Sandwich generation/Caregivers

[CandiCame]

I was reflecting about this and thought I might as well make a post here, but it might be a little rushed. Is anyone else caring for their elderly relative? I thought it might be worth it to have a thread for tips & tricks. I know that a lot of the folk on here are a bit older than I am, so you might not have that many elderly relatives, but if you were a caregiver at some point you're bound to still have some good insight!

 

[yossi]

My parents are getting older and have various health issues. I'm not a full time caregiver to either, but I think at some point I will be. As of now I'm over there frequently to make them dinner, food shopping, etc.

 

[dolf]

I work as a carer, so I might know the answer to some of the problems. there are a lot of gadgets & services & tricks that people aren't aware of.

 

[richard_daily]

I was reflecting about this and thought I might as well make a post here, but it might be a little rushed. Is anyone else caring for their elderly relative? I thought it might be worth it to have a thread for tips & tricks. I know that a lot of the folk on here are a bit older than I am, so you might not have that many elderly relatives, but if you were a caregiver at some point you're bound to still have some good insight!

Don't try to do everything yourself... ask for help as much as possible. There are a surprising amount of resources out there if you look for them.

 

[CandiCame]

I work as a carer, so I might know the answer to some of the problems. there are a lot of gadgets & services & tricks that people aren't aware of.

Mostly I've been having issues with my grandpa. He has an aggressive personality, and he has anxiety and nervous disorders, but he refuses to take his medication so he has violent outbursts. My mom refuses to acknowledge that he's crazy and not evil, and therefore won't help take care of him, but I've got to drive him to the kidney doctor (which is 2 hours away) to get his prepwork done (he's gonna have to start dialysis soon) and I'm just feeling really overwhelmed. And I have to actually go down there to talk to/watch him (I'm here right now) because during one of his outbursts he broke his phone. So I bought him a new phone. And then he broke that one. And I kinda don't want my kid around him, because he's so violent (like he bit the shit out of me during a fit pretty recently) and he's all old and feeble so he can't hurt an adult but she's tiny. And I can't keep doing this shit once I go back to work. And the complete lack of support has me overwhelmed. HomeHealth only comes out once a week (his nurse; idk what they're called in other places) so the rest of the time he's all alone, and apparently they don't stay long, because he's violent. My brother and I are considering putting him in a nursing home, but my mom is his next of kin and won't help us do that, and the medical people told us she would have to be the one to do that. So just. Yeah. ANY advice.

 

[CandiCame]

Don't try to do everything yourself... ask for help as much as possible. There are a surprising amount of resources out there if you look for them.

Do you have any specific links or phone numbers or anything? Because that's actually what I'm looking for. Because this is crazy overwhelming. But he raised me and shit. I can't just let him sit there and die of kidney failure or a heart attack or a stroke.

 

[Killswitch]

I'll take a Reuben with extra Swiss cheese.

 

[Debbie]

I've have done a lot of elder care. You're in a tough situation and need to take care of you too. Some of the oldies get really wound up if they feel rushed, disorganized or that they have done something wrong.

Do you have a family dr or a dr you go to that can have a chat with you?

Here in New Zealand there is Age Concern and places like that who can give advice, offer support, help you find out if Grandpa is eligible for a caregiver to come in for a time as well to help with housework, bathing etc.


You have my sympathy in a difficult situation and my admiration for caring.

I forgot to add having an elderly person in some sort of routine helps a lot to make them feel less edgy and insecure and I have found a couple of clients love watches with alarms to remind them to take their meds.

 

[yossi]

You're in Kentucky, yes?

http://chfs.ky.gov/dail/

 

[dolf]

oh, hell. without knowing the system over there, not really. here, they'd section him if he was violent. and they'd have to provide care on a daily basis. if you can get your mother to legally wash her hands of him, then you could be next of kin, but forcing someone into a home is pretty dire unless absolutely necessary.

what I do know is that, in any system, it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, and if it isn't documented then it didn't happen. you need to write a log of every visit, record injuries to yourself and things that he does/doesn't/can't do. can you get him a case worker?

if the system thinks you can take up the slack, they'll force you into a position where you have to take up the slack. you might be able to find some charities that can help.

