Dismaying repeating pattern with dating.

[human_male]

Hi everyone. I have a relationship question if anyone can help.

When I meet someone new and start going out with them it seems the same thing always happens. Things seem to be going well, then after a while we get to the kissing phase, and almost immediately their interest begins to wane or ceases completely. They seem to enjoy it, but after they don't seem to want to see me anymore.

I'm guessing its me, because its a repeating pattern. So what is it I'm doing... or not doing wrong?

I know there is a ton of pertinent information that you need in order to hazard a guess so feel free to ask questions. And I know there is stuff going on in the women's lives that effects the situation as well. They've all had issues that no doubt played a role. One had been molested when she was younger and had trust issues with men. One was bi polar. This latest one is going through a rough time right now with depression and some other relationship complications. But she always contacts me every few days to let me know how she's going, but I haven't heard anything for a month after we got together. I texted her the next day to say I had a nice time, and to ask if she was ok with what happened. She said she was. I invited her over again but she said no and that was the last I heard from her.

I feel so perplexed my mind has started going to weird places, like maybe I'm cursed, or God is fucking with me. Stupid eh.

Or maybe I just suck and it took kissing me to realise they didn't like me after all.

I'd appreciate any input or advice.

 

[Riles]

Oh brother....it could be a bazillion things, some in your control, others totally out of it.
Maybe you should enlist the help of an open minded friend to help you narrow it down.

 

[suckonsimon]

Hi hm.

First to say that your post itself suggests you are a genuinely open caring articulate guy, and that surely bodes well for you getting into a relationship.

Second to say that this attraction-or-otherwise thing is so fickle and the fact that there has been this run of women who have backed off might be to do with random reasons that you can do nothing at all about and with the next woman it could be totally different not because of anything you do differently but because she is who she is.

Third to say I really do agree with the first reply that this is a question to explore face to face with someone you can really trust, male or female and preferably female.

There are some immediate things which you have I guess checked out already: stuff like body odour and fresh breath - stuff to just check out with a friend.

As to 'the kissing phase' as you put it: Might you have got a bit too energetic? Or might you have held back too much with your inner passion and desire and presented as less exciting than you are inside? Did you go too far with your hands or were you rather stand-off-ish? How do you feel about what you said to the woman about herself when you got to a bit of intimacy like that - would she have felt appreciated? attractive?

Well there's a few things as they occur to me pal. I wish you well.

Simon

 

[Mindfondler]

Hi everyone. I have a relationship question if anyone can help.

I'm not sure that I can offer any practical help, but I'd like to offer you a few words of encouragement.

First, I like the way that you've asked your question. You come across to me as disappointed but open-minded, receptive and not needy. You've already been offered some good advice (see posts above) and I dare say that you'll receive more as yours sounds like a cause worth backing.

Secondly, I empathise with your situation. I often found myself in a similar position whilst dating, but I was pleased eventually to discover that it wasn't due to any issues of hygiene, aroma or appeal -- just my inexperience and lack of confidence about what to do and when.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that this pattern gets broken for you (in a great way!) soon.
.

 

[Misshotndeep]

Hi everyone. I have a relationship question if anyone can help.

Couple of thoughts on this:

1) Your a bad kisser and they just don't have the heart to tell you

2) Your choice in partners is less than ideal. If someone does not have their issues in line they can't hope to grow something with another person. Ask your self why you are picking these kind of women?

3) Something about you is creeping them out. As I don't know you I could not began to express what it is.

Now please take these with a grain of salt as I only know what you typed. These are opinions and suggestions not Bible truths. I wish you well and good luck in your search.

 

[subwannabe]

I actually doubt it is your kissing unless you're trying to stick your tongue down her throat on the first date. It could possibly be your heigene or picking the wrong person. It also might not be anyhting connected to the kissing at all but just the date conversation. They may be giving you a goodbye mercy kiss after already deciding that they don't want to go out again.

 

[Mindfondler]

I know there is a ton of pertinent information that you need in order to hazard a guess so feel free to ask questions.

I'd like to do that, if I may.

When I meet someone new and start going out with them it seems the same thing always happens. Things seem to be going well, then after a while we get to the kissing phase, and almost immediately their interest begins to wane or ceases completely. They seem to enjoy it, but after they don't seem to want to see me anymore.

How many times has this happened as you describe? (and over what timescale?)

Who is initiating the kissing phase? What is the trigger for this?

When does this kissing phase typically start? (i.e. as compared to chatting, hand-holding etc.)

The answers might help to point in a particular direction, or rule out other possibilities.
.

 

[expV]

As Ries pointed, it could be many things.

But, there are few things that I get from your current post and from your profile/posts here on Lit.

1.) Personal aspect:
I don't know how much time you have spent as loner and how you are doing at present but you surely need to socialise more. Where, with whom, how - You need to find the realistic answers. There are no "sauce recipes" ready to cook and on the other hand "there is no secret ingredient!". Its personal level, preference and way about how you be and connect with people. Continuous learning ...

