How to be friends with an Ex?

[TheOverlord]

Has anyone had success with this? In a situation just talked to them and a flood of emotion and thoughts came back. not sure if i want to be friends or just get with them one last time.....again......since we DID that already...but it's been years....and still seems fresh.......



or maybe i'll have another drink.....thoughts?

 

[fma20fma]

hi

email is better.

 

[bogusguy]

There is a reason they are an ex.

 

[PrincepsCyberius]

I'm still friends with some of my exes --- ranging from just FaceBook friends with some to one with whom I still get together socially as friends fairly regularly --- there are others with whom this would never happen. It all depends on the personalities involved and the nature of the break up. I don't think there is any set formula for making it happen.

 

[fire_breeze]

Has anyone had success with this? In a situation just talked to them and a flood of emotion and thoughts came back. not sure if i want to be friends or just get with them one last time.....again......since we DID that already...but it's been years....and still seems fresh.......



or maybe i'll have another drink.....thoughts?

I'm friends with an ex-fiancé and I'm friends with several of my exes. There is a reason why I dated them in the first place, and it's usually because I liked them and enjoyed their company. We aren't as close emotionally as before we broke up/began to date and there was a cooling off/healing period before we redefined our relationship, so it does take some time. We aren't like before. We couldn't go back to being just friends because we've had something else and that couldn't be forgotten. So we had redefine our relationship and what it means to be 'friends'. And that takes time and patience and some figuring out.

For me, sex and intimacy is completely off the table and I think that it helps. And to be honest, I had absolutely no desire to be with them intimately. As in, I'm completely cold to the idea.

I guess it depends on the reasons why you broke up with them: was it because the relationship came to its natural end or you were in different places or moving or was it because of some dishonesty? If it's the latter, it may be harder to get over and move forward with them.

That said, there are exes that I refuse to even talk about, so it's not like it's unicorns and rainbows and sparkles .

 

[TheOverlord]

Thanks all....not sure what's going to happen.....not sure what I want......i think that is the problem......just had a flood of memory's and emotions when I contacted her....

 

[TheOverlord]

The good thing about floods is they usually subside very very quickly.

Some alcohol helped too....

 

[Hypoxia]

There is a reason they are an ex.

Quite. I've not seen nor heard from my ex since the no-fault divorce. (We were just totally wrong for each other.). Actually, I did hear one thing. Two decades later, my ex's sister was about to marry another notable F/SF author but my ex insisted I not be invited. So much for moving on...

 

[NightL]

Some alcohol helped too....

helped what, the flood of emotions or the subsidence of your erection?

You don't sound ready for the friendship. When you can be dispassionate about the past is when you can start caring as a friend.

 

[yourm0m]

I would rather eat a bowl of Oprah Winfrey's semi solid fecal matter than see my ex again. There are a few more billion people out there to associate with. Take advantage of that fact.

 

[midwestyankee]

I suppose it matters how you're defining "ex" here. I'm in relatively frequent and amicable contact with a few exes from past relationships.

 

[Conager]

Time. Also it sorta matters whose "fault" it was. Either way time is key.

If it was your fault, too soon and you look like you are either trying to re-kindle, or not respecting the hurt.

If she is the one who left, too soon and it looks needy, and she feels guilty. Helps if you are both in a good place when you make an approach. If it was kind of her fault I wouldn't bring that up, but also don't be too overly nice or she will only feel guilty and push you away.

No different than making friends with a girl you don't know. A little teasing goes a long way.

 

[Harold_Hill]

"Friends with and Ex?" Isn't that an oxymoron? You don't revist a steak you ate do you? When a relationship, (or a steak), turns to shit, it turns to shit!

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm good friends with one of my ex-es (the physical side of things just cooled down, the friendship lasted). There are a couple of others who stayed friends long after the relationship ended; we eventually drifted out of touch but I expect we'd still be happy to catch up if we should bump into one another some day.

A lot of it does depend on the nature of the breakup; "I have to move overseas for college" is a very different situation to the sort of stuff that leaves you feeling betrayed. Polyamory can also change the dynamic; if I'm not expecting a partner to be my One And Only And Everything, there's a bit more room for the relationship to ease off gently instead of a sharp and possibly messy ending.

(OTOH, poly breakups can be plenty messy too.)

I will say, if you're not sure about whether you're really over the relationship, that's asking for trouble.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I have stayed friends with the ones I cared for as friends before and/ or during the relationships.
It was not very easy right after breaking up, but it was worth it and worked in these cases, because I wanted to have those persons in my life and they felt the same.

Some relationships were more about quick infatuation and sexual attraction and when that faded there wasn't really any reason to keep in touch.
I'd gladly talk to these people if I bumped in to them somewhere, but I wouldn't make an effort to keep in touch.

 

[coati]

I have two exes who apparently will never forgive me for the breakup of our relationships, but have another ex who later married my brother and is still on friendly terms with me. Both of the former two were victims of abuse as children.

It takes mutual respect and forgiveness to re-establish a connection with an ex, and I wish I could be in touch with the other two.

 

[fire_breeze]

"Friends with and Ex?" Isn't that an oxymoron? You don't revist a steak you ate do you? When a relationship, (or a steak), turns to shit, it turns to shit!

Not all relationships turn to shit, though.

 

[Bonafide_Blonde]

In my experience, women have an easier time being "just friends" with an ex. We can keep it very platonic and men (at least the ones I know) have wanted to go from lovers to FWB. Not "just friends."

I like all my exes -- but do I keep in regular touch with them all. No.

 

[twister947]

When divorce became inevitable, I swore I would be the best ex the world had ever seen, but she wants nothing to do with me. Her family, otoh, welcomes me into their homes. It takes two...

The bridges have been burned, but I would still be there if she was in a jam.

 

[SassySpitfire]

Now... Why would you really want to?

 

[dizzyegg]

I keep to myself. I like it that way. For one you don't have to worry about Birthdays and Christmas, means no battling crowds just to pick up a flower strewn card with some sentimental nonsense scrawled inside.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Not all relationships turn to shit, though.

That's true, but when a relationship doesn't turn to shit, it didn't end, it just changed.

 

[midwestyankee]

That's true, but when a relationship doesn't turn to shit, it didn't end, it just changed.

True, but if you are no longer in a primary relationship with those past partners, don't you still consider them to be exes?

 

[fire_breeze]

That's true, but when a relationship doesn't turn to shit, it didn't end, it just changed.

No, sometimes a relationship (and I'm assuming you mean romantic) ends because it reached the end of its natural course or circumstances changed. And even if a romantic relationship changes, the romantic/intimate part ends.

And even if a relationship goes a bit sour does not mean it went to shit.

You have your experiences, I have mine. You have your definition, I have mine. Neither yours nor mine is a definitive definition of what it means of 'ending of relationships'.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Jesus Christ! You people make every fucking thing drama. If you wanna get along with your ex treat him or her decently. No games, no bull shit, no petty treacheries. No fucking drama.