FAWC 5: Line, Please!

[slyc_willie]

Sometimes. But when I check in here and the only updated threads I see are "what are you drinking now?" and "what are you listening to now?" I want to scream.

Yep. Me, too. But then, we've both posted on at least one of those threads from time to time, haven't we?

How's your Yellowtail Shiraz?

 

[sr71plt]

Yep. Me, too. But then, we've both posted on at least one of those threads from time to time, haven't we?

How's your Yellowtail Shiraz?

My current glass of that is empty. But only about ten minutes gone, so I haven't begun to cry yet. About to pack it in for the night.

 

[slyc_willie]

My current glass of that is empty. But only about ten minutes gone, so I haven't begun to cry yet. About to pack it in for the night.

Me, too. I've downed my fifth Shiner White Tail for the evening. Might have enough left for a last post. Either way, good night.

 

[patientlee]

Yep. Me, too. But then, we've both posted on at least one of those threads from time to time, haven't we?

How's your Yellowtail Shiraz?

Only a little better than my Franzia Cab Sauv. (Really. It's not as bad as it sounds.)

 

[slyc_willie]

Only a little better than my Franzia Cab Sauv. (Really. It's not as bad as it sounds.)

But . . . it's from a box . . . .

 

[patientlee]

But . . . it's from a box . . . .

Box is good. Not only because there's a lot of it. Keeps it fresher and all that shit. (It does give you a rep when you walk out of the liquor store with it though.)

 

[patientlee]

But . . . it's from a box . . . .

Way better than anything with the word "Barefoot" on it, and that shit comes in a bottle. With a cork.

 

[slyc_willie]

Way better than anything with the word "Barefoot" on it, and that shit comes in a bottle. With a cork.

Hey, my wife likes Barefoot Moscato, so don't knock it.

And don't be fooled by the cork. More and more winemakers are going to screw-caps now. They keep the wine fresher

 

[patientlee]

Hey, my wife likes Barefoot Moscato, so don't knock it.

And don't be fooled by the cork. More and more winemakers are going to screw-caps now. They keep the wine fresher

I know. But the wine snobs hate it. Like the box.

It's possible that their sweet wines are ok, but their Chardonnay is undrinkable. Gotta drive the mama bus in 5 hours.

Goodnight!

 

[xelliebabex]

Wow I didn't check in for last day or two and missed the announcement.. Congrats TTT well deserved! So glad to see you back and writing once more

Congrats to Slyc and Pilot for two of my favorite stories as I said earlier in the thread, liked them both immensely, The True Oracle and Lorelei's Call.

As for mine, everyone kept looking for a second page and wondering whether i had sent in an unfinished copy but, I had meant it that way... I had meant just to show the man's emotions as he went through dread to relief... It obviously needed more I will take all those comments on board but it was meant to be that way and deserved the rating it got
When i wrote it the discussion was going on about fawk 6 being a short one page limit and or having no names, I liked the idea and tried to do it that way because it is so different to how i usually write and agonize over character names. It's probably not surpising that teh regulars didnt guess it was me.

I appreciate all the comments truly.

JBJ you know you love my little bits of sunshiney goodness I leave in comments, (yes I saw your post) so don't pull that grumpy face at me. You know you like me

Thank you once again for running this Slyc, it was awesome again.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I was looking back over the comments on the stories and it seems the persistent issue many of us had was that the stories needed more: more characterization, more description, more conflict. I usually look at stories (my own particularly) and primarily see the things that can and should be cut. When I was writing, I felt a real compulsion to keep my stories short so they would be read and commented on by more people.

Several stories were exactly as long as they needed to be - Lorelei's Call and midnight Ball are the two that come immediately to mind - but most left me hungry for more of the world created. How many FAWCkers are planning on expanding their stories to re-post?

 

[Swilly]

Not me. Once I finish with a story, I move on. Mistakes are lessons learned, and I like to keep the reminders out there.

 

[PennLady]

I didn't figure you got it from Holes, but that's how I recognized what you were doing. The character was Stanley Yelnats.

Ah, I see. Haven't read that myself but would like to.

I've been toying with the idea, based on numerous comments I've seen publicly and read privately, of turning off voting altogether in future FAWCs but leaving comments on. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

Doing so, of course, would mean there would no longer be any FAWC "winners." But I don't think that would be a bad thing, personally.

I'm good with that.

