FAWC 5: Line, Please!

[SecondCircle]

I don't know... I think people in that situation can be creeped out enough that their brain plays tricks on them and makes them THINK that an eyeball winked at them. In that kind of story I could even find it a plausible enough reaction.

Ah, our good doctor is in. It is... doctor, yes? In any case, excellent choice with the rum and coke. I hope you don't mind if it's rum heavy.

Quoted above you make a very good point. I think this is WHY shea still managed the same effect with this eyeball thing. Because I was somewhere in between "can that actually happen" and "did that actually happen". So I was there with Clara being startled in a sense.

Your dialog Doc. I did kind of see the giddy thing, as I mentioned. And that is very realistic. I guess what made this lighthearted deal kind of not click was how... cool they were with this revelation of attraction. Surely there would be a bit more confusion or hesitance ormaybe shock? It worked as it is, but didn't fully blossom into this emotional experience it could have been. Just my opinion of course.

 

[SecondCircle]

Whoa wait... where's Ellie? Did she already get in the cab? I just put AC/DC on the box. Lemme try to remember... Games She Plays? Right?

I know you covered it a while ago, but I was curious how you actually came to be inspired to write this particular concept with those three items. And the woman... wife... was it more of her story really, or about the husbands complacency in the marriage that he couldn't tame a wild spirit? Maybe I'm overthinking it.

 

[drteetho]

Ah, our good doctor is in. It is... doctor, yes? In any case, excellent choice with the rum and coke. I hope you don't mind if it's rum heavy.

Quoted above you make a very good point. I think this is WHY shea still managed the same effect with this eyeball thing. Because I was somewhere in between "can that actually happen" and "did that actually happen". So I was there with Clara being startled in a sense.

Your dialog Doc. I did kind of see the giddy thing, as I mentioned. And that is very realistic. I guess what made this lighthearted deal kind of not click was how... cool they were with this revelation of attraction. Surely there would be a bit more confusion or hesitance ormaybe shock? It worked as it is, but didn't fully blossom into this emotional experience it could have been. Just my opinion of course.

Yes, you can refer to me as doctor, as long as it's in the "I'm not a doctor but I play one on TV" sense.

And yes, rum-heavy is cool.

Your opinion is definitely valid. Something else for me to consider when I revise. A little more tension might not be a bad thing, though I'd like to keep it light, so...

I think I commented on your story, though I don't know if I was overly insightful. I know I liked it and found it a good read. I also have to admit that after reading your "director's commentary", I'm not sure if I can add any other comments you might find helpful. Oh well.

 

[SecondCircle]

Yes, you can refer to me as doctor, as long as it's in the "I'm not a doctor but I play one on TV" sense.

And yes, rum-heavy is cool.

Your opinion is definitely valid. Something else for me to consider when I revise. A little more tension might not be a bad thing, though I'd like to keep it light, so...

I think I commented on your story, though I don't know if I was overly insightful. I know I liked it and found it a good read. I also have to admit that after reading your "director's commentary", I'm not sure if I can add any other comments you might find helpful. Oh well.

There's always something helpful to add. Any thoughts at all. I am the first to realize when there are things in my own story that make me cringe. Parts that dragged on or seemed sort of unrealistic or rather implausible (other that any paranormal elements). And too are things that worked well in contrast. As AMB pointed out, my two main characters paled in comparison to the two entities haunting them.

One thing that was enticing about yours was the actual sexual
element at the end. I guess honestly? I see that scenario as "plausible" because I've seen girlfriends become girlfriends. Like not first hand mind you, but someone was kind of led into her... girl love, by a friend. And I feel like the sex toward the end of the lighthearted "friendliness" was indicative of that inspiration you used. Or may have used.

 

[Blind_Justice]

Well then, someone hand me that white cane, I'm outta here.

 

[JKendallDane]

"Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
Sorry, I'm not going to feel the guilt for not reading a 20,000-word "short" story."

Nowhere was it stated any story had to be "short." Your resistance to reading anything beyond a certain length seems both ridiculous and insulting to me and anyone else who has written a story more than three pages long. It would be like anyone else saying they aren't going to read yours because there was a bisexual character in it. The arbitrariness of it is what's insulting.

At the risk of starting up a shit storm, I want to give that comment a standing ovation!

