Advice?

[Mae1991]

This is my first post so take it easy on me. (Never thought I'd say that sentence .) anyways I've been married for almost 6 years and at first my hubby and I did ALOT of different things. Swing, 3 somes, lots of different bdsm activites, etc. But since we've had children things have changed.. I want to be a sub but not his :/ I don't like being under his authority and the thought of having a Dom (that's not my hubby) is beyond a turn on.. I want someone experienced that I can trust to not physically hurt me. My hubby would probably try to be a Dom but as I said I don't want him. Lol.. He doesn't know the extent of my interests or the dark places I want to be and I know he wouldn't be ok with most of it.. Anyone have experience with this? How do you handle it? I feel like I'm trapped within myself and get irritated every time he wants to have sex because it's not what I want!

 

[MeekMe]

I would think the simplest solution would be to just have an honest conversation with your husband about it. If you haven't told him you want these things than how would he know? Also, if you've done swinging and threesomes before, he may be receptive to an open relationship. I think you should just talk to him about it and see if there's a chance that you can both be satisfied with the relationship.

 

[IrisAlthea]

This is my first post so take it easy on me. (Never thought I'd say that sentence .) anyways I've been married for almost 6 years and at first my hubby and I did ALOT of different things. Swing, 3 somes, lots of different bdsm activites, etc. But since we've had children things have changed.. I want to be a sub but not his :/ I don't like being under his authority and the thought of having a Dom (that's not my hubby) is beyond a turn on.. I want someone experienced that I can trust to not physically hurt me. My hubby would probably try to be a Dom but as I said I don't want him. Lol.. He doesn't know the extent of my interests or the dark places I want to be and I know he wouldn't be ok with most of it.. Anyone have experience with this? How do you handle it? I feel like I'm trapped within myself and get irritated every time he wants to have sex because it's not what I want!

How long has it been sice you had children?

 

[Mae1991]

I should have been more specific. When we were swinging it was always females. Same with the 3 somes. He would have a massive issue if I told him I was interested in a male . Last time I told him this (2yrs ago) he felt inadequate and I never heard the end of it. He always brought it up so I gave up on it ever happening. But now it seems like the urge is so strong and it's not that he doesn't please me I just want something different.. We started having kids 3 years ago. But I've always been into bdsm to a higher degree than him.

 

[wicked woman]

You still need to talk to him. Find a way to help him understand. Would have helped if the conversation of what's good for the geese is good for the gander was had before adding other women to your relationship occurred, but a bit late for that.

Perhaps sharing how you felt with the other women will help him with his feelings of inadequacy.

 

[kimuk]

Have PM'd you

 

[sarcasticmale]

Just adding.....

I'm going to echo what has already been said...have an adult conversation.

I've been your husband, believe me it's not an easy conversation but it needs to happen especially if your desire is as strong for it as you say it is. For me anyway, it was better to have it in the open than going behind his back or for you just giving it up all together. I promise it will leach into other aspects of your life.

 

[DarkerNeeds]

I can relate with a lot of what you said. We might be a good support for each other. I will PM you.

 

[subwannabe]

If you can't get his approval then your marriage has no chance. You are a fool if you think you can get a dom on the side and still keep your marriage. Might as well own up to it now and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[DVS]

Some of this advice is good and some of it is pretty harsh. I think you know what needs to be done, though. You can't go behind his back to find you a dom. That just won't work. And I do think your husband should understand your desire for another man, if you allowed him to have other women. That's just being fair.

I think you should be honest about it. If you had a version of an open marriage before the kids, there could be some of that atmosphere still available. Maybe he wants the same thing as you do and you can negotiate a deal with him. Maybe find a couple that will fulfill your desires as well as his. Sharing this with him is going to be easier for him to accept than just you going out to find you a dom on your own. Maybe that should be your plan of attack.

 

[Mae1991]

Thanks for all the advice.. I know in my heart I need to tell him but I'm
Not there yet. In due time I guess the chips will fall where they fall. I'm just very confused on my feelings vs the real everyday world. Can I not keep this inside till my kids are older and then explore? Is it worth possibly breaking up my family?? This is eatting me from the inside out! Ive never had this many emotions rolling at once and it's fucking with my head.. Maybe I'll tell him some, see how he reacts and then go from there..

 

[DVS]

Thanks for all the advice.. I know in my heart I need to tell him but I'm
Not there yet. In due time I guess the chips will fall where they fall. I'm just very confused on my feelings vs the real everyday world. Can I not keep this inside till my kids are older and then explore? Is it worth possibly breaking up my family?? This is eatting me from the inside out! Ive never had this many emotions rolling at once and it's fucking with my head.. Maybe I'll tell him some, see how he reacts and then go from there..

It's true, you could wait until your kids are older and more on their own, but I don't know how long that would be. And the older they are, they are more capable of handling divorce, but it's really never a good thing for kids. They get confused and feel guilty that they are the cause and no matter what you tell them, they still believe that.

You might bring up the topic of swinging again to see how he takes it. You could ask him what he thinks about that as well as asking his opinion on how old the kids need to be before that could happen. Just feel him out on some of the basics, and not throw everything out there at once. By the way he reacts, you might find out it's OK to tell him more and you also might find out it's best not to.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Slightly off topic, and my apologies. As your family is involved and you are trying to determine the possible effect on your children, let me say that as a child of a divorced set of parents (they divorced when I was 10). I never, not once thought it was my fault. Decisions like this one are very difficult. You have to do as best you can for your children, but I believe you can do that best when you are happy yourself. Children know when their parents are miserable. My parents didn't do the custody battle thing, they always let us choose to live with whomever we wanted to, perhaps that's why we didn't think it was our fault, because they didn't use us as weapons in a battle. Your children are no doubt your largest responsibility, but you only live once as well. Good luck to you.