FAWC 5: Line, Please!

[Tx Tall Tales]

Just a note that I've started commenting on all the stories. Walking down the Chain Stories list in order.

I'm critiquing each story, similar to what I'd do in my writer's workshop. I'm hoping I don't hurt any feelings. It's more about how the story works for me, and what doesn't. It may seem harsh at times.

I will point out some of the more glaring grammatical errors, and overall impressions. I hope to finish all of them by tomorrow night. We'll see. It sure seems like a lot of stories.

I've gone through the first five.

And thanks to everyone who commented on mine. I value the input, always.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Just a note that I've started commenting on all the stories. Walking down the Chain Stories list in order.

I'm critiquing each story, similar to what I'd do in my writer's workshop. I'm hoping I don't hurt any feelings. It's more about how the story works for me, and what doesn't. It may seem harsh at times.

I will point out some of the more glaring grammatical errors, and overall impressions. I hope to finish all of them by tomorrow night. We'll see. It sure seems like a lot of stories.

I've gone through the first five.

And thanks to everyone who commented on mine. I value the input, always.

I noticed. For my part, I like honesty. I get enough backrubs at home. This is exciting.

 

[TamLin01]

Do the scores even matter? It's not like we get rewarded for them. It's not like our names are even on the damn things right now. The scores will do whatever they do, and a month from now it won't make a lick of difference what they were. Far more important than an ephemeral, ever-changing number next to a story is what we learned from writing and reading it and how we can make the next story better.

 

[patientlee]

If you're not having fun, pl, give or a rest! Don't let your rep stress you out.

I gave up, did the crossword puzzle, and read 3 of the stories I hadn't gotten around to. It's all good.

 

[FAWCker]

Do the scores even matter? It's not like we get rewarded for them. It's not like our names are even on the damn things right now. The scores will do whatever they do, and a month from now it won't make a lick of difference what they were. Far more important than an ephemeral, ever-changing number next to a story is what we learned from writing and reading it and how we can make the next story better.

I agree absolutely. But the precedence has already been established that there will be a FAWC "winner." Truly, though, that's a secondary aspect besides the opportunity to have your work openly and honestly reviewed by peers.

I had decided to go ahead and announce the FAWC 5 winner, but there's a little problem with the trophy . . . .

 

[Seanathon]

I had decided to go ahead and announce the FAWC 5 winner, but there's a little problem with the trophy . . . .

Little pl never gave it back?

 

[FAWCker]

Little pl never gave it back?

She did, but it was crusty with pina colada residue.

(At least, I hope that's what it was . . . )

 

[patientlee]

Little pl never gave it back?

Try prying outta my fingers. You'll never get it. Never!!! (Even though my story is so bad this time that I should be forced to exchange it for a dunce cap.)

 

[patientlee]

She did, but it was crusty with pina colada residue.

(At least, I hope that's what it was . . . )

Oh, Slyc. I don't drink piña coladas.

 

[Swilly]

Well, since I'm already outed, I figure I might as well discuss the story now when I have time.

I had bits of the story rolling around in my head for a while, so I was happy that I was able to build this story around those thoughts. I wanted to be different with that opening line, and, as I've written previously, I wanted to build up Kay's need and anticipation, and leave her there at the end, on the edge of her seat, wondering, and I wanted to leave the reader there with her. If I did it again, I'd leave the last sentence out entirely.

As noted in the comments, I rushed through this story and didn't fully develop things as well as I could have. I purposely didn't want Bob to abuse his position at work to seduce Kay, but I certainly could have developed the building desire more on her part, and how his refusal to respond to her made her want him even more. I could have developed his attraction to her, and the internal battle he went through to keep away from her. I intended to keep the story short, much as I did with an earlier story "Innocent Before, Guilty After", and I ended up with the same issue. There was a little too much not explained or developed to make the story flow smoothly.

Kay is young and relatively inexperienced. I reckon I didn't develop that enough in her character. I don't envision her as dumb in the least, but rather that she is still learning...so I think I failed there.

Barb...well...I have to tell you that I have actually encountered people like her in real life in a role like this. As much as ROI is the holy grail, surprisingly, it often ignored. I've seen marketing people given the responsibility of generating leads, with no other parameters and no desire to measure how effective those leads are. You'd think that never happens, but sadly, it does.

 

[Seanathon]

She did, but it was crusty with pina colada residue.

(At least, I hope that's what it was . . . )

I don't even want to guess what that crusty residue is, but I believe her drunk - I mean, drink - of choice is a nice IPA.

Been too busy with work this week to read/comment on most of the stories, but I've enjoyed the ones I have. I also love reading the constructive criticism left on both my story and others. I've already gained a few pointers for the next time around.

Also, no one has guessed correctly which story I wrote. I'm still kind of new to both FAWC and Literotica though, so I'm not surprised.

I also noticed that TxTallTales skipped a story while handing out his excellent and constructive reviews. Does that mean It's Danielle's Birthday is his? I won't say whether he's reviewed my story or not yet, but let's just say I'm glad he started at the top.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I noticed. For my part, I like honesty. I get enough backrubs at home. This is exciting.

