three years ago i began an online relationship with a man. during this time we became very close. closer than i have ever been with anyone else. as time has gone on i began to trust him on a level i have never trusted anyone on before, an openness, an honesty, a pureness i have never felt. we also developed a Dom?/ sub relationship, including mild to moderate bdsm. i could be totally free with him. i was cared for, i felt beautiful, totally loved. i am the sub and for me to have that level of trust ... unthinkable. i have become close with his family, as well. his mother, sister and niece. i helped his sister with some problems she was having with her sons and helped her get an appropriate diagnosis for them. in july he was to fly me to Germany to spend the summer with them and decide our future. on april 23 i get a text that reads "was in the pub with all the other supervisors. had a very successful inspection. fell to bed and got up late. I LOVE YOU!!!" then nothing. this is the man i spoke to 2 to 5 times a day, a man who told me he was succeeding because of me. a man who told me daily i was beautiful and how much he loved me. a man i breathe for. on april 30th. after untold unanswered calls, texts messages i get "i am sorry! i wasn't there because of another woman. it happened so quickly, now i am sure to be with her. i will explain all later in a letter". WTF????? somebody, anybody, please advise me, HELP ME. i am utterly shattered and i do not understand. please help me figure out what's happening and how, after this long, depending on him, what, how am i supposed to deal? is there a word for a dom who promises to take care of his sub than drops everything for someone he met at the pub? i don't understand. please, help.
lost and need help, please.
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MeekMe
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I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a very painful situation. A relationship like this is just that, a relationship. I know from experience that no matter how close you become on the internet, often it is more like companionship until you find someone close and in real life. I have been dumped once because he found a person he could physically be with that expressed interest. I've also done this myself. No matter how close I felt to someone, physically we couldn't be together. The temptation of being able to touch someone is strong.
Needless to say, we all moved on.
How do you deal? That's up to you. After a break up, do you eat chocolate and go out for drinks with friends? Do you mourn the loss of your relationship with a cup of tea and a blanket? It's difficult and it sucks.
When you're ready to date again, and you're still interested in a D/s relationship, there are meet ups for these sorts of things. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to give you better advice. Again, sorry to hear you're having a bad time.
Needless to say, we all moved on.
How do you deal? That's up to you. After a break up, do you eat chocolate and go out for drinks with friends? Do you mourn the loss of your relationship with a cup of tea and a blanket? It's difficult and it sucks.
When you're ready to date again, and you're still interested in a D/s relationship, there are meet ups for these sorts of things. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to give you better advice. Again, sorry to hear you're having a bad time.
elocin13
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I'm so sorry, sweetie. As someone who's poor heart has been completely shattered TWICE in the last 2 years, I know exactly how horrendous that pain is. Meekme gave good advice - as good as one can give because, really, heartbreak can't be explained and the healing cannot be rushed. I was in a very bad place, like I was in a hole I just could not get out of. And what really got me was feeling certain that that kind of love would never come along again - I mean, what are the chances, right?Well . . . the most significant heartbreak of my life (and I'm 40, not like I'm 20 or anything) happened in January, and guess what? I met the man of my dreams just recently! I am still pinching myself because surely that love wasn't going to come along again. But it DOES. You do not want another love right now, I know - you just want HIM back. That's fine to want that.
Do whatever it is you do when life is crap. If you hole up and watch movies, do that. If you eat, do that. If you lean on friends, do that! Just don't do anything dangerous, please. And keep coming here if it helps.
HUGS
Primalex
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You didn't manage in three years to get together, what do you expect?
Decision was made. All is well.
S
sxydiva
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As much as it hurts to accept this..he has moved on. He obviously doesn't care enough about your feelings to stay faithful. I understand you have given yourself to him heart, body, and soul. From the way it seems he took advantage of your kindness because he is just a really hurtful person. It is gonna hurt something awful fierce for a while. You will cry, scream, feel lost. Its okay to feel that way. Do what you need to slowly get over him. At first it will seem impossible then it will get easier as time goes by. Just remember HE's the one who did wrong NOT you. Don't ever blame yourself. You will get over this and will come out a Better person in the end.
Loverskitten
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Only breathe for yourself. Well, unless you're giving CPR or have a scuba emergency.
IrisAlthea
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People live together for decades and then sometimes leave for someone they met at the pub.
It sucks and I'm sorry, but there is life on the other side of this.
It sucks and I'm sorry, but there is life on the other side of this.
Yup. Waiting that long before you actually meet works out occasionally, but it's not a good bet.
This!
shy slave
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How hard for you, but whether online or real life, when someone walks away there is nothing you can do but breathe, just as others here have said.
It hurts, and it feels lonely as if you are lost, but you are not. You are still you, just hidden under the current pain.
Be kind to yourself, expect nothing more than being able to get through each minute of the day and little by little remind yourself what made you happy before this person was a part of your life.
It isn't easy, but it is possible.
