More Humour

[Handley_Page]

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

Little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,"
he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

 

[Eroticalover1968]

My first wife had magic powers. She put her hand on my knee, and I turned into a motel.

 

[Handley_Page]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

 

[BonBon1976]

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[fma20fma]

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/QUOTE]

some attorny practicing law. i always suspected he was born brainless.

 

[Handley_Page]

That last one is a real classic

 

[Sammael Bard]

Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder.

Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game?

Little Jack: Ok

Little Johnny: penis

Little Jack: Penis

Little Johnny: PEnis

Little Jack: PENis

Little Johnny: PENIS!

Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW!

Little Johnny: Okay

--2 Minutes Later--

Little Johnny Over the Intercom: PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Sammael Bard]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.

‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you’re gonna die."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.

‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you’re gonna die."

When I originally heard this one it was a snake bite to the penis.

 

[Sammael Bard]

When I originally heard this one it was a snake bite to the penis.

Variations happen....when I heard it, it was on the ass

 

[Handley_Page]

Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (aren't you glad you don't live in Indonesia?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some politicians like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(reminds me of the politicians)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Turtles can breathe through their asses.

 

[Handley_Page]

The military are a great source of acronyms:-


ARMY: Arn't Ready to be Marines Yet!

ARMY: AF Rejected Me Yesterday

BOHICA: Bend Over, Here It Comes Again!

BUFF: Big Ugly Fat Fuck (Hercules C130)

CRS: Can't Remember Shit!

CUNT: Cilvilan under navel Training

DILLIGAF: Does it look like I give a fuck!

EUSTIS: Even Uncle Sam Thinks It Sucks!

F.A.R.T.: Flatulent Airborne Reaction Team

FIDO: Fuck It, Drive On!

FIFO: Fit In or Fuck Off!

FILTAB: Fuck it, let's take a break!

FT EUSTIS: Fuck This, Even Uncle Sam Thinks It
Sucks!

FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair!

FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond Any Recognition

G2G: Good To Go!

I&I: Intoxication and Intercourse.

KMD: Kiss My Dick!

LGH: Let's Go Home!

MARINE: Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not
Essential

MARINES: My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment, Sir!

MRE: Meals Rejected by Ethiopians!

MRE: Meals Rejected by the Enemy!

PFC: Proud Fuckin' Civilian!

S&E: Salute 'N Execute!

SHIT: Special High Intensity Training!

SNAFU: Situation Normal, All Fucked Up!

SWAG: Scientific Wild Ass Guess!

TARFU: Things Are Really Fucked Up.

TEWT: Training Exercise Without Troops.

TURD: Trainee Under Rigid Discipline.

USCG: Uncle Sam's Confused Group

USMC: Uncle Sams Misguided Childern

USMC: U Suckers Missed Christmas

 

[Sammael Bard]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.

All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line

''How much for a ride to the airport?,'' he asked.

''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.

''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went.

Then, as theydrove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

I think starfish reincarnate as politicians.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Turtles can breathe through their asses. politicians speak.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some politicians like that.)
i thought it would be apt to say most of them had brains the size of mustard.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

I think starfish reincarnate as politicians.

Actually, I think politicians evolve into starfish—which are the higher form of life.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Actually, I think politicians evolve into starfish—which are the higher form of life.

i wish they dont eolve at all, and continue their stay in hell for ever.

 

[TE999]

An elderly woman is strolling along the sidewalk when she sees a small boy coming towards her leading a dog on a leash.

When they meet, she says "Good morning young man, how are you today?"

"Good morning, ma'am," the boy replies, I'm fine. How are you?"

'What a pleasant little fellow' she thinks, then says, "I am fine as well. What a nice little dog you have there."

"Thank you, ma'am."

"What's his name?"

"His name is Porky."

"What an interesting name for a dog. Why do you call him Porky?"

"'Cause he likes to fuck pigs."

 

[Sammael Bard]

How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?

1. F__ K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. __ NDOM

Now, don't cheat. You can do it!
.
.
.
.
Done? Check your answers and your subsequent score below.
.
.
.
.
Answers

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM


Scoring

6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.

5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.

4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.

3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.

2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.

1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.

0 Correct: What a pervert!

 

[SweetMaj]

How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?

1. F__ K


2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. __ NDOM

Now, don't cheat. You can do it!
.
.
.
.
Done? Check your answers and your subsequent score below.
.
.
.
.
Answers

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM


Scoring

6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.

5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.

4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.

3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.

2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.

1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.

0 Correct: What a pervert!

I'm a pervert.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I'm a pervert.

We already knew that, Maj!

 

[Sammael Bard]

I'm a pervert.

Aren't we all?

We already knew that, Maj!

 

[Hypoxia]

I'm a pervert.

Aren't we all?

If everyone is a pervert (tending toward abnormal activities) then there is no perversion; the 'perversion' is normal. It's just like, everyone can't be below average -- only half of us.

Since most humans have sex, the only sexual perversion is chastity.

Since most humans think about sex, a normal activity, then filling-in the blanks (above) to produce non-sexual terms is perverse.

QED have fun.

 

[SweetMaj]

Aren't we all?