2.) Partner aspect:
As from what you described in your post (3 cases) and as Misshotndeep pointed about about your partners. You need to be clear about whom to fall for and not just anyone. Sure, people do have problems in life but clear state of mind helps.

3.) Situation aspect:
In what situation you and your partner move forward to kissing. Situation and surroundings at that time. And as other posts suggests about hygiene and passion.

May be any one of these or all of these in part creates the situation that you are in now.

Hope this helps. Good Luck!

 

[subwannabe]

I had a spontaneous thought and wondered what it is about you that you think these girls went out with you in the first place? Maybe you can build on that instead of concentrating on why they didn't go out with you again. Maybe nothing is actually wrong with you at all as this can happen in the dating process to anyone.

How are you meeting these women? I noticed you have your picture in your profile here. I'm not so sure that's a good idea. It's probably better that they get to know you first as most all of us can have some superficial prejudices. Sometimes you don't have an instant attraction to someone who could later turn out to be your perfect mate. It's possible that by sharing too much too early, like your picture, might turn some off who might otherwise like you if given the chance. Some may automatically disqualify you and not give you a chance just because they aren't attracted to your picture.

I had a blind date once where we met at a restaurant and before being there long, she told me she was going to the restroom and slipped out the back door and left me sitting there alone waiting for our meals to come. The waitress told me what happened. Now if that isn't a major slap to your ego I don't know what is. Somehow I took it like a man and didn't let it bother me and I convinced myself that it was her problem and not mine. The waitress felt sorry for me and couldn't believe what a jerk that woman was. I didn't let it effect me and went out on more dates and I'm even married now. Since you are in your 40's I would recommend not telling anyone that you don't have much sexual experience and just let things happen. If you are a clumsy oaf during sex and she doesn't want to got out with you again because of it then you can learn from the experience and next time you will have more experience for a retry.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Here's the real answer: No sane female leaves money on the table. Doesn't matter what you got or don't got until the money is gone, then she's gone. A fistfulla cash beats two handfuls of cock every time.

My granddaddy usta say, WHEN THE MONEY GOES OUT THE DOOR SO DOES YOUR OLD LADY.

 

[human_male]

Hello again everyone. Thanks very much for the advice and kind words.

This has happened at least four times, probably five (one gave a reason why she couldn't keep seeing me but I suspect it was the same phenomenon as the others).

It probably doesn't sound like a lot but its 100% of my dating experience. I only started dating about four years ago. I met all of the women in person. Two through Fetlife events, and two through a social group for anxiety sufferers.

Its usually me that initiates the kissing, or its a mutual thing, after we've been out three or four times. This last girl was a friend I met through the anxiety social group. We'd hung out as friends for a couple of months and helped each through some difficult times. We were hanging out in my room after watching a movie. She started talking about sex, some dreams she'd been having and things she liked, and I told her I wanted to kiss her and she said ok. We were at it for two hours, during which time she initiated frenching and took her top off. She definitely seemed to enjoy it. I've had positive feedback about my kissing from two of the others as well.

The next day I texted her to say I had a nice time and hoped she was ok with what happened. She said she was. She wrote a bit more about other things but didn't write as much as usual and she didn't ask me anything about me, which she normally does. And that was that.

I suppose if you look at this example you could write it off as not meant to be but like I said its every time. That's what has me worried.

I know all these women were troubled but I didn't pick them for that reason. I don't have a white knight complex or something. It just happened with them.

My profile is quite old, I haven't been on Lit for a couple of years. I've come a long way since then and I'm always trying to broaden my social horizons and meet people. Its somewhat problematic because I work weekends so I don't get out much. But I intend to really make an effort this summer.

Anyway thanks again everyone. Some of you have offered me some very kind words and I appreciate it.

 

[NippleMuncher]

If you're fishing in a damaged pool, how can you not expect to reel in damaged fish? If you are damaged yourself, how can you not expect to draw towards you anything other than what you are putting out? That is to say, birds of a feather, flock together.

Figure out what you need and don't settle for anything less! Don't rush into a personal relationship just because you are starving for personal attention. Two broken halves do not make a whole, it makes two broken halves vying for attention from a partner incapable of providing what either individual needs.

The sticky part is that being broken, you are attracted to similarly broken individuals. You find a compatibility in your broken-ness, and at first everything may seem great, but it doesn't take long before the illusion fades and you realize what you're with. This is why you have to figure out what you NEED in a partner, no bullshit, no drama, no lipstick on a pig, what do you NEED? Then search for this and only settle for this.

Everybody has a "type" that they are physically attracted to, what you have to discern is whether that type is actually what you want or need. Think of it this way, you may absolutely LOVE Cheerios, but do you want or need Cheerios for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? No, probably not, maybe what you need is to recognize that Cheerios, no matter how tasty they are, are not something that can sustain you, you need food that is more nourishing, more substantial, more satisfying. Finding a partner in life (not necessarily a life partner ) is much the same thing.

Nobody give you a pill, there is no potion, there is no magic spell. What you have is you, look within yourself, figure out what your personal damage is, correct it, then look outside yourself for a suitable partner. To do otherwise will garner you more of what you've been enduring, failed attempts and failed relationships.

