Why are you submissive?

[IrisAlthea]

The only thing I don't get is where the hell everyone got this powerful memo that it's so great to be equal?

I mean I heard it on TV and shit, but one glance at my mother's behavior basically told me that my function was to do anything and everything and suffer all and have no dignity as much as possible when it came to men.

So this idea that it's the "be equal" messaging that's so terribly oppressive, I call bullshit.

What makes female submission fringe and edgy is not that the world is a feminist paradise, it's that it's still acknowledging female sexual agency at ALL. If you just *are* a sex object you're cool - the minute your start enjoying it, there's something wrong with you.

And yes there's more than "just sex" but there's always sex when people drop the pretenses.

This.

Thank you, Endless Night. I take heed to every single word you have posted here. A sincere thank you for your looking out for my wellbeing.

I understand that all dominant men are not wonderful. My case in point, I was married to one for years. I mistook him for trust. I mistook him for a confident leader. It was a heartbreaking experience. It opened my eyes. I’m learning every day, reflecting every day.

I know that naivety isn’t always a good thing. It has led me astray many times. I see the safety risks. I have already made mistakes at the beginning of my journey that scared the crap out of me and made me feel really dumb.

In my own defense, I hope that I’m not overconfident in not believing myself to be a victim of blind worship; however, I’ll consider your point of view further.

This thread stirred up a lot of emotions for me. I was speaking from my heart, but I do still have a mind, and I pray that when I encounter situations where it needs to be engaged, that I will do so.

You know, thinking in groups and categories can be very tempting.
It seems very clear and uncomplicated if women are like this and men are like that, dominant men are like this while submissives are like that. Every group gets it's slot and the world is in order.
It's just that this makes it harder to see the actual person, not as part of a category but as an individual. You risk getting into trouble and you risk missing out.

The ability to lead is not inherently good. It depends what you do with it.
Just remember the pied piper of Hamelin. And it would be a different world if only the wise wanted to lead.
The ability to follow is not inherently good either. It depends on who you follow.
Sometimes it makes you stand by and look when you should speak up against something.

 

[VirgoNotVirgin]

I just feel that way. Something inside me needs to be controlled and dominated in that sense. I need to be a hole to fuck sometimes, sometimes I need to be held and cherished like a favorite toy. Not sure what it is, but it came naturally.

 

[Stella_Omega]

...

I no longer felt I had to fight for a cause I didn't really believe in - my right to dominate! It's funny really. But I spent years, as a young woman, very confused as to how I should behave.

I don't think it's a gender issue - that women are naturally more submissive than men. But I do think some people - of both genders - are more comfortable in submissive relationships.

I'm 52, the daughter of the women's rights movement, and I found it all confusing when I was in my teens and twenties, because I thought I was supposed to want something I didn't want.

I am in no way criticizing the women's rights movement, because the quality of my life as I choose to live it is determined by its strength. It was just a relief to me when I discovered that I did not have to conform to an image of "woman" that I was having a hard time conforming to.

Over the years I have experienced that whenever I try to assert myself, I get really mean or I break down into embarrassing tears. I've struggled for years thinking that I should be able to learn how to be more graciously or elegantly assertive, but it wasn't until I began practicing submission as a way-of-life, embracing the idea that it wasn't "unhealthy" to be submissive, that I really started to learn how to operate graciously in the world.

I really love your thoughts in these posts, eastern sun.

Theidea that women DO have "right to dominate," doesn't mean we all of us HAVE to dominate. It means we have the right to make that choice for ourselves, based on what's best for us, instead of being defaulted into the role of submission because tits.

By the way, embarrassing tears are embarrassing. But being elegantly assertive is just style. We all want to entertain our friends and loved ones. But sometimes-- we just have to get the fucking job done. Living with my elderly yippy toy poodle of a mother is teaching me a lot-- her style of management is shitty and depressing, self-pitying and abusive, and devoid of communication, and I have about zero *respect* for her (although plenty of compassion) but-- she does get done what she wants done. And I have learned some better habits from her despite all of that.

The only thing I don't get is where the hell everyone got this powerful memo that it's so great to be equal?

I mean I heard it on TV and shit, but one glance at my mother's behavior basically told me that my function was to do anything and everything and suffer all and have no dignity as much as possible when it came to men.

