once but won't do it again and most of the time won't even consider my ideas.

In the past I have been like whatever I live him so I need to make him happy.

But what about my happy?

Clearly, he's not who you truly who you should be with and the longer you're together, the worse the situation will become. You had every belief that any sexual pursuits you may want to try would be met, judging by his past exploits he told you of. I would consider counselling with a sex-oriented counsellor who can help you decide if he is worth holding on to, or cutting lose now and going for what you truly want.

Your happiness counts and should be your partner's priority to you from the start. Not just sexually, but as friends more importantly.

 

[subwannabe]

Wow. Your situaion is kind of similar to mine. When I was dating my now wife we both seemed to be quite kinky and she had a much wilder past than mine. I thought I had won the lottery. We got married but over the years while she has aged the wildness in her goes backward every day. Some of the things she has done in the past before me are completely out of the question (threesomes and BJ's while driving) and there are more and more things that we did together that she doesn't do anymore. I never had a chance to get wilder to satisfy some of my fantasies as she gets more and more vanilla every day. It's like she's grown up and matured and responsible women don't do those kinds of things.

 

[MeekMe]

Clearly, he's not who you truly who you should be with and the longer you're together, the worse the situation will become. You had every belief that any sexual pursuits you may want to try would be met, judging by his past exploits he told you of. I would consider counselling with a sex-oriented counsellor who can help you decide if he is worth holding on to, or cutting lose now and going for what you truly want.

Your happiness counts and should be your partner's priority to you from the start. Not just sexually, but as friends more importantly.

This I can agree with.

OP, if you've explained the importance and he still just blows you off (as you've made more clear) then it sounds like he's really not Mr. perfect. If you can't talk to him, come to an agreement on seeking what you want from others, therapy, if none of that works, well... Think about it. You have options, even if they seem scary.

 

[Secretlydark101]

Thanks to all of you for your advice. I truly love this man and wish we could find a common ground with some give and take on each end. I just found out today that he lost his job and moreover I am to be the soul provider for a while. It's a lot in top of everything.
I love him and want us to work but I need this wilder sex life I guess I will just have to put it all side for my marriage.
Same old same old

 

[subwannabe]

Don't know why he lost his job but we already know he has issues at home and now it's possible that he might have issues at work as well. He's looking less and less perfect every day. I really hope you're not so blind that you're seeing a different guy than who is really there.

 

[MisterRe]

The only thing I can say for sure is that your desires are not going to suddenly disappear, either something will change in your relationship or you will find what you need elsewhere. Both you and your husband should realise this and sit down and talk honestly, us men prefer to deal in black and white so my advice would be to be blunt, sit him down and explain in no uncertain terms that he is not fulfilling your womanly needs and you crave some domination in your sex life, tell him that you fuck him just the way he likes and if he cannot start doing the same, however infrequently, you will be forced to find someone who will.. I'm not talking about being unfaithful, I mean an honest conversation that you refuse to deny yourself this need for the rest of your life so would he prefer to grit his teeth and do what it takes to satisfy you or would he prefer you on your knees at another man's feet.

 

[thelaughingcat]

My OH and I have a slightly different issue - we're both kinky but have very little overlap in our particular peccadilloes. It only works because we are both willing to at least entertain each other's desires, and try to fulfil them, even if it doesn't do much for us.

Saying that, no one can tell you what to do. You can have an affair, pay a professional Dom that offers sexual services or try to make it work with your husband.

The only thing that is for certain is that your desires aren't going to go away. If he is your be and end all, then wonderful, you'll have to keep having those tough conversations with him (in an non-aggressive way - no finger pointing or emotional blackmail or he will get defensive faster than you can say Jiminy Cricket!).

What you have to ask yourself is, if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with your life so far? Would you feel you had been fulfilled, happy and complete? Only you can answer that question.

 

[KUJACK]

Buy some rope and handcuffs

Wear stocking and garters,Tell him to tie you up and make you beg. If that dosen't do it, look elsewhere

 

[MrHappy212]

Suggestions

You can search your area either with his permission or secretly.
The question is, how far are you willing to go?



