Dominant and Masochistic?

[Erochic]

Seeing as people only bite here if it's safe, sane and consensual I thought I'd ask about this


I like being dominant. It pushes my buttons in a number of ways.
I really enjoy being in control and teasing, bondage and holding a man down forcefully, and taking what I want... And of course I enjoy the attention and sensations I get, just the way I want it
I don't think I'm into sadism - though perhaps there's a certain amount of sadism in my intense enjoyment in being forceful.

However I really like to be bitten - and I do like to be grabbed and ravished.
That did originally make me doubt that I was "truly" dominant, but I can't be the only one.
I've accommodated it previously by exploring submission.
Now I simply untie my parter after I've had my dominant fun, to turn it into "do me" and "bite me"

So my questions:
Are there any dominants out there who are masochistic?

Is this strange, or fairly common?

How do others satisfy both aspects?Or do you just ignore one?

Also please forgive me if I'm not getting the language right. I've read Stella Omega's essay and I know there's a difference between being dominant and topping ... But it's not always easy to figure out what is what.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't think it's uncommon. I'm surprised no one else has responded yet but I'm sure I've seen this several times before and you are not alone.

 

[LordofBlackbirds]

I don't think it's uncommon. I'm personally Dominant, but I don't have the masochistic traits. However, I think that a lot of people who are dominant once started out as a submissive. In that respect, I wouldn't expect those past desire to just vanish, but to be part of a much larger, and hopefully ever expanding arsenal of personal pleasures. I actually like the idea of someone having both qualities, even though I don't. It shows balance, showing that even though the person has dominant traits, they are able to see life from a submissive point of view as well.

 

[midwestyankee]

I suspect this combination is more common than might seem the case from public posts. I tend to think of myself not so much as a capital-D Dominant but as a kinkster with serious preferences for dominance and sadism. I've also had conversations with others who think of themselves as bottoms with dominant tendencies. It's a pretty wide spectrum we're all on, after all.

 

[Erochic]

I don't think it's uncommon. I'm personally Dominant, but I don't have the masochistic traits. However, I think that a lot of people who are dominant once started out as a submissive. In that respect, I wouldn't expect those past desire to just vanish, but to be part of a much larger, and hopefully ever expanding arsenal of personal pleasures. I actually like the idea of someone having both qualities, even though I don't. It shows balance, showing that even though the person has dominant traits, they are able to see life from a submissive point of view as well.

I've always been on the dominant side - even when I was playing with submission with my ex lover. As he laughingly said to me once "you are never really submissive"
It was very hard for me to let go of control and try to be submissive, rather than just bottoming, but I think it was really valuable to let go of the need to control everything and learn to wait and let things unfold, and I definitely think it added a depth and enjoyment.

And the submissive gentlemen I am currently exploring with started out as dominant - which I realised proves very handy at the right time to be able to top me expertly.

 

[BiBunny]

Yep, way more common than you'd think.

Now, a lot of them won't publicly admit to it, but that doesn't mean it's a rare phenomenon.

The way "the community" divides up roles is weird to me, too. Pretty much everybody who doesn't fit either the "dominant and sadistic" or "submissive and masochistic" roles get shoved into the "switch" category, and a lot of times, that definition doesn't really work for those people. All this stuff is not set along one or even two spectrums (spectra?). I think the scales are more like dominant/not dominant, submissive/not submissive, sadistic/not sadistic, masochistic/not masochistic, and any overlap is coincidental.

Also, I'd say that a lot of people who are into...rough sex? fight sex? combat sex? whatever you want to call it may fit into the dominant + masochistic category, too.

 

[Erochic]

Yep, way more common than you'd think.

Now, a lot of them won't publicly admit to it, but that doesn't mean it's a rare phenomenon.

The way "the community" divides up roles is weird to me, too. Pretty much everybody who doesn't fit either the "dominant and sadistic" or "submissive and masochistic" roles get shoved into the "switch" category, and a lot of times, that definition doesn't really work for those people. All this stuff is not set along one or even two spectrums (spectra?). I think the scales are more like dominant/not dominant, submissive/not submissive, sadistic/not sadistic, masochistic/not masochistic, and any overlap is coincidental.

Also, I'd say that a lot of people who are into...rough sex? fight sex? combat sex? whatever you want to call it may fit into the dominant + masochistic category, too.

