My first published story. Need feedback please.

[lurchman007]

My first story, "Thanks, come on over" has just been published.

www.literotica.com/s/thanks-come-on-over

As a first time writer, I would greatly appreciate feedback.

The category for my story is Erotic couplings.

Author name is lurchman007.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My first story, "Thanks, come on over" has just been published.

www.literotica.com/s/thanks-come-on-over

As a first time writer, I would greatly appreciate feedback.

The category for my story is Erotic couplings.

Author name is lurchman007.

I think this story might have done better in Exhibitionist & Voyeur, since that's what it's all about. There's no actual sex, so readers in Erotic Coupling may find it disappointing.

 

[PennLady]

I agree with Bramble; this really is a Voyeur story with some exhibition thrown in at the end.

There were some errors that would have probably been caught if you'd had an editor (I'm guessing you didn't; if you did, well, there were still errors). They were pretty small, and mostly things like "it's" when it should have been "its." For example, it should have been: The migraine ran its course."

The first sentence struck me as odd. He listens to the radio forecast, so his curtains are closed? Wouldn't it make sense that he keeps his curtains closed and that's why he listens to the forecast? And that doesn't seem to have anything to do with needing to keep them closed for migraines. I mean, yes, migraines often make a person light- and sound-sensitive, but the migraines have no connection to the forecast, right?

Also, if you "regularly" get them, that's not good and you probably have something like Imitrex or Demerol to deal with them. So I can buy him wanting quiet and closing the curtains, but it was hard to believe he could sit there quietly and the headache would just go away.

All of that seemed like you were reaching for reasons to keep the curtains closed, anyway. Maybe he just wanted privacy? Seemed to me this point could be accomplished more simply.

And for the last -- if he doesn't know the woman he's spying on, and doesn't live in her building, how does he know what her apartment number is, to know that it isn't the one on the note he gets?

 

[Aidily_Emidan]

Likely, it's going to be a continuing story with some hot coupling. Have patience. I do.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Likely, it's going to be a continuing story with some hot coupling. Have patience. I do.

Yeah, but most likely, the author would've lost a significant amount of readership due to the wrong category. Posting a story in the appropriate category is almost as important as the story itself, if you want to get the most out of the story, that is.

 

[GoldenCojones]

Feedback

A good start. I'm a huge fan of "leave them wanting more," but IMHO you didn't give us enough to really want more. The writing is pretty good. I agree with PennLady that a good editor would probably have helped with the few grammar issues.

As to the story setup; if this is an opening chapter it might work well. As a stand-alone story, there just wasn't enough action, conflict, or plot to feel like a complete story to me.

 

[robertreams]

For the past three years I had been listening to the weather report on the radio before leaving for work, so the curtains in my apartment were always closed. (This sentence does not make sense until about the third reading I think it needs a "because" in there somewhere) I was also a man who suffered regularly with migraine headaches, so I often sat in the dark. when afflicted with one at home (here I don't think you need the "When afflicted with one at home" also maybe it should be added before: so the curtains were always closed" But not with "and".)


One morning, (when) I woke (up) and turned my radio on. I was greeted by silence. My radio was broken, so I went (over) to the window, opening the curtain to see what sort of morning (I was) to look forward to. The sky was clear, so, smiling, I turned (away) (and) (went) to get ready for work. When I was ready, I walked out of the apartment, locked the door and took (went to get in) the elevator (that would carry me) (down the) seventeen floors to the ground where I would exit the building (and) to make my way to work.

Go through your manuscript, cutting out every "and" (there are many of them) See if you can find another way to say it. Most of your "and"s signify run-on sentences. Shorter sentences are better than run-ons, but also in most cases you can subordinate one part of the sentence. e.g. "Where I would exit the building to make my way to work." Also look for superfluous or unintentionally repetitive words such as wake (up) turned (around) (went to get in), (went to get ready for), etc.

The sex is not very hot, low on my peter meter, but I love the classic O'Henry short story ending. Well done with such a slow burn that I had to read it twice before I burst out laughing.

Work on the beginning to get us a zinger to bring us in quicker. heat up the sex with a bit longer stretches and more description (leave out bra sizes, instead describe the breasts, cock, and everything else.

Keep writing, I think you have a knack

 

[Bramblethorn]

The first sentence struck me as odd. He listens to the radio forecast, so his curtains are closed? Wouldn't it make sense that he keeps his curtains closed and that's why he listens to the forecast?

My best guess on this one is that it's intended as "I always listen to the forecast, so I don't bother opening the curtains to see what the weather's going to be like", but it's not clear.

