Request for feedback on incest story

[8letters]

Cruise Doubledate With My Sister is my latest, a brother-sister incest story. It is nine pages long and has a 4.67 rating. It has three main characters that I think are fully developed. A lot happens in the story, so I think that even though it is long, it isn't repetitive.

To me, it is a controversial story in that almost half of the 25 comments are critical. I asked The Soulful Bard for a critique and the story hit so many of his pet peeves that he didn't enjoy it all and therefore couldn't give me much in the way of feedback beyond the story hit so many of his pet peeves.

I hope that you will take the time to read the story and let me know how I can improve. I feel like my writing has greatly improved since I joined the site due to the helpful feedback I have received on other stories.

 

[Learin]

My 2 cents......

1. First of all, I don't like stories that give a summary before I even start reading it. All the suspense that you can carry with that story is completely destroyed.

Although it's not rare to see such summaries, is there any particular reason behind this?

IMHO, the shock of Thomas' girlfriend running away with someone else should've acted as a nice, decent hook for the readers to continue on with the story. You killed all the suspense out there.


2. Rebecca...acts weird in different parts of the story. She's seemingly in an unhappy relationship with Thomas, even when they're alone together.

And the last part where she comes running back to Thomas just blows me away. It felt weird (I can't think of any better word right now) to see such an outburst of emotions and acceptability of the fact that Thomas just had incestuous sex. I just couldn't digest that fact.

I really think her character needs work, like explaining her actions better. The religion thing is decent, but its not enough to explain all her actions. It came off as if she were high on cocaine when she eloped with her old flame.


3. Your writing needs work. It could have been written better in parts, like the opening para:

"Caitlin!" I called.

My sister noticed me and made her way through the crowded atrium of the cruise ship where I had been waiting for her with my girlfriend. She gave me a nice hug.

"This is Rebecca," I said proudly.

Rebecca and Caitlin hugged.

"Thomas had sent me pictures of you. You're even prettier in person."


That's the best I can do with your words and all that.


That's all that caught my eye, and I thought was worth mentioning. Overall, it was a decent story, slightly longer than I would've liked and needs a lot of work to make it even better, which I believe you can definitely do.



I'm not a pro like Bard or Lien, but I hope this helped you.

Lee.

 

[8letters]

Thanks for the feedback.

1. First of all, I don't like stories that give a summary before I even start reading it. All the suspense that you can carry with that story is completely destroyed.

Although it's not rare to see such summaries, is there any particular reason behind this?

IMHO, the shock of Thomas' girlfriend running away with someone else should've acted as a nice, decent hook for the readers to continue on with the story. You killed all the suspense out there.

Bard raised the same issue.

The summary is:
This is a long, slow story so a quick summary - Thomas and Caitlin are brother and sister and they go on a cruise with their significant others, Rebecca and Jacob. The first part of the story is introducing those four characters and their relationships. Rebecca and Jacob exit stage right together, leaving Thomas and Caitlin crushed. They console each other, sexual tension starts to build and you can guess the rest.

I don’t see much in the way of bean spilling. I see what would be on the back cover of the paperback version. I described the first third of the story in a very vague manner. I don’t think anyone was surprised that a story entitled “Cruise Doubledate With My Sister” in the incest section had a brother and sister having sex while on a cruise. The description of the story (which you didn’t see but most readers did) was “Our dates dump us and we turn to each other for consolation.” I don’t spill much beyond what was in the description.

Why did I put what I did at the start? I wrote the summary primarily for this sentence: The first part of the story is introducing those four characters and their relationships. I wrote the summary for three reasons:
#1 - If the reader isn’t interested in reading about non-incestual relationships, they know to click the back button immediately
#2 - To set expectations that it’s going to be a while before the incest part of the story starts, but that there is a brother-sister relationship in the story
#3 - To hopefully clue the reader in that this isn’t a typical brother-sister incest story

So I was trying to set expectations.

2. Rebecca...acts weird in different parts of the story. She's seemingly in an unhappy relationship with Thomas, even when they're alone together.

And the last part where she comes running back to Thomas just blows me away. It felt weird (I can't think of any better word right now) to see such an outburst of emotions and acceptability of the fact that Thomas just had incestuous sex. I just couldn't digest that fact.

