My First Story...Looking For Feedback

[brookes]

Hi,

I've put my first Story on here and wanted to ask for feedback on the theme and my writing. Is it a good start? Hot enough? Depending on feedback I'll write chapter 2 soon. Here's the link http://www.literotica.com/s/corset-rebel-ch-01

Thank you!

 

[Trixareforkids]

I read the entire thing which speaks well for your writing. You could have trimmed a bit here and there and added a tad more detail to the descriptions of the solo sessions but overall really quite good. I saw that you already had a few commenters, look at jingo's favorites and the story she or he wrote for more descriptive sex scenes.

Good beginning I favorited you so I can catch further chapters.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I thought it started out slow but towards the end, the dialogue and the story did get more interesting. In your pre-amble you state that you want to give an introduction and background. It's almost like you are warning us that the beginning is boring, but you do it so you can set up for more chapters. Don't do that!! I have plenty of reasons to not read your story already, give me a reason to read it. Getting to know a character can be interesting, just like getting to know people in real life. Work on your opening paragraphs to be part of the story, not a boring prelude.
I don't know if the wife is important or not, you describe their life together, a laundry list of a typical married man's life, but there is no interaction between them, it's all very passive. If she isn't going to show up later, then shorten this up-you throw out that she is watching him-why? Is this important? You say he likes his life except for sex, yet he becomes sneaky. This alludes to more going on but it feels like you just threw it out there like a justification of his behavior. Being sneaky everytime you go somewhere, those are trust issues, not a happy marriage. If you say it's happy, show us, don't say 1 thing then describe another, it's confusing and makes the story less believable. If she will be a focal point later on then make her interesting. Some interaction between them would be good.
You set the story up as a guy who has this boring life, nothing wrong with that, but the way you described it bored me as well. I actually stopped reading and went to browse lit. I came back after a few minutes and read the other review (I don't read reviews before I read a story) and that person thought it was good, so I decided to read on. When he was talking to corset rebel, the lady who didn't post a picture, wanted to be discreet and didn't want to be caught by her husband the first thing she does is give her name and then where she lives???? Not believable, at least not how you set her up.

"What are you doing online" Leech sneered at Laura, "looking at porn again? You're disgusting!"
"Fuck you, you prude!"

This dialogue also doesn't fit with a woman who needs to be careful around her husband.

Later the writing seems more natural, the flirtation between them with the sending of pictures back and forth after saying goodbye, was more lighthearted and fun. I didn't care for the back and forth with laura and her husband, verbal abuse isn't my thing and she comes off just as bad as her husband so I don't feel any sympathy for her. I like the ending where she asks if he is looking to meet someone, but the way you describe him in the beginning-loving his wife-would lead me to believe he would say no.

 

[PennLady]

First, I'd say don't ask anyone else whether you should continue the story. If you want to write it, write it. If you're only writing for feedback, that's fine, but I think it won't be terribly rewarding. It's nice to have good feedback, don't get me wrong, but if you don't have your own more internal reasons for writing, I don't think it will take you too far.

Second, I read part of your story but it didn't hold my interest. It's not bad for a first effort, but you "told" the reader a lot of things, such as how the characters felt at certain times, what they thought, etc. It would help improve the story if you took some of those opportunities to "show" the reader instead. Give us Chris' reaction from his own words, and not just that "he was surprised."

Something like:

Chris checked his email. "Holy shit, she sent the pictures," he said to himself. "I never thought she would." Surprised and aroused, he scrolled through them.

You can use spots like this to help develop your characters; how they react tells the reader a lot about them.

 

[brookes]

Thank you for the feedback. Some good constructive comments that I will digest before writing chapter 2.

I had missed some parts out on chapter 1 but on reflection they would have put the explaination in on the wife, and Chris being "sneaky". How well received is editing after a story is already posted?

Thanks again.

 

[Hypoxia]

How well received is editing after a story is already posted?

Most LIT readers will not even notice. YOU will notice. I fix some of my posted stories because I am not satisfied otherwise, and because I want new readers to have the best (or weirdest) experience I can offer.