Likely, it's going to be a continuing story with some hot coupling. Have patience. I do.

If that's the case, it's a good idea to let readers know that there's more to come (and soon); given that it ends on a punchline and doesn't have a "Chapter 1", it looked to me like it was intended as a complete story.

 

[PennLady]

My best guess on this one is that it's intended as "I always listen to the forecast, so I don't bother opening the curtains to see what the weather's going to be like", but it's not clear.

No, it's not clear. And if he's keeping them closed b/c he so regularly gets migraines that's fine too, but it should be stated. That first sentence really had me scratching my head to make sense of it, and that's not what you want from your story opening.

To be honest, since I'm not sure the migraines are that important -- they seem more an excuse to keep the curtains closed -- I wonder if perhaps he could keep the curtains closed because the sun is so bright in the morning? Then it would make sense to listen to the forecast, b/c he's not opening the shades due to the sun.

 

[lurchman007]

I think this story might have done better in Exhibitionist & Voyeur, since that's what it's all about. There's no actual sex, so readers in Erotic Coupling may find it disappointing.

With the continuation in mind, I never even considered categorising this first part differently, it makes so much sense. Thanks Bramblethorn. I will have to send a message to admin asking if they could change it.

There were some errors that would have probably been caught if you'd had an editor (I'm guessing you didn't; if you did, well, there were still errors). They were pretty small, and mostly things like "it's" when it should have been "its." For example, it should have been: The migraine ran its course."

The first sentence struck me as odd. He listens to the radio forecast, so his curtains are closed? Wouldn't it make sense that he keeps his curtains closed and that's why he listens to the forecast? And that doesn't seem to have anything to do with needing to keep them closed for migraines. I mean, yes, migraines often make a person light- and sound-sensitive, but the migraines have no connection to the forecast, right?

Also, if you "regularly" get them, that's not good and you probably have something like Imitrex or Demerol to deal with them. So I can buy him wanting quiet and closing the curtains, but it was hard to believe he could sit there quietly and the headache would just go away.

And for the last -- if he doesn't know the woman he's spying on, and doesn't live in her building, how does he know what her apartment number is, to know that it isn't the one on the note he gets?

I will definitely have to watch for these types of errors, I had written this in Word, but have since found what I hope is a good editor.
The curtains and radio made perfect sense to me, but obviously I need to consider others when trying to express a point.

Not an excuse for my story, but I do get migraines that go away without medication. Having said this, my character is not based on me, but his migraines were. These migraines are caused by tension in my neck, and by sitting with my chin resting on my chest, the tension slowly releases, and the migraine goes with it. I am usually left with a slight dull throb in my head which is tolerable. For me to include names of drugs, I will have to do some research on the readers as we are all from different countries. Drugs in different countries have the same scientific name, but not the same marketing name, so I would have to go with the most common based on the location of the common reader.

For the last of Pennlady's comments, when he went to find the apartment number, he could tell from his position in the building that it was not the redheads apartment. That will be made clear in the second part of the story.

Finally I would like to thank all of you for your criticism, it has been really helpful in showing me my weak points. I really hope I will see less in the future, not because I don't want to see your criticism, but because I hope my stories will require less.

 

[lurchman007]

Go through your manuscript, cutting out every "and" (there are many of them) See if you can find another way to say it. Most of your "and"s signify run-on sentences. Shorter sentences are better than run-ons, but also in most cases you can subordinate one part of the sentence. e.g. "Where I would exit the building to make my way to work." Also look for superfluous or unintentionally repetitive words such as wake (up) turned (around) (went to get in), (went to get ready for), etc.

The sex is not very hot, low on my peter meter, but I love the classic O'Henry short story ending. Well done with such a slow burn that I had to read it twice before I burst out laughing.

Work on the beginning to get us a zinger to bring us in quicker. heat up the sex with a bit longer stretches and more description (leave out bra sizes, instead describe the breasts, cock, and everything else.

Keep writing, I think you have a knack

I am going to have to work on descriptions of people, I have never been really good at it, but I am guessing I am going to need to be for these kinds of stories.

I was going for a "build up" with this first part being more erotic than xxx. This story is not intended as a sprint, it is more of a marathon.

I have a short xxx story in mind that you, and many other readers looking for a quick fix, will probably enjoy.

After reading your comments here, I went back to read my story again. You are right, I do tend to over-use the word "and". I will also look into not repeating words where it can be avoided.

Thanks for your confidence in me as well as your constructive criticism. I really appreciate it, I hope my stories will be more satisfactory.

 

[indianproposal]

I enjoyed your story. Regards.

