The Poems They Are A Changing

[Trixareforkids]

I'm not up for a 30 in 30 at the moment, but I've got some pieces that are itching to be edited (and critiqued by those that feel inclined) and other than the 30 in 30 we don't really seem to have a place for edits.

So, now we do

Come one, come all, byo tweaked pieces that you are opening up for feedback. Like the 30 in 30 thread, link to the original or put it in the post so both versions are there for comparison.

 

[Trixareforkids]

.....

 

[greenmountaineer]

Edited:

Here in the attic
of my dusty mind
where the cobbled web
of memories
are all that hold me together
I sift through the remnants
and wonder
what I'll miss most
when they're faded
or gone
which bits
make me
me
and I hope
I never find out


Original:
It's anything but spring like
Here in the attic
Of my dusty mind
Where the cobwebs
Are all that's holding me together
As I sift through the remnants
Of memories
Wondering what I'll miss most later
When it's gone
Which bits
Make me
Me
And hoping
I won't know the difference

I think we're cut from the same poetic cloth, Trix. In many cases, I enjoy editing as much as doing the original.

I liked the revision. I thought it was more concise at the end, and, of course, "anything spring" was included for Harry's challenge but not needed here.

I had mixed feelings about "Here" in the first line. If not there, I don't think the meaning of the line would have been altered. Sometimes, redundancy is used to add emphasis. Perhaps that was your intent. If that's the case I think it works better after a narrative has been established.

In "cobbled web/of memories/are all that..." "are" should be "is" unless you make "web" plural which would be my choice since I like the sound of "are all" in the line.


Both poems left me with the question "Is she referring to the possibility of approaching dementia or a carpe diem perspective about life?" I liked that.

 

[Angeline]

Edited:

Here in the attic
of my dusty mind
where the cobbled web
of memories
are all that hold me together
I sift through the remnants
and wonder
what I'll miss most
when they're faded
or gone
which bits
make me
me
and I hope
I never find out


Original:
It's anything but spring like
Here in the attic
Of my dusty mind
Where the cobwebs
Are all that's holding me together
As I sift through the remnants
Of memories
Wondering what I'll miss most later
When it's gone
Which bits
Make me
Me
And hoping
I won't know the difference

This is an excellent idea. We've had workshop type threads in the past, but they are pretty dusty by now. It's a good time for a new one, methinks.

An I read through your original (did that first), I was noting what I'd change if it were my poem and then found you made some of those changes in your edit. For example, I'd have deleted that first line (as GM pointed out, no longer a need to work that phrase in about spring). You also fixed what I found awkward "are all that's holding..." to "are all that hold...." I'd maybe take out "are all that" (which gets around the subject-verb agreement issue). I'd also lose "the" before "remnants".

IMO punctuation would be good in this poem--sometimes it's good to leave things open, I know, but in this poem it would make it stronger overall. For example, you could add a period after "gone", a question mark after the first "me" (and lose the second one), and lose the "and" before "I hope..." To me, "I hope I never find out"
followed by a period sounds stronger and gives the poem more emphatic ending.

I also thought this was about real or existential fear of losing oneself to dementia. The poem is succinct and clear, which provides an interesting tension with the subject.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Yea feedback! Thank you both.

It is about losing one's self to dementia, both my mother and my mother-in-law live with me and I have third mom/neighbor who is beginning to show signs of Alzheimer's. It's also about regretting choices made or even circumstances (like my sister's) that are beyond our control and the changes that come about as a result. Old or young we can become lost inside our own heads, being very introspective, sometimes I need to kick myself out of there and just embrace what IS.

Ang, I will play with the punctuation, I think you're right about it. Keeping the "the" as I can't read it aloud without saying the "the" lol.

GM, I like the "are all that" as well so I added the proper plural , thanks for catch.

Oops, gotta go, back later.

 

[Trixareforkids]

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