Unique expressions of submissiveness. ...

[CocksuckingSub81]

I just read something interesting. It said a submissive might take on a dominant role if she thought it would please. That might explain some things with me. That especially a true submissive, if their partner were not a Dom.
And that the form of submission, with pleasing her partner being the ultimate goal, is taking on that dominant role to meets her partner's need for her to be in control. Although it is not what she desires or needs.

I really think that’s what has happened with me in my past relationships. It resonates with me.

I never thought of it before. For some reason this thought feels extremely important to me. My whole life I have made choices and taken paths that would live up to the expectations that people have had of me. Not just sexually, but in all areas of my life. And I’ve thought that it meant I was inherently “dominant”, that my drive to excel, to be the best at everything was the key aspect of my personality. That it was what defined me.

But yet although I have done that, I’ve basically been unhappy my whole life.

Maybe I’m crazy but this feels huge to me....like a big weight has been lifted from me.

Maybe I'm not just submissive sexually? Or maybe being this driven is not my true nature, and will never make keep happy or fulfill me no matter how successful I am.

Looking back I recognize times in my life where I had opportunities and I sabotaged them in one way or another. But was always able to overcome those setbacks. I've thought that u was only submissive sexually but now I'm not sure.

Does this make any sense to anyone? Or does anyone else have possible unexpected expressions of submissiveness?

 

[LallyH]

Some time ago, I read about the idea that submissives are successful managers because their inherent desire to please makes them try harder. So, for example, if there's a deadline, they will stay behind to complete the task in hand whereas others might leave and go home. This extra effort is then recognised and rewarded and they are given promotion, but then ultimately this can lead to dissatisfaction when they have authority and responsibility that they don't particularly enjoy or feel comfortable with.

Does this mean something to you?

 

[CocksuckingSub81]

Somewhat. I guess I've always thought I was doing it for myself. But now I'm really questioning it.

 

[arizona2000]

This is one thing I love about lit - you come across unexpectedly real, serious, introspective threads like this. I hope you find your answers, and wish you luck and happiness with wherever they take you.

 

[desertslave]

The OP's initial description reminds me of a brief time with a past dom. He wanted to explore his more submissive, masochist side and asked me to...assist. I was confused and rather hurt at first, but I gave it a try. I will never, ever be a dominant! The concept of having actual control over someone frightens and rather squicks me. But I was willing to at least give the physical part a try. He told me that he felt that I knew, better than anyone else, how things should feel. (I did try to talk my way out of that part, explaining that I knew how I liked it to feel for me, only.) He talked me into it anyway.

The first time I swung a flogger at him I threw it down in tears. He very nearly begged me to try, so we tried again. Eventually we played with me topping him a handful of times. I never felt comfortable in my own skin about it, but it was clear that he enjoyed it very much. (He now lives as slave to another and is very happy.)

I confided this whole thing to my semi-former Sir on one of his visits. He was a switch. He gave me an excellent piece of advice...to think about my service at just that, service, and to think of it as "bottoming from the top." It sounds damn peculiar, but it did help me to wrap my mind around the whole conundrum. Sometimes the best way to serve is by being in charge of something.

I discovered that I couldn't stand it as a steady diet, at least not without something to balance me out. I felt deeply insecure in my lack of place.

 

[DVS]

We all do things for various reasons. Sometimes I do things for others, because I know it will make them happy. Other times I do things for others, because I enjoy making them happy. I consider myself a dom or top, with my own ideas and goals in a session. Sometimes, I enjoy giving my partner multiple orgasms, because it allows me to feel the power I have over her. But, at the same time, I'm giving her pleasure, so it's a two way street.

Life is full of give and take. We often forget why we do things, because they become habit or routine. I'm sure we would see a deeper reason why we do many things, if we just thought about it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

We all do things for various reasons. Sometimes I do things for others, because I know it will make them happy. Other times I do things for others, because I enjoy making them happy. I consider myself a dom or top, with my own ideas and goals in a session. Sometimes, I enjoy giving my partner multiple orgasms, because it allows me to feel the power I have over her. But, at the same time, I'm giving her pleasure, so it's a two way street.

Life is full of give and take. We often forget why we do things, because they become habit or routine. I'm sure we would see a deeper reason why we do many things, if we just thought about it.

What he said. Also you just have to keep trying things to find out what makes you happy. Have you truly been unhappy most of your life? You are the only one that can make the changes to find happiness. They might be difficult changes but they can be made.

 

[skinnysinner]

Two thoughts. One-a great thread topic that is what Lit can and does through up and where, if people take time and sincere consideration, the pater gets real helpful comments.