So this idea that it's the "be equal" messaging that's so terribly oppressive, I call bullshit.

What makes female submission fringe and edgy is not that the world is a feminist paradise, it's that it's still acknowledging female sexual agency at ALL. If you just *are* a sex object you're cool - the minute your start enjoying it, there's something wrong with you.

And yes there's more than "just sex" but there's always sex when people drop the pretenses.

the bolded. True of female dominance too. As in-- where she's actually doing what she wants because that's what shewants to do, as opposed to catering to everyman's desires for shiny latex on top of the boobs.

 

[Edensgift]

Why are you submissive

You might as well ask why my hair is brown or my eyes are blue. It's in my genes.

 

[StrayKat]

I don't know... I always like to see examples that can help me add to my repertoire

Agreed!

It might be kinda fun.

I dont have to be angry to show you ladies some "examples".
All you have to do is ask

 

[Hornywetcanuck]

In my every day life, I am the one deciding what's for dinner, what the budget can handle, so on and so forth. I am not shy about telling my opinion and don't fuck with my kids or you will get a mama bear on your heels, but close the bedroom door and when I call my man "master" my pulse and breathing quicken and I am a wet puddle of sexual readiness.

Oh I totally agree, I'm submissive but don't like pain, well real pain, please spank me! Lol hubby is warming up to it more and more and it is good! And I guess I'm actually not a sub but like to be controlled in the bedroom. That does explain it better for me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh I totally agree, I'm submissive but don't like pain, well real pain, please spank me! Lol hubby is warming up to it more and more and it is good! And I guess I'm actually not a sub but like to be controlled in the bedroom. That does explain it better for me.

Read the essay linked in my signature, see if it clarifies anything for you

 

[kitten2929]

why?

well i think it is because i am usually a very outgoing and dominant person in real life, well my work life at-least. being able to give my all to someone and let them control me or dominate me, and i knowingly just let it happen is relaxing to me and very pleasurable. the fact of not having to worry or get worked up over stupid stuff like at work haha is what is relaxing. i only allow men to have a dominate stand over me though... but i am vise verse i guess you can call me a switch. i like to dominate women but not men so idk im just weird i guess...

 

[eastern sun]

A lot of conversations are happening about this issue outside of a sexual context lately - like the book "quiet" - a lot of questioning of the valuation of leadership and assertiveness to the detriment of other kinds of response.

Thanks for bringing this book to my attention. I hadn't seen it, and would be interested in reading it.

In Berkeley California in the 60's, the community I grew up in, "submissive" had negative connotations for both men and women - and the image of my own unhappy mother was most definitely an image of a woman I did not want to be! (Of course, I am more like her than I thought I was as a teenager, a time when I defined myself in opposition to her whenever possible.)

But my identification of myself as "submissive," or as a "service-oriented personality" as I recently called myself at work, only began after the rise of the internet. In pre-internet days, in and around the s/m club scenes, I only thought of myself in M/s "slave" terms.

I've always chosen "slave" - and "alpha slave" - to describe myself because I find it incredibly erotic.

D/s - and the lexicon of dominance and submission - seemed to hit popular culture like a water bomb only after the development of the internet. Is that true?

 

[eastern sun]

I really love your thoughts in these posts, eastern sun.

The idea that women DO have "right to dominate," doesn't mean we all of us HAVE to dominate. It means we have the right to make that choice for ourselves, based on what's best for us, instead of being defaulted into the role of submission because tits.

the bolded. True of female dominance too. As in-- where she's actually doing what she wants because that's what shewants to do, as opposed to catering to everyman's desires for shiny latex on top of the boobs.

Thank you, Stella.

I would imagine that the male fantasy of female dominance must be incredibly frustrating to female Dominants. One of the things I love about the internet is the opportunity for public forums like this one - allowing us to shine light on concepts, stereotypes, fantasies, and activities that often go undiscussed.

We can still all deceive ourselves and others, become confused and express our prejudices, but the mere fact that I can witness you transform yourself or share emotional experiences and thoughts that are private and internal expressions of who I am has given me a chance to develop self-understanding and compassion for others that I would not have access to otherwise.

