Having an issue with a friend.

[TheNiteSiren]

I am not sure how to handle this so I decided to post it to see how any of you might. My friend is fresh from a bad marriage which ended in her ex-husband getting someone else pregnant while they were still married. My friend has gotten a little loosey goosey, if you know what I mean.

She met this one guy, a Columbian pilot, who she has gotten really 'friendly' on a number of occasions. I just met him a few weeks ago during my trip to New Orleans, which is where they met originally. During this time, right after having slept with him again, she says she wants to keep their relationship as friends only.

They seemed to be on the same wavelength until they got to the club and he started some very 'friendly' groping that crossed a line. Now she is complaining to me about this all the time...about how she needs to straighten him out. He has invited her to Florida and she has hinted to me that she does intend to sleep with him again.

This is not the only one she is sleeping with. She ran into an old friend of hers from high school and knocked boots with him too. My problem is that I can see a disaster waiting to happen in this behavior. I tried to say something but it got her back up and she hinted that i needed to be more concerned with my own love life.

I don't want to be the nosey overbearing bitch but she is going nuts with this new found freedom. She has even admitted to sleeping with these guys unprotected a few times. I'm worried for not only her emotional well-being but her physical health. Her behavior is getting risky and deep down, I am wondering if what her husband did did more damage than any of us know.

How do I tell her that she needs to stop sleeping with these guys and try to get to know someone, learn to trust again? It seems like she is trying to get back at her ex in some way. Not sure how to approach this. She's important to me and I want to help her.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Iceprincess12]

I would just tell her to be safe and buy her a box of condoms. She probably realizes the behavior is slightly destructive but maybe the boost of having guys want her outweighs that.

"You cannot save people, you can only love them". anais nin

Let her know if she falls you will be there for her.

 

[NotHisLady]

I think (and I could have this wrong) that some people go through this when they get out of long term monogamous relationships. My therapist was on me like a rat terrier when I told her about being on here because she thought I was about to go on a round of it and I'm not even out of my marriage (I'm refraining from adding 'yet' to that.)
Something about going for so long feeling like all your choices and freedom are bound up with another person and then suddenly they aren't. The comparison she made (she loves me and can say this stuff without me leaving) is that it's a bit like a sailor who's been at sea for too long finally getting shore leave.
It isn't healthy really because it's a sort of displacement--subconsciously trying to make up for lost time I guess--but I got the impression that it was normal enough for her to bring it up to me. (Not that I'm a poster child for normal.)

Anyway, what I would suggest is that maybe your friend is trying to work through the divorce still and this is a coping mechanism (on par with binge drinking maybe but a coping mechanism.) Talking to somebody about her divorce might ease the tension that's expressing itself through her acting out.

How to go about making that suggestion to her I've no idea because I'm guessing she's pretty content as she is for the moment. If you care for her just be on hand with some kleenex when the crash comes.

 

[Cathleen]

As she's shown she'll be defensive to a prolonged conversation, I'd just softly remind her to be safe (I like IceP's idea of giving her condoms) and that you'll be there for her.

You can't force a change, just love her as she shows she's human -- and hurting.

 

[simplegirl]

Kinda sounds like a catch-22. You can't sit and watch her self-destruct, but if you say anything she cuts you at the knees. If she got her back up and turned it back on you (saying you should worry about your own love life and not hers) then you definitely struck a nerve. She knows deep down she's doing it, but she's also in denial.

Basically all you can say is that you love her and don't want to see her hurt. I would also put my foot down after that. If she started complaining about her fuck buddies, I'd let her know I didn't want to hear it. If you allow her to keep complaining, it's draining you mentally, and she doesn't want your advice, so what is she expecting from you exactly when she harps about it to you? I would let her know I'm there for her if she wants help, but I wouldn't want to continue hearing her complaints about this stuff. So in essence, I'd show my displeasure at her actions in this way, while allowing her to keep complaining to you is a sort of passive acceptance of her behaviour.

My experience is you can't help someone who doesn't want it. All you can do is be there when the pieces fall.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I don't necessarily equate promiscuity with damage. I think that sex is a great comfort mechanism, an efficient stress reducer, and a pretty fun distraction when you feel like your life is crumbling. The thing is, it can also indicate that you feel like it's one of the few things you can still control.

I went through this with a friend. After a year or two of trying to get her to change, I found that the most beneficial thing to do was invite her to explore healthier comfort mechanisms that could also help to reduce stress. We would go for walks, exercise, take cooking classes, just about anything that either of us wanted to try. Little by little, she began to feel like she could do just about anything.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like to sleep around. Lots of people like to sleep around. I will say that I no longer question her rationale for it.. and I think that she chooses her partners more carefully than she used to.

