Concerns/Conflicts

[LanaTownsend]

Hello all, I Just joined today and figured this would be an appropriate place to post this, as I don't have many IRL conversations about BDSM, lol.

I recently met a local man off a BDSM/kink site for the interest of cultivating a D/s relationship. I've had this interest for 12 years (since age 15) & have had kinky sex with sexually dominant men but I've never actually had a defined Master. I thought I was ready to finally crossover. This is where things get strange:

- He told me he wasn't able to host
- We've met twice at restaurants and I noticed he pays for our meals in cash
- He said that he would have to get a room to play and it would have to be a hotel that accepts cash

RED FLAGS, huh?

After some mild questioning, he basically told me that he was married (no ring, no tanline or indentation either). I'm still quite new to this but this doesn't feel right. Aside from fucking with a married man, the whole not being able to host and doing stuff in a hotel. Maybe the more experienced Doms can provide insight....isn't it best to have your own space? Being relegated to hotel rooms for D/s endeavors is a good way to get the cops called on you.

First and foremost, I don't feel comfortable fucking with someone's husband. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but please remember, I am still very new to the reality of actually being someone's sub. If it's supposed to be for fun and exploration, I shouldn't be having these conflicts & icky feelings. Maybe I am not ready like I thought?

Checking into hotels with cash aren't the safest anyway. If something were to happen to me, there'd be no proof of him ever checking in. He told me that he could give me cash and I could put in on my card but that's not the point anyway. It's the infidelity thing that bothers me the most. I'd have less of a problem if he appeared to be in an open marriage, but it doesn't sound like he is.

Does this sound odd to you? Am I just tripping? For the more experienced folk, does this sound like a legit Master?

Thank you for reading.

 

[seela]

Based on what you've written it's impossible to say if he sounds like a legit Master. To me he just sounds like someone cheating on his wife and not wanting to get caught. Hence the cash. A lot of people have sex in hotels, a lot of people don't have a designated room or another place for getting their kink on and that doesn't say anything about if their legit or not.

What I'd be uncomfortable with is him not telling he's married until being questioned. That's something I'd expect to get a direct answer to after a simple question. I'd wonder if there's something else he's hiding and not being upfront about.

But to me the most important thing about what you wrote was that you feel like something is off and you don't feel comfortable having sex with a married man. Trust you gut instinct on this.

Welcome to Lit!

 

[All_4_Love]

I’m not coming from a place of judgment here. I had 2 affairs with married men when I was in my 20s. It’s not something I am proud of but I understand why these things happen.

Like you, I also want to explore a D/s relationship. I know that this could entail a married man, so I have given it much thought. At this point, I just don't think I could do it.

The emotional attachment, I would assume, is going to be extremely strong, stronger than any vanilla relationship. He is going to take your mind and body places that a vanilla relationship never would.

The part that I struggle with the most is that, in my mind, when a man or woman is cheating on their partner, they are basically choosing that partner’s choices for them without consent. They are leaving this person in the dark about something mainly because they know that if their partner knew, consequences would ensue. That’s very selfish to take control of someone’s life in that way. I don’t feel that is the type of man I would want to hand over control of myself to, if that is how he handles the control and decisions of other people in his life.

I think you should trust your gut on this. You’re feeling this way for a reason, even aside from the red flags.

I would do what your heart tells you. You deserve it all. Maybe you shouldn't settle.

*hugs* and good luck.

 

[DesEsseintes]

The emotional attachment, I would assume, is going to be extremely strong, stronger than any vanilla relationship. He is going to take your mind and body places that a vanilla relationship never would.

I agree with everything else you wrote - there are certainly flags being raised here, and not pretty ones. But I cannot agree with this. There are shallow D/s relationships, and astonishingly profound vanilla relationships. My grandparents wouldn't know what a paddle was unless it were in a boat, and had the strongest relationship I have ever known: 62 years of marriage, each still playing footsie and holding hands and giggling over private jokes into their late 80s. Each swore the other was the most beautiful person in the world. And when my grandmother died, although there was nothing 'wrong' with my grandfather, it was less than a month before he followed her.

There is a wide old world of relationships out there, and no one type has any monopoly on depth of feeling. I'm not trying to criticize, because I understand why you would make the statement you did. But I sometimes wonder if what some of us are trying to recreate, consciously and analytically, is what some of our grandparents and older generations simply lived, without even having to think about it.

Anyway - sorry to derail. As I said, the issue is less cash/hotels and more the wider one of trust. My two penn'orth, anyway.

 

[All_4_Love]

I agree with everything else you wrote - there are certainly flags being raised here, and not pretty ones. But I cannot agree with this. There are shallow D/s relationships, and astonishingly profound vanilla relationships. My grandparents wouldn't know what a paddle was unless it were in a boat, and had the strongest relationship I have ever known: 62 years of marriage, each still playing footsie and holding hands and giggling over private jokes into their late 80s. Each swore the other was the most beautiful person in the world. And when my grandmother died, although there was nothing 'wrong' with my grandfather, it was less than a month before he followed her.

There is a wide old world of relationships out there, and no one type has any monopoly on depth of feeling. I'm not trying to criticize, because I understand why you would make the statement you did. But I sometimes wonder if what some of us are trying to recreate, consciously and analytically, is what some of our grandparents and older generations simply lived, without even having to think about it.

Anyway - sorry to derail. As I said, the issue is less cash/hotels and more the wider one of trust. My two penn'orth, anyway.