 

[litmlove]

* This story in the Erotic Coupling category: I respectfully decline to vote.
* This story in the Anal category: 0, there is not even a single mention of ass.
* This story in the Fetish category: 0, no fixation on anything other than nudity (I suppose that is a fetish but it is not strange enough to be a Fetish story).
* This story in the Erotic Horror category: 0, it's grounded in a believable reality with nothing suspenseful or supernatural.
* This story in the Romance category: 0, where is the story conflict? At first glance of each other both characters seem to want each other with no reservations.
* This story in the Exhibitionism & Voyeur category: hmm, interesting: 2 or 3 or 4?

Readers expect that you deliver on your promise. In my opinion: in the erotic coupling category I expect erotic teasing and some sexual payoff, in the exhibitionism&voyeur category I expect conscious awareness of the forbidden thrill of revealing themselves to an audience and/or the threat of being socially exposed as a peeping pervert.

So I ask, where is they payoff? I agree with GoldenCojones and say that this story would make decent introduction to a real exhibitionism&voyeur story. Maybe he goes to her apartment and watches her perform, she denies him his sexual contact/release because.

 

[8letters]

How I would start the story

I stood up and went over to the curtains in my apartment to close them. I get migraines from tension in my neck and I had had one when I got home that evening. I had sat in my dark apartment with my chin resting on my chest, the tension had slowly released and the migraine had gone away. I had wished I had closed the curtains when I came in, but I hadn't had the energy.

As I was about to close the curtains when something caught my eye in the apartment building across the street. A woman was lying on the floor in a lit room in front of open curtains. As the building was 75 yards away, I couldn't make her out clearly but she looked to me to be naked. I stood there in shock.

As I watched in amazement, I realized that she was doing a yoga routine. She twisted her body this way and that. The curtains gradually slipped out of my fingers as I stood there dumbly. I grew tired of standing, grabbed a dining room chair, pulled it over to the window and waited patiently. She was a slender redhead and from what I could make out of her face, she looked pretty and in her twenties. She definitely wasn't wearing a top as I could see the small circles of her nipples shift as she slowly moved her upper body from one position into another. My cock got really hard and given its position, uncomfortable. I stood up, readjusted, and sat back down, never taking my eyes off the woman across the street.

After about 30 minutes, she went to the window and grabbed the curtains to close them. I got a brief full frontal view and the unmistakable dark patch at the point where her legs met told me she was naked. The curtains closed, ending the show. I decided then and there that I would have to buy myself a pair of binoculars.

Things I did and why:
* I greatly cut down the introduction. Why the curtain was open is unimportant
* I added the person being surprised at seeing a naked woman across the way. In your story, he doesn't seem very surprised to see a naked, beautiful women doing yoga across the street
* I added some description of her. There's no description of what she looks like in the initial viewing
* I added an ending to the show. In your version, there is no end

I would suggest expanding upon the description of the first workout.

Hope that helps.

 

[PennLady]

I will definitely have to watch for these types of errors, I had written this in Word, but have since found what I hope is a good editor.
The curtains and radio made perfect sense to me, but obviously I need to consider others when trying to express a point.

Sometimes, perhaps many times, there is an element of a story that makes perfect sense to the author and is so natural to them that they forget that the reader won't know that. Sometimes, for me, it's because I've had an idea for so long that when I finally get there in the story, I forget that I haven't put down what the reader may need.

Not an excuse for my story, but I do get migraines that go away without medication. Having said this, my character is not based on me, but his migraines were. These migraines are caused by tension in my neck, and by sitting with my chin resting on my chest, the tension slowly releases, and the migraine goes with it. I am usually left with a slight dull throb in my head which is tolerable. For me to include names of drugs, I will have to do some research on the readers as we are all from different countries. Drugs in different countries have the same scientific name, but not the same marketing name, so I would have to go with the most common based on the location of the common reader.

A couple of things. I do realize everyone's headaches, even migraines, aren't the same. I can get rid of mine with over-the-counter drugs and some caffeine, and same for my husband. However, a friend of my parents has had them for ages and is prescribed Demerol injections.

Next -- don't get bogged down in this detail. You do not need to do all this research. If you want the guy to take medicine, just have him say, "I took my headache meds" or something like that. Even to me, the medicine he takes, if he takes any, is irrelevant. And like I said, I've even wondered how relevant the migraines are, but that's up to you. If the medicine is important to the plot, then sure, pick one and name it. Otherwise, no need that I can see.