Two- it's not an uncommon feeling, though it's not common to admit to it I suspect, so well done. A sub, or more likely a bottom, generally seems to get pleasure from doing as someone else desires. When this works best is when the top desires to please themselves in a way that the sub enjoys too. I am generally top, but I have explored a scenario where I instruct a sub to take control for a period of time and deal with me in a way they think will get me off!

It was very hot, and though she was uncomfortable at first she took delight in getting me off, as well as getting me to do things she thought would test me.

Not repeated, because it needs to feel right, but we both enjoyed it.

 

[Ahlam]

I've topped someone to please before. I didn't feel like I was being Dominant, though. I was being obedient.

In "real life" I think it makes good sense to rise to any occasion and be the person the situation or job requires you to be, independent of sexual preferences. It sort of goes along with being a responsible grownup.

 

[subintraining28]

Thank you for posting this! I've had a similar struggle with my Dom. He has done an amazing job trying to make it easier and ease my mind about it. He always tells me it's just like any of our other role.play type games and reminds me he is still the charge. One thing we do that helps me a lot is after we are done with the role reversal he usually spanks me or something with him in the dominant role to help me mentally. It's something I appreciate about him because for me it's very difficult mentally to go back and forth between roles. Now, I'm fairly new to being a submissive so hopefully in time it will get easier but at the end of the day I'm a submissive through and through. I do the reversal for him because I know he enjoys it and I want to please him and make him happy.

 

[IrisAlthea]

In "real life" I think it makes good sense to rise to any occasion and be the person the situation or job requires you to be, independent of sexual preferences. It sort of goes along with being a responsible grownup.

Yes, this.

 

[DVS]

Thank you for posting this! I've had a similar struggle with my Dom. He has done an amazing job trying to make it easier and ease my mind about it. He always tells me it's just like any of our other role.play type games and reminds me he is still the charge. One thing we do that helps me a lot is after we are done with the role reversal he usually spanks me or something with him in the dominant role to help me mentally. It's something I appreciate about him because for me it's very difficult mentally to go back and forth between roles. Now, I'm fairly new to being a submissive so hopefully in time it will get easier but at the end of the day I'm a submissive through and through. I do the reversal for him because I know he enjoys it and I want to please him and make him happy.

That bolded part of your text is what you should keep in mind during all of this. If you are a submissive, being the dom to your dom can be difficult. But, keep in mind you are doing it because he wants you to and you know it makes him happy. That's the submissive in you coming out.

Interestingly enough, do you think he could be a switch and not know it? Why is he having you dominate him? I've been a dom all of my life and never wanted a submissive to switch roles with me. I'm not saying it could never happen and maybe he just wants a change every now and then, but other than that, he could be enjoying this little switch in roles because he's a switch.

It's not uncommon to be a switch. Most switches have a role they prefer for most of the time and the other is the less preferred. I'm not saying he is a switch, but just bringing that idea up.

From what you seem to be saying, you are NOT a switch, and it's difficult for you to get into that dom role and then go back to being submissive. That's not that uncommon either. Once you get into the mood of one role, it's not easy switching back and forth. It's often necessary to have some kind of trigger that takes you back to the submissive thought process and that spanking seems to work for you.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[subintraining28]

That bolded part of your text is what you should keep in mind during all of this. If you are a submissive, being the dom to your dom can be difficult. But, keep in mind you are doing it because he wants you to and you know it makes him happy. That's the submissive in you coming out.

Interestingly enough, do you think he could be a switch and not know it? Why is he having you dominate him? I've been a dom all of my life and never wanted a submissive to switch roles with me. I'm not saying it could never happen and maybe he just wants a change every now and then, but other than that, he could be enjoying this little switch in roles because he's a switch.

It's not uncommon to be a switch. Most switches have a role they prefer for most of the time and the other is the less preferred. I'm not saying he is a switch, but just bringing that idea up.

From what you seem to be saying, you are NOT a switch, and it's difficult for you to get into that dom role and then go back to being submissive. That's not that uncommon either. Once you get into the mood of one role, it's not easy switching back and forth. It's often necessary to have some kind of trigger that takes you back to the submissive thought process and that spanking seems to work for you.

DVS I do admit at times I wonder if he is. I have asked him and he says no he just enjoys something different from time to time and that he attempted being a sub when he started in the lifestyle.. however he did not enjoy that. Whatever he is I love him dearly and want to please him above all else. While it is difficult for me, I accept him and an grateful we have found a way to help me transition back into my role. Without that, I doubt I could do it.