Ouch! Where did I go wrong with this story?

[RandyVicar]

Ouch! Where did I go wrong with this (femdom) story?

I submitted the story below the other day, with high hopes. It flopped. It's currently flopping around at 2.5. That has to be something like bottom ten percent of stories on Literotica.

It's not that bad a story. I haven't written fiction in long time, but I write a lot of nonfiction professionally, so I'm a competent writer and editor.

The comments aren't terribly helpful. I did receive some enthusiastic responses from a couple of satisfied readers, but the numbers clearly say they're in the minority. It's a femdom story that builds toward a cuckolding climax, so I know it's not to everyone's taste.

I have no idea why readers hate this story.

Sorry if this sounds defensive, but I'm baffled by the response and would love to hear from some more-experienced members.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-coldest-night-of-the-year

 

[CyranoJ]

Femdom and cuckolding appear to be huge red rage buttons, each in their own right, for a small number of dedicated trolls. Combine them in one story and that probably explains the scoring.

Story isn't my cuppa but it's competent and nicely written. Deserves to be a 4+ at least from what I can see.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I know what you mean AND some writing annoys me enough I throw books in the garbage. Looks like you touched nerves.

In fact, I'm reading a non fiction by a writer I enjoy and respect, and I wanna toss this book in the trash, too.

Here at LIT writers have choices, they can produce wares the mob loves, or they can do different and suffer (much of the time). Stravinsky's RITE OF SPRING ballet is a masterwork yet caused a riot at its premier.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Femdom and cuckolding appear to be huge red rage buttons, each in their own right, for a small number of dedicated trolls. Combine them in one story and that probably explains the scoring.

Story isn't my cuppa but it's competent and nicely written. Deserves to be a 4+ at least from what I can see.

+1 to all of this. That score may well be the result of one or two trolls bombing it repeatedly.

One option is to click the "report this story" button on your own story, and request a vote sweep; that often works to get rid of troll votes, but it can take a while.

Sorry you had such a rough 'welcome' to the site!

 

[visioneer]

I read your story and you didn't go 'wrong.' As has been noted, femdom stories get one-bombed and attract misogynistic comments (which can be deleted). Regarding your writing, your characters feel a little stereotypical, so try making them more complex. That said, you have ability and I hope you persevere with your writing.

 

[RandyVicar]

Thank you!

I'm glad to hear I'm not delusional.

I didn't know it was possible to request a vote sweep. I'll give that a try.

I noticed that stories show up on the New page before they appear on the Category page. I imagine that it got a lot of exposure to readers who were squicked out by it before it had a chance to find its target audience.

I agree the characters are the biggest issue with the story, because of some decisions I made early on. I intentionally avoided exposition in favor of narrative flow. I also made the characters two dimensional so that the reader had an opportunity to project his own situation into them. I think I overdid it and, although the stakes couldn't be higher, I don't think it feels that way.

 

[thelaughingcat]

It's not my cup of tea, power-dynamic wise but it's written well enough. I just switched the genders around in my head as I was reading it (imagination is a fabulous thing, isn't it?), and it worked well for me.

A little more character development would be nice but this looks like a short and dirty story, not an epic novella so I never judge on the same basis.

Let the haters hate, and maybe pick up a literary editor for your next one if you're looking to build on it.

 

[RandyVicar]

Misogyny

I was surprised by the rabid misogyny of some of the comments. As a middle-aged white guy, I don't encounter a lot of that in the wild.

I wound up deleting these comments, which I'd prefer not to do, because they crowded out the constructive criticism.

 

[Carnevil9]

When David Lynch's "Eraserhead" first appeared in the theaters, more than half the audience walked out during the premier. Lynch considered that a triumph. You have to really strongly affect someone to make them walk out of a movie they paid to see.

I suppose you could take the same attitude about your story: you must be doing something right if you are riling folks up!

 

[Bramblethorn]

I was surprised by the rabid misogyny of some of the comments. As a middle-aged white guy, I don't encounter a lot of that in the wild.

I wound up deleting these comments, which I'd prefer not to do, because they crowded out the constructive criticism.

You have every right to do that. I would feel guilty if I deleted a comment simply for being critical, even it was harshly expressed. But you're not obliged to provide a forum for dudes who just want to keep squawking their rage against women, over and over. If you read Loving Wives comments for long, you'll see that it's obviously the same guy with the same rant about cucks and wimps and how a real man shoulda [graphic murder/revenge fantasy here], just using other people's stories as an excuse for chewing the fat.

As far as I'm concerned, no author here owes him a soapbox, and he's welcome to fuck off and post his bile somewhere else. It's not like there's a shortage of forums for tedious MRAs.

 

[blin18]

If you wait until mid month of the month AFTER you post your story, there should be a bomb sweep in preparation for the monthly competition.

 

[RandyVicar]

What's the protocol regarding posting revisions of stories?

Responding to the most common criticism, I've fleshed out the main characters and their relationship, and I think it's a big improvement.