I really think her character needs work, like explaining her actions better. The religion thing is decent, but its not enough to explain all her actions. It came off as if she were high on cocaine when she eloped with her old flame.

Interesting. I had hoped that the section from her point of view would explain her actions well enough. It's typical in the Incest category for people to accept that someone just had incestuous sex.

3. Your writing needs work. It could have been written better in parts, like the opening para:

"Caitlin!" I called.

My sister noticed me and made her way through the crowded atrium of the cruise ship where I had been waiting for her with my girlfriend. She gave me a nice hug.

"This is Rebecca," I said proudly.

Rebecca and Caitlin hugged.

"Thomas had sent me pictures of you. You're even prettier in person."


That's the best I can do with your words and all that.

I'm not seeing much of a change. The original was:
"Caitlin!"

My sister waved to me then made her way through the crowded atrium of the cruise ship to where my girlfriend and I had been waiting for her and her boyfriend. I hugged her.
with the rest being the same.

What is it about my writing that needs work? Not clear enough in places? Too verbose? Too much unnecessary detail? Poor transitions?

Again, thanks for the help.

 

[lovecraft68]

Okay so 9 pages is a little long for me to read during the week, but I book marked it for the weekend.

I do have to post this though....I looked through the comments and if this is not the definitive Irony of trolls I don't know what is

by timlauder
05/15/15
Then/than

WHY CAN'T YOU IDIOTS FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEN AND THAN!!! YOU WRITER, ARE FUCKING STUIPD!!!!!!!!!!!!

That gave me a good laugh.

 

[PennLady]

Why did I put what I did at the start? I wrote the summary primarily for this sentence: The first part of the story is introducing those four characters and their relationships. I wrote the summary for three reasons:
#1 - If the reader isn’t interested in reading about non-incestual relationships, they know to click the back button immediately

Why give a reader a reason to click away? I don't read a lot of incest, but have read some and it seems to me that there are more than a few stories where a sibling (or other relative) joins a non-incestuous relationship. I don't think it would put that many people off, honestly. And seriously, it's like saying, "here's my story, but you might not like it, so..."

#2 - To set expectations that it’s going to be a while before the incest part of the story starts, but that there is a brother-sister relationship in the story

I'd say if a reader sees it's a 9-page story, THAT is what will prompt them to click away, if they're going to. As in all categories, some readers will want to get off quick, some will like a build up. And I have seen this kind of thing done, and I think I've done it myself, but it's not necessary. As for the brother/sister relationship -- well, that's given away in the title.

#3 - To hopefully clue the reader in that this isn’t a typical brother-sister incest story

So I was trying to set expectations.

I'd advise against that. Let people decide for themselves whether they like it or not; people have so many different expectations that setting them is probably impossible.

 

[Learin]

Bard raised the same issue.

The summary is:
This is a long, slow story so a quick summary - Thomas and Caitlin are brother and sister and they go on a cruise with their significant others, Rebecca and Jacob. The first part of the story is introducing those four characters and their relationships. Rebecca and Jacob exit stage right together, leaving Thomas and Caitlin crushed. They console each other, sexual tension starts to build and you can guess the rest.

I don’t see much in the way of bean spilling. I see what would be on the back cover of the paperback version. I described the first third of the story in a very vague manner. I don’t think anyone was surprised that a story entitled “Cruise Doubledate With My Sister” in the incest section had a brother and sister having sex while on a cruise. The description of the story (which you didn’t see but most readers did) was “Our dates dump us and we turn to each other for consolation.” I don’t spill much beyond what was in the description.

Why did I put what I did at the start? I wrote the summary primarily for this sentence: The first part of the story is introducing those four characters and their relationships. I wrote the summary for three reasons:
#1 - If the reader isn’t interested in reading about non-incestual relationships, they know to click the back button immediately
#2 - To set expectations that it’s going to be a while before the incest part of the story starts, but that there is a brother-sister relationship in the story
#3 - To hopefully clue the reader in that this isn’t a typical brother-sister incest story

So I was trying to set expectations.

D'oh....okay, you've put up that up in your description as well.

Look, many things can happen on a cruise story like - brother suddenly finds sister attractive and fucks her behind his GF's back, sister finds bro attractive and does the same thing, bro has conflicted feelings about his sister but he doesn't have sex in this story.......a lot can be done in a story like this.

