Stunned and in shock

[Harold_Hill]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts so far. I know that he would be highly resistant to counseling because he feels that he needs to be strong for everyone else. I do know that he prays daily so at least he has some comfort from that. He even hesitates to tell me things because he doesn't want to make me stressed.
.He very much has a provider/protector mindset. When he was a kid he had a horrific existence: living on a run down farm with no running water, eating roadkill, never any money. So I think he's terrified of ever being in that place again.

I fell asleep earlier and was surprised to find that he didn't call, especially since he has no idea where I am or if I'm ok. That makes me feel even lousier.

If he is resistant to counseling, then try family intervention. He is drowning and needs to know he isn't alone. He needs support. Now stop acting like a prima donna and go home and help your husband. If you have to get a job and help him pay off his bills, then get a job and help him pay off the bills. After all, your wedding vows did say "For better or for worse", or at least should have. If financial problems are the cause of his problems, he needs help, not sympathy. If he doesn't want help, stand up to him and tell him he is going to have help whether he like it or not. A wife should be a man's strength in marriage, not his weakness. If you need a baby sitter to go to work, look to the extended family. That's what aunts and grandmothers are for. However, if they help you, keep in mind, you owe them support in return. Nothing is free in life.

When you fall in a hole, you don't run away, you dig your way out!

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I did not get the impression that anyone was married or my advice may change.

I suppose the part that puzzles me is..
why did you leave? I think it's an important question to ask yourself. There are multiple possible answers, but you're the only one who knows. It will take a dose of hard honesty to really understand why you decided that the best answer was to pack your things and go.

people split all the time.. but you did it in a day. you didn't say, "let's talk about this when you get home" or "this is my house too." He said, "go," and you did. I think that you need to realize that he didn't kick you out. You are in control of your own actions. You left. That's ok. It's what you chose to do at the time.

it's almost as if it became some self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you don't want to leave, go back.

 

[Erochic]

Now stop acting like a prima donna and go home and help your husband.

To be very fair - he is acting more like a prima Donna.

He's the one who told her out of the blue that the relationship was over.

 

[Harold_Hill]

I did not get the impression that anyone was married or my advice may change.

I suppose the part that puzzles me is..
why did you leave? I think it's an important question to ask yourself. There are multiple possible answers, but you're the only one who knows. It will take a dose of hard honesty to really understand why you decided that the best answer was to pack your things and go.

people split all the time.. but you did it in a day. you didn't say, "let's talk about this when you get home" or "this is my house too." He said, "go," and you did. I think that you need to realize that he didn't kick you out. You are in control of your own actions. You left. That's ok. It's what you chose to do at the time.

it's almost as if it became some self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you don't want to leave, go back.

My mistake. She didn't say they were married, although in a later post she say he wanted to marry her. I guess I confused the two posts and thought they were married. However, they did lose a baby together: how much more married can you get?

 

[GiggLeGasm]

My mistake. She didn't say they were married, although in a later post she say he wanted to marry her. I guess I confused the two posts and thought they were married. However, they did lose a baby together: how much more married can you get?

I don't want to appear cold.. but it's a 9 month relationship, the baby was lost 7 months ago. There is so much uneven ground that it's hard to tell what kind of a relationship it's been. That's why I said that only RK has the answers. Did they get together because she was pregnant? Would she have moved in with him otherwise? Is she a student because she has some deeply rooted dream that finally has a chance to come true.. and now this? Is he creating a business without her blessing? One paragraph of history isn't enough to know. This isn't a life event.. this is a mini-series!

Without any judgement at all, only to know her own heart, she needs to step back and decide what the past year has been. Then, she can decide how to proceed.

 

[Harold_Hill]

To be very fair - he is acting more like a prima Donna.

He's the one who told her out of the blue that the relationship was over.

I take it you have never been broke and so far in debt that you can't see a way out? When your world is collapsing around you, sometimes you say things you don't mean. If she's that easily offended by the man she supposedly loves, maybe he is better off without her. I think she needs to grow up. She sounds pretty self centered, if she ran out on him the first time he said something didn't like. After all, it didn't take her long to move her stuff out to the shed and take off did it? Saying "he can't do this anymore", doesn't necessarily mean he was talking about her personally. It could mean he is saying he can't go on with the situation the way it is.

 

[Harold_Hill]

On a side note: For those of you who wonder why your relationships/marriages fall apart, men today, often find women in long term relationships more of a burden than an asset.

That's not bitterness on my part, it's just a fact. Outside of sex, few women today know how to relate to a man in a relationship. A man needs more than a ride on the bedstead from a woman.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I'm removing this one. It does nothing but reveal frustration.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I did not get the impression that anyone was married or my advice may change.

