Stunned and in shock

[Red_Kiss]

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I've posted but today I need the words of my Lit friends.

My love of 9 months told me today that he 'can't do this anymore'. He dropped that bomb on me before he left for work. To give some background: I know he's been having money problems (a pay cut, late bills) and he just bought into a business (front money loaned to him by a family member). He's also been drinking lately, but not to the point of drunk. He sleeps all the time. The tension in the house has been nauseating for the past few weeks since he's decided to go ahead with the new business. It's as though things are crashing down around him. I've given him space, a supportive ear and have kept things up around the house. In the past few weeks he's been detached from me and his daughter. I feel that he's suffering from depression since we lost our baby in June. He told me today that it's not fair for me to 'settle'. I was stunned and speechless.

He left while I was in the bathroom crying. I moved my things into the storage shed at our house and took what I needed with me to stay in a motel. I don't understand how he can give me a diamond necklace for Christmas then boom, two days after tell me he can't do it anymore. He didn't outright tell me to leave, but I feel that's what was implied today. So I did, and now I'm second guessing myself.

How do I handle this? Is it the perfect storm of stress, money , and depression that's making him this way? Any thoughts, advice or encouragement would really help me out tonight.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Wow... You must be reeling... It certainly sounds like he has a lot of stressors in his life, right now. And, you do, too.
Did you guys talk at all? Have you been able to talk about it? Are you saying he dropped the news, left for work, you moved out and you two haven't spoken yet? Do you know what he means by "can't do this?"... What is "this"?
Sounds like you two need to have a discussion... Losing a baby during pregnancy—that affects a person in many different ways, but I suspect it factors in here, greatly.
My best advice to you, right now... given what little I know... my advice is... do nothing. If you're in a place where you feel you must do something, but don't know what that something is—Do nothing. Wait. Other options will bubble up. May I suggest you seek out a therapist so you can get things figured out in your mind. You cannot make him do or feel anything. All you can do is control your responses, your actions...
This all happened today... shit. No wonder you're all stunned and shocked. You guys really need to talk openly and honestly with each other, and soon.
Best to you...

 

[Red_Kiss]

Wow... You must be reeling... It certainly sounds like he has a lot of stressors in his life, right now. And, you do, too.
Did you guys talk at all? Have you been able to talk about it? Are you saying he dropped the news, left for work, you moved out and you two haven't spoken yet? Do you know what he means by "can't do this?"... What is "this"?
Sounds like you two need to have a discussion... Losing a baby during pregnancy—that affects a person in many different ways, but I suspect it factors in here, greatly.
My best advice to you, right now... given what little I know... my advice is... do nothing. If you're in a place where you feel you must do something, but don't know what that something is—Do nothing. Wait. Other options will bubble up. May I suggest you seek out a therapist so you can get things figured out in your mind. You cannot make him do or feel anything. All you can do is control your responses, your actions...
This all happened today... shit. No wonder you're all stunned and shocked. You guys really need to talk openly and honestly with each other, and soon.
Best to you...

There was no talking earlier, the interaction consisted of him saying what he did, me sobbing, then him leaving for work. I assume that he's getting home soon and he'll find that I'm gone. What scares the fuck out of me is what if he doesn't call or want to talk. There has been no fighting or anger between us, this just happened out of the blue. Thank God for my anti-anxiety meds. I've finally stopped shaking. Wtf is going through his mind.

 

[unregistered]

 

[LadyVer]

Trying thinking from this angle: you're both 60. Life is short. Drama is only good for a few years. After that, it doesn't work well. I'm serious, and I mean no offense.

 

[Red_Kiss]

The use of the term "settle' here is telling, at least in my experience. Guys often identify their worth with their ability to do two things: get and erection and earn money. If there are issues with either they can and do -often very quickly- loose all confidence in themselves.

One cure. Talk to him. Cry with him. Show him how you see him and make him understand -married or not- that you are in it for better or worse. Provided that you are, of course.

Quite spot on: his libido and his erections haven't been functioning lately. Add to that he's nearly a grand in debt over just two bills. The recent pay cut has hit him hard, confidence-wise. When we first met, he was pretty flush and there were lots of extras like going out to eat, etc. Now a dinner out is at Wendy's. Which doesn't bother me because it's just not important to me to have those extras. In fact, when he told me he wanted to marry me he I would never want for anything. So the finances have put his confidence and self esteem into a pit.

 

[Red_Kiss]

Trying thinking from this angle: you're both 60. Life is short. Drama is only good for a few years. After that, it doesn't work well. I'm serious, and I mean no offense.

Good point, LadyVer. But this is the only dramatic thing he's ever done. We both were very clear in the beginning that drama was not ok.