 

[expV]

Perfectly said.

 

[human_male]

If you're fishing in a damaged pool, how can you not expect to reel in damaged fish? If you are damaged yourself, how can you not expect to draw towards you anything other than what you are putting out? That is to say, birds of a feather, flock together.

Figure out what you need and don't settle for anything less! Don't rush into a personal relationship just because you are starving for personal attention. Two broken halves do not make a whole, it makes two broken halves vying for attention from a partner incapable of providing what either individual needs.

The sticky part is that being broken, you are attracted to similarly broken individuals. You find a compatibility in your broken-ness, and at first everything may seem great, but it doesn't take long before the illusion fades and you realize what you're with. This is why you have to figure out what you NEED in a partner, no bullshit, no drama, no lipstick on a pig, what do you NEED? Then search for this and only settle for this.

Everybody has a "type" that they are physically attracted to, what you have to discern is whether that type is actually what you want or need. Think of it this way, you may absolutely LOVE Cheerios, but do you want or need Cheerios for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? No, probably not, maybe what you need is to recognize that Cheerios, no matter how tasty they are, are not something that can sustain you, you need food that is more nourishing, more substantial, more satisfying. Finding a partner in life (not necessarily a life partner ) is much the same thing.

Nobody give you a pill, there is no potion, there is no magic spell. What you have is you, look within yourself, figure out what your personal damage is, correct it, then look outside yourself for a suitable partner. To do otherwise will garner you more of what you've been enduring, failed attempts and failed relationships.

You're absolutely right. Thank you for helping me see that.

I'm actually feeling a lot better about the entire thing since writing all this out. Its put it in perspective.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[suckonsimon]

My friend, the further information you've given us reveals your evident gentlemanly and sensual way with a woman you care about. It's a beautiful read. It tells me that very clearly you have the potential for a deeply satisfying relationship. Please do hold to that.

 

[subwannabe]

It's a little late now but ditto what nipple said. I've been thinking a lot lately about my kids growing up and am starting to worry that one of them seems to make friends too much with the riff-raff in their class instead of making friends with the better students. It's early now but I am really starting to worry about how this is going to play out long term. If you hang out with the wrong people you can only expect so much. Maybe your biggest fault and what is wrong with you is that you're settling for the wrong people in the first place. Don't sell yourself short just because you don't have a lot of experience under your belt. I've actually heard many stories where some of the most beautiful women have trouble finding dates because the good guys are too intimidated to ask them out because they feel they probably don't have a chance and these women only get asked out by jerks. I would stay away from relationships through porn type sites if you are actually looking for a quality personal relationship and not a particular sexual fetish (such as BDSM). Become an active member of a church and do group church activities. Many of them actually have singles things going on. Don't just assume that because someone is active in church that they are a goody two shoes and don't have expanded sexual interests outside the "good girl" stereotype.

 

[Learin]

I think there are many turn-offs, but bad tonsil hockey is waaaay down on the list.

I'm assuming you're not that bad a kisser. =)

You're hanging out with women who have been through tough times. Either they're looking for "friends" or they're simply on the look-out for a rebound relationship. Neither of them will help you.

By the time I got to your second post, I had to say they were f-ing depressing. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Finding a right partner is tough. No one is perfect, but try your best to stay away from those who come with a huge baggage. It's not really worth it, TBH.

Good luck.

They've all had issues that no doubt played a role. One had been molested when she was younger and had trust issues with men. One was bi polar. This latest one is going through a rough time right now with depression and some other relationship complications. But she always contacts me every few days to let me know how she's going, but I haven't heard anything for a month after we got together. I texted her the next day to say I had a nice time, and to ask if she was ok with what happened. She said she was. I invited her over again but she said no and that was the last I heard from her.

I feel so perplexed my mind has started going to weird places, like maybe I'm cursed, or God is fucking with me. Stupid eh.

Or maybe I just suck and it took kissing me to realise they didn't like me after all.

I'd appreciate any input or advice.

 

[NippleMuncher]

You're absolutely right. Thank you for helping me see that.

I'm actually feeling a lot better about the entire thing since writing all this out. Its put it in perspective.

Thanks again everyone.

You're welcome. The key to self contemplation is to recognize and own your faults and issues without judgment. Recognize them, then determine if these are things you want to continue hanging onto, do they serve you in some way? Not all "faults" are actual issues to be dealt with, they are simply dominant pieces of your true identity trying to shine through.

Lastly, recognized that we are ALL damaged in some way. Life is a journey of self discovery, to learn who and what you are, to embrace that true self, and to see this in others doing the same thing.

 

[may_I_please]

A couple of things jump out at me that are purely on the surface

You met through fetlife, so what kind of kink? Control spectrum and she has to initiate french kissing doesn't bode well unless you are submissive

A bad kisser in the early stages could be enough to turn me off someone I suppose but that could be easily fixed

Get a FWB, get them to teach you how to kiss properly ..from the soft barely touching sensual to the god I just can't get enough of you full on desperate kissing

Apart from that there's a lot of good advice here, most of which I skimmed ..good luck