What I find the most insulting...and narcissistic...is that pilot writes and enters a six page story for the contest and expects everyone to read and fawn over it, but then proceeds to flip off everyone else that entered anything more than two or three pages.

What is truly amazing is that he sees nothing at all wrong with doing so.

 

[xelliebabex]

Whoa wait... where's Ellie? Did she already get in the cab? I just put AC/DC on the box. Lemme try to remember... Games She Plays? Right?

I know you covered it a while ago, but I was curious how you actually came to be inspired to write this particular concept with those three items. And the woman... wife... was it more of her story really, or about the husbands complacency in the marriage that he couldn't tame a wild spirit? Maybe I'm overthinking it.

Hiya SecondCircle, being an Aussie I was at work when you tried to bring this thread back to what it was meant for and I know everyone really appreciates your efforts

Yes I wrote in post 1210: As for mine, everyone kept looking for a second page and wondering whether i had sent in an unfinished copy but, I had meant it that way... I had meant just to show the man's emotions as he went through dread to relief... It obviously needed more I will take all those comments on board but it was meant to be that way and deserved the rating it got
When i wrote it the discussion was going on about fawk 6 being a short one page limit and or having no names, I liked the idea and tried to do it that way because it is so different to how i usually write and agonize over character names. It's probably not surprising that the regulars didn't guess it was me.

My original concept was to treat the items as clues in a scavenger hunt type of way, where she would lead him on a day filled with memory and emotion through the five friends, (name of the book), the handkerchief (she was never without one and there was special significance to that one) and the butter knife stolen from a tea house and used to carve initials in a tree (badly emphasis on bluntness and ensuing hilarity). I had a very tragic emotionally charged ending planned, which I may still write at some time.

But life happened in a sort of surreal way at the time and after a week of looking at it and being unable to continue it, I sent it in as it was because i liked it as a journey through his emotions and couldn't bare at the time to write through mine.

Once again I apologise to everyone who thought i left it hanging to much, but i did intend to it to post as it did. I liked it and was happy with it for what it was but of course i knew the story behind it and gave me a different perspective, which i can see now would have irritated people who did not. My mistake but I truly thank everyone who commented because as much as their irritation with me showed, the comments were still constructive and in many ways flattering that people felt anything at all.

Keep playing that AC/DC Second Circle and I will sing along with ya "Thundah! Nanananana.."

 

[yesterdays]

I don't know... I think people in that situation can be creeped out enough that their brain plays tricks on them and makes them THINK that an eyeball winked at them. In that kind of story I could even find it a plausible enough reaction.

Just a humble reader here, but I really liked that wink! That was one of the scariest and best parts of the story for me.++

I cared enough about the characters that I was sad and disturbed that it turned into a blood-curdling murder at the end. This shows the talent of the Sheablue, but I wished they could have had hot sex instead. I know that would have been a very different story, but I wonder if somehow the possession element could be kept without it going all the way to murder?

 

[yesterdays]

MSTarot: I very much hope you will make Inspiration and Desperation into a series. The longer the better. What a *great* start!

 

[yesterdays]

Account for a Bullet: stlgoddessfreya

You mentioned in an earlier post that you wanted to make your story even shorter. No! Longer, please. This was my favorite story in the contest (although really I had a lot of favorites), and yet it seemed to me like the fragment of a longer tale. As much as I liked it, I also felt like the moment when they first actually move to sex is too briefly described. I think more detail there would be good. What precisely do they say, feel, and do at this magic moment when the barriers come down? Finally, I imagine you're going to ignore this, but you said you don't normally write things that are this "sweet," or something to that effect. I think Bullet definitely had some edge and suffering in it. That, of course, made the parts that were sweet and erotic even more powerful. But I think you write off sweet too easily. I think you obviously can do stories like that *very* well, and I hope you'll make that part of your mix as an author.

 

[yesterdays]

PennLady: What a talent for comedy you have! Empires for the Stars, starting with the title, is truly funny. Although clearly it's a FAWC story, it's a classic that deserves to live on. And, more than that, I wonder if you might consider making one of the fragments into a longer comedy story that keeps the smiles and laughs, but also ups the actual sex quotient. I think laughing and getting turned on at the same time is a magical and weird area that you could somehow make work.

 

[Aynmair]

MSTarot: I very much hope you will make Inspiration and Desperation into a series. The longer that better. What a *great* start!

