No story story

[EuropeJenn]

This story has been up for a while, but I thought that I would ask what people thought of the style. I was originally going to write it up in French but thought I would try and translate this style to English as a challenge.

http://www.literotica.com/s/early-morning-7

 

[Bert_Fegg]

Your English beats the merde out of my French so I feel a little embarrassed saying this. The punctuation could use some work and there were a couple of spelling errors, possibly typos. The story was lovely though. It would definitely be worth using an editor for your next English language submission and you might want to have someone go over this one and resubmit it.

Good work though.

 

[LaRascasse]

Hi there,

The story was short and pleasant enough. For what you set out to achieve, you did a moderately good job.

The sentence structure is a bit awkward in places. Such as this.

Ruth sits up she is astride me she pulls her tee shirt over her head.

Perhaps you need to go over your work slowly once to weed out typos like these.

She pulls at the sting on the shorts that I am wearing.

Gently her finger stokes my pussy.

Your writing has an organic, breezy flow to it, which is a really good sign. But you should keep a stern eye on whether your sentences are grammatically correct or not. For instance...

Again I feel the weight of her body on mine her breasts against mine, her lips pressed against mine. I feel her start to slide down my body. A little kiss to my neck, then between my breasts. Her warm lips on my belly then my waist. Then little kisses to my thigh. My pussy aching for attention.

Other than the first sentence, all of them are incomplete phrases. You could club them together to form compound sentences. But that is admittedly a small issue.

I think the biggest issue with the story is that "Ruth" became "Beth" all of a sudden. That jars the reading.

Overall, I gave it 3/5 because I think you have potential. The writing was sensual and there was a lot of attention to small details like little kisses and caresses. Maybe you can try writing something longer and more intricate next and make sure you give it a beta-read before submission.

Hope that helps.

 

[blksoldier]

the story

This story has been up for a while, but I thought that I would ask what people thought of the style. I was originally going to write it up in French but thought I would try and translate this style to English as a challenge.

http://www.literotica.com/s/early-morning-7

I am going to read it