Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[funluvinaj]

They exist.

I don't have to write him a user manual.

I can't manipulate him.

I can't refuse him.

Bingo.

 

[DesEsseintes]

They certainly exist, though many, here and elsewhere, do indeed deny their existence or even mock the very idea. The 'twue Dom' insult tends to be trotted out, as if classical Dominant traits are some hopeless pipe dream or, worse, to be actively avoided because they are sexist or similar.

 

[elli1]

They certainly exist, though many, here and elsewhere, do indeed deny their existence or even mock the very idea. The 'twue Dom' insult tends to be trotted out, as if classical Dominant traits are some hopeless pipe dream or, worse, to be actively avoided because they are sexist or similar.

*listens attentively yet skeptically*

 

[Missingout]

Like they exist.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v319/ARIZONA99/imagesQO1CB5SI_zps96a945f7.jpg

 

[Arianthe]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v319/ARIZONA99/imagesQO1CB5SI_zps96a945f7.jpg

Hahahahahaha....

 

[elli1]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v319/ARIZONA99/imagesQO1CB5SI_zps96a945f7.jpg

then you did a horrible job

 

[funluvinaj]

They certainly exist, though many, here and elsewhere, do indeed deny their existence or even mock the very idea. The 'twue Dom' insult tends to be trotted out, as if classical Dominant traits are some hopeless pipe dream or, worse, to be actively avoided because they are sexist or similar.

I find this very interesting as it is along the lines of a discussion I began to have with my guy. He has the dominant personality yet I've never felt more respected and appreciated. I think knowing that this man would not tolerate certain negative attributes I've had with weaker men is refreshing. Thinking on that even more I don't think it would even come to that.

Though I don't find myself scary or intimidating I've been told I can be... and the men in my life up til this point simply cave when I'm passionate about something. This guy embraces that he has his own opinion and knows he's right. Lol. When he's wrong he freely admits it. It's so refreshing to be able to walk along beside someone or even follow and not be expected to lead.

Maybe my wanting a man to lead, to open doors for me, to take care of me goes against the feminist ideal but I don't think I'm alone.

 

[Missingout]

then you did a horrible job

Can't say I know anything about that except the title of the book.

 

[elli1]

Can't say I know anything about that except the title of the book.

i skimmed through the first book of the series once at a bookshop. i have no words.

 

[Arianthe]

I find this very interesting as it is along the lines of a discussion I began to have with my guy. He has the dominant personality yet I've never felt more respected and appreciated. I think knowing that this man would not tolerate certain negative attributes I've had with weaker men is refreshing. Thinking on that even more I don't think it would even come to that.

Though I don't find myself scary or intimidating I've been told I can be... and the men in my life up til this point simply cave when I'm passionate about something. This guy embraces that he has his own opinion and knows he's right. Lol. When he's wrong he freely admits it. It's so refreshing to be able to walk along beside someone or even follow and not be expected to lead.

Maybe my wanting a man to lead, to open doors for me, to take care of me goes against the feminist ideal but I don't think I'm alone.

I see the feminist ideal as having the right to choose how I live my life, without being judged or discriminated against for my choices on the basis of my gender. It just so happens that a 24/7 D/s relationship makes me happier than any other kind. My life, my choice.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Maybe my wanting a man to lead, to open doors for me, to take care of me goes against the feminist ideal but I don't think I'm alone.

I think the classic misconception is that a Dom/me is "strong" and a sub is "tender(weak)." A more accurate--and healthier--description would be of two people who are each strong and tender in complementary ways.

 

[funluvinaj]

I see the feminist ideal as having the right to choose how I live my life, without being judged or discriminated against for my choices on the basis of my gender. It just so happens that a 24/7 D/s relationship makes me happier than any other kind. My life, my choice.

This is what we should teach our daughters and sons. It should really just be the human ideal... Living our lives without fear from judgement or discrimination. I do not believe this will ever happen.