I second that. The characters were very compelling and I wanted to be with them longer...

 

[SecondCircle]

Ah our friend Yesterdays. Good to see ya. I've got a pounding headache from our night at the FAWC bar so it's kinda turned into a cafe for a spell. But you're more than welcome to this seat over here. FAWC ain't just for the authors afterall, you were a valued reader this time.

Much of your thoughts echoed mine. I'm glad you brought up Inspiration and Desperation. I loved that concept. In a way it kind of mirrored this challenge with folks looking upon those three items and trying to paint everyone a unique picture. My favorite part was that process the MC took on when he thought deeper about those items on the table and painted his masterpiece. That too mirrored all of our creative processes. It was really awesome and well described.

On that note, anybody read Heirlooms? What about the imagery in that story? Or the trips back through that family's tragic tale reading from that book? That work for everybody? You know in a way I was kinda wanting more than just reading the old tale to find the backstory, but I also liked it because it was like I was scanning the pages of an old dusty tome and snapping back to the dark room as he did. So it had this effect I think that was trying to be achieved but did leave me wanting for more... activity? And how bout that... thing? The sister?

Ellie, time differences are a drag, but stay awhile. I really liked the original idea you discussed with the scavenger hunt. I did get that feel as the story progressed, like that was going to happen. Should you flesh that all the way out, I'd wanna read that and explore their "games" more in depth. It was pretty evident that you ran outta time. The foundations were there and they were so good. It was clear from just the section you submitted that you had the skill for a longer story that left no stone unturned. You gotta go back to it. People wanting a second page meant that you hooked them for that long right? They wanted to see it play out.

... No I didn't just spike my coffee....

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Hey SC! I'd love to hang out and talk stories. I spiked my coffee with...more coffee!

Inspiration, Empires, and Cooking were three stories I thought were more about the feeling of creating from a prompt than anything else. I think it's amazing how those three different writers tokk the same idea in three totally different directions.

Inspiration is a character study without much action and surprisingly chaste. We're all a little in love with Cynthia now, right? But it's because she's so funny, such a deft tease.

Empires is straight-up satire with no characters or consistent action except the author writing. This read almost like an in-joke to me, perfectly pitched to the FAWC audience, but I'll be curious to see how it does outside.

Cooking was a double-smut Oreo with clean technicals. What about that fruit fetish? I love it when an author can take something you've never thought about before that's kinda funny (I can't be the only one who cracked up thinking about that guy going to town on a watermelon) and make you see how it would be a turn-on. The reason Cooking didn't do as well as Empires, in my opinion, is that the language of the story - within - the story wasn't any different than the main narrative. It wouldn't have been effective if it was as over the top as the differences in Empires, but a noticeable difference would have made both parts really pop.

I don't think there's any more story to tell in either Empires or Cooking, and although I like the characters in Inspiration very much and wouldn'tind seeing their relationship (and painting class) progress, it would require getting rid of the current ending, which I loved.

I tend to feel stories are complete as written, even when they're short. In fact, I usually would cut several paragraphs off the end of half the stories I read. I'm the same way with movies. Of course, I like a somewhat ambiguous ending, as you can see from my two FAWCklets.

 

[PennLady]

To PennLady, I mentioned in a comment how you were able to change your "voice". For a moment there, (and a couple more moments) I was actually buying into some of your attempts because of how well you could write particular categories. I could believe a sci fi from the way you write or a fantasy or mystery. Though your "author" couldn't settle on one, it was pretty clear you could take any category and run with it. You write any sci fi or anything different? I know you can do romance easily, but any thoughts on those others?

I have a bunch of stuff I'd like to write, in various starting stages, and there is some scifi and fantasy in there. Starting when I was a teenager, fourteen or so, I read a TON of sf/f for ages. Not exclusively, but pretty close. So I think when you read a lot, or a lot of a genre, some of it seeps in and you learn to adopt the tone, the ideas, etc.

I think my problem is that I have these stories that don't necessarily need to be erotic, but since I usually post here, I often try to think of ways to add a romantic element (because that's often the easiest in for sex for me in my stories). Obviously I don't have to post them here, but I'm kind of used to it and enjoy the feedback. But we shall see.

I wrote four nonhuman stories when I first started posting, but took them down to e-publish them. My publisher went under and now I'm torn between just publishing them myself, or fixing them and then publishing. And by fix I mean serious overhaul. My husband thinks it's unnecessary, but...