Thank you That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah I don't think I'm a switch as such, because submission really doesn't come naturally for me.

However I tend to do pretty well with a partner who could be described as an active pleaser (for want of a better term), and it is probably no accident that I've attracted men like that and have developed very good sexual relationships with them.

Hmmm... Maybe an "active pleaser" could really be a genuine switch. Guys I'm thinking of like that - my ex and one of my current FWBs (subs) - really enjoy bottoming activities, and get off on my pleasure and enjoyment of them and they actively get me to do them as well as joyfully submitting to what I get them to do , but also actively want to be given their head to take the lead and top - which is still all about maximizing my pleasure.

 

[BiBunny]

Thank you That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah I don't think I'm a switch as such, because submission really doesn't come naturally for me.

However I tend to do pretty well with a partner who could be described as an active pleaser (for want of a better term), and it is probably no accident that I've attracted men like that and have developed very good sexual relationships with them.

You're welcome!

It's awesome that you know how to make it work for you, too. Some people can't, and that sucks.

 

[ShyMaleSub]

Thank you That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah I don't think I'm a switch as such, because submission really doesn't come naturally for me.

However I tend to do pretty well with a partner who could be described as an active pleaser (for want of a better term), and it is probably no accident that I've attracted men like that and have developed very good sexual relationships with them.

Hmmm... Maybe an "active pleaser"could really be a genuine switch. Guys I'm thinking of like that - my ex and one of my current FWBs (subs) - really enjoy bottoming activities, and get off on my pleasure and enjoyment of them and they actively get me to do them as well as joyfully submitting to what I get them to do , but also actively want to be given their head to take the lead and top - which is still all about maximizing my pleasure.

"Active Pleaser" here!

 

[Erochic]

"Active Pleaser" here!

I'm glad you like the category I just made it - and feel that it fits you

I can't decide whether these guys are dominant or submissive, because they definitely take charge as well as submitting - but maximizing my pleasure is their goal ... And they delight in my strength and assertiveness, but they also show strength and assertiveness

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yep, way more common than you'd think.

Now, a lot of them won't publicly admit to it, but that doesn't mean it's a rare phenomenon.

The way "the community" divides up roles is weird to me, too. Pretty much everybody who doesn't fit either the "dominant and sadistic" or "submissive and masochistic" roles get shoved into the "switch" category, and a lot of times, that definition doesn't really work for those people. All this stuff is not set along one or even two spectrums (spectra?). I think the scales are more like dominant/not dominant, submissive/not submissive, sadistic/not sadistic, masochistic/not masochistic, and any overlap is coincidental.

Also, I'd say that a lot of people who are into...rough sex? fight sex? combat sex? whatever you want to call it may fit into the dominant + masochistic category, too.

I struggled with the "switch" label for the longest time because I couldn't understand why it kept "scratching" me.
Now I think it's because it still only leaves room for "submissive" and "dominant".
I think you are right about the scales.

Thank you That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah I don't think I'm a switch as such, because submission really doesn't come naturally for me.

However I tend to do pretty well with a partner who could be described as an active pleaser (for want of a better term), and it is probably no accident that I've attracted men like that and have developed very good sexual relationships with them.

Hmmm... Maybe an "active pleaser" could really be a genuine switch. Guys I'm thinking of like that - my ex and one of my current FWBs (subs) - really enjoy bottoming activities, and get off on my pleasure and enjoyment of them and they actively get me to do them as well as joyfully submitting to what I get them to do , but also actively want to be given their head to take the lead and top - which is still all about maximizing my pleasure.

I think "active pleaser" is a great term and I think active/passive is one important scale to consider when trying to put worlds on what it is you want.

 

[Allyourbase]

*raises hand*

Hello, my name is Allyourbase, and when I Dom, I like to receive pain and bottom sexually.

Me and my partner both switch, but Dominating for me is less easy than it is for him. In theory, it pushes a lot of buttons to be the boss, in practice though, I don't like receiving oral, I am not a fan of giving anal, I don't really get off from getting fucked, however good and I enjoy other's peoples orgasms a lot. Then what to do when it's 'all about what I want'? Basically the same as when I sub, actually, online this time I call the shots.

I tell him where to hit me, how hard to fuck me, when to cum or not to cum. It's good, really.