That's so true, Des. It's the absolute trust that creates the bond. Your story reminds me of 2 people in my life that touched me forever. I have never seen anything like it before. He was definitely the leader and a very dominant man. She was the most gentle and submissive woman I've ever known. I idolized her. They had absolute trust and adoration for each other. She followed him in everything he did.

Also, like your grandparents, she died less than 2 weeks after he did. I have always felt there is something so profound about that, although I have never been able to put it into words.

 

[Netzach]

heel n. (slang) married guy who proposes fucking on the sly with the announcement that he's married.

shitheel n. (slang) married guy who proposes fucking with no intent to announce his status until sometime in the future.

Whether you can screw with either or neither of them is really a matter of personal morality or amorality, but I think that's the deciding distinction.

 

[Primalex]

I'm coughing up blood and don't breathe well. Should I see a doctor?

 

[StrayKat]

To be honest, he sounds like someone you dont trust, any other point would be moot for me after that. I played with a Top I had absolutely no emotional involvement with and it was great. I dont need to be madly in love to have kinky sex with someone and enjoy it. I dont need him to be a perfect, breathtaking, totally experienced Dom either. Trust, on the other hand, is mandatory for me. And ability to laugh together to some point.

Married or not, we dont always get to pick. I would never intentionally aim at a married man but shit happens. You cant avoid meeting people and sometimes falling for people. If someone would try to hide the fact that he is married that would, again, bring me to the point of trust and be a deal breaker.

 

[DesEsseintes]

I'm coughing up blood and don't breathe well. Should I see a doctor?

A doctor is no good to you by now. You want a priest. Or, at the very outside, the local wise woman, who'll give you a poultice made from adders' tongues and tell you to drink it by a midnight full moon.

 

[All_4_Love]

but shit happens. You cant avoid meeting people and sometimes falling for people.

Is this why I have fallen for you?

I really thought we had more than just "shit happens"...

but, if that's all it is for you, then... I guess I'll take it.

Shit happens.

 

[StrayKat]

Is this why I have fallen for you?

I really thought we had more than just "shit happens"...

but, if that's all it is for you, then... I guess I'll take it.

Shit happens.

Darling, I wasnt referring to you

But after all, I am married you know

 

[All_4_Love]

But after all, I am married you know

Well, then it's a good thing shit happens, darling.

I'm going to find my cat suit. I think you should marry me, too.

 

[StrayKat]

I think you should marry me, too.

I would love to.

And my husband would probably be thrilled.

 

[pensivepoet]

I used to have a hat that said "shit happens"
I was wearing it when i damn near died on an alaskan mntn.
It woulda been funny if all they found was my bones, some bear scat, and a hat that says "shit happens"
Almost did

 

[IrisAlthea]

Does this sound odd to you? Am I just tripping? For the more experienced folk, does this sound like a legit Master?

Thank you for reading.

Well, even if it did sound like the most normal thing in the world to everyone else, it wouldn't really matter because you are obviously not comfortable with it.

Also, I would make the same distinction as Netzach.
He didn't just set out to cheat on his wife, but he intended to keep you in the dark about it. When people show you how they intend to treat you, I think it's good policy to pay attention.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Well, even if it did sound like the most normal thing in the world to everyone else, it wouldn't really matter because you are obviously not comfortable with it.

This cannot be said enough. "Married guy cheats on wife" is about as "normal" as it gets, but that doesn't mean you're obliged to play along.

Also, I would make the same distinction as Netzach.
He didn't just set out to cheat on his wife, but he intended to keep you in the dark about it. When people show you how they intend to treat you, I think it's good policy to pay attention.

Uh-huh. This man doesn't seem trustworthy for a vanilla relationship, let alone for BDSM.

 

[All_4_Love]

I used to have a hat that said "shit happens"
I was wearing it when i damn near died on an alaskan mntn.
It woulda been funny if all they found was my bones, some bear scat, and a hat that says "shit happens"
Almost did

I'm really glad you're still around, P-poet. *hug*

 

[All_4_Love]

Uh-oh...

Sorry for being chatty on this thread. I better start hanging out over in the playground.

 

[pensivepoet]

I'm really glad you're still around, P-poet. *hug*

Thnx A4L, i'm always there, lurking over your shoulder.

 

[All_4_Love]

Thnx A4L, i'm always there, lurking over your shoulder.

Hey! Wait a minute; that's not fair!

I only lurk in your poetry thread!

 

[pensivepoet]

Hey! Wait a minute; that's not fair!

I only lurk in your poetry thread!

So you're the one! I noticed footprints in the dust and 2 beers missing from the fridge

 

[All_4_Love]

So you're the one! I noticed footprints in the dust and 2 beers missing from the fridge

Oh dear...

Yes, it was I, but I did not touch the bourbon in the cabinet. Somehow, I just knew better.

 

[CutieMouse]

It doesn't really matter if it's kinky standard operating procedure or not. You aren't comfortable; therefore you aren't obligated to agree/ continue.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

If he was a real Master he would have a dungeon in his house equipped with the finest leather works and different BDSM equipment dedicated to each part of the sub's body.

But alas, he is NO real Master.

On a serious note, the majority of people don't have a dedicated "BDSM room" in their house. For most people that room is their bedroom.

Doing D/s or BDSM or kinky sex in a hotel room is just fine. As long as you remember where you are and don't yell and scream or do anything to bother your neighbors then you should be all good.

 

[SinfulSailor]

I don't get it how people can tell other people that they don't run/manage/dominate their own marriage/relationship and can still get away with claiming they are "dominant".

I mean.... if they're sneaking, then they are obviously submitting to the desires/rules/domination of the wife/husband/whatever. That is submission.