I'm thinking of submitting the revised version (to Fetish this time) with a new (but similar) title and a note explaining that it's a revised version of this story.

Would this be frowned upon?

 

[sr71plt]

What's the protocol regarding posting revisions of stories?

Responding to the most common criticism, I've fleshed out the main characters and their relationship, and I think it's a big improvement.

I'm thinking of submitting the revised version (to Fetish this time) with a new (but similar) title and a note explaining that it's a revised version of this story.

Would this be frowned upon?

Having two versions of it in the file is frowned on, yes, and Laurel won't approve it if she finds out it's being done. As much as you want to change, it might be best to delete the one that's there (resubmit with "Delete" at the end of the title and explain in the Notes box that you are substituting a version with a new title and category) and then submit the new version.

If it were me, though, I'd probably just move on the writing the next one.

 

[blin18]

If you resubmit with *EDIT* in the title, you can supply new category, tags and text. Just leave instructions in the Moderator notes. It won't reappear in the NEW lists, but nor will you get flamed for submitting the same story twice. I have corrected a multitude of submission sins this way.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I was surprised by the rabid misogyny of some of the comments. As a middle-aged white guy, I don't encounter a lot of that in the wild.

I wound up deleting these comments, which I'd prefer not to do, because they crowded out the constructive criticism.

Napoleon said, EVERYONE COMES FROM THE FACTORY FUCKED UP, AND CANT BE FIXED. its true. The best we can do is pretend to be what we're not. I usta advise my patients, DONT TELL ANYONE YOURE HAVING ELVIS' BABY.

 

[RandyVicar]

Thanks everyone for the help and encouragement.

My score is up by a full point, and my vote count is down, so it looks like I got a sweep of my votes as suggested earlier in the thread.

I submitted an edit, as blin18 suggested.

I fleshed out the characters and increased the stakes, based on the advice in this thread and the sane comments on my story. It's much stronger and I hope a lot hotter as a result.

I asked for the story to be moved from BDSM to Fetish, based on some advice in a PM.

I also removed a couple of tags that were probably drawing the attention of the wrong element.

I learned a ton in this process and I'm looking forward to applying it to my next piece. I've got an idea for a story in a less, um, specialized genre.

 

[kingbooruwa]

Also, specially in LW category, there are people who dedicate lot of their time to down vote new stories. I can only imagine how many new writers have been chased away from this ugly tradition; people can be so ugly sometimes.

 

[robertreams]

forgive me if my comments seem cruel. I am not much for pussyfooting around. The sory is pooely witten, full of run-ons (you used "and" 111 times on the first page, mostly to join two sentences together. There are numerous typos and misspellings, a habit that makes your reader feel you don't care enough to present the best work you can.

The worst is that you have no characters in your story, only hollow caricatures. The reader can relate neither to the slave (who does a really shitty job of looking submissive (to the reader), not to the mistress who seems indifferent no matter what happens.

Here's how I read your story: "Well, this happened and then this happenrd and then she rand then I ...ed and.... Next she...ed and ...ed. And my wife ...ed and...ed and I ..."

it reads like a newspaper report on the events of the night of. . . . How is your reader supposed to give a shit what happens when your characters don't care. We need pain and anger and love and hate and passion and other emotions you find lying around. We need sounds and smells and tastes and shades of light and dark. We need to feel the subs utter joy at his abject humiliation, the blessing he has found from his total submission. Most of all we need a lot of material to help us love and/or hate someone anyone, in the story.

 

[robertreams]

forgive me if my comments seem cruel. I am not much for pussyfooting around. The sory is pooely witten, full of run-ons (you used "and" 111 times on the first page, mostly to join two sentences together. There are numerous typos and misspellings, a habit that makes your reader feel you don't care enough to present the best work you can.

The worst is that you have no characters in your story, only hollow caricatures. The reader can relate neither to the slave (who does a really shitty job of looking submissive (to the reader), not to the mistress who seems indifferent no matter what happens.

Here's how I read your story: "Well, this happened and then this happenrd and then she rand then I ...ed and.... Next she...ed and ...ed. And my wife ...ed and...ed and I ..."

it reads like a newspaper report on the events of the night of. . . . How is your reader supposed to give a shit what happens when your characters don't care. We need pain and anger and love and hate and passion and other emotions you find lying around. We need sounds and smells and tastes and shades of light and dark. We need to feel the subs utter joy at his abject humiliation, the blessing he has found from his total submission. Most of all we need a lot of material to help us love and/or hate someone anyone, in the story.

I could write more about your dialog, but I have no idea how subs and doms speak with one another. I can only say you did not convince me that your example is "true to life"

 

[RandyVicar]

Thanks, I guess

Robert:

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not sure if you read the story before or after my edited version was posted last night. In the latest version, the narrator drives for Uber.