 

[richard_daily]

Do you have any specific links or phone numbers or anything? Because that's actually what I'm looking for. Because this is crazy overwhelming. But he raised me and shit. I can't just let him sit there and die of kidney failure or a heart attack or a stroke.

Almost everything is state or local agencies, so it would be specific to your location.

Look into the department of health or elderly, or something that's called something along those lines.

I don't know how badly he's doing, but definitely make contact with hospice before things start to get really bad. I couldn't have dealt with the death of my family member without them. Also, make sure a living will is filled out, so that you know what they want to do in case they lose consciousness, and you have to take over the power of attorney for health care.

It sounds like you're in a similar boat that I was, doing it with very little family support, so reach out to volunteer groups, or anyone who will help that you're sure won't take advantage of the situation. I had a very good nurse who was a great advocate for my and my family member in my situation. I called her maybe 4 years later and she remembered everything about what had happened. She was a sanity saver for me.

 

[Debbie]

Do you have other family members that will help you out? Even if it's just stuff like taking him a meal, bringing him into their home for a meal, errands, washing, an outing, ph call etc.

 

[Bidin~Time]

Does your granpa have issues with urinary tract infections? Does he stay hydrated? either of these (worse in combination) can cause old folks to hallucinate and just generally talk out of their heads. When that happens, don't correct them if they tell you things that don't relate to the here and now, it just irritates them, because whatever is going on in their minds is real to them.

If he is unable to safely stay by himself, you may have no recourse but to call the state equivalent of CPS and report him as neglected. That may be the thing to make your mom put him in a nursing facility. Should that happen, prepare for him to become more confused as changing environments brings on Sundowner Syndrome.

Good Luck, Candi.

 

[dolf]

hospitals here have a volunteer hospital transport system, where people with no transport can get ferried to & from. dialysis will be, what, three days a week? and lasts 2-4 hours? you can't commit to that, so you need an alternative. and there's nothing lost by asking.

 

[Killswitch]

and a pickle.

 

[CandiCame]

You're in Kentucky, yes?

http://chfs.ky.gov/dail/

I think that these are the folk who hooked us up with home health.

You guys are great, btw!

I think that reason I'm feeling so overwhelmed is the violence. In the states it's set up weird. At least in Kentucky from my research I've found out that the police would be the ones to respond, because he can be a danger to himself and other, and they have to give him a dementia test, and if he can pass (he doesn't have dementia, he has personality, anxiety, and nervous disorders) it's considered a legal case and not a medical case. And I'm not sending my elderly fucking grandpa to jail. That's fucking crazy. That's my mom's plan and it's insane. I love his nurse to death but she told me the same thing the cops did. If I go that route and he doesn't have dementia, he won't be treated as a medical case. So I'm super weary of trusting the government people with any of this. The US has a really fucked up history of elder abuse and making things crimes that are clearly medical (addictive personality disorder with me, for instance) and it's given me a distrust. So I've got this fear that if I get the wrong person from the wrong agency it's gonna fuck him up.

 

[CandiCame]

hospitals here have a volunteer hospital transport system, where people with no transport can get ferried to & from. dialysis will be, what, three days a week? and lasts 2-4 hours? you can't commit to that, so you need an alternative. and there's nothing lost by asking.

They can. It's called LKLP and I actually already spoke to them. They're totally willing to transport him from 8-4, any time he wants. The problem that I have with that is I think it's fucking heartbreaking. To leave an old man all alone with a stranger to have something that invasive done. It just seems so fucked up and wrong. I am super emotional today, Jesus fuck. I must be going crazy.