 

[subwannabe]

There's nothing you can do, pure and simple. Just trying is going to put a strain on your relationship with her. This is a little like being an alcoholic. If the alcoholic doesn't think they have a problem there's nothing you can do or say to convince them. They have to want to have a better life for themselves. You can't force them into it.

 

[jacktar48]

Does everyone assume that monogamy is the ideal here?

"Your friend" has every right to use any willing man she likes, just as some asshole used her. The difference is that most of them are not going to be distraught about it, unless she is promising an exclusive relationship.

As for unprotected sex, obviously I'm from a different generation and the idea does not horrify me as perhaps it should. But statistically? She runs a greater risk of gruesome death every time she gets into an automobile. And nobody spares a thought for the risks involved in unnecessary road trips.

As far as I'm concerned, the Ancient Ones had it right: women can do whatever they want, and men can either go along with it or go without. That's just the way it is.

 

[Primalex]

(saying you should worry about your own love life and not hers) then you definitely struck a nerve. She knows deep down she's doing it, but she's also in denial.

If "Worry about your own love life" means she is in denial, what would she say if she is not in denial and wants to say:"Worry about your own life."?

 

[Primalex]

This is not the only one she is sleeping with. She ran into an old friend of hers from high school and knocked boots with him too. My problem is that I can see a disaster waiting to happen in this behavior. I tried to say something but it got her back up and she hinted that i needed to be more concerned with my own love life.

I would agree with this. Seriously, who wants sex advice from a virgin?

How do I tell her that she needs to stop sleeping with these guys

You know that a guy who fucks two girls would just get a fist bump from his best friend, right?

 

[naomirubybaby]

Keep out of it!! Be supportive. After being in a long relationship and married she needs to let loose.
Just remind her that protection is important, nothing wrong with getting your fuck on with lots of different guys and staying friends.
When its out of her system she will settle down and you wont have to worry so much. Anything you say that puts her back up or pushes her away from you i would avoid.

 

[jacktar48]

Keep out of it!! Be supportive. After being in a long relationship and married she needs to let loose.
Just remind her that protection is important, nothing wrong with getting your fuck on with lots of different guys and staying friends.
When its out of her system she will settle down and you wont have to worry so much. Anything you say that puts her back up or pushes her away from you i would avoid.

Enthusiastic applause...

 

[fire_breeze]

Does everyone assume that monogamy is the ideal here?

"Your friend" has every right to use any willing man she likes, just as some asshole used her. The difference is that most of them are not going to be distraught about it, unless she is promising an exclusive relationship.

As for unprotected sex, obviously I'm from a different generation and the idea does not horrify me as perhaps it should. But statistically? She runs a greater risk of gruesome death every time she gets into an automobile. And nobody spares a thought for the risks involved in unnecessary road trips.

As far as I'm concerned, the Ancient Ones had it right: women can do whatever they want, and men can either go along with it or go without. That's just the way it is.

Even if monogamy is not an issue, TheNiteSiren's concern has more to do with the well-being of her friend, and what can be potentially dangerous situations that she is putting herself into. Additionally, her partners have the right to know that she is not exclusive with any other them.

While I agree with you that she can do whatever she wants, within reason, STIs are extremely prevalent and ridiculously common. Unfortunately, not everyone presents with symptoms, and while some laboratories have more advanced tests, allowing for 4 or 6 week window, the majority of them (according to WHO and the CDC) requires a 12-week wait. 1-in-5 have some form of STIs, and many of them do not even know it because they do not present themselves with symptoms.

Additionally, in many places in the USA patients are not routinely screened for STD, so it may be years before she presents any symptoms, if she has them at all. The damage to herself and the risk to her current and future partners is astronomical.

While some STIs are more difficult to transmit than others, there is no reason to play Russian roulette if one is not in a monogamous relationship. I do not want to be an alarmist, but with statistics that high, the likelihood that she will encounter someone with an STI - undiagnosed or diagnosed - is considerably more likely that her getting into a car accident. Furthermore, condom use not only protects her, but also her partners.

Them are the ways.

 

[Primalex]

While I agree with you that she can do whatever she wants, within reason,

"within reason". And if she does not stay, whatever you consider, within reason, you head to the phone booth, change into your super breeze uniform and stop this villainous woman?

 

[jacktar48]

Even if monogamy is not an issue, TheNiteSiren's concern has more to do with the well-being of her friend, and what can be potentially dangerous situations that she is putting herself into. Additionally, her partners have the right to know that she is not exclusive with any other them.

While I agree with you that she can do whatever she wants, within reason, STIs are extremely prevalent and ridiculously common. Unfortunately, not everyone presents with symptoms, and while some laboratories have more advanced tests, allowing for 4 or 6 week window, the majority of them (according to WHO and the CDC) requires a 12-week wait. 1-in-5 have some form of STIs, and many of them do not even know it because they do not present themselves with symptoms.