I liked this aspect, as well. And I'm totally cool with Gavin killing himself because he is duty bound, I just missed whether is was because the oracle told him to, or because they were late. I'll have to go back and look at the ending.

I can feel details fading already -- happens when I binge read like I did here -- but I recall no problems with Gavin's death. For one thing, when it was first mentioned as a possibility, I knew that the handkerchief would save him. Also, it made sense for the character. And I, like so many others, drew immediate "Gunslinger" comparisons even though I haven't read that in years. And I mean those comparisons in a good way.

As for SC's request, and as far as the dialogue in my story went... I wanted to show that my main characters were nervous, and it's been my experience that young women of that age often laugh and giggle when they are nervous. Not saying they all do, but some definitely do. I think most of you that read my story thought I overdid it, and that will be one of the things I change and tighten up when I get around to fixing and submitting an improved version.

This is actually something I struggle with sometimes when reading stories. So many times I read about what are likely common traits or experiences for characters, but I have nothing in my life that matches it. I was not a giggly 20-year-old, and I didn't really know any. When I was 20, I was in college, going from junior to senior year.

And one thing that that put me off was this:

She hated the fact she was leaving her teen years behind. She wasn't looking forward to getting ever closer to adulthood and responsibility.

Again, I didn't know anyone like this although I'm sure they're out there. But at twenty you've already spent two years in college (well, a lot of us anyway, and it seemed that way for Dani), and most people are in fact itching to get away from their teen years. It's fine to be nervous about what the future holds, but this line made Dani seem pretty childish, to me, and unless we're talking about a child, that's not an appealing characteristic.

However, on the whole I thought the story was sweet and seemed pretty plausible for a FF first time, especially when one of the women probably never gave much thought to such a thing.

PennLady: What a talent for comedy you have! Empires for the Stars, starting with the title, is truly funny. Although clearly it's a FAWC story, it's a classic that deserves to live on. And, more than that, I wonder if you might consider making one of the fragments into a longer comedy story that keeps the smiles and laughs, but also ups the actual sex quotient. I think laughing and getting turned on at the same time is a magical and weird area that you could somehow make work.

I would love to write something funny and have a vampire story like that in the works. It would be fun to take some of the other genres and run with those too, if I could. I'm glad you enjoyed this one; it was one of those things where it made me laugh, but I wasn't sure how it would work for other people.

Empires is straight-up satire with no characters or consistent action except the author writing. This read almost like an in-joke to me, perfectly pitched to the FAWC audience, but I'll be curious to see how it does outside.

I'll be curious too. No question it was kind of tailored to FAWC, and so the question is will it stand on its own without that, or can I make it stand on its own without a whole lot of fiddling about.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

One thing that I really enjoyed about this FAWC were the number of fantasy and horror stories. I'm not sure if this was due to the nature of the writers, or just the way the starting sentence hit people (a book and a knife make me think of fantasy or horror almost immediately, a hanky makes me think of Doc Holiday coughing up blood), but, either way, it was a treat for me.

I grew up on those two genres. Back before I knew a gerund from a ghazal, I loved books about magic, wondrous foreign places, and what occupied the dark corners of those places. Authors like Weiss and Hickman, David Eddings, Robert Jordan, C.S. Friedman, and Raymond Feist, were the first people who made me want to become a writer, who made me love books, shaped my style, long before I stumbled into the ambitious workings of the modern masters like David Foster Wallace, Thomas Pynchon, Don Delilo, and Cormac McCarthy.

I rarely read the genres anymore. I go to great lengths not to; I make reading lists and force myself to adhere to them, simulating the college experience, pushing myself into uncomfortable territory. Otherwise, I won't do it. Truth is, if I get too close to my first loves, I end up with my nose in a book for the rest of the week, just soaking it up. You never get over that first love.

That in mind, this FAWC was a treat for me. I got to read so many good stories by wonderful authors in the styles that are like remembered honey on my lips. I was so impressed, not just with the execution, but by how varied the different "fantasy" and "horror" pieces were. It really showed the versatility of the opening line, and, more, how malleable the genres are themselves, despite being often maligned as being "all the same".

