New short story around the idea of exhibitionism
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jonyoungau
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anything about exhibitionism is good, keep up the good work
Gorza
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I like it. It's short and direct.
I wonder whether you thought about using first-person narration, seeing as we're pretty much getting things from Nicky's point of view but in the third person. I think first-person narrative can be stronger in erotic fiction, and this story might work better that way.
Did you use a volunteer on the site? If not, I'd recommend doing so in the future. I think I only noticed one spelling mistake ('er' for 'her', which is a simple oversight) and the grammar is good. Paragraphing dialogue could do with a little more thought. You keep to the basic rule of having a new paragraph when a different person speaks. However, I think there are a few points where Joe speaks and Nicky thinks or does something, where a paragraph break between the one person's dialogue and another's non-dialogue would help distinguish things. I think it reads more fluidly, because the reader does not have to disentangle the two.
You use lots of ellipses, and I think that can dampen their effect. When the dialogue isn't really trailing off it just makes it harder to read. Sometimes writing, "I", she paused, "I think", is better than using an ellipsis sometimes.
It might fit better in the Exhibitionism/Voyeurism category, seeing as Nicky is clearly an exhibitionist, which gets more readers than Erotic Couplings.
Don't get me wrong. It's a fine story, and it delivered the goods!
I wonder whether you thought about using first-person narration, seeing as we're pretty much getting things from Nicky's point of view but in the third person. I think first-person narrative can be stronger in erotic fiction, and this story might work better that way.
Did you use a volunteer on the site? If not, I'd recommend doing so in the future. I think I only noticed one spelling mistake ('er' for 'her', which is a simple oversight) and the grammar is good. Paragraphing dialogue could do with a little more thought. You keep to the basic rule of having a new paragraph when a different person speaks. However, I think there are a few points where Joe speaks and Nicky thinks or does something, where a paragraph break between the one person's dialogue and another's non-dialogue would help distinguish things. I think it reads more fluidly, because the reader does not have to disentangle the two.
You use lots of ellipses, and I think that can dampen their effect. When the dialogue isn't really trailing off it just makes it harder to read. Sometimes writing, "I", she paused, "I think", is better than using an ellipsis sometimes.
It might fit better in the Exhibitionism/Voyeurism category, seeing as Nicky is clearly an exhibitionist, which gets more readers than Erotic Couplings.
Don't get me wrong. It's a fine story, and it delivered the goods!
Audrey DA Hottie
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Liked the flow! Keep them coming
zoso682001
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Reads like a winner to me .
MiddleAgedMan
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Good story
I liked it. Very to the point and direct, though not appearing rushed. I'll add to the above comment, there were a few typos, but that's a very minor detail. I have always made a point of either using words or numbers when giving specific amounts, not mixing them, but that might just be me.
And while I think I get why you add ... to indicate pauses, it gets a bit too much in parts of the story. If you use it sparingly the intended pause is more obvious; a semicolon could often do the trick... (See what i did there?)
Apart from all of these minor things, you have what many stories sadly lack: an exciting plot and a way with words. Look forward to seeing what else you give us to read and enjoy.
Keep up the good work!
I liked it. Very to the point and direct, though not appearing rushed. I'll add to the above comment, there were a few typos, but that's a very minor detail. I have always made a point of either using words or numbers when giving specific amounts, not mixing them, but that might just be me.
And while I think I get why you add ... to indicate pauses, it gets a bit too much in parts of the story. If you use it sparingly the intended pause is more obvious; a semicolon could often do the trick... (See what i did there?)
Apart from all of these minor things, you have what many stories sadly lack: an exciting plot and a way with words. Look forward to seeing what else you give us to read and enjoy.
Keep up the good work!
robertreams
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- Jul 17, 2007
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I'd go further. many many grammar, usage,spelling and typos. Always spell out your numbers. You badly need an editor. A good one can help your story flow even better, it stops and starts a bit. A couple of places you got your his and hers mixed.
Get rid of all the "started"s, "began"'s, and qualifiers such as "almost" There is no place for "almost" in porn. It makes your writing weak, as if you are hesitant to say what you mean. Always make your characters bolder than you! All the ellipses have to go! they really male the reading choppy. The proper use of an ellipse is for interrupted speech or skipped passages in quotations. Periods, commas, etc will do nicely. When the action starts, short sentences are more effective than long. In between you need a bit more description. when she exposes her inner labia, for example: Are they pink, red? swollen? emerging from within her like a blood red flower opening its petals to the sunshine of his gaze? that's a bit much but you get the idea.
All and all a good read, but needs editing and tightening,
QUOTE:"The tingle passed up the back of her legs then up her back again and finally that unmistakable fuzz, deep in her brain as all sensation dropped to that two inch square right at the point that her fingers were mercilessly stroking. She came. Her knees locked against her as the juices flowed, trickling briefly out of her down past her asshole and onto the sofa." (this first is not a sentence, but more than that it takes too long to say what you want.)
suggestion:
The tingle raced up the back of her legs and on up her back, buzzed deep in her brain and finally zeroed in where her fingers were mercilessly stroking. She came! Her knees locked, her juices spraying down along her asshole to dampen the sofa beneath. (this is a suggestion, there are any other ways one could write it it is a matter of style and choice, words like "raced" though,are more effective than "passed". Phrase such as: "that two inch square right at the point that. . ." are over explanatory and slow the action.