Several stories were exactly as long as they needed to be - Lorelei's Call and midnight Ball are the two that come immediately to mind - but most left me hungry for more of the world created. How many FAWCkers are planning on expanding their stories to re-post?

My story may expand, but not because I ran out of time. As I said, I think when my story is out of the FAWC context, some context needs to be provided within the story itself -- I need to provide a set up and perhaps a little more background in parts.

 

[Seanathon]

I was looking back over the comments on the stories and it seems the persistent issue many of us had was that the stories needed more: more characterization, more description, more conflict. I usually look at stories (my own particularly) and primarily see the things that can and should be cut. When I was writing, I felt a real compulsion to keep my stories short so they would be read and commented on by more people.

Several stories were exactly as long as they needed to be - Lorelei's Call and midnight Ball are the two that come immediately to mind - but most left me hungry for more of the world created. How many FAWCkers are planning on expanding their stories to re-post?

I will be expanding my story before I re-post it. I was never too good with deadlines (in college I was one of those students hiding in the library desperately rewriting my essay on my laptop until seconds before the deadline) and it was no different with this FAWC. I was a latecomer to the challenge and was only able to spend a few days on Escape, and at the deadline was desperately wishing I had a few days more.

For me, the final part of this challenge will be taking all of the constructive criticism left on my story and the others, and using it to shape my story into a better one. So thanks again to everyone who took the time to leave comments (on all of the stories)!

 

[_Lynn_]

How many FAWCkers are planning on expanding their stories to re-post?

Mine will go into a junk folder with all the other stories that fell short in some way. I rarely, if ever, change or expand a completed/posted story.

 

[Blind_Justice]

I will expand upon "Reunion" a bit. Not "full novel" expansion, but work out some kinks, fix the formatting, add a scene or two to smooth some of the rough edges, then it's time for a repost in SF&F. Should do considerably better there than it did in Chain Stories

BTW: Thanks, TTT, for that nice comment. It wasn't as harsh as I had feared it would be

 

[sheablue]

I will definitely be expanding/revising my story. The plan is to resubmit for Halloween.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Should do considerably better there than it did in Chain Stories

I imagine so.

 

[JagFarlane]

Damn...actually go to bed early and find that the thread got busy besides the usual JBJ whining.

Congrats to TTT for winning the contest!

Much like everyone else, I tried juggling a little too much with this past story. Wanted to finish up my Nude Day story before heading off to a week long conference and that didn't leave sufficient time to write the FAWC story as I should have. Going to take the comments and use them to try and expand the story out. Might take some time to figure out how to up the tension as some have suggested.

I'm leaning towards the idea of keeping the scores off during the contest as well, even if it's to just hush the people who turn competitions into an excuse to banter about cheating.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Another option could be to have voting turned off, but just before the reveal let the FAWC participants each cast an anonymous ballot (pm'd to you) for their favorite story. The person with the most votes gets the FAWC Cup.

I like this, but I think that it should be more of a top five (no voting on your own), with each rank assigned a different point value. As good as stories like "Lost Agnes" and "Desperate Times and Measures" are, I'd like the chance to recognize others as well, particularly in FAWCs that are close. Then, at the end, slyc could reveal the point totals.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Speaking as someone who was absolutely mystified by the number of votes one of my stories got and saw probably ten of them fall away after the sweep, I honestly had no idea that kind of gamesmanship went into voting on what I consider to truly be a Friendly Anonymous Writer's Challenge - not Contest. I submitted both of my stories with the idea that they were very good drafts, but that the exercise would be like a writers' workshop with people who would give good, constructive feedback on how to make my stories better before I released them under my own name.

I hated the nastiness and distraction of vote-fixing accusations and I hated that a kerfluffle on the boards is what seems to have caused so much voting (and duplicate voting) on my story. That said, I think voting is important. Not everyone leaves comments because they don't have time, access Lit primarily from a phone or tablet that makes typing more difficult, don't feel they have anything meaningful to add in the comments. I think the number of legit votes the sweep revealed (read: almost all of them) was telling - far more people read than vote and far more vote than comment.

I do think a kind of "writers' choice" prize would cut down on voting bullshit and, if I ever won it, would mean a lot more to me as a writer.

 

[FAWCker]

I'm still mulling over what, if any, changes may be made for FAWC 6. It's going to be a number of months before that one launches, so I'm not going to set anything in stone right now. Better to think on it.

Regarding Oracle, I think I'm going to expand on it and turn it into a two- or three-part series. I want to delve more into the characters and setting, provide some more background for Adastriana, and clear up that ending.