 

[LadyVer]

Good point, LadyVer. But this is the only dramatic thing he's ever done. We both were very clear in the beginning that dreams was not ok.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that what seems a big deal, or hard to deal with, really isn't, in the grand scheme of things. And maybe, the question is, what is it you should or could be doing, regardless of what is going on around you. Maybe, it's focusing on the bigger picture. Again, no offense.

 

[unregistered]

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I'm sorry this is something that has settled upon your path. Stress can suck and it seems as if the three of you have been dealt quite a lot lately.

Follow your heart.. with one caveat. If you're expecting him to come after you, it doesn't seem as if he's in a place where he can do that right now. Best of luck to all of you.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

I won't repeat what my fellow posters said, but a few other things did occur to me while I was reading your posts:

1) Does his daughter live/spend a fair amount of time with him? If so, will she be safe and cared for in this whole mess, particularly if he's depressed, drinking and having trouble staying out of bed?

2) How did he afford a diamond necklace if he's in financial distress? Can the necklace be returned, and the money be put to bills that need to be paid?

3) Have you suggested he contact his creditors, explain the situation, and ask to work out a payment plan he can afford?

4) Finally, I suspect you're still in shock, but moving forward, you may find comfort in looking at how you might not let history repeat itself in the future. You said you've been together for 9 months; that seems like a very short time to fall in love, move in with someone, get pregnant (and lose a baby ) and take on the role of a stepparent, even in the best of circumstances. Those are a lot of major life changes that cause tons of stress.

I'm NOT suggesting you beat yourself up over any choice, just that sometimes it can be helpful and empowering to look at the factors that contributed to a relationship/situation going awry, forgive ourselves for any guilt we feel, and find ways to avoid doing those same things in the future so we don't find ourselves in the same spot months or years down the line. At least I find that kind of mindset helps me heal and move on from big disappointments and losses.

 

[Que]

Sorry for your pain, and his.

His sense of self-worth is tied up in his ability to provide. He sees his cutting you loose as some noble sacrifice.

He likely is wallowing in too much depression and self flagellation to hear you but it sounds like you are (until being blindsided) relatively satisfied with him and want to be wanted by him.

Best is to let him know the things that you do value in him independent of his being a provider. Do not even express your (I assume) respect for the efforts (even if they failed) to provide. He is nowhere healthy enough to hear that. Probably won't hear the other things either, but best to stay off the sore point while he works that out for himself.

Men get their self esteem all too often from what the do, and this tends to be more true the older they are.

 

[SweetSam42]

I am so sorry you're going through all of this. I think that so many things here can take a toll on a man's self esteem and sense of self worth. It sounds so much like depression to me, and that can seep out into the rest of life in so many ways.

 

[Harold_Hill]

My love of 9 months told me today that he 'can't do this anymore'. He dropped that bomb on me before he left for work. To give some background: I know he's been having money problems (a pay cut, late bills) and he just bought into a business (front money loaned to him by a family member).

This is advice I rarely give to anyone, but he has problems beyond your capability to help him, and you need to stop overreacting and get him into some kind of counseling. Certainly, losing the baby isn't helping, but starting a business on borrowed money, (especially when it is borrowed from someone you care about, rather than a bank no one cares about), and the business isn't paying the bills, there is the cause of his stress. This isn't about you: he really does feel like his world is crashing down on him. He needs someone professional to teach him how to handle stress in business.

Another thing that will help as much or more than counseling is if his family, (especially the ones who loaned him the money), will rally around him and help him through the rough times. He probably feels very alone right now.

 

[Que]

Losing the baby was a huge loss for both of you as I am sure you understand. I kind of doubt he is consciously aware of the degree to which that was his loss too. It would seem selfish to a man like this to grieve because he wasn't the one that suffered the loss directly (in his mind.)

My money is on him being highly resistant to professional help even if there was plenty of money to do so. Are you involved with some trusted clergy? Does he have anyone in his life left as a mentor figure?

 

[Red_Kiss]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts so far. I know that he would be highly resistant to counseling because he feels that he needs to be strong for everyone else. I do know that he prays daily so at least he has some comfort from that. He even hesitates to tell me things because he doesn't want to make me stressed.
.He very much has a provider/protector mindset. When he was a kid he had a horrific existence: living on a run down farm with no running water, eating roadkill, never any money. So I think he's terrified of ever being in that place again.

I fell asleep earlier and was surprised to find that he didn't call, especially since he has no idea where I am or if I'm ok. That makes me feel even lousier.

 

[Red_Kiss]

Sorry for your pain, and his.

His sense of self-worth is tied up in his ability to provide. He sees his cutting you loose as some noble sacrifice.