Flat characters: Yup. They're flat as pancakes. Partly by design, and partly due to the fact my fiction skills are rusty. Earlier in the thread, I acknowledged this as the biggest issue and said I submitted an edit. The characters are more fully developed now, but I can't say they're deep.

Journalistic vs. emotional style: Maybe. Lit readers seem to like your style more than mine. I can live with that. I made a stylistic choice for this story, and it left some people cold. Having said that, I just re-read page 2 of the story. I'm not sure I could pack any more emotion into the narrative.

Run-on sentences: Huh? Are you sure you read my story?

Pussyfooting: You should re-read the earlier posts in this thread. They all managed to criticize the lame-ass characters in my first story for Lit while making me feel like I was welcome to the community. I can't tell you how motivating that is. I'm glad that yours was not the first feedback I received.

 

[robertreams]

I know I was late with my critique, but I had begun and ended up in the hospital, so i returned when I got back home. Thanks for the interchange. I have experience and training both in journalism and creative writing. Good luck! Two run-ons:
QOUTE: At some point after she'd left home that morning, she'd lost her bra (and) I could see her nipples were hard from the cold. She smoothed her skirt and ran her fingers through her short red hair. QUOTE In each of these cases, one of the clauses should be subordinated to the other.

????Think you might be interested in editing one another?

 

[boomslanger]

I know what you mean AND some writing annoys me enough I throw books in the garbage. Looks like you touched nerves.

In fact, I'm reading a non fiction by a writer I enjoy and respect, and I wanna toss this book in the trash, too.

Here at LIT writers have choices, they can produce wares the mob loves, or they can do different and suffer (much of the time). Stravinsky's RITE OF SPRING ballet is a masterwork yet caused a riot at its premier.

Hey dude, did your friend in that humoungous story you are writing in partnership and you have named the characters in? I forget his name, did he give you a hard time? sorry dude, I was just trying to rhyme a few lines and your name was easier than your writing partner, please forgive me and name one of your cooler sexier character after me? you story will, I assure you be right up there!!
all the best to you dudes,
may your printers not run out of ink/carbon powder and your pen out of refills

Cheers
Boom

 

[RandyVicar]

I know I was late with my critique, but I had begun and ended up in the hospital, so i returned when I got back home. Thanks for the interchange. I have experience and training both in journalism and creative writing. Good luck! Two run-ons:
QOUTE: At some point after she'd left home that morning, she'd lost her bra (and) I could see her nipples were hard from the cold. She smoothed her skirt and ran her fingers through her short red hair. QUOTE In each of these cases, one of the clauses should be subordinated to the other.

????Think you might be interested in editing one another?

Jesus, that first sentence is a fucking train wreck. The "and" should have been a period.

"She smoothed her skirt and ran her fingers through her short red hair" looks good to me. I wouldn't split it and I wouldn't subordinate either clause. She's hastily trying to put herself together, and she's probably doing both of these things at once. Adding a preposition seems like a bad idea to me. "She smoothed her skirt while/as she ran her fingers through her short red hair" sounds like she's a lot more smooth about it than she is.

Thanks for the offer to mutually edit. I barely had time to knock out this story and the one I have in the pipeline.

 

[boomslanger]

I know what you mean AND some writing annoys me enough I throw books in the garbage. Looks like you touched nerves.

In fact, I'm reading a non fiction by a writer I enjoy and respect, and I wanna toss this book in the trash, too.

Here at LIT writers have choices, they can produce wares the mob loves, or they can do different and suffer (much of the time). Stravinsky's RITE OF SPRING ballet is a masterwork yet caused a riot at its premier.

Hey dude, did your friend in that humoungous story you are writing in partnership and you have named the characters in? I forget his name, did he give you a hard time? sorry dude, I was just trying to rhyme a few lines and your name was easier than your writing partner, please forgive me and name one of your cooler sexier character after me? you story will, I assure you be right up there!!
all the best to you dudes,
may your printers not run out of ink/carbon powder and your pen out of refills

Cheers
Boom

 

[boomslanger]

Jesus, that first sentence is a fucking train wreck. The "and" should have been a period.

"She smoothed her skirt and ran her fingers through her short red hair" looks good to me. I wouldn't split it and I wouldn't subordinate either clause. She's hastily trying to put herself together, and she's probably doing both of these things at once. Adding a preposition seems like a bad idea to me. "She smoothed her skirt while/as she ran her fingers through her short red hair" sounds like she's a lot more smooth about it than she is.

Thanks for the offer to mutually edit. I barely had time to knock out this story and the one I have in the pipeline.

Be nice dude if you have any fukkin perception you might notice that the dude is probablynot from an English back ground and is tryin' hard to work with the language, be encouraging remember "if you cant say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all)I am too shitty tired to check you out for correct grammar or care for grammar at all I shall be back tomorrow to check your fukkin smut literary works what a weiner I shall come floatin' in tonight to play with your arsehole with me long bony finger
Bloody lousy bit of work
"smut and grammer?