I suppose the part that puzzles me is..
why did you leave? I think it's an important question to ask yourself. There are multiple possible answers, but you're the only one who knows. It will take a dose of hard honesty to really understand why you decided that the best answer was to pack your things and go.

people split all the time.. but you did it in a day. you didn't say, "let's talk about this when you get home" or "this is my house too." He said, "go," and you did. I think that you need to realize that he didn't kick you out. You are in control of your own actions. You left. That's ok. It's what you chose to do at the time.

it's almost as if it became some self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you don't want to leave, go back.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

[Red_Kiss]

Well, I didn't hear from him last night which really shocks me since he has no idea where I am. After reading everyone's input I'm kicking myself for leaving. But then I think, what was I supposed to do? He hasn't been communicative or physical for the past few weeks, even when I kissed him goodbye in the mornings it seemed like he was put out. Even when I tried to talk he'd shut down. I felt as though the unspoken message yesterday was 'be gone before the little one gets back from her weekend with her mom'. I guess so he wouldn't have much explaining to do as to why I'm not there anymore.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Well, I didn't hear from him last night which really shocks me since he has no idea where I am. After reading everyone's input I'm kicking myself for leaving. But then I think, what was I supposed to do? He hasn't been communicative or physical for the past few weeks, even when I kissed him goodbye in the mornings it seemed like he was put out. Even when I tried to talk he'd shut down. I felt as though the unspoken message yesterday was 'be gone before the little one gets back from her weekend with her mom'. I guess so he wouldn't have much explaining to do as to why I'm not there anymore.

From what I understood in this thread, your relationship has been something of a whirlwind.
In times like that, I don't think it is a good idea to listen to much for unspoken messages.
If you want to stay in the relationship, tell him that and that you want to help get you both out of the financial trouble. And in all honesty, neither buying diamonds nor motelroom bills are helpful when it comes to that.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Well, I didn't hear from him last night which really shocks me since he has no idea where I am. After reading everyone's input I'm kicking myself for leaving. But then I think, what was I supposed to do? He hasn't been communicative or physical for the past few weeks, even when I kissed him goodbye in the mornings it seemed like he was put out. Even when I tried to talk he'd shut down. I felt as though the unspoken message yesterday was 'be gone before the little one gets back from her weekend with her mom'. I guess so he wouldn't have much explaining to do as to why I'm not there anymore.

I think you hear only what you want to hear! Stop pouting and hoping he will beg you to come back. Why would he beg you to come back; you have already dumped him. You did that when you moved your stuff into the shed. I'm not sure how many options you have yourself. If you had options such as as friend or relative who would take you in until you got your problems worked out, you wouldn't have went to a motel. Unless you have options you haven't mentioned, go back and make him talk to you. If he wants you gone, make him put it into words. If he wants you to stay, make him talk it out with you. You are wasting your time asking people who know almost nothing about your situation.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

"he hasn't been communicative or physical for the past few weeks"

RK - I don't know you. I don't know if you're the type to run when the going gets tough. Maybe you've been through so many long term struggles that you just don't want another one..

but if the shoes were on the other feet..

if you looked at him and said, "it's unfair to ask you to put up with me. you should just go."
would you consider it a cry for help or an ultimatum?

what if it was your child.. or your sibling.. or your best friend?
would your answer change?

 

[silverwhisper]

giggle is, as usual, quite wise. there's been tons of great advice in this thread already, upon which i certainly cannot improve.

red kiss, i have a feeling that you've already decided on a course of action here. i hope you'll update folks on what happened, because what you're describing is obviously painful, and all the more so for its being a complete surprise.

your lover's recent difficulty in achieving/maintaining an erection is not unusual for men whose ability to provide is compromised. it's tightly tied into ego and self-worth for many men, so that there've been issues there is unsurprising, sadly.

please take care of yourself?

ed

 

[Red_Kiss]

Thanks everyone so far for the insight. I talked to him face to face today for a couple of hours. First off I apologized for leaving, which he understood why I did. I made it clear to him that I love him, he's my man and the one that I want and that the money, business, stress, etc are things that I'll stick with him through. I also told him I felt he was depressed and I wouldn't abandon him while he copes with it. He told me he was overloaded with everything and just 'couldn't do this relationship with everything that's going on right now'. His depression has led to overeating....weight gain and the inevitable low libido and self esteem; he feels guilty that we can't have sex.

I guess what I came out of the discussion with is is that this is nothing that I've done wrong or could have done better. That he's in a place where he feels he can only figure things out alone. I've spoken my heart to him and let him know I love him very much.

 

[Red_Kiss]

"he hasn't been communicative or physical for the past few weeks"

RK - I don't know you. I don't know if you're the type to run when the going gets tough. Maybe you've been through so many long term struggles that you just don't want another one..

but if the shoes were on the other feet..

if you looked at him and said, "it's unfair to ask you to put up with me. you should just go."
would you consider it a cry for help or an ultimatum?

what if it was your child.. or your sibling.. or your best friend?
would your answer change?

