Are you born a Dom/Domme? Advice needed!

[CherryDamnation]

Or can it be learned?

I am in a relationship, which I am considering leaving, because our sex drives seem to be highly incompatible. Ending this relationship will be hurtful and messy for a variety of reasons (I do love him dearly), but I'm worried about going deeper into this knowing that we don't quite click in the bedroom. We live together and have been together for three years

I want sex daily, on the couch, against the window, in the car. He leans towards sex once a week or so, in the bed, at the same time (usually on the same day). Our sex is loving, but I really crave that D/s relationship. I want him to want to hurt me, spank me, make me do terribly humiliating things that scare me. He's not into that. I've suggested, but it kind of gets pushed aside. I have good reasons to suspect he's a sub himself, or leans that way, as I've topped him in the bedroom several times with good results.

Has anyone had any experience with this? Am I being a terrible person for ending an otherwise fantastic relationship because the sex is 'meh' and I really want to be someone's depraved sub slut?

P.S. not taking applications for Dom's, but friendly PM's are welcome

 

[Sigmund7]

I'm a take charge guy IRL but have always leaned toward being submissive in the bedroom. My wife is much the same. Sometimes I wish that she was more demanding - maybe she thinks the same of me - but it just isn't us. We have been together a long time and likely nothing is going to change. What you need to do is evaluate the relationship and decide whether is is worth keeping flaws and all. I'd love someone to dominate me on the weekends but five days of a good relationship isn't a bad trade off.

 

[RawHumor]

Your complaint is more common than you probably realize. If you look in the BDSM forum, there are a lot of threads like this.

Unfortunately, I don't believe many people can truly switch in that manner. If there's a seed, it can be cultivated. If there is no seed, then all of the watering won't yield any results.

I do think you should start this thread in the BDSM forum, though. I know many people have been in your shoes and they might be able to help you.

 

[moocha01]

Not so much these days but....

Hub's and I have both tried both over the year's in one way or another, I didn't really realise we were either or had kinks etc until joining lit and finding out the things we have done, apparently have labels, we generally used to do whatever the other liked at the time and do still try to sometimes.
Can you adapt to the situation? Can you share eachother kinks? Is sex the most important thing in a relationship? (That's the question that haunts us all ) A long term relationship has to adapt to survive, just my opinion x

 

[MissJW]

As with nearly all "positions" in life it can be learned. True it comes naturally to some but anyone can learn about a role and practice it until it comes naturally to them. A few examples that come to mind are parenthood, public speaking, salesmanship, leadership, domination and submission.

To an extent, I'd say. It depends on her needs, how far does she wish him to go. "Hurting, spanking and terribly humiliating scary things" don't sound very light and something someone could just "learn" to execute. It could be a real strain on his mental health over time.

One needs to be a sadist (at least to a degree, I consider myself a very mild one) and get sexual gratification from these things to be able to actually pull them through. That or to be submissive enough to act as a service top (like my submissive husband does, when I tell him to do physically dominating things to me). I couldn't ever, ever, ever imagine to humiliate or slap, say, my mam or my best friend but I get off at doing temporary physical and mental damage to my husband - who I happen to love to bits.

So... I suppose one could learn to perform light spanking and light bondage on request, but further than that, into the stuff with darker and humiliating concept, nope. I don't think so.

 

[CherryDamnation]

I'm a take charge guy IRL but have always leaned toward being submissive in the bedroom. My wife is much the same. Sometimes I wish that she was more demanding - maybe she thinks the same of me - but it just isn't us. We have been together a long time and likely nothing is going to change. What you need to do is evaluate the relationship and decide whether is is worth keeping flaws and all. I'd love someone to dominate me on the weekends but five days of a good relationship isn't a bad trade off.

See, maybe I'm being selfish, but I feel like it's important to be sexually compatible with your partner. I'm young (21), time is not yet a factor, and I kind of missed any sort of in-person 'sexual awakening' period. I know that I love being dominated, degraded, all those desperate things, and I feel like I'm going to resent him eventually if I never move forward with that.