He likely is wallowing in too much depression and self flagellation to hear you but it sounds like you are (until being blindsided) relatively satisfied with him and want to be wanted by him.

Best is to let him know the things that you do value in him independent of his being a provider. Do not even express your (I assume) respect for the efforts (even if they failed) to provide. He is nowhere healthy enough to hear that. Probably won't hear the other things either, but best to stay off the sore point while he works that out for himself.

Men get their self esteem all too often from what the do, and this tends to be more true the older they are.

Good points, Query. And yes, I very much want to be wanted by him and have been satisfied with our relationship. We get along easily, have fun, talk and up until a few weeks ago the sex was passionate. I agree that he's wallowing. It almost seems like for him it's easier to disconnect, sleep, smoke and eat than it is to break out of it. And I don't judge that; the black dog of depression has been a companion in my life but I know that in order for me to function and give my best I need to manage it.

 

[Que]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts so far. I know that he would be highly resistant to counseling because he feels that he needs to be strong for everyone else. I do know that he prays daily so at least he has some comfort from that. He even hesitates to tell me things because he doesn't want to make me stressed.
.He very much has a provider/protector mindset. When he was a kid he had a horrific existence: living on a run down farm with no running water, eating roadkill, never any money. So I think he's terrified of ever being in that place again.

I fell asleep earlier and was surprised to find that he didn't call, especially since he has no idea where I am or if I'm ok. That makes me feel even lousier.

You need to rest, and being away was probably best for you. He takes your absence of confirmation he did the right thing even though pushing you away was a self-fulfilling prophesy.

If he prays, perhaps he has a church? Most churches have some version of free counseling even if it is only a sit down with the pastor.

The bad part of that is that you get a lot of semi to non-professional advice often laced with fairly not helpful advice like "pray more." The good side though is people like I suspect he is with a somewhat superstitious and religious background will at least to another human being and it is easier on their pride if it is god-related. It seems less like admitting a mental or psychological counseling if one seeks guidance from an ecclesiastical leader. Even Presidents use that little self-deception.

If you do not have a church you attend seek one or two out. Explain the current duress and I think most would jump at the chance to help in any number of ways.

Good luck.

 

[Que]

A lot of men his age (well men in general really) view depression as a weakness. I would avoid using the clinical term. Probably OK to mention you know he has been "Down" or disheartened or whatever.

This could well be chicken and egg. He could have slipped into clinical depression for chemical reasons not triggered by the money problems, and the inattention to detail that goes along with depression and disrupted sleep patterns led to making bad money choices or dropping the ball on opportunities.

Or the money was a precipitating event and he is withdrawing and his inactivity is spiraling the depression.

I am not big on letters versus face time, but maybe his pride would handle a letter of support better than an in person exchange? I dunno. Tough spot.

What region are you in?

 

[Erochic]

I'm thinking that you should reach out to him, because it seems like he can't reach out to you.

Maybe call or Maybe a letter (email) rather than a call... So you can keep it calm.

Tell him where you are - that you didn't want to leave but you left because he wanted you to. That you understand that things have been really tough recently and that he has been down - but that you want to be with him through thick or thin.

 

[twister947]

^^^Spot on. Wise woman.

 

[Que]

I'm thinking that you should reach out to him, because it seems like he can't reach out to you.

Maybe call or Maybe a letter (email) rather than a call... So you can keep it calm.

Tell him where you are - that you didn't want to leave but you left because he wanted you to. That you understand that things have been really tough recently and that he has been down - but that you want to be with him through thick or thin.

I like the entire substance of this message. I felt you should send one, but I wouldn't have been able to articulate it as well as this^.

I'd almost write that verbatim or something close to it, long hand, and leave it for him where he is sure to see it.

I wouldn't add much more than that, too much and he will be overwhelmed.

 

[Erochic]

^^^Spot on. Wise woman.

I'm not just a pretty .... Umm ...
I have brains too


It just jumped out at me that even though he told that it was over he didn't really want her to leave - and might feel that "of course she left me because I'm a loser". She needs to tell him exactly what the situation is and how she feels.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its always best to strike another match and let the past claim the carcass of dead love.

 

[quietlylooking]

I'm not just a pretty .... Umm ...
I have brains too


It just jumped out at me that even though he told that it was over he didn't really want her to leave - and might feel that "of course she left me because I'm a loser". She needs to tell him exactly what the situation is and how she feels.

I totally agree. Unless I missed something, it is not clear that he wanted her to leave. And like you said, Erochic, he might blame himself that she left and feel even worse. If he's as depressed as he sounds, he may not contact her at this point.

Red_Kiss, as hard as it may be, I think you may have to make the first move here in contacting him if you do really want him back. He may be misinterpreting your departure.