Grief is such a strange animal

[Noor]

It is predictable and yet unpredictable.

There are so many levels and some many ways it is different from day to day, from moment to moment.

Given the events of this summer I think the Kubler Ross stages of grief were an interesting study in classification but nothing more. What is that word Phelia for studies of classifications?

Anyway last night I was playing around with my phone which has a bunch of stuff loaded on it from B's phone and Dum Transisset Sabbatum was on there as a ringtone, and it had the first few secs on it.

I keep trying to play this piece, I have Byron's cds of it and all but when I start at about 10 seconds in, I lose it. Mainly because that is moment when, within us both, the madness of whatever we were wound up about would stop and we would fall into the music and into the peace of each other. I guess I couldn't handle going there without him.

Last night I got through it, not dried eyed but at least calm enough to hear the music.

Dum Transisset Sabbatum
http://youtu.be/pTLx7aL7dIQ

Next to get through Spem In Alium. I think I will wait a bit.

####

This weekend, I was at a gathering where many of us were wearing black armbands for a mutual friend.
Someone remarked that they weren't sure which arm we should be wearing them on. The person we would have asked was unfortunately the one we were wearing the armbands for...

When Byron died, he was great, we talked about Victorian death rituals, and stuff we would be doing. He said you can always come here when you need to and in the weeks between their deaths I was there a lot. A week before his death during an event when I just kind of lost it for a moment, I didn't say anything, he just said I know and hugged me. He was like that.

He was a shining light, a drama queen of a very different sort, a person you could talk to about almost anything, he was great fun to even go food shopping with, everything was an adventure.

I went to his memorial, wore my tiara, his program is on the white board at the top of my stairs, and I see his smiling face beam out of it. I help to make sure the events he had planned will still happen. His death made me very sad but until today I didn't actually have the space to mourn him.

I think it maybe time for me to switch to purple mourning...

###

So many questions:

How long does one keep phone numbers of the dead in their phones? especially if they are attached to pictures? I realized last night that most of the people on my favorites page are dead.
Also skype?
I am leaving the friends status on facebooks because people still post on their pages.

How do you tell people that you don't want to do something because you would rather be home alone with your memories? I usually just say I am busy.

On the other hand I want to do everything and see everyone because I am only too aware that there maybe no more tomorrows for any of us.
I want to see my parents but I don't want them to see me like this, ill and grieving.

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

How many years did you know him?

 

[Noor]

How many years did you know him?

My friend who died after Byron? At least 10, very well for 4 or 5. The other friend who died a week after Byron I had known for about 30 yrs. I am still kind of numb about him.

 

[Noor]

It was a long six weeks. A casual friend also died when Byron did, it's sad but I am mainly affected by not seeing her places and by my friends who are grieving her, also there are other deaths, siblings of friends whom I have knew for decades, 2014 was a hard year death wise.

 

[TwinkleStars]

I can't think of anything worth typing except.........BIG hugs to you, dear.

 

[Noor]

I can't think of anything worth typing except.........BIG hugs to you, dear.

Thank you! I think I am fine or at least getting that way.
Just a lot to get through and decompress about. I will definitely say that sudden unexpected medical death is a hell of a lot harder to get your mind around in many ways.

 

[Riles]

It's been my experience that only two things can make the shift from one stage to another possible; time or a big inconvenient shove.

It's early for you yet, Noor, so I wouldn't trouble yourself with where you are at in your grief, and certainly don't make a comparison of where someone else is who seems to have had a parallel experience. You seem like the kind of person who is too self aware to get stuck and not seek help. But you also seem to have a network of friends who will give you the shove if they felt you needed it, so all in all, don't fret just now.

...take baby steps

 

[Super-Surprise]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXCPSkn_t4Y

 

[tactful]

I feel it will take time, a lot, of time to tame the animal.

 

[Noor]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXCPSkn_t4Y

Thanks! and yeah,

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

My friend who died after Byron? At least 10, very well for 4 or 5. The other friend who died a week after Byron I had known for about 30 yrs. I am still kind of numb about him.

I've heard that overturning grief is a one to one time process. You'll be all good when you turn 149 unless something else comes up. Until then, embrace it. At least you're feeling something.

 

[Noor]

I've heard that overturning grief is a one to one time process. You'll be all good when you turn 149 unless something else comes up. Until then, embrace it. At least you're feeling something.