 

[dolf]

here you can get a person sectioned under the mental health act if they are considered a danger top themselves or others. it sounds like it'd be pretty easy to prove, and at least he'd be in a hospital (of sorts). but I don't know how it would work over there.

 

[CandiCame]

Seriously, you guys are so sweet. I expected assholishness.

The way things have been going where I've been posting from the hospital is because I've actually had 2 elderly people to take care of and it's been super annoying.

 

[yossi]

They can. It's called LKLP and I actually already spoke to them. They're totally willing to transport him from 8-4, any time he wants. The problem that I have with that is I think it's fucking heartbreaking. To leave an old man all alone with a stranger to have something that invasive done. It just seems so fucked up and wrong. I am super emotional today, Jesus fuck. I must be going crazy.

It seems what you're really lacking is the family support system then.

Have you asked him how he would feel about that? Is he able to respond to those kinds of questions? He might feel better not having family around in those situations - sometimes it's easier to be surrounded by professionals who are emotionally stable rather than a family member who isn't able to hold back theirs. Something to think about.

 

[CandiCame]

here you can get a person sectioned under the mental health act if they are considered a danger top themselves or others. it sounds like it'd be pretty easy to prove, and at least he'd be in a hospital (of sorts). but I don't know how it would work over there.

Everything I've researched/been told points to him going to jail. He can easily pass the psyche test, and they'll only hospitalize him if he fails it. If not the American way to deal with people who are harmful, regardless of whether it's ethical or not, is to throw them in jail. At least in Ky. And there are tons of horror stories about how the elderly are treated in jail, that I read because of my research and it's really horrible. Seems like the kind of thing that needs to be reformed. But you know how we do with that.

 

[dolf]

They can. It's called LKLP and I actually already spoke to them. They're totally willing to transport him from 8-4, any time he wants. The problem that I have with that is I think it's fucking heartbreaking. To leave an old man all alone with a stranger to have something that invasive done. It just seems so fucked up and wrong. I am super emotional today, Jesus fuck. I must be going crazy.

it's not that bad. my mother started recently and, other than getting bored & cold, it's not causing any distress. and she's almost as high strung as your pops! weirdly, sometimes it's less stressful with strangers, because they don't play up and act out the same way they would with family. I see it at work... people freaking out with family, getting into a state, but suddenly it all calms down once they left with the kind but detached lady in uniform.

 

[dolf]

Everything I've researched/been told points to him going to jail. He can easily pass the psyche test, and they'll only hospitalize him if he fails it. If not the American way to deal with people who are harmful, regardless of whether it's ethical or not, is to throw them in jail. At least in Ky. And there are tons of horror stories about how the elderly are treated in jail, that I read because of my research and it's really horrible. Seems like the kind of thing that needs to be reformed. But you know how we do with that.

would it be the cops route if you were trying to section someone? is that the only route?? like, a shrink couldn't force him to stay in a mental hospital for assessment? crazy!

 

[CandiCame]

It seems what you're really lacking is the family support system then.

Have you asked him how he would feel about that? Is he able to respond to those kinds of questions? He might feel better not having family around in those situations - sometimes it's easier to be surrounded by professionals who are emotionally stable rather than a family member who isn't able to hold back theirs. Something to think about.

It's not really their fault is the thing, so I can't really complain about it. One of my little brothers lives around 2 and half hours away and the other is 14. What the hell is he gonna do? He's a child. And the other does help, when he's able, but he's like my mom inasmuch as he doesn't understand that it's an illness and not just being evil. Like he wanted me to press charges when he bit me. And asked why I didn't physically fight him. And I was like, "Because he's a frail old man! What the fuck!?" So... he's not exactly someone I trust. I mean, I love my brother but he's a fucking dumbass sometimes.

 

[CandiCame]

would it be the cops route if you were trying to section someone? is that the only route?? like, a shrink couldn't force him to stay in a mental hospital for assessment? crazy!

I don't know what section means.