"Mesmerized" had a great, self-aware gypsy feel, kind of purposely cliche, but bringing new eyes to the seance situation. Reminded me a bit of "Big", with the Zoltar machine that walks the line between kitsch and oddly disturbing--where you start to laugh it off, but your snicker comes out a tad more uncomfortable than you would like, maybe a bit afraid. It certainly grew all the way up by the time it hit that intensely erotic knife scene. It was something unexpected wrapped inside the familiar confines of the predictably unauthentic. I loved that part of it.

"Lorelei's Call" had another distinct feel to it, like a great fable, real folksy, with both the short, tight nature of a oral story and the humor and familiarity that make such tales unforgettable--it even had a moral. It worked in trope beautifully, and the pace-back writing style worked so well. I could almost hear the story, and it seemed right at home with those great European tales that are part mythology, part campfire story.

Unfortunately, on "The True Oracle", I did not have the benefit of having read the Dark Tower series (I know! For shame! I'll get around to it. Promise). So, to me, this one actually had a bit of an anime vibe--with the badass warrior and his innocent charge making their way across a gasping world where technology and magic blend together in a sort of genre mash-up. It had that kind of scope to me, epic and fan-pleasing, dynamic, to the point where I could almost hear the soundtrack in the back during certain parts--electric guitar riffs, dramatic sensibilities. This one seemed like a highly commercially viable piece, big "cool" factor, and I hope it does well when you release it, slyc.

The dark fairytale of the bunch, "The Midnight Ball", took the prompt in yet another direction, by taking an innocent story we all know, and lacing it with deadly nightshade. I've seen it done before, but rarely this effectively, or this deftly. If "Lorelei's Call" was Aesop's Fables, this was the nightmare Aesop had later that night after eating a whole bag of chili peppers. A wonderful submission that I think will really take off once it is categorized in EH where it belongs.

"Reunion" was especially fun for me, as it read, to me, at least, like a sort of filthy R.A. Salvatore book--which I loved as an early teen. This was such a delightfully memory for me, an homage to pen and paper role-playing games. It was like rolling d20s off a naked woman's breasts--fun and just the right amount of naughty, and unlike some of the others, I actually thought the sex here was hot. Also, the end confrontation wasn't a let down to me. The build-up to the hot, quick flash reminded me so much of Conan, another character that I loved as a kid, and Robert E. Howard's infamously short, bloody, visceral, final fight scenes. This was a love letter written with a dragon bone pen.

I've already talked a great deal about "Of Roses and Thorns" so I won't spend much time on it here. This was your literary ghost tale, a symbolic haunting, smartly written, deeply personal, heartbreaking and described with vigor. Poe with a touch of Chekov.

"Bluetooth" never specifies its time period, or if it does, I don't remember. To me, it had a "Minority Report" edge to it, futuristic and creepy, technology as a key to our darker pursuits. Reminded me a lot of Ursula K. Le Guin--brilliantly plotted, creative, disturbingly relevant, and told from exactly the right distance. This was a modern story with a classic horror feel.

I loved comics as an adolescent. Not just the standard superhero fare, but the old stuff, the creepy, demented, pulp comics like Tales from the Crypt and Eerie. They hailed from back when the comic book was almost a propaganda piece, a small, easily concealable book that could contain shocking and disturbing stories that were considered bad taste at the time. Zombies and werewolves, graphically presented, were once almost as frowned upon as pornography. It was a dark secret the author shared with you when reading those comics--and I would sit in my room after my mom had gone to sleep, flashlight under the covers, and conspire. "Heirlooms of a Wicked Time" encapsulated that feel so well. It won me over almost immediately. It was a thrilling experience for me that affected me so much, that afterward I broke out my stash and read that night. I found myself particularly drawn to Alan Moore's "Swampthing". Swampthing and the Lovely...now that would be a messed up sex scene.

Edit: I actually wrote a fantasy piece to this prompt, as well that was in a different direction, too. It's like a modern mythological dark comedy that I hope doesn't freaking suck. If it is half as good as most of these, I will be pretty pleased.

 

[SecondCircle]

PennLady

I think you're right, that when you read a certain type of story or one that has a certain flow and vibe, you start to pick up on those things and add their flavors to your own recipe. To AMB's point, I'm pretty sure we were all avid readers long before we picked up the pen. I read quite a bit of fantasy as a kid, and a shit ton of horror as I grew older. It was pretty neat to join F5 and see all the dark tales and fantasy elements, and what I noticed is everyone was capable of writing the stuff well. Kind of like a nostalgic trip to the future....