Additionally, in many places in the USA patients are not routinely screened for STD, so it may be years before she presents any symptoms, if she has them at all. The damage to herself and the risk to her current and future partners is astronomical.

While some STIs are more difficult to transmit than others, there is no reason to play Russian roulette if one is not in a monogamous relationship. I do not want to be an alarmist, but with statistics that high, the likelihood that she will encounter someone with an STI - undiagnosed or diagnosed - is considerably more likely that her getting into a car accident. Furthermore, condom use not only protects her, but also her partners.

Them are the ways.

I can't argue the statistics, because I don't know and am too lazy to do the research. And in any case, as someone once said, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

I suspect that when STI's are mentioned that includes a lot of relatively benign infections that tend to take care of themselves. OH, I'm talking out my ass. Sorry. I don't even want to get into this.

As an Italian woman once told the Pope: "You no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules." I don't play the game anymore; I'm just a spectator. I'm too old to make the effort. Although I do still occasionally sleep with women, the contact goes no further than it does with my cats. (No, I'm not into bestiality either. I just enjoy the purring.)

If the reality is that people have to use condoms, I guess they better get used to it. I'm just glad I don't have to--it wasn't always that-a-way. Or if it was we were too ignorant to know better.

 

[jacktar48]

"within reason". And if she does not stay, whatever you consider, within reason, you head to the phone booth, change into your super breeze uniform and stop this villainous woman?

She must be FLOGGED. And perhaps a taste of the rack would purify her soul.

 

[fire_breeze]

I can't argue the statistics, because I don't know and am too lazy to do the research. And in any case, as someone once said, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

I suspect that when STI's are mentioned that includes a lot of relatively benign infections that tend to take care of themselves. OH, I'm talking out my ass. Sorry. I don't even want to get into this.

As an Italian woman once told the Pope: "You no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules." I don't play the game anymore; I'm just a spectator. I'm too old to make the effort. Although I do still occasionally sleep with women, the contact goes no further than it does with my cats. (No, I'm not into bestiality either. I just enjoy the purring.)

If the reality is that people have to use condoms, I guess they better get used to it. I'm just glad I don't have to--it wasn't always that-a-way. Or if it was we were too ignorant to know better.

Actually, no. It's not benign infections, as no one can predict complications of infections. Certain strand of HPV can cause absolutely no problems whatsoever, but the three prevalent and most commons often leads to cervical cancer. The tricky thing about HPV is that while the virus may lie dormant for years, it can rear up years and decades after the initial infection, causing a lot of damage. 2.8 million people are diagnosed with chlamydia every single year - and that is diagnosed, so you can imagine how many people actually have it as many never present symptoms, it is not part of a routine screening, and is easily transmitted.


While I do agree with you about TheNiteSiren's friend being able to do what she wants, she should be aware that her actions holds risks, both to herself and her partners. If weighing in the risks she wants to fuck half the city, that is her prerogative. Rock on. But that doesn't mean she cannot be smart about it.

As you mentioned, it is different times these days. A little forethought never hurts anyone.

http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/uploads/images/sti_rates_new.png
STI Rates in the U.S. (per year)

 

[SkylarFalling]

I see no problem with the actual sleeping around. A healthy attitude to sex *I think* is meant to accept that monogamy is not the only way. I also think it is a very natural, healthy reaction to being let out of a long term monogamous relationship.

I see the concern for her safety though. I'd do my best to make sure she was using condoms and be there for her, but I wouldn't try to change the actual behaviour. I don't see a problem.

There is always the 'they deserve to know they're not exclusive' problem but I'm leaving that one alone because I'm pretty sure that comes up every single time two new people have sex with each other.

But a safe fuck just for the sake of a fuck, or to let off some steam, is fine, I reckon.

 

[Emerson40]

Does everyone assume that monogamy is the ideal here?

Broad generalization.
OP was talking about her friend's behavior, the possible risks involved, and her concerns about her friend's well being. You are the only who raises the topic of monogamy.

"Your friend" has every right to use any willing man she likes, just as some asshole used her. The difference is that most of them are not going to be distraught about it, unless she is promising an exclusive relationship.

As for unprotected sex, obviously I'm from a different generation and the idea does not horrify me as perhaps it should. But statistically? She runs a greater risk of gruesome death every time she gets into an automobile. And nobody spares a thought for the risks involved in unnecessary road trips.

Unless you skipped a generation or two via a flux capacitor equipped DeLorean, you would have to be living under a rock to not be aware of STDs, and the need to protect yourself (and your partner). If you truly are as ignorant as you claim about the facts (or the statistics and lies), then perhaps you should not be offering opinion or comparison to automobile deaths.