* * * *

I've already received a couple of emails from people as to what they want done with their stories. For everyone else, please send me a PM (NOT an email) to this account only, telling me what you want done with your story. They can be deleted, re-authored, re-categorized, even renamed.

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT DONE WITH YOUR STORY BY THURSDAY THE 26th. If I don't get a PM by then, I will delete the story.

Thank you.

 

[SecondCircle]

Sigh. Where to begin. I know lots aren't here yet but I'm gonna leave this here.

Of Roses and Thorns was my entry.

To start, I figured this would sorta stick out as mine. Not that many have read my work, but as much as I blab on about horror this and horror that, it had my stench all over it. I didn't ever plan to write within my niche for a FAWC, but it was that fucking line. (Thanks to Slyc again, you clever bastard). I had been working on something else, saw FAWC rearing its head a fifth time, and wondered what the authors were writing that I'd be reading. I saw that line and it freaking derailed me. Ate at me for days. And the story was already living and breathing before I could steer it any certain way. It landed in horror.

This seemed like a simple concept and it snowballed. One of the biggest things people had trouble with was the POV switches. (I did too, and would agree with this). By explaining what I attempted there, it kinda underlines the story as a whole. It was purely intentional but didn't quite psn out and wound up confusing. If anyone remembers, we started in 3rd person limited, stuck as an observer of Adam and Adam alone. Rachel was just a distant scared voice at this point. I tossed a vague fishhook when the lights went out.

From there, the perspective bounces. First person Rachel, first person Adam, back and forth, forth and back. I intentionally meant to drive them apart, so that they were individuals to the reader. Rachel intrigued by the ghost story, Adam groggy and assuming he dreamed it all. Rachel alone as Jack starts destroying stuff. Adam skeptical of Rachel and her antics. Rachel can't believe he's so blind. Rachel thinks this. Adam thinks that. Rachel. Adam. Rachel. Adam.

This was an attempt at lacing tone with theme. I was proud that the sex scenes worked in this story, but if you notice, Rachel and Adam only briefly touch early on and are never intimate until the very end. They only have one sex scene. I was trying to drive them apart in the reader's mind with 1st person bouncing. Symbolic of what was happening to them. They were never TRULY together. They were vulnerable to the wretch that invaded their home. Then at the end, we are 3rd person limited with Rachel again. Cold and weary. As they come together and overcome the wretch, we are 3rd person omniscient, overlooking the two, feeling them both. As a couple, as a unity, as one whole that that "ghost" could not break.

...Fuck that was a longer explanation than I meant. I think I came up short with the POV thing. I usually switch by titling each section with a characters name, which woulda been clearer, but I didn't wanna breech formatting. I wasn't clear enough who was talking early enough and it had people retracing. This little experiment didn't quite pan out, with POV all over the place, but I am glad I tried it. Lessons learned.

I wanted theme and the elements in the line to be strong and symbolic. Rose was our handkerchief. Delicate, lovely, bright, beautiful and tempting. Like fresh exciting love, the feelings that swell the heart... even when you're tempted to cheat the first time. The diary was their story, the tales of love and betrayal. Our knife was Jack. The knife in the back spun to bite back at you. The ultimate result of beautiful temptation. Vile, blind, agonizing anger. I can remember times of crying from anger, that rage that makes you destroy all around you. Jack was hurt, sobbing, then ignorant and deadly in his rage.

Those guys did fine I think. The above is what I was going for and people seemed to like them. Rachel and Adam were supposed to be pale reflections of them. Rachel, young and new age, someone exciting and outgoing. Someone you'd cheat with. (Rose). Adam, was a realist. A skeptic. Blind and easy to anger with any folly. I took his inspiration not only from bits of Jack, but from me. These two fell short I think. Parts of them felt like they just didn't fit, while other times they felt too safe, or cliche. I didn't flesh them out as much as I should have. Their relationship should have been what carried the story, instead they felt like invaders.

Tx mentioned in a comment about the rose on the handkerchief. Did it always have thorns? Intended again. Rachels character took notice to mostly the petals, while Adam was more intrigued by the thorns around them. So they weren't in the passage with Rachel. Intentional, but worked as good as nipples on a snake.

Rita, Rachel's friend and the "medium" was mentioned in the story. Her section was a "deleted scene" I may add at some point. She was supposed to be just this normal ass friend, worked at a dollar store, giddy but uninteresting. Adam doesn't believe she can channel the dead (can you believe this guy?). She steps one foot into the house and acts like she is going to puke or faint. On the porch she tells them whatever is in their house is not "two" ghosts. It's not even human. Even though she can't tell them what it is.

