Simply Sophie...
- Thread starter iawia
- Start date
lovecraft68
Bad Doggie
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2009
- Posts
- 45,679
Welcome iawia
Before I go further, be aware that your post will be edited. You're not supposed to post more than a couple of paragraphs of a story in this forum. MY suggestion is clean this up a bit and submit it to be published here, probably in the Erotic couplings category
The scene itself is short and to the point. I see it as more of a scene than an actual story, but it wouldn't take a lot of work to flesh it out some more.
Its pretty good except for some awkward phrases like
fiericely fai...not sure what that means
Immense kisser? Maybe that is a UK expression, but it loses me.
Tom was knelt up more now....I think you mean, "Tom slid over closer"
he half smirked...how does one do that? I've been told all I do is smirk and I can't pull off half of one
Aside from that-there are others, but I'm not going to pick at everything-I see a lot of "started and began" those are weak words and you can skip them without losing anything
As he began to finger Sophie....As he fingered her
As he began to finger Sophie...she groaned.
Lose those and you are using a lot of adverbs, some can be effective, but many are extra.... "his surprisingly smooth face" Not necessary, but if you feel you need it
"Sophie was surprised by how smooth his skin was."
Its a decent piece all it needs is polishing, there's some spelling errors, some dropped words and a couple of wrong words(or its the spelling"
Drop the began/starts cut some adverbs and take some time with the awkward word choices and it will be a very nice piece so the good news is this doesn't need much more than some basic cleaning up.
Good first effort
Before I go further, be aware that your post will be edited. You're not supposed to post more than a couple of paragraphs of a story in this forum. MY suggestion is clean this up a bit and submit it to be published here, probably in the Erotic couplings category
The scene itself is short and to the point. I see it as more of a scene than an actual story, but it wouldn't take a lot of work to flesh it out some more.
Its pretty good except for some awkward phrases like
fiericely fai...not sure what that means
Immense kisser? Maybe that is a UK expression, but it loses me.
Tom was knelt up more now....I think you mean, "Tom slid over closer"
he half smirked...how does one do that? I've been told all I do is smirk and I can't pull off half of one
Aside from that-there are others, but I'm not going to pick at everything-I see a lot of "started and began" those are weak words and you can skip them without losing anything
As he began to finger Sophie....As he fingered her
As he began to finger Sophie...she groaned.
Lose those and you are using a lot of adverbs, some can be effective, but many are extra.... "his surprisingly smooth face" Not necessary, but if you feel you need it
"Sophie was surprised by how smooth his skin was."
Its a decent piece all it needs is polishing, there's some spelling errors, some dropped words and a couple of wrong words(or its the spelling"
Drop the began/starts cut some adverbs and take some time with the awkward word choices and it will be a very nice piece so the good news is this doesn't need much more than some basic cleaning up.
Good first effort
lovecraft68
Bad Doggie
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2009
- Posts
- 45,679
You typed all that on a phone?
Goddamn, I can't send a text without screwing it up, you should get points for effort
E
Everyday_Man
Guest
If that was the entire story, it could definitely be expanded into a 'how the met' and 'why they are attracted to each other' and ... 'what made them want to meet' throw in some fear of that first meeting, some sexual conversations before they met .... (being a Lit story) ...
it has potential and as I have been told and learned, REWRITE! ... I'm a one and done kind of guy, but everything is better the 4th time around.
I like it. Keep it up.
it has potential and as I have been told and learned, REWRITE! ... I'm a one and done kind of guy, but everything is better the 4th time around.
I like it. Keep it up.
CWatson
Not in a band.
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 1,653
My first suggestion would be to invest in a Chromebook or something else with an actual keyboard. Writing on a phone is horrible. You can't keep up with your own thoughts.
As to the work itself, from what I remember before it was taken down (which, sadly, is not much): you'll want to expand more. It was, what, 2,000 words long? You could very easily make 5,000 just by elaborating on what is already there. I want to know more about Sophie: about her life, about how she met this dude Tom, and--most particularly--why she feels the need to cheat on her boyfriend. On this site especially, that's not something you can just throw in as a casual detail; cheating is a hot-button issue for many Literoticans, and you'll get tons of people voting you 5 because they like cheating, tons of people voting you 1 because they don't, and only the two or three people here on this thread actually bothering to read the story.
Free opinion, worth what you paid for it.
As to the work itself, from what I remember before it was taken down (which, sadly, is not much): you'll want to expand more. It was, what, 2,000 words long? You could very easily make 5,000 just by elaborating on what is already there. I want to know more about Sophie: about her life, about how she met this dude Tom, and--most particularly--why she feels the need to cheat on her boyfriend. On this site especially, that's not something you can just throw in as a casual detail; cheating is a hot-button issue for many Literoticans, and you'll get tons of people voting you 5 because they like cheating, tons of people voting you 1 because they don't, and only the two or three people here on this thread actually bothering to read the story.
Free opinion, worth what you paid for it.
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