a closet sub needing advice

[quiveringpanda]

My bf and i have been together for awhile and are in love. But he is a more vanilla sex person and I am someone who needs to be dominated... Our sex is great but its just fucking and then thats it. I need rough foreplay, teasing, pleasure and pain. How can i talk to him about this? I know not everyone is fit to be a dom but i really want to make it work....

 

[MeekMe]

My bf and i have been together for awhile and are in love. But he is a more vanilla sex person and I am someone who needs to be dominated... Our sex is great but its just fucking and then thats it. I need rough foreplay, teasing, pleasure and pain. How can i talk to him about this? I know not everyone is fit to be a dom but i really want to make it work....

Well, you can start by telling him this is something you like. Here's a link that you could show him, there's some good information for beginners.

Just remember you can't make somebody do something. You can't change them to match your fantasy. All you can do is explain your interest and ask them to explore it with you. If he wants to go further, help him find resources. If he's not interested, weigh your options for getting your needs met.

 

[subwannabe]

If you really want this relationship to work then you have to be honest with him.

 

[LondonUngentleman]

Don't rush him

Be honest with him, but not all in a rush. If he's gentle with you don't suddenly ask him to chew you up. You could introduce little things like talking about film scenes you've found hot. Or flirty bets: something you know he's right about, say he can spank you if you're wrong.

This may not immediately have him tie you up, but you can see his reaction and work towards giving him the confidence to see you love it and he can be a bit tougher with you.

I really hope you both enjoy it. It can be SO much fun!

Stay safe if he does get keen - read up plenty because some things can be dangerous.

 

[quiveringpanda]

Thank you for the advice! He does spank me but its never with punishment just when he feels like it. Ive hinted at enjoying having a master by making him clarify things. If he says i should undress or something, I say are you asking or demanding? He'll say demanding and Ill say yes master. But after that point it just goes to a quick fucking and then it ends. We've argued about it too I tell him I need more foreplay to get going, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I know sex isnt the main thing about being in love with someone, but having passion during the sex we have is important to me and doesnt seem to be for him. And yes ive discussed this with him too.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank you for the advice! He does spank me but its never with punishment just when he feels like it. Ive hinted at enjoying having a master by making him clarify things. If he says i should undress or something, I say are you asking or demanding? He'll say demanding and Ill say yes master. But after that point it just goes to a quick fucking and then it ends. We've argued about it too I tell him I need more foreplay to get going, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I know sex isnt the main thing about being in love with someone, but having passion during the sex we have is important to me and doesnt seem to be for him. And yes ive discussed this with him too.

Here's something that might turn things a bit tipsy turvy...

In my power based relationships, we don't do punishment, and if I get spanked (belted, cropped, etc) it's because either a) I asked nicely or b) he just feels like it.

Kooky, huh?

I get the frustration of mismatched sexual pholosophies. I really do. But the (very common) "he isn't dominating me the way I want him to" thing? When a D-type does X (in this case, spanking), because its what HE WANTS TO DO... In my world, that's dominance.

Now, does that mean you're compatible sexually? That your philosophies o' kink align perfectly? Maybe; maybe not. If the maybe is better than the maybe not... stick it out and keep working on finding middle ground. If the maybe not is bigger than the maybe... Life's too short to stay frustrated.

 

[quiveringpanda]

Well i was just saying that because someone mentioned spankinh for punishment. I love when he does it.

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

Well i was just saying that because someone mentioned spankinh for punishment. I love when he does it.

If you love it when he spanks you it is not punishment. He needs to find something you don't like. That would be punishment.

 

[Dyslexicea]

My bf and i have been together for awhile and are in love. But he is a more vanilla sex person and I am someone who needs to be dominated... Our sex is great but its just fucking and then thats it. I need rough foreplay, teasing, pleasure and pain. How can i talk to him about this? I know not everyone is fit to be a dom but i really want to make it work....

Our you so sure as to what you really want?

It seems to me that you want your sex life to be more about you and your needs than it is now, not a bad thing, as long as your bf gets his needs fulfilled also.

Rough foreplay, at least in my opinion, has little to do with domination. Maybe it's a lesbian thing but in most relationships I've had with other women, including my current with my wife, at times our foreplay was and is very physically intense, rough would be a mild description.

Pleasure and teasing if you're not getting that now, you're just having bad sex, again nothing to do with domination. If you mean by teasing, edging, any good lover should be able to satisfy your need. I love to be edged to the point of begging for release, at times way beyond just begging but so does my wife and it's not really anything to do with our D/s relationship, it's just great sex.

Pain is again something else, my wife, who fits nicely as her role as my Domme, isn't really a sadist but she can fulfill enough of my desires and needs for pain to keep me happy. In our relationship, as far as pain goes, it might be said I top from the bottom.

I think you need to first understand your needs and desire, then decide is this really about your boyfriend being dominant or are you really just wanting him to act as your top. After you decide which it is you'll need to talk to your boyfriend about ways the two of you can fit those into your sexual relationship.

It's just my opinion but I don't think your boyfriend needs to be particularly dominant for you both to enjoy the desires you've listed in your post.

 

[quiveringpanda]

I dont exactly have a pain fetish its more of being demanded and humiliated somewhat. We're trying to find common ground

 

[quiveringpanda]

Yup it didnt work out

 

[Harold_Hill]

Yup it didnt work out

Not every person has it in them to be Dom. Even though they may try, sometimes they just can't. If your boyfriend can't be everything you need him to be, perhaps you should think about finding someone else in the long run. If you were to marry him, would it really be a happy marriage for you?