I cut that because it made the story even longer and made it seem even more "talky explainy". Kinda made it drag. But the idea was that Rose and Jack weren't two separate entities, it was one cruel entity preying on their fear, laughing at them as they broke to temptation, toying with them, drawn to them because they were adulterers. Which would have explained a lot more. In the story I barely mentioned that the reason Rose "wrote" about her own death was because entries to the diary were constantly being added. Even Adam and Rachel found their way to the final pages. So in this sense, the book was the most crucial element, as it revealed the truth of this one wicked thing that was trying to split them apart and turn them against each other. Which is why you kinda see Jack and Rose as ONE being toward the end.

Fuck. I talk too much. There it is, the DVD audio commentary with the director. This is how it was intended, but came up short in my opinion. My edit is usually "set aside for two days, read aloud to wife." I catch a lot of errors that way. This got a final skim and it showed. And I think I bit off a lot of themes I couldn't quite chew altogether.

Thanks so much to every one that read the story. Special thanks to those that left feedback it was a HUGE help. You fuckers Rawc. (I may have that backwards.)

 

[sr71plt]

I was looking back over the comments on the stories and it seems the persistent issue many of us had was that the stories needed more: more characterization, more description, more conflict. I usually look at stories (my own particularly) and primarily see the things that can and should be cut. When I was writing, I felt a real compulsion to keep my stories short so they would be read and commented on by more people.

Several stories were exactly as long as they needed to be - Lorelei's Call and midnight Ball are the two that come immediately to mind - but most left me hungry for more of the world created. How many FAWCkers are planning on expanding their stories to re-post?

There's the oft repeated reaction to this that leaving the reader wanting more is the mark of a good, engaging story (and that the movies give us good examples on why it's usually not a good idea to provide more).

I'm sorry to say that many times when I see the request for more of this or that, it comes, I think, from an elementary understanding and an "that's what they all say" response on what a short story "has" to have. And also, I often see that it's a reader who doesn't want to get engaged in a story and do some of her/his own thinking on what it could mean and what the preferred/likely outcomes are. When you don't fully describe a character (or reveal their motivations), you engage the reader (other than one who doesn't just want to be spoon fed everything) to visualize these things themselves from their own experience/needs. And when you want to know aspects of a character that don't serve the story in any way (like sometimes it doesn't really matter if the woman has boobs at all, let alone what size they are), you are on your way to "everything plus the kitchen sink" six pagers that have the effect of watering down the tension and the strength of the storyline/theme.

Different types of stories have different development needs. For instance what I've written about "Lorelei's Call" (Thanks for giving that one a plug.) Myths/fairy tales tend to use their characters as symbols of something (Lorelei = temptation; apprentices = every guy). They don't have the same distinguishing character-development needs as a two-person relationship drama.

What I see generally lacking in a good many of the (few) Literotica stories I read is that there rarely is a distinct sense of setting. Most of them revolve around some breakfast bar moving to some nondescript bed in someone or other's bedroom anywhere in the world yesterday.

As far as what I'm going to do with mine, I'll have "Lorelei's Call" moved over to Fantasy as is, overlong sentences and all. I'm already way down the road on newer stuff. And I think I'll have "Knife, Book, and Hankie," deleted. There are so many mechanical mistakes in it that I'd have to do an edit, Literotica isn't friendly to bisexual stories, and this one will come out as an e-book in a couple of months anyway.

 

[jomar]

Thanks to slyc for hosting this exercise.

Congrats to TTT for the "win" and congrats to all who entered a story for playing.

Lastly, thanks to all who read my story and for the helpful comments. I'll think seriously on those for the rewrite.

I have no expectation that anyone knows my writing style so I didn't figure anyone would guess me unless by accident...and as far as that goes I've experimented with a variety of styles across a number of categories.

Since part of the fun sounded like folk share a bit about their story I'll add a quickie. Like a lot of folk, the objects screamed murder mystery. But then the idea to use the book as a diary popped into my head. Then I got the idea to juxtapose two story lines...one through the detective and one through the diary. Happy then sad, the other okay then happy...opposite trajectories. I need to smooth the transitions and flesh out the detectives relationship with the ME some.

And freya, ixnay on outingway eadingray the astlay agepay of the iaryday irstfay. Good point, though.