It's in the Incest Category, so you don't need to repeat this thing in the Author's note. Part of a reader's intrigue lies where is the story going to take her? You killed that intrigue, which is sort of an important thing here because your story is one of the many hundreds here, and if you kill my intrigue, I'm going to hit that back button and look into another story. Like a paid story, I'm not pocket-bound to read your tale. This is perhaps what Bard said to you, for he hammered the same thing into my head while critiquing a piece for me. I cannot stress this thing enough more than I have.

Maybe it's a Loving Wives undercurrent, but if I were an author, I'd really want the readers to have a shock at Rebecca's cheating. It raises the adrenaline, sets heart rates soaring through the roofs and is definitely more than a decent hook.

Unfortunately, you didn't exploit that part.

When Rebecca changes sides in your story, I'm like - "Oh well...". I need a surprise, and a shock to enjoy this thing. Perhaps, I'm letting my own expectations cloud my judgement...but that's what I'm going to say.

Interesting. I had hoped that the section from her point of view would explain her actions well enough. It's typical in the Incest category for people to accept that someone just had incestuous sex.

Uggh....okay, I'm going to say that I don't care what people say or expect from a story. Speaking for myself, when I read a story, I enter the character's shoes and like to see what the world is like from her POV. I do that often, especially while reading a novel, or a story of this size.

Rebecca's a prude right? So, being acquainted with her for this long, I kind of expected her to freak out. In your story, she's like - "Oh, my boyfriend is fucking is sister...ho-hum ho-hum..."

I expected - "YOU FUCKED YOUR SISTER! EEEEKK!"

Again, perhaps some readers may find this type of character mentality highly entertaining, but I gave an opinion that wasn't copy-pasted from someone else's. I said what I felt was right.

I'm not seeing much of a change. The original was:
"Caitlin!"

My sister waved to me then made her way through the crowded atrium of the cruise ship to where my girlfriend and I had been waiting for her and her boyfriend. I hugged her.
with the rest being the same.

What is it about my writing that needs work? Not clear enough in places? Too verbose? Too much unnecessary detail? Poor transitions?

Again, thanks for the help.

Alright, I'm not good at such editing, but you should cut down your sentences and try really hard not to describe each and every action that they're doing.

While reading, part of the image is built up by my imagination, and anything that sticks out is to be filled by you, the author. If you describe everything, and if the style is not something that I like, I'm probably going to get bored at the wordiness.

Phew! Never thought I'd have to explain myself like this. Anyway, glad I could be of help.

 

[8letters]

Why give a reader a reason to click away? I don't read a lot of incest, but have read some and it seems to me that there are more than a few stories where a sibling (or other relative) joins a non-incestuous relationship. I don't think it would put that many people off, honestly. And seriously, it's like saying, "here's my story, but you might not like it, so..."

Part of a reader's intrigue lies where is the story going to take her? You killed that intrigue, which is sort of an important thing here because your story is one of the many hundreds here, and if you kill my intrigue, I'm going to hit that back button and look into another story.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I felt that as I was writing a "non-standard" incest story, I should give the reader a heads up to that fact. Let me tell you about what I was trying to avoid.

I read a story recently in the Incest section with a fairly generic title and the description was something like "A co-worker leads me into debauchery". The story is told by a guy who starts an affair with an older female co-worker who has the office next to him. Interesting characters, hot sex. I'm wondering what the hell is it doing in the incest section. Then there's the twist - the female character is the dominate in a lesbian relationship with another co-worker and she's gotten the submissive's daughter involved in the relationship. She then has the guy get involved in dominating the other co-worker. As domination/submission is not my kink, I bailed on the story with a very bad taste in my mouth.

Again, maybe I'm wrong, but my feeling was that without some sort of heads up as to what was going to happen, many readers would click away because the incest part of the story takes such a long time to even begin. I also believe in pre-selling the story - giving people through the name and description enough of a hook that they'll read my story instead of the hundreds of other stories. The downside to pre-selling is that some of the surprise of the story is given away.

Much to think about. I have in my head a story for the Summer Lovin' contest with a major twist. This has got me thinking of how much of the twist to give away. As it is a part of a contest, I may be better off giving none of the twist away and counting on the fact that it is part of a contest to sell the story.