 

[ShyMaleSub]

I'm glad you like the category I just made it - and feel that it fits you

I can't decide whether these guys are dominant or submissive, because they definitely take charge as well as submitting - but maximizing my pleasure is their goal ... And they delight in my strength and assertiveness, but they also show strength and assertiveness

I'm glad you think it fits me. Now, if I can only get more "active".....

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I can not answer 2 of the questions but as to the "is this fairly common" I think it is.

I remember reading a book titled something like the "Blue shield or something" It was about Police and how they reacted to the stress of their job. One day a couple busted a prostitute doing business. The john was a cop friend she had tied up basically spread eagle and switching him... They made a movie on this book. Any way When I was young and untried I wondered how he could do that. Many years later, to many to count, after a life some would call a mans man life I find myself liking to let a Lady be the dominant . I do not think it in any way reduces who I am. In fact I think it makes me a better person. That said, there are always situations in which I will always control my fate or the safety of those whom I protect. I would not think of handing the tiller of my ship to just anyone in a storm.

Love your threads and Mind and know I would enjoy your leadership

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Netzach]

I definitely like being done unto with gusto on the off again on again blue moon, and I don't really see my control ending at that point. This all sounds very doth protest too much, but it's not, I'm just shorter on the "ravish me!" spectrum than most people.

Like Bunny said, it's not really switching in the neat sense of thinking about it.

I guess a submissive mindset sees the ability to stop whatever is happening as a possibly necessary evil that's there to keep you safe, but a dominant mindset sees the ability to stop what's going on as the veto power and ultimately means you're the game master, even with your ass in the air.

I love re-flipping people too at that point, so active pleasers and switches keep up with my program best. With one partner of mine, I'll pretty much do anything he likes, because I also know that I can just stare into his eyes with that special intent and he goes completely docile. More boys should come with an aggro sex robot on-off switch, imo.

Passive sexual partners work much better for me than your average gal, but eventually there IS a point where that itch needs a scratch, once in a while. Usually a longer while than for a lot of people, in my case.

 

[HardCaramel]

I'm glad you like the category I just made it - and feel that it fits you

I can't decide whether these guys are dominant or submissive, because they definitely take charge as well as submitting - but maximizing my pleasure is their goal ... And they delight in my strength and assertiveness, but they also show strength and assertiveness

Well a good sub would be trained on how to please you. So if you enjoy it nice and hard, well he would certainly oblige!

I'd still say they were submissive because you still are in control, decide how far and how rough it gets.

Sort of like having a wild animal as a pet but trained so they don't actually hurt you but still exert their wildness.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Erochic]

Well a good sub would be trained on how to please you. So if you enjoy it nice and hard, well he would certainly oblige!

I'd still say they were submissive because you still are in control, decide how far and how rough it gets.

Sort of like having a wild animal as a pet but trained so they don't actually hurt you but still exert their wildness.

Actually that's exactly how it seems to have worked out.

And I think that's exactly what I like in a sub - I want to know that the wild animal is there... I do love the primal and animalistic.... But I want to be the one controlling it.

I love a submissive man's self control, but I love seeing the animal lust below the control.
And I want it unleashed in all it's wildness when I want it.

 

[TransChick]

This is an interesting thread, thanks. I've always been a pure submissive/masochist, but lately I've started to have some topping fantasies, and it's kind if gotten me curious. But I don't think I actually feel dominant really, it's more like I want to top people to bring pleasure to them, something I've heard called a "service top" before. So the reverse makes total sense to me.

 

[docile_dancer]

I've spoken with a Litster who has been exploring their submission following time as a Dominant. As I started pondering my own feelings about the topic I began the search. This thread screamed at me - and it's FANTASTIC! Definitely worth a look if others find themselves trying to label themselves with the generic assumed roles.

It's definitely given me some food for thought. As I've gotten older, I find myself pondering my personal shift on the D/s continuum. Age and maturity do wonders as far as self-assuredness is concerned, imo. You were either Dominant, submissive, or switch. A decade ago "switch" felt like a dirty word - as much as "bi" was in the LGBT community. Seems like if you weren't at one end or the other, you were literally in no-man's land and dismissed. Surely if you couldn't commit then you couldn't possibly be doing more than fooling around.

Funny how perspectives change. Anybody else out there who finds themselves shifting from time to time? Or perhaps falling outside of the more traditional, generic, common definition of D/s & BDSM?

I say it all the time - nothing is black and white or set in stone. There are no rules.