As far as I'm concerned, the Ancient Ones had it right: women can do whatever they want, and men can either go along with it or go without. That's just the way it is.

FYI - The OP, and her friend, are female. Unless the Ancient Ones were including concerned, female friends when they said "men can either go along with iot...", I'm not sure what the Ancient One's words have to do with anything here.

I can't argue the statistics, because I don't know and am too lazy to do the research. And in any case, as someone once said, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

Bolded section - most accurate thing you have typed today.

I suspect that when STI's are mentioned that includes a lot of relatively benign infections that tend to take care of themselves. OH, I'm talking out my ass. Sorry. I don't even want to get into this.

I think your ignorance about STDs may have contributed to this. Perhaps if you had tended to that benign cluster of pus-filled bumps, instead of letting it take care of itself, you would not find yourself talking through your anus.

As an Italian woman once told the Pope: "You no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules." I don't play the game anymore; I'm just a spectator. I'm too old to make the effort. Although I do still occasionally sleep with women, the contact goes no further than it does with my cats. (No, I'm not into bestiality either. I just enjoy the purring.)

Same Italian woman was heard saying: "When-a you-a undress-a the Venus, make-a sure you-a wrappa da penis."

If the reality is that people have to use condoms, I guess they better get used to it. I'm just glad I don't have to--it wasn't always that-a-way. Or if it was we were too ignorant to know better.

Quite possibly the second, most accurate thing you typed today.

 

[SkylarFalling]

Same Italian woman was heard saying: "When-a you-a undress-a the Venus, make-a sure you-a wrappa da penis."

xD This made my day.

I do agree that it was kind of hard to tell whether the OP was more worried about the behaviour itself, or the risks associated with the behaviour. Hence, monogamy.

But I'm just as baffled by the rest as you seem to be.

 

[Primalex]

OP was talking about her friend's behavior, the possible risks involved, and her concerns about her friend's well being. You are the only who raises the topic of monogamy.

Oh really? How exactly do you read:"How do I tell her that she needs to stop sleeping with these guys and try to get to know someone, learn to trust again?"

I read "She needs to stop sleeping with these guys" as "She needs to stop sleeping with these guys" and not as "How do I tell her how to safely sleep with these guys."

Unless you skipped a generation or two via a flux capacitor equipped DeLorean, you would have to be living under a rock to not be aware of STDs, and the need to protect yourself (and your partner).

Well, obviously everyone thinks that her friend is living under a rock and not aware of STDs. Funny, isn't it?

 

[Primalex]

2.8 million people are diagnosed with chlamydia every single year - and that is diagnosed, so you can imagine how many people actually have it as many never present symptoms, it is not part of a routine screening, and is easily transmitted.

Considering the "astronomical" damage of STDs, it's surprising that there are still humans on the planet. Either this or there is a flaw in your logic.

 

[jacktar48]

Thank you so much for the mean-spirited critique.

And unless you are old enough to have participated in the Summer of Love, don't tell me what I should or should not have known.

When you grow up believing the number of times your parents had sex equals the number of kids they have, there's a hell of a lot you don't know.

 

[Emerson40]

Oh really? How exactly do you read:"How do I tell her that she needs to stop sleeping with these guys and try to get to know someone, learn to trust again?"

I read "She needs to stop sleeping with these guys" as "She needs to stop sleeping with these guys" and not as "How do I tell her how to safely sleep with these guys."

I read it, along with the rest of the post, and put things in context. Something I don't think you're incapable of doing, but decide for some reason to not do. It seems you like focusing on a sentence, or pinpointing a few words, and applying that to the entire post.

Read it through again, and take it in as a whole. We could certainly discuss your points if you'd like, but since that is not all that the OP wrote, and there is more going in with her post contextually than just what you have zeroed in on, I think I'll hold off on that discussion for now.

....
I don't want to be the nosey overbearing bitch but she is going nuts with this new found freedom. She has even admitted to sleeping with these guys unprotected a few times. I'm worried for not only her emotional well-being but her physical health. Her behavior is getting risky and deep down, I am wondering if what her husband did did more damage than any of us know.

How do I tell her that she needs to stop sleeping with these guys and try to get to know someone, learn to trust again? It seems like she is trying to get back at her ex in some way. Not sure how to approach this. She's important to me and I want to help her.

Well, obviously everyone thinks that her friend is living under a rock and not aware of STDs. Funny, isn't it?

Again, not obvious or funny. Maybe to you, I don't know.

I know there is some history between you and the OP, some bad blood of sorts. Whatever. Your pedantic behavior in this thread shows you still have some issues with her, despite her wanting to move on, or just give you a wide berth. Let it go. Or don't. Your replies to her postings say more about you than whatever it is you are trying point out about her.