Youre kidding, right?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Well, since I'm already outed, I figure I might as well discuss the story now when I have time.

I had bits of the story rolling around in my head for a while, so I was happy that I was able to build this story around those thoughts. I wanted to be different with that opening line, and, as I've written previously, I wanted to build up Kay's need and anticipation, and leave her there at the end, on the edge of her seat, wondering, and I wanted to leave the reader there with her. If I did it again, I'd leave the last sentence out entirely.

As noted in the comments, I rushed through this story and didn't fully develop things as well as I could have. I purposely didn't want Bob to abuse his position at work to seduce Kay, but I certainly could have developed the building desire more on her part, and how his refusal to respond to her made her want him even more. I could have developed his attraction to her, and the internal battle he went through to keep away from her. I intended to keep the story short, much as I did with an earlier story "Innocent Before, Guilty After", and I ended up with the same issue. There was a little too much not explained or developed to make the story flow smoothly.

Kay is young and relatively inexperienced. I reckon I didn't develop that enough in her character. I don't envision her as dumb in the least, but rather that she is still learning...so I think I failed there.

Barb...well...I have to tell you that I have actually encountered people like her in real life in a role like this. As much as ROI is the holy grail, surprisingly, it often ignored. I've seen marketing people given the responsibility of generating leads, with no other parameters and no desire to measure how effective those leads are. You'd think that never happens, but sadly, it does.

My problem with your story are the unspecified referential indices (see relatively inexperienced above...relative to whom?), that is, half the time I have no clue who youre talking about. And you have a sick fetish for adverbs.

 

[Swilly]

My problem with your story are the unspecified referential indices (see relatively inexperienced above...relative to whom?), that is, half the time I have no clue who youre talking about. And you have a sick fetish for adverbs.

Fair dues, JBJ. I appreciate feedback like this that I can think about going forward. I like the "great job" comments as much as the next person, but meaningful suggestions and criticism are what makes one better.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Fair dues, JBJ. I appreciate feedback like this that I can think about going forward. I like the "great job" comments as much as the next person, but meaningful suggestions and criticism are what makes one better.

Find a copy of an old book titled SHIFTING CONTEXTS. Its a clinical epistemology manual. But to the point, its about how to train patients to come across sane and coherent by changing what they say. And unspecified referential indices are one problem the book addresses. Now, if your character is incoherent and incohesive remove the referential indices from the dialogue. If theyre a dependent personality add passive verbs. If theyre paranoid schizophrenic add angry discounts and ridicule.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Seanathon, does that mean you're "The Sex Manual"?

JBJ, which part do you doubt?

Liking honesty? No, I truly do, even rough, volatile honesty--which is why I have a certain affinity for you, cynical curmudgeon that you are. You don't hand out participation trophies and you're unafraid to completely piss on a story. While that doesn't mean you're right, it does mean that when you hand out a compliment, it's earnest. That means something. I don't want or need people to fake literary orgasms on my behalf. If my stuff rolls your eyes back, I want to know it's real.

Is it the backrubs? Rest assured, in that department I am very fortunate.

Or is it the excitement? At the risk of sounding a little bit like a fan boy, TTT was one of the first authors on this site that really impressed me. He was the first I ever favorited and I still adore his stuff and often read it, not just for enjoyment, but for an education on how to be a crowd pleaser without sacrificing artistic ambition. I respect and admire him, and so far he is handing out pretty solid critiques. He hasn't gotten to my story (spoiler), but I look forward to it when he does, even though I don't think I will fare well. As he is keeping stories honest technically, and that is an area where I did not do my best in this story. Still, I look forward to his insight. Because that's why I come here, for the insights. Which I wish you would offer more of this time around rather than simple condemnation.

 

[Seanathon]

Seanathon, does that mean you're "The Sex Manual"?

You're getting colder...

 

[AMoveableBeast]

You're getting colder...

Oh, I see, you're not looking forward to it. Hmmm. I would guess more, but they would be simply that. I will confess to being one of those unfamiliar with your work. In fact, let me go rectify that problem...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Seanathon, does that mean you're "The Sex Manual"?

JBJ, which part do you doubt?

Liking honesty? No, I truly do, even rough, volatile honesty--which is why I have a certain affinity for you, cynical curmudgeon that you are. You don't hand out participation trophies and you're unafraid to completely piss on a story. While that doesn't mean you're right, it does mean that when you hand out a compliment, it's earnest. That means something. I don't want or need people to fake literary orgasms on my behalf. If my stuff rolls your eyes back, I want to know it's real.

Is it the backrubs? Rest assured, in that department I am very fortunate.

Or is it the excitement? At the risk of sounding a little bit like a fan boy, TTT was one of the first authors on this site that really impressed me. He was the first I ever favorited and I still adore his stuff and often read it, not just for enjoyment, but for an education on how to be a crowd pleaser without sacrificing artistic ambition. I respect and admire him, and so far he is handing out pretty solid critiques. He hasn't gotten to my story (spoiler), but I look forward to it when he does, even though I don't think I will fare well. As he is keeping stories honest technically, and that is an area where I did not do my best in this story. Still, I look forward to his insight. Because that's why I come here, for the insights. Which I wish you would offer more of this time around rather than simple condemnation.