For the last of Pennlady's comments, when he went to find the apartment number, he could tell from his position in the building that it was not the redheads apartment. That will be made clear in the second part of the story.

That's fine, but it doesn't help me in this part of the story, which is all I have to go on right now.

 

[lurchman007]

I have read books, where after putting it down at the end of the first chapter because I have things to do and not caring whether I come back to it or not, and I have read books where I either don't want to put it down, or I just have to come back to it when I have done my chores, simply because i have to know what is going to happen next, or I have to find out the reason for something.

My point is, there is no point in being satisfied at the end of the first chapter. That could cause a person to not be bothered with reading the rest of the story.

 

[lurchman007]

* This story in the Erotic Coupling category: I respectfully decline to vote.
* This story in the Anal category: 0, there is not even a single mention of ass.
* This story in the Fetish category: 0, no fixation on anything other than nudity (I suppose that is a fetish but it is not strange enough to be a Fetish story).
* This story in the Erotic Horror category: 0, it's grounded in a believable reality with nothing suspenseful or supernatural.
* This story in the Romance category: 0, where is the story conflict? At first glance of each other both characters seem to want each other with no reservations.
* This story in the Exhibitionism & Voyeur category: hmm, interesting: 2 or 3 or 4?

Ok, not sure exactly what all this is about.

Readers expect that you deliver on your promise. In my opinion: in the erotic coupling category I expect erotic teasing and some sexual payoff, in the exhibitionism&voyeur category I expect conscious awareness of the forbidden thrill of revealing themselves to an audience and/or the threat of being socially exposed as a peeping pervert.

So I ask, where is they payoff? I agree with GoldenCojones and say that this story would make decent introduction to a real exhibitionism&voyeur story. Maybe he goes to her apartment and watches her perform, she denies him his sexual contact/release because.

It was mentioned (by myself) in a previous post that I agreed to the comment about the story being in the wrong category.

 

[lurchman007]

Things I did and why:
* I greatly cut down the introduction. Why the curtain was open is unimportant
* I added the person being surprised at seeing a naked woman across the way. In your story, he doesn't seem very surprised to see a naked, beautiful women doing yoga across the street
* I added some description of her. There's no description of what she looks like in the initial viewing
* I added an ending to the show. In your version, there is no end

I would suggest expanding upon the description of the first workout.

Hope that helps.

The story has been written and published, there will be no changes made, except the category in which it has been placed, as mentioned in a previous comment.

I started this thread to ask for constructive criticism which would help me with future stories.

I have read many books, in which there is always quite a bit that is unimportant to the story, but makes for interesting reading. These unimportant bits give a better insight to either the character, the situation or the setting, making it seem a bit more real.

I am not the type of person to create a 750 word jack-off story. I want to create a story that will bring the reader into the world that I have created, trying to give them the feeling that they are in it with the characters. I want to turn the reader into a mind reading cameraman if I can.

I don't want the readers genitals out of their pants in the first 5 seconds of the story. I want to draw it out slowly, nurture it, like a first time mother with her new born baby.

To give you an example. If I sit down to watch a movie and there is nothing but guns firing, bombs exploding and people running around screaming for the first few minutes, I switch it off or change the channel, but if I sit down and am shown a scene where a guy is chatting with his wife at the breakfast table, then he gets up, kisses her goodbye, get in his car and goes off to work and then another similar scene with different people etc etc etc, and then later on in the movie all hell breaks loose, I will watch it all the way through. I want to know about the characters I am seeing, I want to know about their families, their lifestyles etc before I see them getting blown to pieces. It makes the story real for me.

I know I am not the only one like that.

 

[monoblanco]

Go through your manuscript, cutting out every "and" (there are many of them) See if you can find another way to say it. Most of your "and"s signify run-on sentences. Shorter sentences are better than run-ons, but also in most cases you can subordinate one part of the sentence. e.g. "Where I would exit the building to make my way to work." Also look for superfluous or unintentionally repetitive words such as wake (up) turned (around) (went to get in), (went to get ready for), etc.

This is great advice!

The only thing I'll add is that you use commas a lot where you might be better served by shorter sentences.

Otherwise, I like the premise. It's got a lot of potential. Good luck!

 

[PennLady]

I have read many books, in which there is always quite a bit that is unimportant to the story, but makes for interesting reading. These unimportant bits give a better insight to either the character, the situation or the setting, making it seem a bit more real.

But if those bits give you "better insight," then they aren't "unimportant." They are contributing, perhaps indirectly more than directly, to the story but still contributing. They are giving you information about the world and the characters (hopefully) and that's what you said you wanted, to give the reader the feeling that they are in the world with the characters.