Thanks again for sharing your prospective.

 

[lovecraft68]

Why give a reader a reason to click away? I don't read a lot of incest, but have read some and it seems to me that there are more than a few stories where a sibling (or other relative) joins a non-incestuous relationship. I don't think it would put that many people off

Not at all in fact it adds to the incest later on.

I have done a lot of stories where a guy has a girlfriend and I've had sex scenes with them, but of course it is incest and something happens and he ends up with mom sis....

And at that point I use the device of the sex seems so much more right with mom and sis! There is so much more passion and love, so much better than it was with so and so....this is how it should be! Society be damned!

Yeah, they eat it up....

Knowing the ins and outs of whatever genre you like to write in really helps, but that comes with a lot of trial and error and "are you kidding" comments....Trust me, I know.

 

[Daniel_Matthews]

This anonymous comment nailed my thoughts:

"We were joined by a family of four"

"We were joined by three families who had school-age children."

"She went into the bathroom and brushed her teeth. She came out and started taking off her clothes. "

Further down the page:

" Rebecca went into the bathroom and brushed her teeth. She came out, came over to the bed and started taking off her clothes."

"Caitlin brushed her teeth and came back."

That whole huge, nonsensical grandfather conversation? One would think you're being paid by the word.

Seriously? You could cut this story in half, get rid of all the irrelevant and repetitive stuff, and nothing would change. We really don't need to hear every time someone brushes his or her teeth.

It was an "okay" story for me. Not going to say anything else that isn't helpful.

 

[robertreams]

You are right it is a long slow story. Almost anyone would stop reading. Instead of an explanation, rewrite the story so it isn't so long and boring. That you need to explain should tell you you need to rewrite it. Here are some suggestions:

(This is a girl who was looking for a good christian relationship but now does a strip tease immediately. I realize Christians are for the most part hypocrites but it seemed to me that jarred a bit.)

Paragraph after paragraph goes on She did this she did that. Very wordy and a lot of uneeded info. We get that Rebecca is a lot shorter than Richard, but why do we need to know everyone's height?

I suggest weeding something like this:

Rebecca (dropped) lowered the shirt (down so that it was) to cover(ing) her tits. (She) Twisting first (to look back at me) so (that) I could see her shirt-covered tits, (then) Rebecca spun (around) to face me. I kept singing the same few bars, (over and over, again as I) stroking my cock in rhythm. She pulled the shirt back and forth in front of her tits, gradually (dropped it down) lowering it so (that) I could see them, then tossed the shirt aside. Her body was thin, (with) her waist (just a little) narrow, (than her chest and hips), but her tits were large, (in proportion to the rest of her. They were) a fine size (for me) to fondle and suck.

I was still hard; the strip tease hadn't been (wasn't) long enough or stimulating enough to cum, but. (It was long enough and stimulating enough that) the stroking my cock had brought me great (gave me a lot of) pleasure.
and:

QUOTE: Rebecca spun around again and put her hands on the counter that a TV was sitting on. She did some big circles with her ass in time to the song. She reached back and slowly slid her shorts down her legs, revealing bright blue cotton French-cut panties. After she had kicked her shorts aside, she looked over her shoulder at me. "Like what you see so far?" (68 words)

Rebecca spun around, hands on a counter, making big circles with her ass. She reached to slide down her shorts, revealing blue French-cut panties. Peering over her shoulder, she said, "like what you see?" (34)

 

[Everyday_Man]

QUOTE: Rebecca spun around again and put her hands on the counter that a TV was sitting on. She did some big circles with her ass in time to the song. She reached back and slowly slid her shorts down her legs, revealing bright blue cotton French-cut panties. After she had kicked her shorts aside, she looked over her shoulder at me. "Like what you see so far?" (68 words)

Rebecca spun around, hands on a counter, making big circles with her ass. She reached to slide down her shorts, revealing blue French-cut panties. Peering over her shoulder, she said, "like what you see?" (34)

There is no reason why you can't have 'bright' and 'cotton' in the sentence Robert wrote, and shortening it seems to always work better, but it doesn't have be tailored like skinny jeans.

 

[sr71plt]

It would be good, and clearer, to render it correctly, though:

. . . revealing bright-blue cotton, French-cut panties.

 

[8letters]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!