Giggle, I've tried numerous times in the past few weeks to get him to open up and have asked if I can help or do anything but he's told me there isn't. I didn't want to pressure him but I make him aware that I was there for him.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Giggle, I've tried numerous times in the past few weeks to get him to open up and have asked if I can help or do anything but he's told me there isn't. I didn't want to pressure him but I make him aware that I was there for him.

I have never questioned your willingness to be present in your relationship. I also do not read your situation with any prejudice about what you "should" have done. I guess that I just felt it necessary to say that, whatever you decide, please do not become a victim of your decision. It seems as if it has been a rough year for you (or it would have been for me in similar circumstances) and you need to know that it's ok to consider your needs. Sometimes that takes a bit of courage.

Best to you.

 

[Erochic]

Thanks everyone so far for the insight. I talked to him face to face today for a couple of hours. First off I apologized for leaving, which he understood why I did. I made it clear to him that I love him, he's my man and the one that I want and that the money, business, stress, etc are things that I'll stick with him through. I also told him I felt he was depressed and I wouldn't abandon him while he copes with it. He told me he was overloaded with everything and just 'couldn't do this relationship with everything that's going on right now'. His depression has led to overeating....weight gain and the inevitable low libido and self esteem; he feels guilty that we can't have sex.

I guess what I came out of the discussion with is is that this is nothing that I've done wrong or could have done better. That he's in a place where he feels he can only figure things out alone. I've spoken my heart to him and let him know I love him very much.

Oh well done.
I'm so glad you spoke to him and spoke from your heart.

 

[Red_Kiss]

I have never questioned your willingness to be present in your relationship. I also do not read your situation with any prejudice about what you "should" have done. I guess that I just felt it necessary to say that, whatever you decide, please do not become a victim of your decision. It seems as if it has been a rough year for you (or it would have been for me in similar circumstances) and you need to know that it's ok to consider your needs. Sometimes that takes a bit of courage.

Best to you.

It's been a nightmare of a year.
I'm realizing now that his behavior and coping mechanisms were affecting me in a negative way. My anxiety levels have been sky-high, and I've been having severe migraines and GI issues. I've been down the dark road of severe depression before and it almost killed me. As much as I love and care for him I can't jeopardize my mental health. I think this break is best for the moment. Perhaps he'll get things situated and we can be close at some point, but I don't hate him. He's the father of our angel baby and he'll always be a part of me.

 

[Red_Kiss]

Oh well done.
I'm so glad you spoke to him and spoke from your heart.

Thank you . It felt good to have some reasons and some resolution.

 

[quietlylooking]

Thank you . It felt good to have some reasons and some resolution.

Very glad to hear this, and hope things improve for both of you, whatever way things end up resolving between you in the end.

 

[multitalentman]

It's been a nightmare of a year.
I'm realizing now that his behavior and coping mechanisms were affecting me in a negative way. My anxiety levels have been sky-high, and I've been having severe migraines and GI issues. I've been down the dark road of severe depression before and it almost killed me. As much as I love and care for him I can't jeopardize my mental health. I think this break is best for the moment. Perhaps he'll get things situated and we can be close at some point, but I don't hate him. He's the father of our angel baby and he'll always be a part of me.

You seem to have a great deal of experience in dealing with emotions and life issues. I haven't read all the posts here, but I have skimmed about half. I would highly recommend counseling for the both of you. At least for you to have some impartial input for grounding yourself. You do seem to have a good handle on things, but its always good to have backup. Especially If you have a little one involved.

 

[Cumference]

When I read the OP, my first thought was "bail out now!"

- Psychologically unstable

- Drinking

- You leave, and he does not really react...

- Economically unstable. Diamonds one day, deeply in debt the next....


Those are major red flags in my book.


I think your decision to break up was a very prudent one.

 

[Red_Kiss]

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice and insights. It really helped me to get some perspective. I spoke to him last night about getting his business discount for my motel room which he was happy to do. He also said after he gets paid this week he wants to give me money for the last shopping trip I did for the household. I'm ok with that. I also found a new place to live that I'll be sharing with two other professional women; I move in this weekend.

For those that suggested counseling I want to mention that I do have an appointment tomorrow.

As devastated as I am I don't hate him, I feel sorry for him because his life is shit right now. It's just very hard to see all your hopes and dreams disappear in a day.

 

[Que]

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice and insights. It really helped me to get some perspective. I spoke to him last night about getting his business discount for my motel room which he was happy to do. He also said after he gets paid this week he wants to give me money for the last shopping trip I did for the household. I'm ok with that. I also found a new place to live that I'll be sharing with two other professional women; I move in this weekend.

For those that suggested counseling I want to mention that I do have an appointment tomorrow.

As devastated as I am I don't hate him, I feel sorry for him because his life is shit right now. It's just very hard to see all your hopes and dreams disappear in a day.

Wow. that is an amazing level of self-care. Well done. I really like the idea that you will not be alone with expenses or your thoughts. Sounds like you found a great place to re-group.