I could tell that you have read and written plenty of the content
you wrote PennLady. Only those that truly understand the categories can successfully make a good parody of them in my opinion. Thats why your voice was so clear. That's intriguing. I always just pegged you for mostly romance. I'd heard you say something of nonhuman before but I've slept since then. It'd be very cool to see you flex some of that multicategory muscle in the future.

As per your thoughts on writing something and then kind of adding in the erotic element, I know where you're coming from. I make it a point to do "hobby" writing off site as well. A good scene or story comes to mind that I love, and I write it and save it. Most of those I can't fill in an erotic part though.

One thing I was pleased to see though concerning that: the erotic or sexual elements in these stories did NOT feel stapled to the story. Oracle did amazingly well at it. The way she had those visions... damn that just flowed right into the plot. It could have been those two "just fell in love and had hawt sex" but slyc poured it into the pot to blend. The zantrist brought herself to climax in this part voodoo, part cult, part greek god kind of way, and it seemed when she orgasmed or pleased something enough, IT spoke through her. That was awesome and kept me immersed.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

So how about Heirlooms? For me, it had a serious Lovecraft vibe without any Cthulhu mythos, which is good. That's hard to do well. I loved the atmosphere, but if it had been my story I would have inserted "excerpts" from the book written as first-person entries showing the havoc and inevitability of the curse and showed a skeptical reaction for the protagonist...even as he sinks further into reality warping around him without noticing.

I'm also not sure how I would have done the end. I think I would have cut it without his realization of what was happening, leaving the reader alone to know. Thoughts?

 

[AMoveableBeast]

So how about Heirlooms? For me, it had a serious Lovecraft vibe without any Cthulhu mythos, which is good. That's hard to do well. I loved the atmosphere, but if it had been my story I would have inserted "excerpts" from the book written as first-person entries showing the havoc and inevitability of the curse and showed a skeptical reaction for the protagonist...even as he sinks further into reality warping around him without noticing.

I'm also not sure how I would have done the end. I think I would have cut it without his realization of what was happening, leaving the reader alone to know. Thoughts?

I like that suggested ending, very classy. Still, the one MST chose was more classic, almost traditional. I can see any argument for both.

The journal entries...I'd have to see them. Could be a great, adding authenticity and atmosphere, or it could just distract from the story and bog it down.

 

[Blind_Justice]

@Beast:

Interesting choice of authors in regards to "Reunion". I shamelessly admit that all your assumptions are bang on target. I'm an almost religious D&D game master since the early '90s, Salvatore was my idol (until he castrated Drizzt in the later novels and turned him into an angsty, whiny teenager) and I've learned to read on my Dad's sci-fi, horror and fantasy paperbacks. Lovecraft, Howard, Moorcock, van Lustbader and Asimov were the ones that left a lasting mark on my tastes and my writing

As for the ending: I thought about a spectacular showdown, demon summonings, fireballs, the whole shebang, but felt it would detract from the scene rather than add to it. This was meant to be about characters, not spell lists, and going for a good ol' stabbing felt much more personal.

What I DID forget to do (and Freya was so kind to remind me) was to show that Meruru could be anything but a horny slut. She handled Rhomar's initial assault quite well, but in my rewrite I will add one or two scenes showing her outside the bedroom as well, to make sure the reader gets that she is indeed a worthy villain.

One thing, or rather character, I'm pretty happy with is the imp. Initially, he was just a side character, representing the dark forces Rhomar was utilizing. In my initial draft, Rhomar would beat Meruru and wonder what to do next, now that his life's work was done. My lady love suggested that cold-blooded murder shouldn't go unpunished and so I expanded the imp's role a bit to what is in the story now.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

@Beast:

Interesting choice of authors in regards to "Reunion". I shamelessly admit that all your assumptions are bang on target. I'm an almost religious D&D game master since the early '90s, Salvatore was my idol (until he castrated Drizzt in the later novels and turned him into an angsty, whiny teenager) and I've learned to read on my Dad's sci-fi, horror and fantasy paperbacks. Lovecraft, Howard, Moorcock, van Lustbader and Asimov were the ones that left a lasting mark on my tastes and my writing

As for the ending: I thought about a spectacular showdown, demon summonings, fireballs, the whole shebang, but felt it would detract from the scene rather than add to it. This was meant to be about characters, not spell lists, and going for a good ol' stabbing felt much more personal.

