More Humour

[Handley_Page]

This Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could
peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole
in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said,
"your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".

 

[oggbashan]

Last week I passed a cyclist wearing a high-visibility jacket.

On the back was a legend in large type:

Health and Safety

Below, in smaller type, it read:

Danger! May contain nuts.

 

[Handley_Page]

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,

"Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

 

[Sammael Bard]

The Devil managed Hell, the kingdom of the Damned, where
those humans who died in sin were sent for their eternal
punishment. Usually, their humanity was burned out of them by
their approach to Hell, but there was one man, an ex-soldier,
whose hatred was so strong and so cold that it could not be
destroyed. He had a heart cold enough to freeze the fires of
Hell itself.

The Devil tried to beat the hatred out of him , to whip it out,
but torture was ineffective. It was Angel Of Death who came up
with a solution. Since all this man wanted to do was to kill, he
could take the place of the Angel. His swords were melted down
and remade into guns while the Devil sewed the meat back to
his flesh. This man of hatred became the Saint of Killers, with
guns that never missed and always killed.

As soon as he stepped through the gates of Hell, the fires
started up again. The Devil shouted with joy, he shouted to the
Saint, "Good riddance, you cold-hearted son of a bitch!" The
Saint heard the insult, turned around, and put the first shot of
his new guns straight through the Devil's head, killing him.

 

[Sammael Bard]

A lady walks into a bar and points her gun at the owner's head. She ordered him to fuck her, right there on the floor. As a measure to stop the man from running away, she keeps her gun trained at his head while he fucked her.

As the fucking ensued, the lady gets lost in her own ecstacy and forgets to keep her guns trained on him.

The man took the next step that had to be done in such emergencies.

"Please keep the guns pointed at my head! My wife's going to be here anytime soon."

 

[NaokoSmith]

I have let Piglet off the school trip organised by a self-avowed Christian 'charity' to an exhibition on the life of Jesus (even she said she would rather do schoolwork), but I was jolly tempted to send her along and get her to ask whether the Virgin Mary was in what they'd call a stable relationship!

 

[BonBon1976]

WOULD YOU BELIEVE...A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Where upon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."


BB

 

[Handley_Page]

A little boy opens door and catches dad humping mom, he cries "You're hurting her!"

Daddy replies "I'm making you a little brother."

Two days later and dad comes home and the kid is crying.

Dad says "What's wrong?"

The little boy replies "You know that little brother you were making? The postman ate him!!!"

 

[Handley_Page]

There are two statues in a park;

One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions..
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'



---------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

 

[Handley_Page]

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour: "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"

 

[desertslave]

“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

 

[Sammael Bard]

It reminds me of another one...

A servant answers an anonymous phone-call-

Servant: Blake residency here.

Caller: If you even dare to refuse my next words, I'll slit your throat.

The servant is scared outright and decides that it was the better option to save his skin.

Servant: W-What do I have to do?

Caller: Go to the bedroom and search the top of the wardrobe. You'll find a Colt. Do it!

The servant scrambles to search the top of the wardrobe and is surprised to find a Heavy, black Colt. The servant rushes back to the phone with the Colt in his hands.

Servant: N-Now what?

Caller: Now listen carefully. Go to your master's bedroom and shoot that bastard straight into his head. I can hear you so do NOT try to do anything stupid.

Servant: B-But...

Caller: I said DO IT!

The servant enters his master's bedroom silently and a loud and clear crack of a gunshot can be heard throughout the neighborhood. The servant runs back to the phone and picks it up with his bloody hands.

Servant: Now what?

Caller: Throw his body into the swimming pool.

Servant: B-But we don't have a swimming pool.

*A long pause*

Caller: Whoops! Sorry, I've dialed the wrong number.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

An European tourist visited far east. Hired a girl to have sex with him in the hotel room. he did it 4 times that night and was impressed at the grip of her vagina and gave her a liberal tip. She kept saying chu-chim, chu-chim all night. The tourist thumbed through the translation book after she left, and found chu-chim meant that's anus.

 

[Handley_Page]

Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.

She is a pure-bred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years.
She likes to play games. Not totally trained.
Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done.
Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work.
Only eats the best, most expensive food.
Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down.
Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!

So anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend?

Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!

 

[Sammael Bard]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an
old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

 

[Sammael Bard]

Round here, we only use Chuck Norris Toilet papers...

Rough, tough and don't take crap from no one.

 

[Hypoxia]

Round here, we only use Chuck Norris Toilet papers...

Rough, tough and don't take crap from no one.

But in performance, it never manages to hold together. And it's already full of shit.

 

[Handley_Page]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play day...

'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about herself,' the little girl says to her friend..

'WELL' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her DRIVER'S LICENSE'.

It's like our report cards, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I also know why you and daddy got a divorce..'

'Oh really' says the mother.......Why?

'It's all on your drivers license and you got an 'F' in sex.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Three men are stranded on an island. They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp.

The leader says:" Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:" Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you laugh, we will kill you."

He attempts it but has to laugh so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.

In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:" I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you
laugh?"
The second man responded:" I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a Pineapple."

 

[Sammael Bard]

Three guys are skydiving and the first guy throws a brick out the window, the second guy throws a stone out the window, and the third guy throws a grenade out the window.

When they land, they decide to go walk into town, so they are walking down the street until they see a woman crying. The first guy asks "Whats wrong?"

The woman says, "A brick fell out the sky and killed my cat."

So they continue down the street then see a young boy crying. The second guy asks, "Whats wrong?"

The boy said that a stone fell out of the sky and killed his dog. They continue down the road until they see the man laughing his ass off. The third guy asks, "Whats so funny?"

The man says, "I bent down to pick up my news paper and I farted and my house blew up."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

So a young man walks into a whorehouse and demands to be serviced by a woman with VD. He's clearly a bit young, but the madam is curious about his requests and asks him about it. Here's the young man's explanation:

"Because if I get VD, I'll give it to the babysitter.
If the babysitter gets VD, she'll give it Daddy.
If Daddy gets VD, he'll give it Mommy.
And if Mommy gets VD, she'll give it to the UPS driver and THAT'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my dog last week!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

And while I'm at it . . .

A man walks into a bar and orders six straight shots of Jack Daniels. The bartender had seen this before and asked what his trouble was. The sobbing man exclaimed, "I just found out my oldest son is gay!" Taking pity on the man, the bartender says his drinks are on the house.

The next week, the same man makes the same order in the same bar. The bartender asks, "Still broken up about your son?" The man shakes his head, starts sobbing and cries, "I just found my youngest son is gay, too!" Taking pity on the man, the bartender says his drinks are on the house.

Another week, same bar, same man, same order and same bartender whose getting a little tired of passing out free drinks, but he's still curious. "Mister, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" The man bursts out sobbing, "Yes, my wife!"

 

[Handley_Page]

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are:

‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

 

[Handley_Page]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

 

[Handley_Page]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
'Get well soon. From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'