Would love some feedback

[Serafina1210]

I've been writing erotica for fun for some time, and over the last month or so have tried posting a few pieces here. Most of it has done fairly well, rating between 4 and 4.5, and drawing encouraging comments. A couple of pieces earned that red H--though only briefly! My impression overall is that readers find my stuff okay, but not really compelling.

So I've been wondering what the experienced authors here might have to suggest. I'd appreciate your feedback. (Brief background: I have lots of experience as a writer and lots of experience having sexual fantasies--but not a lot of experience as a storyteller.)

Here are a couple in different modes.

Romance:
http://www.literotica.com/s/rosette-a-medieval-tale

BDSM:
http://www.literotica.com/s/uprising-on-grove-street

Thanks!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I glanced at each but didn't go far.

My problem with the romance tale are the run-on sentences.

My problem with the BDSM story is incongruence. 'Master' strikes me as a caped capon NOT a natural born alpha-male. Caped Capons of the LIT type like to struggle with passive-aggressive females, alpha-males wont consider it.

 

[Bert_Fegg]

I have James on ignore and so I have no idea what he's written, but since you're a woman and he's predictable I'm going to guess he's awarded you two stars and called your writing dull, predictable and laden with adverbs.

Apologies if you've said something nice Jimmy Boy, but I couldn't be arsed to check

 

[Serafina1210]

Thanks, Bert. I know of James from lurking in the forums. He actually had a couple of points to make, if one could read past the snark.

So thanks to you too, James, though you probably weren't looking for thanks. I'll never please you, since I don't much cater to Real Men. But thanks anyway.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Thanks, Bert. I know of James from lurking in the forums. He actually had a couple of points to make, if one could read past the snark.

So thanks to you too, James, though you probably weren't looking for thanks. I'll never please you, since I don't much cater to Real Men. But thanks anyway.

If a head pat is what youre after, most here will do it. But you really do have run-on sentences, and Master really comes across as an imposter. You wanted me to lie, right? Nothing worse than a hack novice with an appetite for a backslap.

 

[Bert_Fegg]

Thanks, Bert. I know of James from lurking in the forums. He actually had a couple of points to make, if one could read past the snark.

So thanks to you too, James, though you probably weren't looking for thanks. I'll never please you, since I don't much cater to Real Men. But thanks anyway.

I read both and I loved them - also curiosity got the better of me and I read boy jim's comment, more for the humour than anything else. I love how he pontificates about what Real Men/Alpha males would or wouldn't do. I'm laughing as I write this, but he doesn't seem to get that he is pretty much the same as the female protagonist in your BDSM story, only minus the self-awareness. I realise that armchair psychology is the internet's favourite hobby, but when I read boy jim's knee-jerk putdowns of anything female or not conforming to his template of "manhood" I'm reminded of nothing more than a little boy acting up to get his mother's attention, because his father said that being nice is for sissies.

Not saying that's you jim - only that it looks that way...

 

[Serafina1210]

Not at all, James. I said you had points to make (because you did) and thanked you for them. I'll keep them in mind as I go on.

 

[robertreams]

Well, neither is my cup of tea. That said, the only realproblem i see is with punctuation. I see a lot of missing commas where I have to stop and say "oh, that's what that means."

 

[Iceprincess12]

I really really enjoyed the romance story. It was light hearted easy to read and of course was a mix between princess bride and ladyhawke. So many questions though, why was the king impotent with her, where did the guy come from, I would have loved more backstory on the main characters. I was sad at the end that she turned into a hawk, I was hoping for a fairytale ending. I hope there is a part 2 that explains more, but nice job.

 

[Serafina1210]

Thanks, robertreams and Iceprincess. So I'm getting the idea that people like more clarity. I get it, though personally I'm not a big clarity fan.

BTW, my guess, Iceprincess, is that she'll be able to change her shape, like her lover. Maybe someday I'll follow them into fairyland or wherever and find out.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I loved the ending of the romance one. That's how a good fairy story or courtly adventure tale is supposed to be, misted at the end with some dreamy uncertainty.

 

[Serafina1210]

Thanks, Freya. You get it totally. But then a goddess would.

 

[Bert_Fegg]

Yeah - clarity isn't always a good thing - I liked the fairytale ending.