Nothing lifts self esteem like honest praise. Nothing pisses us off so much as honest assessment we hate, especially our own opinion. The trick is mastery of our medium so that we really know if criticism is valid, and if the critic is a reliable assayor. I think I just invented an erroneous word. Its assayer.

 

[SecondCircle]

Nothing lifts self esteem like honest praise. Nothing pisses us off so much as honest assessment we hate, especially our own opinion. The trick is mastery of our medium so that we really know if criticism is valid, and if the critic is a reliable assayor. I think I just invented an erroneous word. Its assayer.

You can do all at once and be completely honest. I can tell people what I really liked and why I liked it. I can also tell folks what I didn't like and why. Along the way, I can criticize, offer opinion, encourage, and set aside when I think something is just my personal taste. Doesn't have to be cruel or sugar coated. Just is what it is.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You can do all at once and be completely honest. I can tell people what I really liked and why I liked it. I can also tell folks what I didn't like and why. Along the way, I can criticize, offer opinion, encourage, and set aside when I think something is just my personal taste. Doesn't have to be cruel or sugar coated. Just is what it is.

Naaah. Youre wanting to elevate asskissing from its effluvial cesspool. People pay attention to glass busting bangs NOT timorous whimpers. You and most AH posters think you've done something when you vote an ox story to bull status.

 

[SecondCircle]

Naaah. Youre wanting to elevate asskissing from its effluvial cesspool. People pay attention to glass busting bangs NOT timorous whimpers. You and most AH posters think you've done something when you vote an ox story to bull status.

So says you. You are quite right in that honest feedback doesn't always have to be glowing reach arounds and candy coated dreams.

But I do not think that every time someone posts some positive feedback about a story it's all asskissing and back patting. If I didn't like something, I'll say it. But if I really enjoyed something, or even if I liked little bits of a story that didn't jive with me, I'm going to say it. Honesty does not have to simply equate, "I'm gonna point out it was horrible."

If you hated the stories, and all are on some hellish level of amateur ignorance and bottomfeeding skill level, cool. Your opinion is yours to have. But I wouldn't presume that anyone else has to echo your opinions or come to some agreement with you. Because others like the stories for whatever reason, it doesn't make them suck ups or liars. I thought many of these entries (and in other FAWCs) were better than 90% of stories around the site as a whole. And I have not shit to gain if I left any feedback at all, good or bad.

If there is any "back patting" or whatever going on, it won't come from me, and I don't see any of the other critical comments that were left doing it either. It's all been pretty straightforward. Beast and Triple T, the goddess, Shea, and many others have pretty much been using the "call it like I see it method", without resorting to cruelty or cock sucking.

It ain't no beauty pageant and it ain't no school of hard knocks. It's FAWC.

 

[sr71plt]

But the bottom line on JBJ is that he doesn't critique honestly (beyond the fact that he doesn't actually critique at all). Everything is based on his agenda to provoke. He's admitted that, actually, even on this thread. I don't see why you even give him the time of day (that "you" involves more than just one poster).

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

So says you. You are quite right in that honest feedback doesn't always have to be glowing reach arounds and candy coated dreams.

But I do not think that every time someone posts some positive feedback about a story it's all asskissing and back patting. If I didn't like something, I'll say it. But if I really enjoyed something, or even if I liked little bits of a story that didn't jive with me, I'm going to say it. Honesty does not have to simply equate, "I'm gonna point out it was horrible."

If you hated the stories, and all are on some hellish level of amateur ignorance and bottomfeeding skill level, cool. Your opinion is yours to have. But I wouldn't presume that anyone else has to echo your opinions or come to some agreement with you. Because others like the stories for whatever reason, it doesn't make them suck ups or liars. I thought many of these entries (and in other FAWCs) were better than 90% of stories around the site as a whole. And I have not shit to gain if I left any feedback at all, good or bad.

If there is any "back patting" or whatever going on, it won't come from me, and I don't see any of the other critical comments that were left doing it either. It's all been pretty straightforward. Beast and Triple T, the goddess, Shea, and many others have pretty much been using the "call it like I see it method", without resorting to cruelty or cock sucking.

It ain't no beauty pageant and it ain't no school of hard knocks. It's FAWC.

Since when do I give a shit what others think? I blaze my own trail, and don't need your OK when I do. You can pout and kiss my ass. Ditto the others. I cant imagine what I'd win if I pleased any of these people.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Since when do I give a shit what others think? I blaze my own trail, and don't need your OK when I do. You can pout and kiss my ass. Ditto the others. I cant imagine what I'd win if I pleased any of these people.

Me either, JBJ, you already have my undying love and affection. What else could I give? I know! Who wants a hug? Eh? Eh? *nudges with elbow*