I think the classic misconception is that a Dom/me is "strong" and a sub is "tender(weak)." A more accurate--and healthier--description would be of two people who are each strong and tender in complementary ways.

Interestingly enough I don't have any desire to live in a D/s relationship... Yet I'm realizing that with the right man I'm completely submissive. Didn't think I had it in me honestly.

 

[Missingout]

I think the classic misconception is that a Dom/me is "strong" and a sub is "tender(weak)." A more accurate--and healthier--description would be of two people who are each strong and tender in complementary ways.

Yes, this is what I think is more accurate.
Not the types of dom's that serve women who have low self esteem and daddy issues.

 

[Arianthe]

I'm realizing that with the right man I'm completely submissive. Didn't think I had it in me honestly.

I was frankly astonished at myself. The decision to give up control to him was just about the scariest I've ever made in my life. Best think I ever did though.

 

[DesEsseintes]

I see the feminist ideal as having the right to choose how I live my life, without being judged or discriminated against for my choices on the basis of my gender. It just so happens that a 24/7 D/s relationship makes me happier than any other kind. My life, my choice.

Exactly. When women can choose what is right for them, without pressure from men - be that vanilla, Domme, sub, 24/7 M/s or a little light bondage at Christmas, that, surely, is feminism. I wonder if some feminists who deride housewives, full time mums, the classically feminine, strippers, porn stars, etc, understand the irony of such criticism?

I think the classic misconception is that a Dom/me is "strong" and a sub is "tender(weak)." A more accurate--and healthier--description would be of two people who are each strong and tender in complementary ways.

Again, exactly, Honey. I've said this so often I think I'm becoming something of a stuck record, but a weak sub is offering so much less than a strong sub. I don't want someone merely with a naturally submissive personality: I want them to submit to me. That submission is devalued if it could have been given to almost anyone.

This is scarcely any different from non BDSM relationships, surely - would most men or women want a partner who will have sex with them, but would just as happily have sex with any one of a billion others? Don't most of us want to feel, not as if we were the taxi who happened to pick up, and which could so easily be any other taxi, but a specially booked limo?

 

[decargsiD]

I see the feminist ideal as having the right to choose how I live my life, without being judged or discriminated against for my choices on the basis of my gender. It just so happens that a 24/7 D/s relationship makes me happier than any other kind. My life, my choice.

I don't mean this as a slight against you, but I would have to disagree. I think any hardcore feminist would probably harbor a strong dislike for your Dominant, and maybe a touch of contempt for you, simply because you choose to lay yourself bare for that man.

Personally, I agree with you, on both counts, though I'm not female. A D/s relationship makes me happy as well, and it's my life, so I could care less what other people think about my lifestyle.

But I think the world at large, the "other," tends to shelter feminist views when it comes to D/s. And it's usually difficult to explain to those unfamiliar to the lifestyle what D/s means, and how it can be an extremely pleasurable relationship. Misconceptions abound. I think Honey got part of it right too, that they're each strong in their own way. I like a strong sub. Although she can be tender AND strong.

She just knows her place, and I know mine, and there's never even the smallest confusion about our relationship with each other. And that's one of the things I love about D/s. It's a perfect puzzle. So simple, but so complex.

 

[decargsiD]

Musing at Des' post.

It is the great irony of feminism. Perhaps misconstrued by the people that claim themselves the greatest feminists, taken to an ugly extreme, but yes. Feminism, done right, has only ever been about freedom. But is there anything wrong with that freedom when it comes at the hands of a man? I should think not.

It sounds like status to me, something I never thought of. You (and I) want to be valued by someone that has value in our eyes. I'm sure there was something innate in your submissive that drew you to her; as there was something innate in mine. She's a strong woman, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and a lesser woman would fail to satisfy me. Cringing and begging don't take me very far at all. It's knowing that someone precious and desirable, with the potential to operate and exist completely independent of me, chooses to put that in my hands of her own free will that I find so fascinating. And rewarding.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

It's knowing that someone precious and desirable, with the potential to operate and exist completely independent of me, chooses to put that in my hands of her own free will that I find so fascinating. And rewarding.