What I DID forget to do (and Freya was so kind to remind me) was to show that Meruru could be anything but a horny slut. She handled Rhomar's initial assault quite well, but in my rewrite I will add one or two scenes showing her outside the bedroom as well, to make sure the reader gets that she is indeed a worthy villain.

One thing, or rather character, I'm pretty happy with is the imp. Initially, he was just a side character, representing the dark forces Rhomar was utilizing. In my initial draft, Rhomar would beat Meruru and wonder what to do next, now that his life's work was done. My lady love suggested that cold-blooded murder shouldn't go unpunished and so I expanded the imp's role a bit to what is in the story now.

I don't *remember* using the exact words "horny slut"...

 

[drteetho]

There's always something helpful to add. Any thoughts at all. I am the first to realize when there are things in my own story that make me cringe. Parts that dragged on or seemed sort of unrealistic or rather implausible (other that any paranormal elements). And too are things that worked well in contrast. As AMB pointed out, my two main characters paled in comparison to the two entities haunting them.

One thing that was enticing about yours was the actual sexual
element at the end. I guess honestly? I see that scenario as "plausible" because I've seen girlfriends become girlfriends. Like not first hand mind you, but someone was kind of led into her... girl love, by a friend. And I feel like the sex toward the end of the lighthearted "friendliness" was indicative of that inspiration you used. Or may have used.

Well, OK, now that you mention it... you did say that Adam and Rachel had an affair with each other and that led to the breakup of their previous relationships before they officially became a couple. Did I get that right? If so, I can't remember that being clearly mentioned in the story, but maybe I just missed it.

Also, I think you explained that you didn't see Rose and Jack as two separate ghosts but as one entity working together somehow to torment Adam and Rachel. Just curious as to why you would do it that way instead of leaving them as two separate ghosts with their own "personalities".

 

[drteetho]

This is actually something I struggle with sometimes when reading stories. So many times I read about what are likely common traits or experiences for characters, but I have nothing in my life that matches it. I was not a giggly 20-year-old, and I didn't really know any. When I was 20, I was in college, going from junior to senior year.

And one thing that that put me off was this:

Quote:
She hated the fact she was leaving her teen years behind. She wasn't looking forward to getting ever closer to adulthood and responsibility.

Again, I didn't know anyone like this although I'm sure they're out there. But at twenty you've already spent two years in college (well, a lot of us anyway, and it seemed that way for Dani), and most people are in fact itching to get away from their teen years. It's fine to be nervous about what the future holds, but this line made Dani seem pretty childish, to me, and unless we're talking about a child, that's not an appealing characteristic.

However, on the whole I thought the story was sweet and seemed pretty plausible for a FF first time, especially when one of the women probably never gave much thought to such a thing.

Thanks for your comments. I hadn't considered that aspect of the line you quoted. I suspect most of the people I grew up with at that age would have agreed with you. I know I did. I wanted to express that she is nervous about the future and "growing up", but maybe my wording wasn't the best way to make that point clear.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

PennLady, something that I have noticed with "Empire of the Stars" that I find really curious, is how a fair number of the people seem to have a negative reaction to it because so much of the writing is purposely bad. As in, the joke is just how awful the ideas and the writing are, but, at the same time, in its awfulness, the writing is actually quite good, and, in its stupidity, wonderfully intelligent.

Still, this begs the question: isn't bad writing, even if created intentionally, still bad writing? I believe this was Triple T's problem with the piece, and likely some others. It puts me in the mind of "Kill Bill"--a galvanizing movie that both feeds cliches and, in doing it so obviously and originally, turns them on their heads. The film is widely praised as being exceptionally clever and well-done, while the movies it so closely mirrors in all but spirit are derided. Unintentionally awful=bad. Intentionally awful=good.

The concept is fascinating to me. I wondered what your take on it was.

Personally, I liked your piece a lot. The real story was the author's bits. It was a long con, and the joke took a bit of walking, but I really enjoyed the journey.

 

[patientlee]

I'm sorry I haven't participated in this discussion. My head's in my next project already. Like PL said, the binge reading doesn't allow me to store it all for too long either.

I know. I'm a party pooper.