New story up!

[greygotskills]

It is in the group sex category username greygotskills here is the link http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?url=after-dinner-delights-ch-02-morning-after
I would appreciate any and all feed back either on here or in the comment section at the end of the story or if you would prefer in a private message. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads the story and takes the time to vote, rate and comment.

greygotskills

 

[GoldenCojones]

Good story

The character development in this story was pretty good. You have a good grasp of grammar and you don't have a problem with structure so I'm only going to comment on the story itself. All of this is just my opinion.

I would have preferred to have both chapters in a single story. This is just because it takes me out of the story to have to go back and open a new chapter in the middle. Neither chapter was long enough to prevent you from posting it as a single story and since you posted so close together, you are either a fast writer or already had both chapters written when you posted. Nothing wrong with splitting them but as a reader I would have preferred both together.

Also a "Queen" sized bed is pretty small for three people. My wife and I pretty much fill up our king. A king size bed would be cozy with three in it. A queen would be crowded. Still not a huge problem, except that it detracts from the believability that Arron could be fooled into thinking this was neighbors. They would be so close together I wondered how he could not recognize his girlfriends voice.

That's really all I have. I hope there is something you can use there.

 

[greygotskills]

The character development in this story was pretty good. You have a good grasp of grammar and you don't have a problem with structure so I'm only going to comment on the story itself. All of this is just my opinion.

I would have preferred to have both chapters in a single story. This is just because it takes me out of the story to have to go back and open a new chapter in the middle. Neither chapter was long enough to prevent you from posting it as a single story and since you posted so close together, you are either a fast writer or already had both chapters written when you posted. Nothing wrong with splitting them but as a reader I would have preferred both together.

Also a "Queen" sized bed is pretty small for three people. My wife and I pretty much fill up our king. A king size bed would be cozy with three in it. A queen would be crowded. Still not a huge problem, except that it detracts from the believability that Arron could be fooled into thinking this was neighbors. They would be so close together I wondered how he could not recognize his girlfriends voice.

That's really all I have. I hope there is something you can use there.

The stories were written one after the other but I agree that maybe I should have waited until I had enough material to have written a much longer narrative. I think at some point I would like to combine all the stories into a single volume and release it as an e-book. My posts here are sort of rough drafts and I use reader comments to make adjustments and improvements upon my story.

 

[monoblanco]

I know it's been done before but I do like the premise of your story. You've got a good concept going.

That said, I really think this story (and all the others in the series) would benefit from some editorial help.

As I mentioned in your other thread, you've got some issues with punctuation and usage. Not the end of the world, but it is a distraction and needs to be fixed. I recommend you work with an editor before you post your stories rather than after. But that's just my personal preference. It is, of course, your story.

Something else an editor can help with is the redundancy you've got going on.

In the beginning, you tell us twice within 3 sentences how 'groggy' they are. This is a good opportunity to put your trusty thesaurus to work.

You also tell us two paragraphs in a row how deep Tyrone was in her pussy. Maybe try coming up with a different way to say that.

Having read the prequel, and thus your whole series, another thing that jumped out at me is the behavior of your character Arron.

In the first story, you describe him as arrogant and based on his behavior he doesn't really seem to care all that much about his girlfriend.

But in chapter 2, he's called 6 times and when they finally talk, in the beginning of the conversation he sounds like a worried mother hen. If he were really so arrogant, would he have called once, let alone six times?