I think that is part of what is rewarding for both people.

 

[decargsiD]

I think that is part of what is rewarding for both people.

nodsnods

Generally speaking, I would say that a D/s relationship is a perfect example of chirality. Take something, look at it from one side, and it will often look exactly the same from the other side. At least in my experience.

There was something I read that said "A Dom wants to feel needed. A sub needs to feel wanted." It seemed so true then, and it still seems that way now.

 

[Arianthe]

I don't mean this as a slight against you, but I would have to disagree. I think any hardcore feminist would probably harbor a strong dislike for your Dominant, and maybe a touch of contempt for you, simply because you choose to lay yourself bare for that man.

Personally, I agree with you, on both counts, though I'm not female. A D/s relationship makes me happy as well, and it's my life, so I could care less what other people think about my lifestyle.

I'm not sure what you're disagreeing with. I think it's fairly obvious that not all feminists define the "feminist ideal" in the same way that I do and I see no reason why they should. My lifestyle choice does not make me any less a feminist and I would doubt the motivation, not to mention the sanity, of any hardcore feminist that attempted to argue that I was undermining "the cause." As for their contempt... it's meaningless to me.

 

[decargsiD]

If I could interject a line of questioning into this thread (apologies for the semi-jack), this thread is dedicated to gentleman Doms. It's been my experience that not everyone is suited for such a Dominant.

Ladies, what made you choose such a Dominant, and men, what made you such a Dominant?

(I'll answer my own question at a future point in time.)

 

[decargsiD]

I'm not sure what you're disagreeing with. I think it's fairly obvious that not all feminists define the "feminist ideal" in the same way that I do and I see no reason why they should. My lifestyle choice does not make me any less a feminist and I would doubt the motivation, not to mention the sanity, of any hardcore feminist that attempted to argue that I was undermining "the cause." As for their contempt... it's meaningless to me.

Oh! There were three items in your post. I was disagreeing with the feminist ideal, at least as how it's put forth to the public for consumption. Don't recall ever seeing a feminist talk about finding freedom in any clime, much less that of a man. But I'm probably wrong, as I'm not the most well-read individual on that particular topic. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say you're more of a feminist than most self-proclaimed feminists, because it seems you do cling strongly to your femininity, without holding such a narrow viewpoint.

And I DO doubt their sanity.

And I was agreeing with you that D/s makes you (and me) happy, and it's your (my) life, your (my) choice.

Poorly explained. That's what happens when I hit submit before rereading.

And vice versa, male contempt on the matter is meaningless to me.

 

[Missingout]

Don't want to hijack or step on toes as I'm reading this thread and learning.
Does a woman really want to surrender herself in this way long term? Is it a role play thing that you want to switch on and off or permanent?
For me men and women are equals in every aspect of being. Wouldn't the women want to be the dom at times? I guess I'm not getting the whole part about him always in control.

 

[may_I_please]

Don't want to hijack or step on toes as I'm reading this thread and learning.
Does a woman really want to surrender herself in this way long term? Is it a role play thing that you want to switch on and off or permanent?
For me men and women are equals in every aspect of being. Wouldn't the women want to be the dom at times? I guess I'm not getting the whole part about him always in control.

It's a spectrum surely and depends on your desires. For some its a 24/7 relationship, for others the control they take/give up is purely sexual, or even non-sexual but contained in scenes.

But I agree with comments upthread. Sure people can play the roles with strangers and have a fulfilling play session but the true power exchange comes with knowledge and appreciation of each other. I like what Des said "submission is devalued if it could have been given to anyone" (IMHO so is dominance)

There is no such thing as the perfect dominant or submissive ...they exist in fiction, but the ability to communicate, know and love your partner makes the relationship work

 

[All_4_Love]

This is a long-winded way of finding out, Honey. You could have simply read my bio.

Indeed, this is one of the many, many reasons why I love you, Des. Your confidence in simply immeasurable.