You won't be able to achieve that with everyone, of course, because people are simply too different. But you can aim to write what you like, and hope that the readers will come along with you.

To give you an example. If I sit down to watch a movie and there is nothing but guns firing, bombs exploding and people running around screaming for the first few minutes, I switch it off or change the channel, but if I sit down and am shown a scene where a guy is chatting with his wife at the breakfast table, then he gets up, kisses her goodbye, get in his car and goes off to work and then another similar scene with different people etc etc etc, and then later on in the movie all hell breaks loose, I will watch it all the way through. I want to know about the characters I am seeing, I want to know about their families, their lifestyles etc before I see them getting blown to pieces. It makes the story real for me.

I know I am not the only one like that.

No, you're not, but by cutting it off like that, you could be missing something. To the author of a story, or director of a movie, jumping into the middle of the action could be the way they feel it's best to set up the story and characters, to give you a feel of their world instead of just saying, "John was an accountant who lived in Plainville and..."

I tend to start my stories off kind of "in the middle." I usually open with a dialogue -- I often can't seem to help that -- and my hope, which seems to be borne out, is that people will read on to find who is talking and why. So with your movie example, I'd probably keep watching for a bit to find out who is fighting and why.

But that's not everyone's style and it shouldn't be. We all need our own style.

Don't forget what you're asking for is ultimately opinion, and people have varied and even contradictory ones. You'll need to sort through and find out what works best for you and your style and your stories.

 

[lurchman007]

Thanks Pennlady, that is probably the best advice I have had so far since I was actually looking more for comments on my writing, not my story.

I have done some thinking, and decided that I am going to leave that story as is with no continuation. It was basically a test run anyway.

I feel that my next piece will be a whole lot better.

 

[8letters]

I started this thread to ask for constructive criticism which would help me with future stories.

That's what I thought I was giving you. For me, I would rather someone show me how I could have done it better. For example, I recently got some feedback for one of my stories that I need to reduce the wordiness. My first thought was "What the hell does that mean?" However, the reviewer gave me an example of a paragraph where he thought it was too wordy and he then re-wrote that to show me how he would try to reduce the wordiness. That gave me some idea of what to look for.

I have read many books, in which there is always quite a bit that is unimportant to the story, but makes for interesting reading. These unimportant bits give a better insight to either the character, the situation or the setting, making it seem a bit more real.

I am not the type of person to create a 750 word jack-off story. I want to create a story that will bring the reader into the world that I have created, trying to give them the feeling that they are in it with the characters. I want to turn the reader into a mind reading cameraman if I can.

I agree with what you are saying. If I don't care about the characters, then I don't care that they are having sex. That someone keeps their curtains closed and listens to the weather report on the radio doesn't make me care for the character. What would make me care if I knew more about the guy's life situation and why he is there. Is he a twenty-something new to the city, struggling to meet people? Is he a forty-something, struggling to get over his recent divorce? What is the guy's personality like?

 

[sr71plt]

Just a note that if there is wordage giving insights into a story's characters that reveal characteristics or background important to the story itself, that's not "unimportant" material. (On the other hand if you go at lengths to describe Aunt Matilde's wooden leg but never connect her having one to how her character functions in the story, that's just unnecessary dross.)

 

[robertreams]

I instinctively accepted that our protagonist knew from the position in the buildings that it wasn't HER apartment. Please, do not add to or significantly change the ending. One critic said you did not have an ending. I strongly disagree! It could be spiced up to enhance the surprise, but to over explain it would ruin it. Even if you intend to have further chapters, please keep the surprise ending for Chap. 1.

 

[robertreams]

I went to close my apartment curtains because I get migraines from tension in my neck when something in the apartment building across the street caught my eye . A woman was lying on the floor in a lit room in front of open curtains. As the building was seventy-five yards away, I couldn't make her out clearly but she looked naked. I stood in shock.

I watched in amazement, realizing she was doing a yoga routine, twisting her body this way and that. The curtains gradually slipped from my fingers. I grew tired of standing, grabbed a dining room chair, sat and watched patiently. She was a slender redhead, pretty, perhaps in her twenties. She definitely wasn't wearing a top; I could see the small circles of her nipples shift when she moved her body from one position to another. My cock grew hard, uncomfortable. I stood, readjusted, and sat back down, never taking my eyes off the woman across the street.

After about 30 minutes, she moved to close her curtains, presenting me a brief full frontal view. The unmistakable dark patch where her legs met told me she was naked. The curtains closed, ending the show. I decided then and there I would have to buy a pair of binoculars.