Age and exploring BDSM

[Aynmair]

I am curious if initiation into the BDSM lifestyle is mostly for the young ? Has anyone begun exploring BDSM in mid-life? Has it worked, or has it been disappointing?

I'd be happy for any feedback - this is mostly for research for a story, but also my general and genuine curiosity.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Tons of people discover BDSM later in life. it's a middle-age game, for the most part. Lots of gray hairs and sagging bodies, age denotes experience and experience is highly prized. Unlike humping up and down on each other, BDSM requires a little forethought and skill.

All of those novels featuring adorable young slave babes? Just wishful thinking. You'll notice all the masterful masters (also young and hot) are insanely wealthy, too. Fat chance!

There is, by the way, almost never "initiation" of the fifty-shades kind. That shit is unethical at best, and could be illegal, and will get a person talked about.

A very common way to discover the lifestyle would be to go to a munch or three. Talk to people, get up the courage to visit a party, watch the hijinks, -- and be descended upon by men and women both, anxious to be the one that pops your spank cherry!

BDSM is one place where knowing what kind of sex you want comes before meeting the person you want to have that sex with, as often as not.

 

[StrayKat]

I had some mild tries with my first husband but there were too many distracting things to develop anything. Besides, I was sort of confusing my own self.
Took close to my 40ies to start learning about definitions and then some more to find a few that would suit me.

Now I know I am basically a switch (and more but lets keep it simple) and therefore it looks like I have bigger chances to be hit by a lighting than find a suitable partner

 

[Aynmair]

Tons of people discover BDSM later in life. it's a middle-age game, for the most part. Lots of gray hairs and sagging bodies, age denotes experience and experience is highly prized. Unlike humping up and down on each other, BDSM requires a little forethought and skill.

All of those novels featuring adorable young slave babes? Just wishful thinking. You'll notice all the masterful masters (also young and hot) are insanely wealthy, too. Fat chance!

There is, by the way, almost never "initiation" of the fifty-shades kind. That shit is unethical at best, and could be illegal, and will get a person talked about.

A very common way to discover the lifestyle would be to go to a munch or three. Talk to people, get up the courage to visit a party, watch the hijinks, -- and be descended upon by men and women both, anxious to be the one that pops your spank cherry!

BDSM is one place where knowing what kind of sex you want comes before meeting the person you want to have that sex with, as often as not.

Thanks for this, exactly what I was looking for.

I used initiation without referring to FSOG - I've never read it, though I've read some others, like Joey Hill and Cherise Sinclair.

The points about realistic expectations and especially the communication and openness are big attractors. But it seems almost too good to be true.

I have a long-time partner whom I've talked to about it; if I go, both of us will have to go and explore. I won't/can't force him into it. But he's mildly curious, and we have done a bit of very light playing.

 

[Aynmair]

I had some mild tries with my first husband but there were too many distracting things to develop anything. Besides, I was sort of confusing my own self.
Took close to my 40ies to start learning about definitions and then some more to find a few that would suit me.

Now I know I am basically a switch (and more but lets keep it simple) and therefore it looks like I have bigger chances to be hit by a lighting than find a suitable partner

Thanks for your response.

From my reading, I think I would also qualify as a switch, though I have no realistic way to judge. It's one of the more confusing things - sometimes I feel somewhat submissive, others dominant. Glad to see it doesn't help...

 

[StrayKat]

Thanks for your response.

From my reading, I think I would also qualify as a switch, though I have no realistic way to judge. It's one of the more confusing things - sometimes I feel somewhat submissive, others dominant. Glad to see it doesn't help...

It can be very confusing. Especially if you are not sure what your triggers are. With me it can be mood or a person I am involved with, I can somewhat predict the type of character who could make me flip this or that way. Or a gender thing, I am never submissive with women. But then, I am not exactly submissive with men either, more of a dominant bottom. I like things be done to me as long as I direct what and how. And then sometimes there are those very rare moments when somebody simply makes me melt..... too bad it never lasts.

Most other people who are interested in this type of kink are either one or the other and too many try to convince you that you are <insert whatever type suits them>. Or you can have some fun and then find yourself in awkward situation if your mood changes. I just cant stay long with only d or only s types.

All together, confusing and frustrating like hell.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks for this, exactly what I was looking for.

I used initiation without referring to FSOG - I've never read it, though I've read some others, like Joey Hill and Cherise Sinclair.

The points about realistic expectations and especially the communication and openness are big attractors. But it seems almost too good to be true.

I have a long-time partner whom I've talked to about it; if I go, both of us will have to go and explore. I won't/can't force him into it. But he's mildly curious, and we have done a bit of very light playing.

If he's mildly interested you already have a good chance.

But yeah, try to leave the Romance expectations on your bookshelf for a while.

There's an essay in my signature, you might want to read that-- and if you're looking for practical how-to stuff, there's a booklist at the end of it

 

[phoenixrhys]

I'm new to posting on the boards, though I've been a bit of a lurker for a little while. I've read Stella Omega's essay, and found it extremely informative and helpful. Thanks, Stella!

I came late to the BDSM "lifestyle". I mean, I always had feelings, drives, urges I didn't understand, or thought I should hide, but it wasn't until my mid-to-late thirties that I finally started to realize that what I wanted mattered, and wasn't something to be ashamed of.

I think that kind of introspection, of letting go of self-consciousness, often comes with a big of age and experience.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

In my 40+ years of being a sadistic Dom, then just primarily a sensual sadist, I've met people who have come into the culture from their early twenties to their sixties. In each case, it merely depended on their readiness and their opportunities to get involved.

 

[SubMrs]

I was 28 the first time my then future husband handcuffed and blindfolded me. For the first 10 years I tolerated bondage. For the next 10 I periodically enjoyed it. For the last decade or so it has become my identity and I can't imagine living any other way.