P.S. I didn't understand what you were trying to say about "getting the job done." Did you mean that sometimes that meanness or emotional breakdowns can be effective, and therefore acceptable? Or did you mean something else?

 

[StrayKat]

I would imagine that the male fantasy of female dominance must be incredibly frustrating to female Dominants.

For any woman with some sense of self value. It is the worst kind of objectification because it is hidden under false pretense of adoration.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

i am not even a sub to
females.i love adventureous exposures, but i
will be the one who would dictate the terms
to the “apparent mistress“.she will only
enact her role & impose only those humiliations
which i would love to hear.obviously i am not
a sub in real, so i never submit on my will even in my imaginations.being a sub & enjoying humiliation are two different things for me with me preferring the second one.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

For me it is about not letting my control down. I want things be done to me but I am the one who decides what and how. I dont want to please much anyone but myself, it is not about being emotionally involved either, I am a "do me bitch". I am not a SAM or a brat because I dont manipulate, I generally demand..

i second you on that.

 

[34DDasian]

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[Sasha69]

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[willingtobeused]

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[turnofthepaige]

Yes Mistress I just love kissing your feet as I feel the sting of your whip on my ass.

Yes Mistress Sasha. I feel so honored to serve You and making my Beautiful Mistress and wonderful sis so happy. You are superior to all other Mistresses as you are so sexy and have such a wonderful imagination that I have felt drawn to you from the first time we met. Kneeling at Your feet next to my sis.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

My name is Mistress Sasha. I have some very good Little Princess Servants that I just made mine today! Scored them in the New Fem Boy PIcs thread ! Anyway, they;ll be "bi" to let you know why they serve me and why they crave me and why theyre mine! Hope yo see you all around. and if you find Princess Sukie or Princess Paige to your liking? Who knows? Lets have a party. They SO LUV TO SERVE

Yes Mistress I just love kissing your feet as I feel the sting of your whip on my ass.

Yes Mistress Sasha. I feel so honored to serve You and making my Beautiful Mistress and wonderful sis so happy. You are superior to all other Mistresses as you are so sexy and have such a wonderful imagination that I have felt drawn to you from the first time we met. Kneeling at Your feet next to my sis.

Please take this to SRP or Fetish & Sexuality Central. Thank you.

 

[gotherella]

why am i sub, that is a big question and one that can only be answered if i tell you some things about me, i suppose the big thing is that i have aspergers, it affects different people in different ways, but i have quite a severe case, i am naturally quiet and reserved, prone to sensory overload and meltdowns and prone to anxiety 99% of the time, yet i find it difficult to connect with my emotions at times and can be aloof and downright bitchy, i have been through abusive relationships in the past, where jerks thought because of the way i am they could get away with anything, they mistook my kindness for a weakness and used me, but not liking to upset my routine i find it very difficult to break free.

i needed someone who was strong enough to cope with me, with my meltdowns and anxieties and instead of abusing my kindness could see that i could be happy if treated properly. when i met my current mistress she is everything i needed, she can talk me through the meltdowns and push my boundaries with a calm and clear approach, telling me why and what is going on, she can see when i am getting overanxious and will force me to talk even when i just want to hide away, and she can take away my confusion, if i do not know what to do she will tell me, she does not ask me to make decisions, if i do something wrong i get punished, if i do something right i get rewarded, i do not have to wonder what is going on she will tell me. she protects me from the world and all she asks in return is that if i am told to do something i do it. she knows i do not deal with grey areas very well and she gives me rules to live by.

in the end i guess the real answer for why i am sub is that it makes me happy.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I live a mans life in the outdoors where you had to be tough all the time and be the dom to survive. Now I just want to serve others, bring them what pleasure I can and ask for nothing in return.

 

[kittymacabre]

Is there a greater calling than service? It just feels right...

 

[bluesky496]

i am submissive because i am inferior .

 

[Sasha69]

The ability to change perspective ...

i am submissive because i am inferior .

reveals the majic of adaptability. Surley one thing your not is indecisive.

 

[jackdaw]

Is there a greater calling than service? It just feels right...

No. No greater call than service – in any walk of life.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

i am submissive because i am inferior .

In > 40 years of participating in BDSM in one form or another, I've never considered the person in the "opposite" role (PYL/pyl) to be inferior.