Just breathe, and one day you will know he wasn't worth any more investment of your time and energy.
It hurts, and it feels lonely as if you are lost, but you are not. You are still you, just hidden under the current pain.
Be kind to yourself, expect nothing more than being able to get through each minute of the day and little by little remind yourself what made you happy before this person was a part of your life.
It isn't easy, but it is possible.
Just breathe, and one day you will know he wasn't worth any more investment of your time and energy.
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All_4_Love
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I'm so sorry, Julia. Sending big hugs.
I can't really say anything much more than what has already been said here, but the pain you expressed in your post is almost palpable and my heart is truly breaking for you.
As hard as it may be at times to allow yourself to feel the intense emotions, that is the best thing that you can continue to do...
The best way out is always through.
Some times it may be day by day, others times literally moment by moment. Your grief will lessen as time goes on. Take care of yourself, dear one...
I can't really say anything much more than what has already been said here, but the pain you expressed in your post is almost palpable and my heart is truly breaking for you.
As hard as it may be at times to allow yourself to feel the intense emotions, that is the best thing that you can continue to do...
The best way out is always through.
Some times it may be day by day, others times literally moment by moment. Your grief will lessen as time goes on. Take care of yourself, dear one...
thank you, all of you, for your kind words, encouragement, kind words and support. and letting me know, i am not totally alone
thank you, IrisAlthea, it kind of struck me ' he has 6 weeks paid vacation a year, he has money to fly me from here to Germany... so why hasn't he flown here to be with me before now, if it was all that i believed it to be?' validity....
DVS
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Have you tried both? I'd think he could have been a cad, too.
I don't know anything about your relationship, but if you never got together physically, for whatever reason, he could have met someone else physically, and that could be all it took. As hard as it might be to take, he only knew you online. It's a lot easier to leave you behind for someone he can actually touch. Not that it's the right thing to do or the right way to do it, it seems as though he's done it.
And you say he had a lot of vacation time as well as the means to fly over here to see you and he didn't. Sure, he said he was going to fly you over there, but he could have come over here. And it seems to me that it would have been easier for him, too. It would also have made more sense, to come here and meet you, to see if you get along well, before taking you over to meet the family in the flesh. So, I'm sorry in saying this, but I really wonder if he intended to fly you over there at all. Again, I could be totally wrong, because I don't know either of you. But just looking at this from the outside, that's my opinion. I think you're better off without him.
Find yourself someone over here, in the flesh. You need to develop a trusting relationship with a man before you go too far. There are some men who are in this only for their own pleasure and as long as you go along for the ride, they are happy. Make sure he sticks around in bad times, too.
In my opinion, when you have an online only relationship, a lot is in your own mind, so some of the the special experiences you had were created by or at least enhanced by your own expectations. Find a real guy, closer to home and start a new life.
the more i've thought about it, the more i've begun to wonder. because it was right down to the wire, and he's gone. so i think maybe i was the one in a truly loving relationship... alone. so, yeah, you're so spot on there. until yesterday i hadn't even questioned WHY hadn't he come here? why wasn't that ever a plan? kind of a new way of looking at things.
thank you, so much.
thank you. i have sobbed like a child, for days, because of this. i'm so glad i posted here. thank you for your understanding.
you actually made me really laugh for the first time in weeks. i appreciate that, and your sense of humor so much!
StrayKat
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And those fulfilled (as you believe) expectations make you blind to things that would probably be red flags otherwise.
@juliaa801
Ever asked yourself why so many people think they found a "perfect fit" online, yet huge amount of such relationships ends in disappointment.
I am married 10+ years to someone I met and dated online, so talking from experience. Its not as easy as it may seem.
You should be glad you got out of it before he had a chance to hurt you even more.
All_4_Love
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Even in real life relationships, this still holds true. Forgive yourself for not seeing the signs. Naivety may get us into situations where the cost of the lesson is high, but it's still a great quality, nonetheless. I wouldn't let your pain harden your heart and steal that from you.
After ending a many-year relationship, retrospectively, I see how easy it is to miss the signs. What we desire becomes more than the reality of what is. We disillusion ourselves about the men we love. It's so easy to give him the qualities that he just does not have because we fall in love with what we need him to be.
There is always a lesson. Once you get through the intensity of your feelings you will see things much more clearly. The lesson here is that we learn what love is not, painfully so, but still a most valuable lesson. Then, we are clear on what love is and we are able to see it when it shows up in our lives. To echo what Elocin said earlier, there is lots of hope for you. For her, it happened rather quickly. Maybe it will be the same for you! All in due time...
Keeping you in my thoughts
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midwestyankee
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This article from the May 5 issue of New York magazine does a really good job of digging into the special appeal of long-distance mostly online relationships. I think everyone who is thinking about getting into - or out of - such a relationship would be wise to read the article and examine their own motives.
Primalex
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No offense, but of course he did the right thing - he ended the relationship. And there is no way to do it without hurting the other person.