The only thing that would make him afraid of hurting you was if your were a pain slut (forgive me but I know no other term) if he is afraid of spanking you then you can try asking if you can bring someone else in, perhaps another woman, who can fulfill this and let him watch? Maybe he needs spanked himself? Oooo

 

[ADevilishAngel]

Thanks to all of you for your advice. I truly love this man and wish we could find a common ground with some give and take on each end. I just found out today that he lost his job and moreover I am to be the soul provider for a while. It's a lot in top of everything.
I love him and want us to work but I need this wilder sex life I guess I will just have to put it all side for my marriage.
Same old same old

We seem to be in similar situations. The bf & I met here, on Lit, 2 years ago. We dated long distance for a year before I moved cross country. We share many of the same fantasies. However, when I moved it all went to shit, in the sex department. As someone said it seemed he matured and grew out of those fantasies. Except he hasn't. He still has those fantasies and lives them out online. We don't share any of the D/s we shared when we weren't living together. He also says he's afraid to hurt me. Doesn't know how to be the Dom he portrayed when it wasn't physical, because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. Blah blah blah.

Someone asked if it was want or need. For me it is a need. I am submissive and need that aspect of me to be fulfilled.

Someone also said he needs to suck it up and just do it cause it's what you need, regardless of if he is comfortable or likes it. For me this wouldn't work. I would compare it to oral sex. If a woman doesn't enjoy sucking your cock. Or a man doesn't enjoy going down. It shows. It makes it so much less enjoyable. I don't want you to do anything you don't like doing, just cause I like it. If you're not enjoying it, it lessens my enjoyment, and your pleasure is also important to me. My bf has tried, but his heart isn't in it. It comes off as fake. The title Sir is now empty.

I love the man, deeply. I have no plans to separate. We have had many conversations on the topic. Eventually I did make the choice to go outside of my relationship to fulfill my needs. He is aware of it. Doesn't like it, he feels inadequate and it hurts. But he has allowed it. I hate that it hurts him, but... I need it, and this makes me happy. I guess you could call me selfish.

Anyway. I just wanted to share my opinion. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[IrisGardens]

I agree whole heartedly with your advice.

 

[MissShelly]

This was an issue with my husband at first as well.

I bought the toys I wanted him to use on me. We decided together, on a few things to try, we set up a safe word and I assured him I would use it if I needed.

I communicated ruing our first play session. It was a lo t of "topping from the bottom" at first, until he got comfortable with it. But that's what he needed to know for sure he wasn't going to hurt me.

It was (and still is) slow going.. but it's been good. He's finally starting to hit me wit the flogger hard enough and long enough (although I always want more).

The big turning point for him, was when he did start getting as rough as I wanted, he saw how it affected me, how turned on I was, how much I enjoyed sex, and how we were having sex more often because now I'm horney all the damn time.

Honestly, my husband could take it or leave it. but he knows how much I love it, and turning me on, turns him on, so he likes it because I like it.. if that makes sense.

So really.. my only advice is lots of communication before and during, and lots of feedback after.

I am a happily married woman but I have a secret.
My husband is mister perfect but I feel like our sex life is bland.
I told him I like kink and bdsm.

He tries but his inner worry of hurting me keeps holding him back plus its kind of a turn off for him.
I love my husband and have no interest in moving on but I need this part of my life fulfilled.
Vanilla sex just does not get me there and even if I think my way to an organism I still find my self looking at kinky porn to fulfill me a little.

I don't know what to do my husband would not be cool with me finding a sexual partner to fulfill me just for the sex but if I don't get this side of my life fulfilled I feel like I am going to go nuts.
I have done enough talking with him to know he is done with all things kinky and wants me to just drop the subject but I am a very sexual female.

I dream about finding a secret club and joining just to get fucked the way I need but nothing like that exists where I live.

What should I do?

 

[thelaughingcat]

Honestly, my husband could take it or leave it. but he knows how much I love it, and turning me on, turns him on, so he likes it because I like it.. if that makes sense.

Complete sense - there are plenty of things I am more than happy to do for/to/with my OH that do zilch for me, but the satisfaction I derive from his pleasure is a mini high all in itself...I love it!

On a sidenote...some of those things, I have since acquired a taste for due to the association between the pleasure of satisfying him and the act itself. It's quite an interesting dynamic that develops.

 

[HandsThatGuide]

Living a lie... been there, done that, and back there again. The mental gymnastics I have played to justify to absolve my guilt. Is it really a lie when it is my truth? It is someone else's lie, therefore I cannot or should not feel guilty for it.

And yet, I just want to be understood. While at the same time not wanting to lose all that I do truly hold dear.

Is it jealousy that I see others doing and enjoying that which I would like to do and enjoy?
Is it frustration that I have made my choices and I just need to live with them now?
Is it envy?
Is it a mixture of love and hatred?
Is it loneliness because it seems that no one else understands?
Is it the seemingly unquestionable thirst for finding someone that get's it, that appreciates, respects, and seeks the same thing.

If only I could find the other half of the coin to make it(me) whole.