That is true, I am feeling something. There have been periods these past 6 months where I wasn't really feeling anything, it was like being behind a semi transparent glass looking in at life and going through the motions of it.

 

[neci]

i went to thumb through my friend's FB profile not too long ago, and it had been deactivated. her history, deleted. i do not want my history deleted. i want it there for stumbles and memories late at night. i miss her. i know i need to call her parents, but there is so much hardness in my heart, that i have not been able to. i talk to her ex and have seen babes that way. so much easier than facing fire.

 

[Noor]

i went to thumb through my friend's FB profile not too long ago, and it had been deactivated. her history, deleted. i do not want my history deleted. i want it there for stumbles and memories late at night. i miss her. i know i need to call her parents, but there is so much hardness in my heart, that i have not been able to. i talk to her ex and have seen babes that way. so much easier than facing fire.

That is strange, the only we can do is memorialize the guys pages because we are not them. Someone must have had her password and stuff to do that.
https://www.facebook.com/help/359046244166395/

You could check the way back machine and see if it's there?

I did copy all B and my messages from fb just incase they removed them but so far it hasn't happened.

 

[Aquagal]

That is true, I am feeling something. There have been periods these past 6 months where I wasn't really feeling anything, it was like being behind a semi transparent glass looking in at life and going through the motions of it.

I call this the "fog".

i went to thumb through my friend's FB profile not too long ago, and it had been deactivated. her history, deleted. i do not want my history deleted. i want it there for stumbles and memories late at night. i miss her. i know i need to call her parents, but there is so much hardness in my heart, that i have not been able to. i talk to her ex and have seen babes that way. so much easier than facing fire.

I very much understand this. My brother disabled my Mom's because it brought him more grief, but for me I felt a loss because her posts were cut out.

 

[Noor]

I call this the "fog".



I very much understand this. My brother disabled my Mom's because it brought him more grief, but for me I felt a loss because her posts were cut out.

This is so sad.

 

[Noor]

I feel it will take time, a lot, of time to tame the animal.

for us all

 

[neci]

That is strange, the only we can do is memorialize the guys pages because we are not them. Someone must have had her password and stuff to do that.
https://www.facebook.com/help/359046244166395/

You could check the way back machine and see if it's there?

I did copy all B and my messages from fb just incase they removed them but so far it hasn't happened.

i took lots of screen shots, before calling myself crazy and stopping.

I call this the "fog".



I very much understand this. My brother disabled my Mom's because it brought him more grief, but for me I felt a loss because her posts were cut out.

i saw her step father one day, buying breakfast.

i saw him and turned away/

 

[Noor]

For me I think in some way I will always be grieving. It is a life long process, though I grieve a child, so maybe it's somewhat different.

Time and distance from the rawness of your emotions, as well as the shock of the event, is the only thing that help the grief feel less raw, less breath taking, and more survivable. It eventually becomes part of who you are, and doable, and you even somewhat cherish those feelings of loss and longing because it's a personal and intimate link to the dead loved one you still have when the other things start to fade.

The pain will most likely always be there, it just becomes much more survivable, Noor.

For now.... one moment at a time.

I am sorry.
Thank you.

 

[Noor]

i took lots of screen shots, before calling myself crazy and stopping.



i saw her step father one day, buying breakfast.

i saw him and turned away/

You weren't crazy. When I talked to the grief counselor after the 4th death, they told me it's normal and that they don't worry about most things unless the person is a danger to themselves or others, or when it lasts at the same intensity for more than 6 months after that it can be considered complicated grief.

Yes, it is a bit weird seeing some people who are connected to them, esp. living life and seeming so unmoved but you can never tell what is going on within someone else.

Hugs

 

[neci]

Hugs

i need a road trip.

 

[Noor]

i need a road trip.

It's bit chilly here, but come on up!
Winter carnival starts soon

I may take a trip down to Chicago at some point.

 

[Killswitch]

I'm removing wallpaper and paneling for the last three days at my parents old home. My dad died five years ago. The grieving stopped dead in it's tracks yesterday.

Dad? What the fuck, man?

 

[Super-Surprise]

i need a road trip.

Are you anywhere near I-15? I would offer to pick you up on my way south for a few weeks in the sun. I saw those eyes rolling when you read this.

 

[bluebell]

GFY, that made me tear up. How sweet.